Intro/Joining you all

meli1025 · October 2012

I am still in such a fog and feel like I have nowhere to turn. I went to my routine checkup at 19 weeks on Tuesday of last week, and my baby had no heartbeat. At 1am on Thursday morning after 26 hours of labor I delivered our precious baby girl, Ava Marie. Today was supposed to be the day of our anatomy scan, when I should've been over the moon happy with the news of a baby girl. Instead, I am sitting here in a fog and barely able to function. I can't speak without crying, I cry myself to sleep and wake up crying every day. I feel so empty and robbed. On top of it all, I've started lactating. I wish there were answers now, and we've consented to an autopsy but those results could take several weeks and may still be inconclusive. People say that being around my son should help distract me but truthfully, it does not help. I don't want him to see me so sad all the time, so today I sent him to daycare. We are having a private burial on Wednesday. I can't believe this has happened, and still wish I would wake from a horrible nightmare and still be carrying my baby girl. I yearn for her so badly. My dh is mourning with me, but in his own way. I want so badly to be pregnant again.

littleusfamily · October 2012

I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious baby girl Ava. I still remember the early days after I lost our daughter. I too cried from sun up to sun down. It was so hard to keep it together even a little bit.

I also have a son and people said the same thing to me but it didn't help. Instead I felt overwhelmed and unable to grieve properly. I still feel that way to a certain extent.

It doesn't seem like it now and I didn't believe it when people said it to me but it will get better, you will always miss your baby girl but within the coming months you will become more functional and a new normal will develop.

We're here and we get it.

And with your milk coming in, I just shared this in another post and it's long so I'll just post the link here too: https://www.littlebgcg.com/2012/07/decreasing-breast-milk-supply-after-the-loss-of-your-baby.html

I wrote that after losing my daughter, it's the dos and don'ts of decreasing milk supply with more modern research.

karebear57 · October 2012

I am so sorry for your loss of Ava Marie. I too have older boys and everyone told me I should be happy to have them and thought I shouldn't be as upset b/c I at least have them. But it's not the same as having your lil baby. They made it seem like I didn't love them as much, which is totally not true. Grieve however you need to. I still cry for Brianna. How your feeling is normal and don't let people tell you otherwise. These first days/weeks/months are going to be difficult but we are here for you whenever you need us. I am so sorry.

starburst0928 · October 2012

I am so sorry you have to come to this board. It absolutely sucks for all us to be here. I totally understand how empty and robbed you feel, but unfortunately I don't have any good advice for making those feelings go away.

Just know that we're all here to listen to you vent/get emotions out.

jbranden12 · October 2012

I am so sorry for the loss of your Ava Marie. Such a beautiful name! We can all relate to the nightmare you are experiencing. Just know that is is normal for you want to be pregnant again ASAP and it is normal for you and DH to grieve in different ways.

I hope you are able to find some answers but you are right to prepare yourself that there may not be. Our autopsy found our little girl to be perfect and no cause could be found for why her heart stopped beating. In a way, it has given me peace to know that there is nothing I or anyone else could have done to prevent her death.

We are here for you when you need us. ((HUGS))

weddedwife · October 2012

I'm truly sorry for the loss of your daughter Ava. I lost my son last year at 22 weeks 4 days. No one wants to join this club but this is a place of caring; a really wonderful group of women who can relate to most of what you are feeling.

I too have an older child and parenting those first few weeks was nearly impossible. Eventually we got some semblance of a routine back and she helped to carry me through it, though she did see us grieve intensely. Every day I woke up wishing it had all been a nightmare.

Sending you lots of love.

buggirl72 · October 2012

I am so sorry for the loss of your Ava Marie. I lost my son just over two weeks ago from a placental abruption. I too wish this was just some nightmare that I could wake up from. What has helped me the most is letting the grief come and not bottling anything up.

meli1025 · October 2012

Thank you all for your kind words. I'm glad that I can connect with you and hope that we can help each other. It's comforting to know that I'm not alone in this, yet sad and unfair to know that so many of us have to endure this heartache. I'm so sorry too for all of your losses. ((Hugs)). I will pray for all of our angels.

OSUWifey09 · October 2012

I am so, so sorry for the loss of your daughter - what a beautiful name. I know people say that having a child already makes it easier, but it didn't for me either. I lost my son at 34w4d almost eight weeks ago, and the first few weeks were awful. Trying to keep a put-together life for my living son while grieving over my lost son was so difficult. Sometimes, it still is.

I hope that you find some answers, and know that we're here if you need anything at all. I'm so glad I found this board when I lost Devon, and I hope we can give you some comfort as well. *hugs*

dandywarhol · October 2012

Oh, sweetie. I'm so sorry for the loss of your little Ava. Your loss is still so raw it is understandable that you are in a fog and barely able to function. I stayed in bed for the first week after the loss of my daughter at 21w and didn't really start to function again until almost two weeks. Having another child at home just makes it that much more difficult.

Having your milk come in following a loss seems like a cruel joke. You can try wearing tight sports bras, putting cabbage leaves in your bra, and keeping warm/hot water away from your breasts to help stop the milk. Ibuprofen can help with the pain.

Men do grieve and mourn differently but it is healthy that he is doing so. Keeping communications open with him will help you both in the long run.

I'm sorry to have to welcome you here considering the circumstances but hope you can find some support and comfort from the women here. {{hugs}}

GavinRonansMom · October 2012

We have almost the same story. I also went in for my 19w appt, the day before my big u/s and they found the same.thing....no heart beat. That appt was 2 weeks ago and i feel lost....which is normal i have been told. Dh is also feeling.lost, but Is our rock and does most things with ds. I am so very sorry for your loss, maybe we can help each other.....

tifgrayless · October 2012

I'm so sorry you lost your Ava and that you are joining us. I wish there was no need for this forum. I lost my son 2 wks ago after delivering him at 16wks, my water broke due to pPROM. I too have spent what seems like every waking moment crying and my husband wakes me from crying in my sleep. I also began lactating and it seems so cruel to know that we have no baby to nourish making a horrible situation ever worse. I am taking pain meds and wear an extremely tight bra and it has helped somewhat, I hope it works for you.I don't have any other children but I cannot image that would make this any easier. Every night I go to bed hoping this is a long and horrible nightmare waiting to wake up with my son growing healthily in my belly. They say its suppose to get easier, like you I am holding on and waiting for that time to come. Until then we have each other and the other woman on this board to who I am extremely grateful for. For now I just have to keep breathing.

meli1025 · October 2012

GavinRonansMom:
We have almost the same story. I also went in for my 19w appt, the day before my big u/s and they found the same.thing....no heart beat. That appt was 2 weeks ago and i feel lost....which is normal i have been told. Dh is also feeling.lost, but Is our rock and does most things with ds. I am so very sorry for your loss, maybe we can help each other.....

I am so sorry for your loss as well, I can't believe how similar our stories are. Have you been given any possible reasons at all yet? It's so hard taking care of ds and my dh does most things with him as well. This is so unfair. ((Hugs)). I hope we can help each other through this. My name is Melissa, feel free to reach out to me anytime.

pb127 · October 2012

I am so, so sorry for the passing of your sweet Ava. I really wish you didn't have to join us here, but I am glad you found us. Welcome here, I hope you will find some comfort here (((hugs)))

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