adoptive mother wants to hold my baby as soon as shes born

ameliaahh · October 2012

my parents are making me give my baby up for adoption and im due to have my baby girl in a few weeks, and the adoptive moter wants to hold the baby first when shes born. my mom told me that i am selfish if i want to deprive the adoptive mother of that moment but i wont be able to see my baby girl any more after i sign the papers and i really want to have the time before i have to sign the papers to myself with her and my mother told me im being selfish for wanting to do so. am i being selfish for wanting to hold MY baby first>? im really hoping that my parents will see my baby girl and fall in love with her and let me keep her but if i never get to see her again ill be really sad if i miss out of that moment with her. any mothers who gave their babys for adoption know how i feel? am i alone?

amm78 · October 2012

I'm sorry to hear that you're being pressured into choosing adoption.

You are not being selfish for wanting to hold her! And I would hope that any hopeful adoptive mother would be understanding of this.

Also, you don't have to feel like you'll never get to see her again... open adoption can be a beautiful thing.

baze2 · October 2012

amm78:

I'm sorry to hear that you're being pressured into choosing adoption.

You are not being selfish for wanting to hold her! And I would hope that any hopeful adoptive mother would be understanding of this.

Also, you don't have to feel like you'll never get to see her again... open adoption can be a beautiful thing.

this exactly! In an open adoption, you would be able to follow her thorughout her life..not parenting her but loving her along the way. Perhaps you should explore this option.

Also, please make sure YOU are ready for an adoption plan!!!

baze2 · October 2012

amm78:

I'm sorry to hear that you're being pressured into choosing adoption.

You are not being selfish for wanting to hold her! And I would hope that any hopeful adoptive mother would be understanding of this.

Also, you don't have to feel like you'll never get to see her again... open adoption can be a beautiful thing.

this exactly! In an open adoption, you would be able to follow her thorughout her life..not parenting her but loving her along the way. Perhaps you should explore this option.

Also, please make sure YOU are ready for an adoption plan!!!

DaisyZH · October 2012

I'm so sorry that you're being pressured by your parents. Is there an adoption agency that you are working with, perhaps there is a counselor or social worker that you could talk to?

As far as holding your baby that is totally your choice and you're not being selfish at all. (( Hugs ))

kmkaull2 · October 2012

I agree with PP. This IS your baby, and you are not being selfish at all. Hopefully the adoptive parents will understand. We didn't meet our son until he was 24 hours old. His birth mom wanted time with him. It was just fine.

Dr.Loretta · October 2012

I strongly suggest counseling for you, and hopefully having your parents come as well. If you don't want to make an adoption plan, that's your decision. Your parents can help you make that decision, but they shouldn't be doing it for you.

And you have every right to hold your daughter after she's born, and even spend a good chunk of time with her, whether that's hours or even days. It's not selfish. This is a very emotional time for you, and if being with her will help you, that's a good thing.

I also encourage you to look at open adoption, so you'll be able to see her from time to time. We see our daughter's birthom and birthgrandma twice a year, and the visits are great.

ameliaahh · October 2012

well i dont want to give my baby up for adoption at all, my parents are making me. they said they will kick me out if i keep her and i dont have any where else to go. my parents are really controlling of me and they didn't even let me pick the couple out they just picked a couple from their church that they knew wanted a baby. its basically been this is this and you cant do anything about it.

coriet · October 2012

I don't have any advice for you, but I will keep you in my thoughts!

I hope things turn out okay for you and your baby!

Ginny0211 · October 2012

No, you're NOT being selfish. And this is your baby and your decision! Please do not let your parents force you into this decision. This is a forever decision that will be on your heart for the rest of your life. You have to be at peace with it. And no one can force someone to be at peace with a decision like this. I am content with my decision to place my birthson into an adoptive family and I do not regret my decision, but it was MY decision to make and not an easy one. I was in high school when I got pregnant. My parents gave me the RESPECT to make this decision on my own and allowed me to explore my options and arrive at my decision feeling content and secure in my decision. You have to be ok with your decision to sign those papers. Oh my goodness my heart is breaking for you right now. I cannot imagine signing those papers while being forced to. Signing those papers was the most painful experience of my life and if anyone forced me to do that; I would never forgive them and resent them.

