Anyone Else Feel Guilty for Saying No to Work Stuff (vent)...

philfemgal · October 2012

...because of the pregnancy and just not feeling good/feeling exhausted?

I am a college professor/instructor with a temporary job that will either be 1 or maybe 2 years. I teach 3 courses a semester and have some time to do my own research and am of course still looking for permanent academic positions (which is like a half-time job in itself from around October til March). I commute a little over an hour 3 days a week to campus (a little over an hour away). I have early classes so I get to campus first thing in the morning and stay 6-7 hours and then leave in mid-late afternoon and usually work a little more that afternoon/evening at home. 2 days a week (when I don't have classes) I work from home most of the day preparing for class and doing my own research. Those parts of the job are just fine with me.

The problem I am having is that the nature of academic work is such that there are constant other events going on that are schedule at all times of the day/night, even once in a great while on weekends--e.g. my department hosts talks and special speakers that involve dinner afterward as well, and then every once in awhile there is a faculty meeting, or something else going on. It's not constant, but there have been at least 2 such events I haven't attended so far. (One weekend event I did attend.) These events are not actually required, but it's kind of expected that you go to at least some (most?) of them. They are usually held late in the afternoon or evening on days when I am already on campus. Staying for them would mean leaving the house at 7am and then staying on campus until 6-9pm and then driving home. I honestly think that I would fall asleep at the wheel if I did that! My tiredness is a bit better than it was in 1st trimester, but I still am tired a lot. I get home after a day of teaching and driving and just lay on the couch for the rest of the day and can't do anything around the house and then go to bed around 9pm because I just can't stay up. (I don't know how pregnant women can work 12 hour shifts! I would die!)

I do plan to suck it up and stay for at least 1-2 of these events at some point in the semester, but I feel like I need to plan ahead in advance for when I am going to do that and wasn't planning to do it tomorrow. Then I *just* got a request an hour ago to stay until 9pm tomorrow for a student group thing from another faculty member. I had already agreed to help out with the student group at some point this term, but we had not set up any particular time/day for doing so. This person doesn't actually know that I am pregnant and I think I'm going to tell him and explain that I am just too tired to spend 13 hours on campus plus 2+ hours of highway in one day. But I feel so guilty doing that. I feel like it makes all pregnant women look bad if I use being pregnant as an excuse (although it's not really an "excuse"--I really am exhausted a lot). And it makes me feel like I am not doing my job well enough, even though none of these things are actually required.

I am not very good at being assertive and saying no to begin with and I hate feeling guilty. I of course want to be a good faculty member and colleague, but on the other hand this job is temporary and doesn't pay very well and I care much, much more about is getting this baby here safe and sound and making it through the pregnancy without going crazy from anxiety than I care about the job. (It doesn't help that we are a week away from the point at which I went into labor last pregnancy and I am freaking out about that daily and sometimes just want to lay down and not move an inch for fear that too much activity could make me go into labor--which is all crazy thinking as the doctors do not even consider me high risk.)

Ugh. Am I just being a big baby?

tetiananina · October 2012

I think first and foremost you and the baby come first. I understand you want to be a team player and help out but you need to make sure it works for you as well. If there was a way for you not to have your 7am class and stay later that would make sense. I know typically they cancel classes due to an "emergency" but maybe you can have a Dr's appointment that has to happen that day so that you can come in later and get a little extra rest? I was working 10+ hours days with no lunch up until a few weeks ago and now I am working 8 hour days. Still no official lunch even though I eat and those 2 hours make a world of a difference. I still typically take a nap when I get home from work. Is there a place you can nap inbetween? I hope that what every you decide it works out and your peers understand where you are coming from.

I also don't think you are making all pregnant people look bad, some people have text book perfect pregnancies and others don't. People can't judge how one's pregnancy is different than someone elses. Especially with having Losses.

jbranden12 · October 2012

I'm sorry you're struggling and have to make these kind of decisions. I will tell you that with Patricia, I was working full time and in graduate school full time and at least 4 days a week, I was at work 7:30-4:30 and at school or my practicum site 5-9. I did miss a lot of my pregnancy. I say I "missed" it in that I can't remember exactly when I felt her move for the first time. I can't remember when DH could feel her from the outside. I was not paying attention enough to figure out a pattern for movement or do any kick counts. I loved being pregnant but I was looking ahead to my goal of completing the semester and then welcoming her home. I know none of that caused her death and I don't blame myself, but I wish I would have paid more attention. I guess I took it for granted.

Now, I don't think that's something you or I or anyone on this board will EVER do again. But what I'm saying is that if you don't feel like you'll have the time to truly enjoy this pregnancy, then it's time to say no to some commitments. If if were me, I'd rather feel guilty for skipping out on a speaker/dinner than regret not spending more time relishing the fact that I am pregnant. This may mean doing some juggling. Is there anyway to put in more face time in the afternoons or on one or two of your days at home each month?

Whew, this is getting long. But ultimately, you have to take care of yourself physically (meaning don't push it or put yourself in danger) and emotionally (meaning give yourself time to enjoy this time in your life if at all possible).

philfemgal · October 2012

Thanks for the understanding.

I said no to the event tomorrow. It happens though that I agreed to do an independent study with a student next term. Tonight I got word from the department that they wanted to make sure I knew I wouldn't be getting paid extra for doing it and wanted to know if I was still willing. I had no thought that I would be getting paid extra in the first place. It made me think that maybe that makes up for me not making it to some of the optional events, since this extra teaching is actually financially valuable in a sense where the optional events are not. (At least that is what I am going to tell myself to make myself feel less guilty.)

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