gender disappointment — The Bump
2nd Trimester

gender disappointment

why is there so much intolerance to gender disappointment on this board?  I think it mostly goes without saying that people are more than grateful for a healthy baby, and aren't lamenting with the intent to insult those that had a more difficult time conceiving.  so why the huge eye rolls?
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Re: gender disappointment

  • I made a post about gender disappointment on the 1st tri board a while back and I actually got a lot of good feedback. I also got some negative ones, but for the most part everyone agreed that we all tend to have a gender that we lean towards.
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  • Probably because there are so many of them. And because a lot of people just don't get it. You know who you get pregnant that there's a 50/50 chance of either so the big shock/disappointment doesn't make much sense. Not to mention, I think it's just a weird thing to put out there on a board where so many ladies has experienced loss. Those are just my thoughts.
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  • I completely agree!  When I found out my first baby was a boy I was quite disappointed.  Of course I still felt love for him and I was beyond happy to have a healthy baby, but I did feel disappointed.  I remember my mom telling me that feelings are not wrong, they just are.  I have carried that with me ever since and I actually use it a lot in my own life and with patients at work.  Sometimes we feel sad, disappointed, angry, jealous, etc and even if those feelings are not justified, they are still there.  As long as we deal with them in an appropriate manner, everything is fine.  To deny our feelings only makes things worse.  Once I dealt with them I easily overcame them and was able to move on.  I know that my second baby is a boy and I felt disappointed again, but it wasn't nearly as intense and didn't last longer than a couple of minutes.  I think it is because I didn't have to feel guilty about the feelings themselves.  I was just able to accept my disappointment for what it is and then get past them. 
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  • image SaraRN12:
    I completely agree!  When I found out my first baby was a boy I was quite disappointed.  Of course I still felt love for him and I was beyond happy to have a healthy baby, but I did feel disappointed.  I remember my mom telling me that feelings are not wrong, they just are.  I have carried that with me ever since and I actually use it a lot in my own life and with patients at work.  Sometimes we feel sad, disappointed, angry, jealous, etc and even if those feelings are not justified, they are still there.  As long as we deal with them in an appropriate manner, everything is fine.  To deny our feelings only makes things worse.  Once I dealt with them I easily overcame them and was able to move on.  I know that my second baby is a boy and I felt disappointed again, but it wasn't nearly as intense and didn't last longer than a couple of minutes.  I think it is because I didn't have to feel guilty about the feelings themselves.  I was just able to accept my disappointment for what it is and then get past them. 

    I PM'd you 

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  • image drpayne:
    Probably because there are so many of them. And because a lot of people just don't get it. You know who you get pregnant that there's a 50/50 chance of either so the big shock/disappointment doesn't make much sense. Not to mention, I think it's just a weird thing to put out there on a board where so many ladies has experienced loss. Those are just my thoughts.

    I completely agree with this.  You know when you get pregnant you have a 50/50 chance so I don't understand the shock of it being one or the other.  I also think some people on here are rather foolish and are convinced they are having a certain sex based on old wives tales, intelligender pee tests, or random other things.  Some people are so convinced they are having a specific sex that they post an u/s picture hoping people will give them a different answer than the u/s tech (I'm estimating that we see at least one per week). 

    I think it is completely ridiculous to have extreme gender disappointment, which I consider anything beyond the thought of, "Oh bummer, I was hoping for a ____". I do not understand gender disappointment at all and could not possibly care less if I were having a boy or girl.   

    ETA: OP I forgot to mention that proper sentence structure is your friend and will make your posts easier to read in the future.  This one wasn't bad because it was only a few sentences but trying to read a long paragraph without proper sentence structure is just awful.   

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  • Because it is illogical to get your heart set on having a baby of a particular sex, when you have a 50/50 shot of a boy or a girl. It doesn't make sense to get all worked up about it, then get epically let down. 
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  • I don't think gender disappointment is wrong. Everyone is entitled to their feelings. 

    I think that people who go on and on and are all emotional about being upset about the gender of their unborn child is ridiculous.

    I've been around here for a while and I've seen dozens of posts about people saying that they don't know if they will be able to love their unborn son or daughter because it wasn't the one they wanted. THAT is when it's just too much, and you shouldn't have gotten pregnant in the first place.  

