I need some baby shower advice

JBDamonM · October 2012

Hi ladies.

So my mom is going to throw me a baby shower, which is obviously very nice of her!

However, like so many other things its proving to be a little difficult.

My DH comes from a big family (one of 5 kids all who have had children already.) So right out of the gate you have 9 people when you factor in his sisters and nieces. After discussions with my mom we had determined that this would be her shower and if my mother in law wanted to celebrate with her family and friends she would have to do her own shower. Sadly this is because my MIL is notorious for not paying the bill and my mom doesn't have the budget to pay for the entire thing.

Anywho my mom doesn't want more than 30 people at my shower and when you take into account that dh's family accounts for a third of that it gets really difficult.

I don't mean to sound like a brat but my sister in laws can never be bothered with me and it really upsets me to think that I can't have all of my friends (both close friends and close family friends) because of the limited guest list. My relationship with them is a constant beat down and i cant believe once again their presence will cost me. My sisters advice was to not invite my friends that don't live locally, we'll the truth of that matter is that my closest friends are my college friends who don't live around here but do live close enough that they would most likely make the trip.

So I need some insight. Anything you would do if you were in my situation? How many people were at your shower? ( or will be when you have it)?

Appreciate any advice. I hope this post doesn't make me sound ungrateful because that is not the case, more like just totally fed up with my in laws and their ability to always complicate things.

jillychris · October 2012

I would give your mom your list of who you want at the shower and include just your MIL. Ask yh to casually mention to his mom that your mom is hosting a shower for your side of the family and friends. If she wants to go from there toplan something for her side, great. If not, great.

notquiteblushing · October 2012

jillychris:
I would give your mom your list of who you want at the shower and include just your MIL. Ask yh to casually mention to his mom that your mom is hosting a shower for your side of the family and friends. If she wants to go from there toplan something for her side, great. If not, great.

This is exactly what I was going to say. Don't feel pressured to invite your DH's side. It's your mom's party technically.

kmc84 · October 2012

All of this!

Killer Tomato · October 2012

notquiteblushing:
jillychris:
I would give your mom your list of who you want at the shower and include just your MIL. Ask yh to casually mention to his mom that your mom is hosting a shower for your side of the family and friends. If she wants to go from there toplan something for her side, great. If not, great.

This is exactly what I was going to say. Don't feel pressured to invite your DH's side. It's your mom's party technically.

I agree with all of this. I believe it is fine to throw a shower that only includes one side of the family. If your MIL wants to host a separate shower, that is her prerogative.

angela2004 · October 2012

I agree with the pp'ers. Have two showers. On your mom hosts and one your MIL hosts (don't invite you mom to that one, this way she won't have to pay for it).

jmorta04 · October 2012

I completely agree with everything that has been said. I have no idea how many people will be at my shower (it's still quite far away!), but my bridal shower had almost 60 people so I'm sure it will be a huge spectacle! lol

amd1982 · October 2012

I just had my shower (almost 60 people! it was nuts!) and had both sides of the family. Even though my MIL drives me bonkers she paid for half of the food, so totally different story. I think you could go about it one of two ways: 1. Like PP's said, have one shower that is your family/friends and then your MIL and/or SIL's can plan their own shower for you. Personally, if you're doing two separate ones, I'd keep them completely separate. (don't invite MIL to your moms or vice versa) just because I think it might get messy, a little bit of jealousy, etc. 2. OR (and again, this is just to play devils advocate but it may not work for you) I'd have a candid conversation with your MIL and say "listen, my mom is planning on throwing a shower for me but is only planning on having about 30 people. That includes all of family, friends, and family friends and also is within her budget. If you would like to be included, you can make a guest list of your own but you will be 100% responsible for those guests financially." I don't think it sounds rude or callous, I think it's very direct and straightforward. And if she has a history of skipping out on the bills, I would say that the money is expected ahead of time. Again, this is only because I'm trying to play devils advocate. It might be easier for you and DH to have only one shower...I just imagine having to do what I did yesterday, twice! It was AMAZING and wonderful, but very exhausting. Just a thought. Also, kind of eliminates the whole one-upmanship (oh, well my shower was better than her shower) kind of crap. might get messy! Good luck with your decision...

