Reaching out to our son's birthmom

Re: Reaching out to our son's birthmom

• CaptainSerious member

  October 2012

  That's tough.  I wish I had some magical words of wisdom, but I don't.  I think it very much depends on your relationship, and also how your husband/partner feels about opening up that level of openness with BM, since it's likely to affect your relationship.

  The best advice I can give you is to follow your heart.  Only you know the relationship best, and if it would help or hurt things between you.  I wish you the best going forward, as I'm sure it's not easy to know she/they are hurting.

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• Ginny0211 member

  October 2012

  The first year is so hard. She is probably going through the grieving process which has its ups and downs and can regress at times and she might be guarding her heart a little. 

  Every birthmother handles their emotions and grieving differently of course. But maybe she is going through something similar to what I was so I will share my experience. Warning. It's long. I apologize.

  For me the first couple years I loved the visits and they helped re-afrim my decision and brought me great comfort, but at the same time they were very hard and I did have to muster a smile sometimes and sometimes I had to step away to compose myself so I wouldn't burst into tears. Some visits were nothing but a joy and then some visits were very bitter sweet. It was a roller coaster of emotions the first couple years or so.

  I did start to guard my heart and withdraw myself for a bit. I was so afraid of rejection from my birthson. I was afraid he would not feel a connection to me and would not want to continue a relationship in the future. I was afraid that he might just reject a hug from me and I would just burst into tears. I was also afraid (and still am) that his parents would close the adoption. I loved him so much but from a distance if that makes since. I didn't allow myself to fully open up to him. I always let my husband (the birthfather and my boyfriend at the time)  hold our birthson. I would hug him back when he hugged me, but I never hugged him. When he was a baby I rarely held him. I was afraid he would cry when I held him and I was afraid that him not being happy in my arms and hearing him cry knowing he was crying for his Mommy because I was not Mommy, just seemed too painful. I know that sounds ridiculous, but my heart was so fragile then. One day my birthson said he loved me and I said "thank you" back. The moment the words came out of my mouth, it hit me what I was doing. The fear that he would not love me or that I would not always be allowed to be apart of his life was in the way of me fully opening my heart to him and me letting him know how much I loved him. I realized that day that I always thought about how much I loved him, but I had never said it on our visits. I constantly gave him kisses and hugs and told him I loved him over and over at the hospital, but then I stopped. Ever since that visit when I said "thank you", I have made sure I tell him at every visit that I love him because I do and I never want him to doubt that. I won't' let myself build a wall up again like that.

  I think it was when my birthson turned four that I was through the grieving process and felt fully content. Before that I wasn't crying all the time or anything and I felt content in my decision, but visits were still very bitter sweet. I still grieve sometimes, but I have gotten through the process of healing and i'm content. The wound made while signing those papers is gone. It aches when I think about that day, but there is no fresh wound like there was the first year or so. 

  I'm fine at visits now. I don't consider the visits bitter sweet anymore. I cannot remember the last visit that made me cry. They really are such a happy part of my life and I am so grateful for every bit of time I get to share with my birthson.  

   The first year is the hardest and all the firsts open the wounds up. Experiencing the first Mother's day as a birthmother can be hard, first holidays after placement, your birth child's first birthday.... And as your birthchild experiences each milestone and you know you're missing those... all those first in the first year are hard and they can re-open that fresh wound. As with many things though, time heals. 

   

  As a PP said you know your relationship with her better than anyone and how you approach her depends on that relationship. For me, I would of appreciated my birthson's parents asking how I was feeling but I don't know if I would of been able to express it though when I was going through it and I was always afraid to let them see that I was upset so I probably would have just said I was fine. It is always nice to hear that someone is concerned and cares though. And it might be nice for you to let her know that you're thinking of her. 

  Good luck. And sorry if I blabbed on too much. 

   

   

   

  

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• MagickalNarwhal member

  October 2012

  Ginny, I can't even tell you how much it means to hear your story. Thank you SO much for sharing! Everything you said makes so much sense and I can see a lot of what you talked about in how she is with him. It's also really helpful to hear that reaching out could be positive even if she doesn't decide to open up. I do want her to know how much I love her and think of her.

  

  
  

  

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• MagickalNarwhal member

  October 2012

  Ginny do you mind me asking how often your visits are/were typically? Was there anything that his a parents could have done that would have helped or supported your process? If you feel ok responding but don't want to post publicly feel free to message me.
  
  Also, nothing you said sounded ridiculous at all! It sounded honest :

  

  
  

  

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• Ginny0211 member

  October 2012

  MagickalNarwhal:

  Also, nothing you said sounded ridiculous at all! It sounded honest :

  Thank you.

   

   

  Just sent you a message.  

  

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