Do you accept apologies that miss the point?

morayme1 · October 2012

If you have an issue with dh and he apologizes for the reaction he had to you having issue with him, but doesn't mention the issue...how do you handle that?

quidditchcapn1120 · October 2012

Huh, you have tension and conflict in your marriage? Imagine that.

I think this totally has to do with the situation. I don't hold grudges. If it was something small and we've discussed it, I move on. We haven't really had any HUGE fights yet though so I'm not sure what I would do in that situation.

MJN9510 · October 2012

It makes me even more mad and the fight gets bigger. DH likes to apologize "if he made me mad". Well that comment infuriates me! That doesnt make him sorry for what he did or said, just the fact that he made me mad. I want him to understand what he said or did was wrong. UGH!

CoffeeBeen · October 2012

Depends how egregious that act was.

scoutkate · October 2012

Depends on the issue.

Wasn't he having some problems with drinking?

morayme1 · October 2012

twatley:
I need more specifics to properly answer the question. What did your husband do? What was your reaction?

Since the problems we had a few months back, everything has been fine. He has a function to go to that involves a lot of single childless friends. I asked if he was going to be responsible and be able to drive himself home (as this was the issue we were having..he was treating every function as an opportunity to get too drunk to drive himself) and he reacted by calling me a *** and telling me that he is a man and he can do whatever he wants. I walked away and slept on the couch and this morning he sent me a text that he is sorry for swearing at me. Part of me wants to accept apology, but part of me says no, after all the work we have done in the past months he shouldn't be reacting that way, I have every right to ask the questions as I am the one who has been lied to in the past. It's also his birthday, which is making me feel a little bad about staying angry.

klondikebar · October 2012

He shouldn't have reacted that way and should apologize for it, but how did you say it to him? I'm guessing it was in a condescending tone. And if things have been fine, maybe he was upset that you don't trust him.

NerdyMama2 · October 2012

What was the issue?

morayme1 · October 2012

twatley:
He needs to apologize both for calling you a name and for saying that he is a man and can do whatever he wants, and then you guys need to move on and celebrate his birthday.

The issue you're having is an issue about a potential issue that may or may not even arise. You just need to tell him that you expect him to stay sober at the event (or be responsible) and be able to drive himself home. Leave it at that and then handle the screw up when and if it actually occurs. Try not to say it in your usual shitty way.

Right now you're borrowing trouble. He might very well do the right thing and then this fight would be completely unnecessary.

I understand what you are saying. But if he planned on doing the right thing anyway, what was the point of getting angry, calling names, and stating his ability to do whatever he wants? When someone makes comments to that effect does anyones mind automatically think "obviously what he means by he can "do whatever he wants" is he wants to stay sober and come home early"

scoutkate · October 2012

What Twat said.

morayme1 · October 2012

mbenit4:
morayme1:

twatley:
I need more specifics to properly answer the question. What did your husband do? What was your reaction?

Since the problems we had a few months back, everything has been fine. He has a function to go to that involves a lot of single childless friends. I asked if he was going to be responsible and be able to drive himself home (as this was the issue we were having..he was treating every function as an opportunity to get too drunk to drive himself) and he reacted by calling me a *** and telling me that he is a man and he can do whatever he wants. I walked away and slept on the couch and this morning he sent me a text that he is sorry for swearing at me. Part of me wants to accept apology, but part of me says no, after all the work we have done in the past months he shouldn't be reacting that way, I have every right to ask the questions as I am the one who has been lied to in the past. It's also his birthday, which is making me feel a little bad about staying angry.

If my SO was always calling me names and then apologizing then I would still be made. If this was like a rare thing and he apologized for the remark then I would accept it. I would also let him know - "I understand that me questioning you could be a pain in the a$$ to you. I get that. However, you have put me in this position. Your drinking and your behavior in the past is what causes me to have to question you and what you are going to do. So it hurts me that you lash out at me because I asked. It makes me feel as though you don't see how all of this has affected me at all. It also makes me feel that all the work we have done has been for nothing because you don't get it."

Hmmm, that sounds like a good answer. It's totally acceptable for me to copy word for word a strangers answer from the internetz..yes?

scoutkate · October 2012

morayme1:

twatley:
He needs to apologize both for calling you a name and for saying that he is a man and can do whatever he wants, and then you guys need to move on and celebrate his birthday.

The issue you're having is an issue about a potential issue that may or may not even arise. You just need to tell him that you expect him to stay sober at the event (or be responsible) and be able to drive himself home. Leave it at that and then handle the screw up when and if it actually occurs. Try not to say it in your usual shitty way.

Right now you're borrowing trouble. He might very well do the right thing and then this fight would be completely unnecessary.

I understand what you are saying. But if he planned on doing the right thing anyway, what was the point of getting angry, calling names, and stating his ability to do whatever he wants? When someone makes comments to that effect does anyones mind automatically think "obviously what he means by he can "do whatever he wants" is he wants to stay sober and come home early"

Maybe he thought that the improvement he's shown in the last couple of months would have earned him a little more trust from you. Maybe he found your comments condescending (shocker). I think that the things he said to you were utterly shitty and yes, you deserved the apology he gave you. But what's the point of you guys trying to work things out if you never give him the benefit of the doubt? Wait until he proves you right to get on his case.

Manateearmz · October 2012

If an apology is sincere I accept it. An apology is more than saying" I'm sorry", it means correcting the situation and not doing it again.

Also, saying shiity things to others without true remorse sucks doesn't it? coughpointsfingeratOPcough

As with any situation I believe there are two sides to every story. Especially in marital battles, unless one of the spouses is just a downright horrible person.

That is all I've got.

jorkz821 · October 2012

What twats said.