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  • I don't think it's wrong to, in your mind, answer the question of "If you could pick, would you want a boy or a girl?"  If I could have picked, I would have picked a girl and my DH felt the same.  When the u/s tech said "It's a boy."  I had a brief moment of "Aw, not getting what I would have picked."  And then it was immediately on to "Woo hoo!  A boy!"  IMO, that is normal "disappointment."  Also my opinion but the minute you feel the need to post it on a forum to vent your feelings, it's already being taken too far.  The people who make these posts tend to include really strong words, talk about being in tears, unable to get over the news, unable to comprehend life with whatever they're having and inability to get excited.  There's a LOT wrong with that.
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  • There's a difference between being a little bummed and crying so much that you upset your other children and make your SO worry about your sanity (like some people that have posted.) I get a few seconds of sadsies because I was a little sad when I found out I was having a boy but by the time I walked out of the u/s room I was beaming and so happy to see my little guy healthy and wiggling around in there. Some people don't understand at all, and some people can sympathize with a little emotion but some of the reactions are just completely overboard. I also agree with PP that since so many women have experienced losses (sometimes more than one) they can't relate to that feeling as much. 

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  • image Allycat11:

    image drpayne:
    Probably because there are so many of them. And because a lot of people just don't get it. You know who you get pregnant that there's a 50/50 chance of either so the big shock/disappointment doesn't make much sense. Not to mention, I think it's just a weird thing to put out there on a board where so many ladies has experienced loss. Those are just my thoughts.

    I completely agree with this.  You know when you get pregnant you have a 50/50 chance so I don't understand the shock of it being one or the other.  I also think some people on here are rather foolish and are convinced they are having a certain sex based on old wives tales, intelligender pee tests, or random other things.  Some people are so convinced they are having a specific sex that they post an u/s picture hoping people will give them a different answer than the u/s tech (I'm estimating that we see at least one per week). 

    I think it is completely ridiculous to have extreme gender disappointment, which I consider anything beyond the thought of, "Oh bummer, I was hoping for a ____". I do not understand gender disappointment at all and could not possibly care less if I were having a boy or girl.   

    ETA: OP I forgot to mention that proper sentence structure is your friend and will make your posts easier to read in the future.  This one wasn't bad because it was only a few sentences but trying to read a long paragraph without proper sentence structure is just awful.   

     oh nos.  you're one that's intolerant of gender disappointment and grammatical structure.

    I agree that when one is saying they aren't sure they can love their unborn child because of its sex then it's beyond ridiculous.  people actually say that ish?  I was moreso referring to those in the non extreme cases - which seem to be the moajority of these types of posts here.

    I think that just because people don't understand it, doesn't make it illegitimate.  And if you believed it to be legitimate, then you wouldn't think it ridiculous.

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  • I'm a FTM to be and we don't know the sex yet. I have always dreamed of having a little red headed girl just like me, but know the chances are 50/50 to be a girl. I wont necessarily be disappointed, but I will always want my little girl. Honestly I'm just happy to be pregnant, after trying for a while and being through an emotional roller coaster, couldn't be more thrilled. Love this baby no matter what!
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  • Uh yeah, except the ones that say they're "not grateful enough just to have a healthy baby."
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  • Well, since at my first a/s (by the way, that's what it is, not the "gender ultrasound") I found out that I was in labor already and went through all sorts of horrible things for the next two days while they tried to save my baby only to have to deliver her and watch her die in my arms, my perspective is a little different.  If I can get this baby here and he can be healthy and come home with us, I could care less if it's a girl or boy.  BTW, I am not one who makes mean comments on the posts about this.  I read a few and they made me very angry but I kept my comments to myself for the most part, so now I mostly choose not to read them anymore.
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  • There are many answers I agree with above but the entire point is that this is a public message board and just as someone can post a gender disappointment post, others can post support of that or they can post their disagreement.

    OP, I don't see a point to this post, if people don't like responses then they shouldn't post. And if you don't like others responses then maybe you shouldn't read them. 

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  • I think it is normal to feel slightly disappointed if you ended up with one gender over the other. However, It should be a fleeting thing. For me I felt a small stab of sadness when finding out we were having a boy. Why? Cuz shopping for boy clothes suck. They are boring. I got spoiled with a little girl first and am just used to going nuts in the clothes section. I love my little boy, and I am so happy that DH gets a son.

    However, the ones that b!tch and moan about it like it's the end of the freaking world are the one's that piss me off. I went through such a painful journey to get where I am, I'm just happy to be pregnant and having a healthy baby. It's just perspective to be honest. Extreme gender disappointment isn't healthy. That is just the plain truth. Being sad for a minute, that I think is ok. Not everyone deals with surprises the same way.

    Also, every time I see those posts where they have extreme gender disappointment I always get Henry VIII doing cartwheels in my head. You know he was so disappointed he divorced the first one and beheaded the second one for not giving him a son. 