If you decide on adoption please make a plan for the hospital that YOU want. It is NOT selfish at all for you to want to hold your baby right away. This is your time with your baby. You have been carrying her for 9 months of course you want to meet her right away. If you need that to help you grieve as you say goodbye to being her mommy then you do it! You can't get this time back, make it how you want it to be.

When my birthson was born we did not invite his parents to the hospital until the next day. If I could do it over again, I think I would of invited my birthson's mom into the delivery room if she wanted (she never asked), but I still would of been the first to hold him. I just needed that. When he was born I bursted into tears and they could not hand him to me fast enough. I just had to hold that baby that I had been waiting so long to meet. Some birth mom's choose differently, but that's just it they CHOOSE to. It is the birthmother's choice. It should be no on else's.

I cherish the time that my husband (the birthfather) and I had with our birthson in the hospital. The time when it was just the three of us in between all the visits from everyone. We held him and kissed him so much and spent tons of time crying as we told him how much we loved him and how we wished with all our hearts we could keep him. If someone tried to take that time from me.... wow I cannot imagine. I needed that time. It was my time to say hello before saying goodbye (even though it wasn't a forever goodbye, but it was a goodbye from having him with me all the time and goodbye to being his mom).

If you choose to do an adoption you can have an open adoption and have visits and or receive pictures and updates. I chose the parents for my birthson and I only was open to looking at potential parents that were willing to do an open adoption with visits. During my birthson's first year I saw him about 6 times. The visits I have with him mean the world to me. Seeing him smile makes my heart swell.

Please seek counseling and help so that you can know your choices and get help with them being respected.

If you need to talk everyone here is very nice and helpful.

jillianmb · October 2012

ameliaahh:
well i dont want to give my baby up for adoption at all, my parents are making me. they said they will kick me out if i keep her and i dont have any where else to go. my parents are really controlling of me and they didn't even let me pick the couple out they just picked a couple from their church that they knew wanted a baby. its basically been this is this and you cant do anything about it.

Can you go to your pastor or youth pastor at your church to talk to them and tell them that your parents are pressuring you? You should not have to be placing your baby for adoption if that is not what you want to do. Your pastor should be able to help you find options like a place to live etc., if your parents kick you out. They should also be able to help you and your parents find counseling so you can heal your relationship with them. My best advice is do not let anyone pressure you into this situation; you need to look at all your options and decide the best one for you. Adoption is a wonderful thing, but it has to be your choice.

Ginny0211 · October 2012

ameliaahh:
well i dont want to give my baby up for adoption at all, my parents are making me. they said they will kick me out if i keep her and i dont have any where else to go. my parents are really controlling of me and they didn't even let me pick the couple out they just picked a couple from their church that they knew wanted a baby. its basically been this is this and you cant do anything about it.

Is there someone at your Church you can talk to about this and maybe they can help mediate or counsel you and your parents?

Maybe you can contact your school counselor?

Even if you're a minor, they cannot force you to do this. You sign the papers, not them. You legally have the right to choose. This is your baby. I would tell them that before this goes any further you want to go to counseling with them. Preferably one that is familiar with adoption. I cannot imagine any professional agreeing with the way your parent's are handling this. You should of course be respectful to your parents and i'm sure they are trying to do what they think is best, but this is your heart and you have to live with this for the rest of your life and they must understand that you need to be content with your decision. They have NO idea how painful it is to sign those papers. They have NO idea how painful it is to grieve over not being able to parent your baby. They may be the adults, but that does not make them experts in this area. This is something they have never experienced. You're the one that is going to have this with you for the rest of your life, not them.

Maybe try to talk to them again and if they won't listen then talk to a trusted adult family member and seek help.

Dr.Loretta · October 2012

There are a ton of services available to you, including crisis pregnancy centers. Please find one and make a decision based on what you want and can handle, not what your parents have decided.

silliestbunny · October 2012

Echoing what others have said... please go find some help to support you so that can decide what is best for you.

Also understand that being "forced" to surrender your baby to an adoption plan may not bode well as a life story for the baby. As she/he ages, he needs to understand this was done w/good thought and love. Your parents need to understand that forcing you may not just hurt you... but everyone involved in the adoption triad.

