They think they "get" it.

Chocodoxies · October 2012

When someone who has never experienced a loss personally tells you that they "understand" or they "get" what you are going though, or did go through, what do you think? I hear this constantly from women who have never felt the pain of a loss personally and it is infuriating to me. I had a friend e-mail me that there was nothing she could say to me after my last loss because she had "been through this before with me" and it was too painful for HER. This baffles me, so I am curious, what do you ladies think?

EDIT: Let me clarify, I mean they "get" or "understand" because they know someone who has gone through a loss. Such as a family member, or a close friend. That the proximity to the loss somehow makes them feel it.

s0ulchicken · October 2012

I think, that until one has personally been touched by a tragedy like the loss of a child, that they are incapable of understanding. Not to say that they can't feel sympathy or saddness, but the depth of the loss, the soul shattering abyss of losing a child...I don't believe anyone who hasn't had to try to rebuild from that type of loss can understand. Loss effects each of us differently, but we all have a certain "solidarity" if you will, as we have all been in that sh!tty, sh!tty dark place. We don't have identical stories, but we all experienced a tragedy so deep and dark that we can "understand" one another. Perhaps we are united in the grief that I would wager ultimately has made us stronger? Just my two cents...

bananers · October 2012

This bothers me too. I am one of the most empathetic people you'll ever meet, and I will be the first to admit I never really "got" it until I went through it myself. I had several friends experience miscarriage before I did, and while I was always quick to give them a hug and tell them how sorry I was, I didn't truly understand the pain they were experiencing until it happened to me.

There is a blog I read frequently and she recently said something that (unintentionally) came across as insensitive to anyone who's had a loss before. A few readers pointed it out and a bunch of people jumped in to defend the blogger saying that people were overreacting, and cited "sisters" and "friends" or "cousins" who had had a miscarriage, as if that somehow made them qualified to talk about it. SO not the same thing. Not even close.

Rosebean · October 2012

As someone who had an early loss (missed miscarriage through a chemical pregnancy)... I don't think I would ever be able to say to another woman who went through a preterm loss or late loss that I "got" what she is going through. As a PP stated, you can extrapolate from your own experience and that is about the depth of it. My best friend miscarried a few months before I did, and her loss was timed the same as mine. However, watching her go down the deep dark path of depression with her loss definitely made me keep my eyes open as to how far down that hole I wanted to go during my own. I cannot fathom how much more different her pain was in comparison to my own. And worse, before my own loss I was so IGNORANT of her feelings and to this day I feel shame that I didn't support her the way that I should have.

I would just say to your friend that that (as horrendously selfish her statement was to you) that you are glad she doesn't get what you are going through and you hope that she never does. I certainly wouldn't wish that experience on my worst enemy. And as I was iluding to with my previous statement of not understanding the pain of a late loss: I mean that in my eyes it just seems so much more devastating than an early loss. I can't even fathom it and I would never compare my loss to one like that. The best I would ever be able to say to a woman who had a late loss is that I understood why she was feeling the way she was... Never that I understood what she was going through. There is a vast difference between empathy and sympathy. Maybe you should send your friend the definitions of both.

Chocodoxies · October 2012

nola78:
It definitely bothers me because it implies that the grief of those going through a tragedy can be quantified and felt as "the same" by others who haven't experienced it. And that's just not true, at all. The reason it bothers me so much is because that belief opens the door for others to judge your experience and grief, when it's impossible to do so since they didn't experience it.
I'm assuming that this question is in response to the DD thread on the Jan board? I'm glad you said something to that poster because her response that she "understood loss" because of knowing someone who had a loss is total BS and is offensive.
I don't presume to understand what the other women on this board went through. I can extrapolate my own grief to try to add perspective to my responses, and understanding to the fear and emotions of being PgAL. But everyone's experience with loss is unique, and is their own. Even having gone through a loss of my own, I would never say that I fully understand the pain of another's loss.