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  • image drpayne:
    Probably because there are so many of them. And because a lot of people just don't get it. You know who you get pregnant that there's a 50/50 chance of either so the big shock/disappointment doesn't make much sense. Not to mention, I think it's just a weird thing to put out there on a board where so many ladies has experienced loss. Those are just my thoughts.

    By this same logic re: being sensitive to those who have experienced losses, what about being sensitive to those who have had sick babies?  I personally find it offensive when people say "I will love it either way as long as it's healthy" basically implying that those of us who's babies were born sick aren't loved?  But I don't expect that anyone will stop saying that anytime soon, nor would I ask people to.  If we had to go around stepping on eggshells for every single little sensitivity then there would be nothing said on this board.  People can choose to stay away from threads they might be emotionally sensitive to.  For the most part people on here aren't going to say something to deliberately hurt another person. 

    Regarding the original post, I have a DD and part of me is hoping for another DD.  It causes me a lot of anxiety to think about having a boy.  That doesn't mean I won't love this baby if it's a boy.  I think it's just more about dealing with the unknown.  I know it won't be that big of a deal if it happens though.

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  • LOL to the Henry VIII comment. Gender disappointment is how the Anglican church was formed, true story!

    People get upset about gender disappointment because it is absolutely 100% absurd. Period. It sounds like a whiny school girl crying over spilled milk. Get over it and move on. How could you feel disappointment when you aren't promised one gender over the other? So silly. Anyone who throws a tantrum about penises or vaginas have never been to an infant's funeral. There is more to life, people!

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  • image janecanadian:

    By this same logic re: being sensitive to those who have experienced losses, what about being sensitive to those who have had sick babies?  I personally find it offensive when people say "I will love it either way as long as it's healthy" basically implying that those of us who's babies were born sick aren't loved?  But I don't expect that anyone will stop saying that anytime soon, nor would I ask people to.  If we had to go around stepping on eggshells for every single little sensitivity then there would be nothing said on this board.  People can choose to stay away from threads they might be emotionally sensitive to.  For the most part people on here aren't going to say something to deliberately hurt another person. 

    Regarding the original post, I have a DD and part of me is hoping for another DD.  It causes me a lot of anxiety to think about having a boy.  That doesn't mean I won't love this baby if it's a boy.  I think it's just more about dealing with the unknown.  I know it won't be that big of a deal if it happens though.

    Exactly what she said. ::applauds::

    To post about gender disappointment on a loss board would be different.  This is not a loss board.

    And I'm also hoping for a girl, but also for practical reasons since we already have tons of girl stuff!  Plus I want a sister for DD because I always wanted a sister and don't have one.  My gut is saying boy (and so is DD!) so I will be a little bit sad, but whatever.  My feelings are healthy and not cry worthy or anything. 

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  • image janecanadian:

    image drpayne:
    Probably because there are so many of them. And because a lot of people just don't get it. You know who you get pregnant that there's a 50/50 chance of either so the big shock/disappointment doesn't make much sense. Not to mention, I think it's just a weird thing to put out there on a board where so many ladies has experienced loss. Those are just my thoughts.

    By this same logic re: being sensitive to those who have experienced losses, what about being sensitive to those who have had sick babies?  I personally find it offensive when people say "I will love it either way as long as it's healthy" basically implying that those of us who's babies were born sick aren't loved?  But I don't expect that anyone will stop saying that anytime soon, nor would I ask people to.  If we had to go around stepping on eggshells for every single little sensitivity then there would be nothing said on this board.  People can choose to stay away from threads they might be emotionally sensitive to.  For the most part people on here aren't going to say something to deliberately hurt another person. 

    Regarding the original post, I have a DD and part of me is hoping for another DD.  It causes me a lot of anxiety to think about having a boy.  That doesn't mean I won't love this baby if it's a boy.  I think it's just more about dealing with the unknown.  I know it won't be that big of a deal if it happens though.

    You're misconstruing the intent behind that phrase (although I don't think I"ve ever heard someone say "as long as.") They're saying that their only desire is that the baby is healthy and you can't argue that you don't wish for the same - everyone wishes for that and sadly, it's not what everyone gets.  But they are saying that the boy/girl "wish" isn't even ranking for them, just the health.

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  • image Nana_Osaki06:

    I think it is normal to feel slightly disappointed if you ended up with one gender over the other. However, It should be a fleeting thing. For me I felt a small stab of sadness when finding out we were having a boy. Why? Cuz shopping for boy clothes suck. They are boring. I got spoiled with a little girl first and am just used to going nuts in the clothes section. I love my little boy, and I am so happy that DH gets a son.

