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feeling like a failure, DH vent (long)

acbfreireacbfreire member
in June 2012 Moms

DD has recently started to have sleep issues. She was STTN or waking up once, now she fights bed time, wakes up twice for MOTN feedings (and she does seem hungry). Her naps have been a struggle for a while, she only naps on me after nursing or if she is carried for a while.

I try daily to put her down. but she wakes up immediately upon being put on the crib. I don't want her to get overtired, so I let her sleep on me. This way she gets 3 naps of 30 min-1h. I am alone at home with DD and if you read my older posts, you know that I was alone w/ her for a while b/c of DH's work.

He came back but got a new job. He commutes every day (70 mi each way). He wakes up at 4:30 am and comes home at 6 pm ish. Even then, I do all of DD's care. He will play a bit and read a story, but I do 90% of the work. I know that he is tired - so am I. On the weekends he helps more.

He now goes to the spare bedroom to sleep during the week, which I get, he needs to be rested to drive, but his attitude is what I think is wrong. Babies will wake up at night and they go through good and bad phases. It will not help to be frustrated.

So, yesterday, I was trying to get LO to nap and he kept making noise and startled her. He got mad saying that she needs to get used to noise. I agree but I don't know anyone that will sleep through a door being slammed.. When I ask him to keep it quiet, somehow he makes more noise. 

I told him that we need to adapt the activities to not disturb LO's sleep and that his expectations for sleep are not realistic. Then he said that I was spoiling her and that's why she wasn't sleeping!

I do not agree with CIO and had just gotten a copy of the no-cry sleep solution. At the same time, I know that DD is going through the stormy times before WW19.

It mad me mad that he wants her to sleep but cannot change his activities around to help with it and then blames me. Hello! I was alone with a newborn and did what I had to do to survive. He said that

I don't let DD cry. I don't. I try to see what she needs, but at night I let her fuss for 5 min before I pick her up. Sometimes she goes back to sleep. BUT SHE WILL MAKE NOISE AND WAKE US UP ANYHOW. She rooms in with us (easier for me) but sleeps in her crib.

I am just frustrated that he does not want to help but wants unrealistic results and is blaming me for spoiling DD :(

I am starting her logs for the no-cry but it is not a quick fix. Vent over...

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Re: feeling like a failure, DH vent (long)

  • snicksnacksnicksnack member

    I am sorry you are going through this and I understand that many people are against CIO but your child won?t be harmed or damaged due to crying for a short amount of time.  DD was always tended to because she was the first but now I have two and DS sometimes has to cry or I would never get anything done, such as making meals for DD?I won?t cook and wear due to safety issues and I won?t feed my toddler convenience junk food so I have to cook. Because of this I have found that after a few minutes of crying he does often fall asleep.  Some babies cry a little before going down and that is okay so don?t beat yourself up.  My DS is also a lousily naper I am going to talk to the pedi about it at his 4 month appointment.  DD napped like a champ not him, although he is getting better now that he is napping in his crib, less noise in his own room.  The key I have found to getting them to sleep well in a crib at night and during the day is putting them down awake and having their own rooms.  Don?t do the rocking and nursing to sleep anymore.  It may be tough at first but you will be thanking yourself when you are not tiptoeing out of your toddlers room for fear of waking.  We just recently moved DS to his crib and his routine is dress, nurse, book and bed awake.  He rolls over to his side sucks his thumb and goes to sleep.  Some nights he wakes up to eat others he does not it is hit and miss. I think being out of our room helped because we are not disturbing him.  At four months they are much more aware of what is going on around them.   When he does wake I feed, change and right back down. Having him out of our room has returned some normalcy to our lives, which is important because you want to have a good healthy marriage.   I was worried both times that it would be hard on me but each time I moved a child out at around 4 months their sleep approved.