Call your pastor, a pregnancy crisis hotline, your doctor.... someone.

CalinsBride · October 2012

This is your baby and your decision. I would move out before I would let anyone take my baby and give it to someone else if I wasn't comfortable with adoption. Please call a crisis pregancy centre or go to your doctor and ask them what you can do. There are places you can stay if you want to raise this baby yourself.

Also, are you planning on continuing to go to your church? Is this family going to continue attending your church? Would you see the baby there if you did decide to place them for adoption?

CaptainSerious · October 2012

Please don't let your parents or anyone else make this decision for you. You will only hurt and resent them for a lifetime. If, after deciding for yourself, you do pursue adoption, you have the right and obligation to yourself, your child, and any adoptive parents to build a relationship with the adoptive parents that you feel will best benefit you (open, closed, semi-open, what type of adoptive family, etc.).

This may seem impossible, but it's not. Consider it your lifelong gift to your child. You (nor your child) should not have to live a life wondering if you made the right choice, what happened to him/her, how he/she is doing, etc. YOU have the right to stand up for yourself here, and the responsibility as well.

ameliaahh · October 2012

ty for ur guys advice. i went to my school councilor and they gave me some fliers and gave me a number for a center for me.

i dont go to church that often but i dont know if i would see the baby there or not if i did go through with it. they said they dont want me around.

IRR · October 2012

ameliaahh:
i dont go to church that often but i dont know if i would see the baby there or not if i did go through with it. they said they dont want me around.

You are entitled to an open adoption if that is the route you choose, so if these people don't want you around it doesn't sound like they are the right adoptive family for you. I can't believe they would tell you that and your parents are forcing this one you. I hope the advice your counselor provided will give you the information you need and will provide you with some piece of mind. Best of luck and we on this board will be thinking good thoughts for you.

jillianmb · October 2012

ameliaahh:
ty for ur guys advice. i went to my school councilor and they gave me some fliers and gave me a number for a center for me.

i dont go to church that often but i dont know if i would see the baby there or not if i did go through with it. they said they dont want me around.

Like we've said, you do not have to place your baby for adoption, but even if you decide adoption is best there are lots and lots of couples who can provide your baby a loving home and who will allow you to see the baby and be in the baby's life. Placing your baby with this one couple from church is NOT your only option. Please use those fliers the counselor gave you and learn about all your choices. You need to make a decision that is best for you and the baby, regardless of what other people say. You are the baby's mom; this is up to you. Please come back to the board if you need more advice or support. I pray you find the strength to make the right decision for both of you.

MagickalNarwhal · October 2012

Oh my goodness, your post is breaking my heart. I'm not sure how your parents or the couple from church who want your baby can sleep at night. Please please take the time that you need to make a decision that you feel comfortable with (though honestly it sounds like you have already made it!). There ARE resources out there to help you parent if that is what you wish. YES it will be hard. But I cannot imagine many things harder than placing a baby for adoption against your will. I love the phrase "adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary problem," and from the very little you have shared here it seems highly applicable to your situation.

I will echo what the others have said - if you DO decide that adoption is the best path FOR YOU AND YOUR BABY (not your parents or some random couple at church who sound like the want you out of the picture the second the baby comes out of your hoo-ha), there are so many waiting families that might be a better fit and who would have no problems giving you the time that you need to say goodbye to your baby AND to have you as a part of the kid's life forever. Please don't let yourself be coerced into a decision that isn't right. I can't see that ending well.

I will be thinking of you and sending you so much love and strength.

greenteabee · October 2012

You don't have to give your baby up for adoption. It's not anybody's choice but yours.

You're not selfish, and you're not alone. But if you do decide on adoption, I'd say find a couple you're really comfortable with.

Parent your baby if that's what you want to do. There's tons of resources out there. Don't be ashamed of getting help. Good luck.

BunniKakes · October 2012

I have a close family member who was in almost exactly your situation 35yrs ago. I am so, so sorry this is happening to you, to anyone. Your parents' behavior is atrocious and cruel.

sh4602 · October 2012

i wish i could give you a hug we had the same thing happen to us the parents wanted the expecting mom to give the baby up for adoption. just wanted to say good luck and make an adoption plan that will work for you and the adoptive parents.

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