JBDamonM · October 2012

amd1982:
I just had my shower (almost 60 people! it was nuts!) and had both sides of the family. Even though my MIL drives me bonkers she paid for half of the food, so totally different story. I think you could go about it one of two ways: 1. Like PP's said, have one shower that is your family/friends and then your MIL and/or SIL's can plan their own shower for you. Personally, if you're doing two separate ones, I'd keep them completely separate. (don't invite MIL to your moms or vice versa) just because I think it might get messy, a little bit of jealousy, etc. 2. OR (and again, this is just to play devils advocate but it may not work for you) I'd have a candid conversation with your MIL and say "listen, my mom is planning on throwing a shower for me but is only planning on having about 30 people. That includes all of family, friends, and family friends and also is within her budget. If you would like to be included, you can make a guest list of your own but you will be 100% responsible for those guests financially." I don't think it sounds rude or callous, I think it's very direct and straightforward. And if she has a history of skipping out on the bills, I would say that the money is expected ahead of time. Again, this is only because I'm trying to play devils advocate. It might be easier for you and DH to have only one shower...I just imagine having to do what I did yesterday, twice! It was AMAZING and wonderful, but very exhausting. Just a thought. Also, kind of eliminates the whole one-upmanship (oh, well my shower was better than her shower) kind of crap. might get messy! Good luck with your decision...

The problem with my mother in law is she will verbally agree and then come clean about it when the bill is due. She did this to us with the flowers for our wedding (after I brought her to florist and she added stuff to the bill). Then we had the upfront discussion with her about our rehearsal dinner (these were the two things she had agreed to pay for) and the same thing happened (even though she vetoed my choice in venues which would've been half the price! Then she did it when my father in law passed away. She would not go to funeral home (claimed it was too hard) so DH had to handle it. He once again had the bold up front conversation with her about what they had for life insurance. She told him there was a 10k policy which would've covered most of the funeral. A week later she called claiming that he died a week early for the life insurance to kick in! (Riiiighhht). So the kids had to split the cost. So it's really hard to go down this road again and put my mom in the middle of it this time. That being said I do think she is slightly less likely to pull these shenanigans with my mother vs. her kids. Sad, but true.

i totally agree with you. I don't want two showers. But I am also far from convinced my husbands side would throw one, which frankly would be fine. Everyone that matters will be at my moms!

JBDamonM · October 2012

Thanks for all of the feedback ladies! The board was almost unanimous

i mentioned to my mom having them do their own shower and still inviting my mother in law to my moms. She want keen bc she doesn't want to have to go to their shower without my sisters (yeah, she may have to get over it).

I think keeping to separate events completely clean cut from the others is going to be the easiest way. I put a bug in my husbands ear today so he may have to explain that to his mom!

thanks so much for all of the advice. Much appreciated

Happy Monday!

Excitedtostart · October 2012

Your MIL sounds like a peach.

Honestly, I would keep your moms shower just your side.

If MIL wants to throw you a shower, she can, but she'll have to go about doing it. Be prepared for her to either not throw it, or to pass the cost onto her daughters and YH.

JBDamonM · October 2012

Excitedtostart:
Your MIL sounds like a peach.

Honestly, I would keep your moms shower just your side.

If MIL wants to throw you a shower, she can, but she'll have to go about doing it. Be prepared for her to either not throw it, or to pass the cost onto her daughters and YH.

I refuse to let my husband put in as much as a penny. Especially since this would essentially be the same thing as me paying for my own shower

I'd prefer that she not throw me one to be honest. She did one for our wedding and it was AWFUL. So incredibly awkward. My lovely sister in laws would not even sit with me and then one of them left early to go to her friends daughters birthday party. It was brutal. I can't imagine my SIL's would have any initiative to plan anything so therefore I can't imagine them paying for anything! Such a lovely bunch

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