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  • drbethcdrbethc member

    First of all you are not a failure! That being said, the challenge of adjusting our lives to babies can be very difficult. I know how you feel because DH was away the first few weeks of LO's life and I still do 90% of his care. Your DH was away a lot longer and has only been back for about a month consistently so is now starting to have to adjust his ways with baby. I feel like our DHs had a head start on adjusting because they were not away as long as your H. 

    I am very similar to you as is LO to isabel. My DS fights sleep and naps on me as well, I do not believe that you can spoil an infant and do not do the CIO method. I have been getting up every 2 hours to nurse at night and it does make me more cranky when my DH seems unsupportive. 

    I'm not here to give you advice, but just to tell you that I can totally understand your vent and we all need to vent sometimes. You are doing the best you can and in time you will find the way that works for all of you...Any adjustments positive or negative can be very stressful in marriages.

    {{{{hugs}}}}}.... 

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  • mylittlesunshinemylittlesunshine member
    imagesnicksnack:

    I am sorry you are going through this and I understand that many people are against CIO but your child won?t be harmed or damaged due to crying for a short amount of time.  DD was always tended to because she was the first but now I have two and DS sometimes has to cry or I would never get anything done,

     

    I could have written the same thing.

     

    I was the same way with DD1 when she was first born, but now that I have two, there is usually someone who is upset at one point or another.

     

    Maybe to get your DH in check is to get out of the house for a few hours when he is home leaving him to care for baby. That usually does the trick

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  • acbfreireacbfreire member
    imagemylittlesunshine:
    imagesnicksnack:

    I am sorry you are going through this and I understand that many people are against CIO but your child won?t be harmed or damaged due to crying for a short amount of time.  DD was always tended to because she was the first but now I have two and DS sometimes has to cry or I would never get anything done,

     

    I could have written the same thing.

     

    I was the same way with DD1 when she was first born, but now that I have two, there is usually someone who is upset at one point or another.

     

    Maybe to get your DH in check is to get out of the house for a few hours when he is home leaving him to care for baby. That usually does the trick

    I teach two nights/ week and he usually gets to experience some "hardships". I let her cry for short periods of time - going to the bathroom, getting something to eat, etc. She gets worked up really fast, and I don't like to let her get yo that point. That;s why I don't think CIO is for us.

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  • acbfreireacbfreire member
    imagedrbethc:

    First of all you are not a failure! That being said, the challenge of adjusting our lives to babies can be very difficult. I know how you feel because DH was away the first few weeks of LO's life and I still do 90% of his care. Your DH was away a lot longer and has only been back for about a month consistently so is now starting to have to adjust his ways with baby. I feel like our DHs had a head start on adjusting because they were not away as long as your H. 

    I am very similar to you as is LO to isabel. My DS fights sleep and naps on me as well, I do not believe that you can spoil an infant and do not do the CIO method. I have been getting up every 2 hours to nurse at night and it does make me more cranky when my DH seems unsupportive. 

    I'm not here to give you advice, but just to tell you that I can totally understand your vent and we all need to vent sometimes. You are doing the best you can and in time you will find the way that works for all of you...Any adjustments positive or negative can be very stressful in marriages.

    {{{{hugs}}}}}.... 

    Thank you. It is good to have ppl that can relate to what we're going through! I always appreciate your posts.

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  • notfrancienotfrancie

    You are NOT a failure!  I'm not really one for Men are from Mars type posts but in this situation, dudes simply. do. not. get. it.  My DH, who is generally sweet and patient, gets really frustrated and bratty about sleeping too.  

    You are biologically hard wired to respond to LO's crying.  You are definitely NOT spoiling her by trying to sleep train her.  Trust your mother's instinct and carry on.  

     I love my DH to bits but this baby thing has been SO stressful on our relationship!  Hang in there-- it will get better. 

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  • jamiah18jamiah18 member
    Hope things get better for ya! But I can totally relate- I am with dd the majority of the time and then dh comes home and its a completely different dynamic.  I'm not saying good or bad, just different.  And lack of sleep for anyone can have an effect on everyone!! Good luck, it will get better!!
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