Yes, this is in response to the DD thread. I am a bit ashamed to say that something that someone said on an internet message board actually ruffled my feathers. It really upsets me when someone who has never experienced the loss that we have boldly declares their understanding of our emotions. I lost my mind when I lost Samuel, and I am pretty sure that I never got it back completely and that is how I have mentally survived losing three more babies. When my friend claimed that it was too painful for her, my relationship with her was never the same though I am not sure she is aware of that. I can't imagine losing a child late in a pregnancy, and I won't pretend that any of my losses are the same, or that the sheer number of losses makes me more qualified to understand losing a baby in the 2nd or 3rd trimester. I can't tell you why some women have a loss and handle it seemingly calmly in comparison to others who lose their sanity for a year (like me), but I would never judge them for how they handle it. I do know that I remember the naivete with which I experienced that first pregnancy for 12 weeks. I had a video journal started, and I had purchased a $300 rocking bear for my little one before I even had an ultrasound. I was even looking at nursery bedding the day before we discovered that Samuel was not with us. I wish I had that again. For the first time, I actually got shaken by something someone stated on a message board, and thank God I have you PGAL's to talk to about it.

If you have never been to the moon, how can you tell me what it feels like to look back with longing at the earth?

edinger3 · October 2012

I'm with pp's. Until you actually lose a child (born or unborn), you can never really understand the enormity of the loss. People can picture themselves in your place to try to empathize, but once again, they will never know.

Mom2anAngel2 · October 2012

I completely agree. I cringe when others say that they "get it" when they have never been through a loss. They do not understand the emptiness and pain that one goes through. After delivering our son, I hated to even look at myself. All I could see was a body that had failed me and still had to feel the symptoms that occur after delivery. I know that they were trying to be sympathetic and supportive, but for me, it just fell into the catagory of people say the dumbest things when they don't know what to say.

FreyaWin2382 · October 2012

Oh lady...I am so so sorry that those stupid comments hurt you so much. I have tried to step away from all of it since yesterday, but I hate that this has caused you so much more pain. (((HUGS)))

I will say though, that while I completely understand your irritation with the poster stating that she "got it" because she watched what her family members have gone through, I think that we need to be careful not to get into the "pain Olympics"....what I mean by that is that while yes, she has never had a miscarriage so will not truly understand the feelings a woman feels when she has that loss, it can be very difficult to not get into the "well I have been through xyz, which is so much more painful then anything you could be feeling."because there are no real winners in that game.

I remember after my first loss one of my good friends wrote to me that she totally "got it" and had been devastated when she had to put her dog to sleep. At first, I was furious....I have had to put pets down as well, but that pain in no way matched the feeling of losing my baby! But after I had some time to think about it, I realized that what she was doing was the best she could to try and find a way to relate to how I was feeling....she wasn't trying to trivialize my loss, but rather find a way to relate to it.

It's similar to how, while my two losses completely devastated me (I am still in counseling and not a day goes by that I don't think of them...), I am a pediatric oncology nurse and know that I would never claim to know exactly how a parent who has had to watch their child slowly die from cancer feels. The best that I can ever say in those situations is "I'm so sorry.".

Does that make sense?

However, I will also add that that poster (as well as the original OP before the thread got "taken down") did seem to be using her experience as a way to pass judgement in the ("I do know how it feels, you don't know me, and I think that you shouldn't be doing/feeling xyz".)...and that is not okay or fair to pass those kind of judgments.

I want to say this with the utmost caring and respect: I think it's time that you took a step away from that whole thread....it just seems like this back and forth is causing you so much more pain and honestly, the a$$ who originally started it has gone away. If those other posters want to come on and defend him, then let them....this exchange doesn't seem to be doing anything but having more hurtful things said. You know that what was said was wrong, we all know he was wrong and if those other posters don't understand then, as hurtful and frustrating as it is, they just won't. You did an amazing job verbalizing how I think most of us AL-ers felt (much better then I did) and did your best to try and educate. Now it's time to take care of yourself again.

Chocodoxies · October 2012

BandEddie:
Chocodoxies:
If you have never been to the moon, how can you tell me what it feels like to look back with longing at the earth?
I think that's the most beautiful way I've ever heard this expressed.

Thank you.

GaiaEarthMom12 · October 2012

I agree with what everyone's saying about there being know way to know what it's like unless you go through it yourself. However, I do think that family members experience the loss, too. For example, my parents and brother and grandparents, etc. lost a grandchild, niece/nephew, great-grandchild, etc. It may not be totally the same kind of grief, but they grieved as well, the loss of the family member they will never know.