    However, the ones that b!tch and moan about it like it's the end of the freaking world are the one's that piss me off. I went through such a painful journey to get where I am, I'm just happy to be pregnant and having a healthy baby. It's just perspective to be honest. Extreme gender disappointment isn't healthy. That is just the plain truth. Being sad for a minute, that I think is ok. Not everyone deals with surprises the same way.

    Also, every time I see those posts where they have extreme gender disappointment I always get Henry VIII doing cartwheels in my head. You know he was so disappointed he divorced the first one and beheaded the second one for not giving him a son. 

    Agreed.  There are so many bigger, worse things that can happen to a person, that being upset about a baby's gender for more than a moment is just silly.  After all I have gone through (and the fact that I won't even ever have genetic children), the last thing I want to see is someone whining over girl vs. boy.  Get some frickin' perspective.

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  • image drpayne:
    Probably because there are so many of them. And because a lot of people just don't get it. You know who you get pregnant that there's a 50/50 chance of either so the big shock/disappointment doesn't make much sense. Not to mention, I think it's just a weird thing to put out there on a board where so many ladies has experienced loss. Those are just my thoughts.

    Totally agree. I think people have their heart set on something that they really have no control over and are completely devastated when they dont get their wish. Sure you want what you want, and are entitled to those feelings, but to act like your life is over bc the baby you wanted so badly is the "wrong" gender is hurtful to those who cannot have/carry/conceive a child no matter their best efforts and can make it seem like you are selfish or have entitlement issues

  • I am not bothered by gender disappointment posts that say "I was really hoping for a girl, and this is a boy, it took me a little while to get used to the idea of having a boy,"  because I get that.  If this had been a boy, it would have taken me a little while (like a few minutes) to "get over" the fact that I would never get the opportunity to be the mom of a girl as this is our last child.

    However, I am very bothered by women that are genuinely upset and thoroughly disappointed about having the opposite sex that they were hoping for.  For instance, one relative of mine, upon finding out that she was having another boy, immediately looked at her DH, all pissed-off and said "we are having a 3rd baby."  And they were still in the a/s appointment!  I thought that was just a huge over-reaction, and truly felt bad for that little boy, as if he was no longer wanted just because he had a penis.   It makes me sad.

    So, that is my take.  I also think it is because there are so many of them all the time, and it just gets old after a while. 


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  • image Bliss+Berry:
    image janecanadian:

    By this same logic re: being sensitive to those who have experienced losses, what about being sensitive to those who have had sick babies?  I personally find it offensive when people say "I will love it either way as long as it's healthy" basically implying that those of us who's babies were born sick aren't loved?  But I don't expect that anyone will stop saying that anytime soon, nor would I ask people to.  If we had to go around stepping on eggshells for every single little sensitivity then there would be nothing said on this board.  People can choose to stay away from threads they might be emotionally sensitive to.  For the most part people on here aren't going to say something to deliberately hurt another person. 


    Sorry, but this doesn't make any sense at all. People (like myself) post that they don't give a flying fig what sex their baby is, but hope that it's healthy. I don't think there is a person on earth who would hope that their baby was unhealthy. It doesn't mean that sick babies are or will be less loved.  

     

    The comment "I'll love it either way, as long as it's healthy"  literally translates to "I won't love it if it's unhealthy".  Which no one actually means when they say this, but to those of us whose babies have been born sick, it stings a bit.  Because trust me, whether your baby is a boy or a girl, sick or healthy, you will love it no matter what.  My point was more about perspective.  If I say "I am somewhat dissappointed to find out I'm having a boy", I'm not trying to hurt those how have experienced loss or miscarriage, I am simply stating my feelings.  And there's nothing wrong with it if someone feels that way.  The first time I was pregnant, I didn't have a preference one way or the other because no matter what it was all new to me.  Now that I have a girl and we would be well set up to have another girl, it causes me some anxiety to think about having a boy.  I don't think that anyone needs to not talk about or bring up their feelings for fear that someone might be hurt over it.  So do we all stop talking about becoming a mom, or how annoyed we are with our mom for fear that someone on the board who has lost their mom will be hurt? 

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  • image Bliss+Berry:
    image janecanadian:
    image Bliss+Berry:
    image janecanadian:

    By this same logic re: being sensitive to those who have experienced losses, what about being sensitive to those who have had sick babies?  I personally find it offensive when people say "I will love it either way as long as it's healthy" basically implying that those of us who's babies were born sick aren't loved?  But I don't expect that anyone will stop saying that anytime soon, nor would I ask people to.  If we had to go around stepping on eggshells for every single little sensitivity then there would be nothing said on this board.  People can choose to stay away from threads they might be emotionally sensitive to.  For the most part people on here aren't going to say something to deliberately hurt another person. 


