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March 2013 Moms
Family is NOT okay with me not wanting a shower
Advice needed 
I've been going back and forth with the idea of not having a shower. Initially, I was on board with it but the more I thought about it the more I realized that agreeing to having a shower is more of a way to appease the family than myself.
I'm not really crazy about the idea for many reasons and after discussing it with my husband he agreed that ultimately it was my decision and that he'd support me 100% if I decided I really didn't want one.
The family including my mother, MIL and SIL just don't get it. They have this mentality that I deserve a shower because all other preggo's get one and essentially I'm short changing myself in the long run. MIL actually told me to remember how many showers she'd been to and hinted that having one is about reciprocity. <----- I HATE THIS IDEA!
Truth is I just don't want one. Our family dynamics are a little strange and I don't want to put myself through the stress of a party when ultimately it's going to end up causing problems. (Certain family members don't get along - can't be in the same room but would INSIST that they all be invited anyway etc etc). I don't see the point of inviting everyone when on a day-to-day basis they don't even get along.
I figure that family and friends will come visit me on their own time once the babies are born and I'm 100% okay with that.
Am I crazy???
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Re: Family is NOT okay with me not wanting a shower
I am pregnant with my 6th baby and I have never had a baby shower. I've had many pregnant friends who also opted out of a baby shower. So nope, "everyone" doesn't do the shower thing. Of course the majority of people don't get my reasoning for not wanting a baby shower... and that's okay. They don't have to get it. They just have to respect my wishes.
Tell them you're the expectant mother, it's your baby, you don't want one, and what they think or want regarding this topic does not matter. If they're being persistent and pressuring you to do something you don't want to regarding something so insignificant, then I hate to imagine how they're going to be with other situations throughout the rest of your pregnancy & especially once baby is born. Ya gotta put your foot down from the get go, or they'll never stop trying to walk all over your decisions & preferences.
I don't want one either for many of the reasons listed above. My husband doesn't get it (the whole reciprocity thing) but doesn't want to have a co-ed one. Weird, right?
It's your pregnancy, so stick to your guns!
To me it sounds like your family is hurt they you don't want them to throw you a party. Sometimes Grandma's feel like it is important to share this with their friends and family. Even though it's your baby - - they sort-of see it as a Grandma's bragging right to throw a shower.
I can understand the frustration of family members getting or not getting along, but it is up to them to work that out - it is not your responsibility to not have parties because someone might start a food fight - it is your family's responsibility to grow up and learn to tolerate each other.
Ultimately, sit down and really discuss it with the person(s) offering to host the party - Explain your concerns calmly and rationally - and see if there is a way that you can compromise. I think it is really nice that they are even offerring to have a shower for you and it seems a bit calous to turn them down. And IMHO it seems very self-centered about what you want or don't want... suck it up and let your family do something nice for you...
I did not have a shower with DD, and I certainly won't be having one with this one. While the circumstances were different and out of my control, I was totally fine with it, and actually a little relieved I didn't have one. I hate being the center of attention and didn't want the stress of it.
However, if family were insisting that I have one, I would have no problem sticking to my guns and saying no, thank you (because after all, it is a gift they are trying to give you). Be strong.
For the people that turned down showers - do you mind me asking your reasons why? (not judging, just curious!) OP, I know you had some crazy family dynamics going on but what was going on for the others? Is it just the center of attention thing that makes you not want one or something else?
I am having mixed emotions about the one that will inevitably be held for me with DH's extended family. I get along just fine with 90% of DH's family. They're a little socially strange but nice enough people. However, he has an aunt and her children who have been just awful to me since the day I came into DH's life. (although never overtly so that DH can actually address it head on like he wants to) which doesn't really make me excited to sit and play nice. It would start World War III if I respectfully declined a shower thrown for me by all of them so I think I'll just be grinning and bearing it.
I have a couple reasons. One being that I do have a slight case of social anxiety disorder, and I don't like situations where "all eyes are on me." I get very uncomfortable and I can not enjoy myself at all.
Also, probably part of the SAD, I don't like to be the reason for events where people feel obligated to attend and bring gifts. Even at functions where the invite clearly said, "gifts are not necessary," most people bring gifts... and I know that most do it because they genuinely want to, but I also know people do it because they feel obligated or they fear they might look "cheap" if they don't bring a gift. And that makes me extremely uncomfortable, as well.
And I know people will argue that a baby shower is about a celebration of the new baby, not the gifts...... but all the showers I have been to, the gifts seem to have been the core purpose.
All this paired with all the controversy over "whats acceptable" and "what's tacky," just makes the whole concept 100% unappealing to me.
My family & close friends are invited to come meet the baby once he or she is born and we have settled in which, IMO, is a much more meaningful & intimate "celebration."