Chocodoxies · October 2012

FreyaWin2382:
I want to say this with the utmost caring and respect: I think it's time that you took a step away from that whole thread....it just seems like this back and forth is causing you so much more pain and honestly, the a$$ who originally started it has gone away. If those other posters want to come on and defend him, then let them....this exchange doesn't seem to be doing anything but having more hurtful things said. You know that what was said was wrong, we all know he was wrong and if those other posters don't understand then, as hurtful and frustrating as it is, they just won't. You did an amazing job verbalizing how I think most of us AL-ers felt (much better then I did) and did your best to try and educate. Now it's time to take care of yourself again.

I really appreciate your taking the time to write this out to me, and I think you are totally right. It is time to step away and let it go. I normally don't get so involved, and like I said, I'm a bit ashamed that I let an internet post upset me to this point. Thank you for saying this. I am going to try and see the comments, such as "I get it" and so forth, as an attempt to support and relate rather than the upsetting statement I was hearing before. At the point I am at, emotionally upset and flustered by this, I could easily see this getting into an "pain olympics" kind of situation, and that will help nobody.

Hugs back to you as well. Thanks for the support ladies.

;0)

On a separate note, props on having a job that I would consider as being one of the most emotionally trying positions ever.

Albah · October 2012

We sometimes experience unfortunate events as parents, friends, siblings, etc. We don't know what it feels to experience such things as someone else, it's impossible. What I felt experiencing my loss is not the same as how my husband felt or as how my friend who supported me during these times felt. Everyone experiences grief differently.Without a doubt, experiencing a loss as a mother is not truly experienced until you go through it yourself. I'm sorry you had to go through such an unpleasant confrontation on that other board. People are so naive and they will never understand unless they go through it themselves.

Regne · October 2012

s0ulchicken:
I think, that until one has personally been touched by a tragedy like the loss of a child, that they are incapable of understanding.

This exactly. And I will be the first to admit that I never really got it prior to my miscarriages either.

A friend said to me the other day, after I confided to her about my losses: "Yeah I was realllly upset when the dog we were supposed to get died shortly after birth. I never met that dog, but I still felt like it was a terrible loss."

Um....whatever. I get that that is upsetting...but comments like that are proof that you just don't get it. And hopefully she will never have to.

CookieSam · October 2012

GaiaEarthMom12:
I agree with what everyone's saying about there being know way to know what it's like unless you go through it yourself. However, I do think that family members experience the loss, too. For example, my parents and brother and grandparents, etc. lost a grandchild, niece/nephew, great-grandchild, etc. It may not be totally the same kind of grief, but they grieved as well, the loss of the family member they will never know.

This is a really good point- I know my sister went through a definite "mourning period" after my 1st loss... we are very close & she was SO excited to be an aunt. She was the one who took me & my husband to the hospital when I started to miscarry. She cried with me when it happened, got me a copy of "baby dust" to help me understand my loss, and went with me to get a memorial tattoo on the day I was supposed to be due... she seemed to be the only one who understood why I was still sad after a month had passed- everyone else was "over it" and thought I should be, too.

That being said, she NEVER once compared her pain to mine. I do have a younger sister that had to have a D&C a month after mine (to remove uterine cysts) and she compared her surgery to mine the WHOLE time, and was amazed that my D&C to remove 11 wks of baby building was taking longer to heal than the 3 days it took her. She has also been ttc for a couple years & compared her pain on not being able to (which I can imagine would be very hard) to actually losing a child, which was very upsetting to me... not the same thing at all!

brooke&ryan&baby · October 2012

I definitely agree, but want to remind you that not everyone talks about a loss they may of had.

Outdoorlovinmama4 · October 2012

If anyone ever tries to compare the loss of a child or baby with the loss of say a grandparent, they just don't get it. It is not the same. I hate this line unless it is coming from another mother who has lost a child for those are the only other ones that can understand the hurt of losing your child, your future.

ShellBear+ · October 2012

I think you should never say you get it when it comes to m/c unless you have been through it. Saying you are sorry or that you can't imagine what it may be like is the more appropriate thing to say. I think your friend wasn't being very sympathetic but unfortunately people who have not been through this loss don't always know the right thing to say.

After my last loss we told the families about everything and my sil told me that she could understand what I was going through. She had been pg with twins but lost one of them at 12w and had just delivered her baby. That really ticked me off because it just wasn't the same. Yes she lost a baby and that was hard and I totally get that but she also got to bring home a baby. I was at 3 losses with nothing so it just stung.

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