Also, aruiz, this might be a good time to take note of the support you get from this board when you need it. Maybe you can think about that before coming out in your full snatchy glory next time.

morayme1 · October 2012

scoutkate:
morayme1:

twatley:
He needs to apologize both for calling you a name and for saying that he is a man and can do whatever he wants, and then you guys need to move on and celebrate his birthday.

The issue you're having is an issue about a potential issue that may or may not even arise. You just need to tell him that you expect him to stay sober at the event (or be responsible) and be able to drive himself home. Leave it at that and then handle the screw up when and if it actually occurs. Try not to say it in your usual shitty way.

Right now you're borrowing trouble. He might very well do the right thing and then this fight would be completely unnecessary.

I understand what you are saying. But if he planned on doing the right thing anyway, what was the point of getting angry, calling names, and stating his ability to do whatever he wants? When someone makes comments to that effect does anyones mind automatically think "obviously what he means by he can "do whatever he wants" is he wants to stay sober and come home early"

Maybe he thought that the improvement he's shown in the last couple of months would have earned him a little more trust from you. Maybe he found your comments condescending (shocker). I think that the things he said to you were utterly shitty and yes, you deserved the apology he gave you. But what's the point of you guys trying to work things out if you never give him the benefit of the doubt? Wait until he proves you right to get on his case.

I will be able to give him the benefit of the doubt..in time. This is the first thing we aren't going to together and it's going to be full of a selection of his friends that enjoy drinking more than the average bear...it the exact recipe that has caused our problems to begin with. I think he should be cutting me some slack on my condecendingness

[Deleted User] · October 2012

morayme1:
scoutkate:
morayme1:

twatley:
He needs to apologize both for calling you a name and for saying that he is a man and can do whatever he wants, and then you guys need to move on and celebrate his birthday.

The issue you're having is an issue about a potential issue that may or may not even arise. You just need to tell him that you expect him to stay sober at the event (or be responsible) and be able to drive himself home. Leave it at that and then handle the screw up when and if it actually occurs. Try not to say it in your usual shitty way.

Right now you're borrowing trouble. He might very well do the right thing and then this fight would be completely unnecessary.

I understand what you are saying. But if he planned on doing the right thing anyway, what was the point of getting angry, calling names, and stating his ability to do whatever he wants? When someone makes comments to that effect does anyones mind automatically think "obviously what he means by he can "do whatever he wants" is he wants to stay sober and come home early"

Maybe he thought that the improvement he's shown in the last couple of months would have earned him a little more trust from you. Maybe he found your comments condescending (shocker). I think that the things he said to you were utterly shitty and yes, you deserved the apology he gave you. But what's the point of you guys trying to work things out if you never give him the benefit of the doubt? Wait until he proves you right to get on his case.

I will be able to give him the benefit of the doubt..in time. This is the first thing we aren't going to together and it's going to be full of a selection of his friends that enjoy drinking more than the average bear...it the exact recipe that has caused our problems to begin with. I think he should be cutting me some slack on my condecendingness

You give respect to get respect.

andyyougoonie · October 2012

morayme1:

I will be able to give him the benefit of the doubt..in time. This is the first thing we aren't going to together and it's going to be full of a selection of his friends that enjoy drinking more than the average bear...it the exact recipe that has caused our problems to begin with. I think he should be cutting me some slack on my condecendingness

This is your problem. You think it's ok to be condescending. It's not. Ever. Try compassion for once.

He has a problem. It is a problem because it's difficult for him to control (like you and your snatchiness). He will try controlling it, without you there to monitor his every move, but you have to show him that you have faith that he can do it. Without treating him like a dog that misbehaved.

ASmallWonder · October 2012

mbenit4:
morayme1:

twatley:
I need more specifics to properly answer the question. What did your husband do? What was your reaction?

Since the problems we had a few months back, everything has been fine. He has a function to go to that involves a lot of single childless friends. I asked if he was going to be responsible and be able to drive himself home (as this was the issue we were having..he was treating every function as an opportunity to get too drunk to drive himself) and he reacted by calling me a *** and telling me that he is a man and he can do whatever he wants. I walked away and slept on the couch and this morning he sent me a text that he is sorry for swearing at me. Part of me wants to accept apology, but part of me says no, after all the work we have done in the past months he shouldn't be reacting that way, I have every right to ask the questions as I am the one who has been lied to in the past. It's also his birthday, which is making me feel a little bad about staying angry.

If my SO was always calling me names and then apologizing then I would still be made. If this was like a rare thing and he apologized for the remark then I would accept it. I would also let him know - "I understand that me questioning you could be a pain in the a$$ to you. I get that. However, you have put me in this position. Your drinking and your behavior in the past is what causes me to have to question you and what you are going to do. So it hurts me that you lash out at me because I asked. It makes me feel as though you don't see how all of this has affected me at all. It also makes me feel that all the work we have done has been for nothing because you don't get it."

This is exactly how I feel. I always try to acknowledge that what I'm saying/doing is bugging the shitt out of him and then explain why it's reasonable that I need to do so.

[Deleted User] · October 2012

The user and all related content has been deleted.

zeptattoo · October 2012

I have found that apologizes mean nothing if they are not followed up by corrected actions.

TunaTown · October 2012

SookieFrackhouse68:
What Twat said. Aggression will breed aggression. What he said was asstastic, but I am guessing your request might have been better received were it in a nicer tone. I have seen this firsthand with my bro and his wife. He had a problem for many years. And she was always a giant thundercunt to him. It was never pretty.

Now I have that "Thunderstruck" ACDC song in my head, but all I hear is Brian Johnson sing the word Thundercunt in its place.

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