    Sorry, but this doesn't make any sense at all. People (like myself) post that they don't give a flying fig what sex their baby is, but hope that it's healthy. I don't think there is a person on earth who would hope that their baby was unhealthy. It doesn't mean that sick babies are or will be less loved.  

     

    The comment "I'll love it either way, as long as it's healthy"  literally translates to "I won't love it if it's unhealthy".  Which no one actually means when they say this, but to those of us whose babies have been born sick, it stings a bit.  Because trust me, whether your baby is a boy or a girl, sick or healthy, you will love it no matter what.  My point was more about perspective.  If I say "I am somewhat dissappointed to find out I'm having a boy", I'm not trying to hurt those how have experienced loss or miscarriage, I am simply stating my feelings.  And there's nothing wrong with it if someone feels that way.  The first time I was pregnant, I didn't have a preference one way or the other because no matter what it was all new to me.  Now that I have a girl and we would be well set up to have another girl, it causes me some anxiety to think about having a boy.  I don't think that anyone needs to not talk about or bring up their feelings for fear that someone might be hurt over it.  So do we all stop talking about becoming a mom, or how annoyed we are with our mom for fear that someone on the board who has lost their mom will be hurt? 

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  • Yeah, the poster who said that people shouldn't post about gender disappointment because people have experienced loss on here is way off the mark.

    But if that's the case and we're going to walk on eggshells for everyone, no one should ever talk about being uncomfortable towards the end of their pregnancy because I had a preemie and didn't get to experience it.  /sarcasm 

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  • image sucrets4:

    Yeah, the poster who said that people shouldn't post about gender disappointment because people have experienced loss on here is way off the mark.

    But if that's the case and we're going to walk on eggshells for everyone, no one should ever talk about being uncomfortable towards the end of their pregnancy because I had a preemie and didn't get to experience it.  /sarcasm 

    I completely disagree. I think it sounds really selfish. How do people NOT expect a 50/50 chance of one gender or the other? It all just sounds really whiny and very uneducated, to be honest.

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  • I don't think it's wrong, but I don't think it's right. You get what you get, and either way you still have a baby.
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  • image magnoliablossom00:
    image sucrets4:

    Yeah, the poster who said that people shouldn't post about gender disappointment because people have experienced loss on here is way off the mark.

    But if that's the case and we're going to walk on eggshells for everyone, no one should ever talk about being uncomfortable towards the end of their pregnancy because I had a preemie and didn't get to experience it.  /sarcasm 

    I completely disagree. I think it sounds really selfish. How do people NOT expect a 50/50 chance of one gender or the other? It all just sounds really whiny and very uneducated, to be honest.

    Uhhh, I think most know the likelihood but hope for one or the other.

    And uneducated?  You're the exact type of person I was referring to in my OP.

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  • image BlameItOnTheRain:
    why is there so much intolerance to gender disappointment on this board?  I think it mostly goes without saying that people are more than grateful for a healthy baby, and aren't lamenting with the intent to insult those that had a more difficult time conceiving.  so why the huge eye rolls?

     

    Because I don't get the hangup on gender. Why does it matter so much? What is with the absolute NEED to know? You made another human life; boy or girl that's something to celebrate and to be proud of. And I get the small amount of disappointment but full out crying and sobbing? Dumb.

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  • For some reason people take it  personal, especially people who have been trying to conceive or have had something heartbreaking happen, I'm sure it just strikes a nerve when people have perfectly healthy babies but they "complain about the gender".

     My husband and I suffered a little gender disappointment with this one....he always wanted a boy and I always pictured myself with a son.....but it is our first and we always planned on two so there's always another shot so it isn't as bad as someone who is having their 3rd of the same gender, after wishing so much for the opposite. I'm still happy for my little girl, and especially hearing some horror stories about what other couples have gone through (including my own parents), I DID feel a little ashamed about having gender disappointment since we haven't had to deal with half the things that other people have had too...

    BabyFetus Ticker Little Riley-our first little girl coming March 1st, 2013 (or sometime around there;)
  • image BlameItOnTheRain:
    image magnoliablossom00:
    image sucrets4:

    Yeah, the poster who said that people shouldn't post about gender disappointment because people have experienced loss on here is way off the mark.

    But if that's the case and we're going to walk on eggshells for everyone, no one should ever talk about being uncomfortable towards the end of their pregnancy because I had a preemie and didn't get to experience it.  /sarcasm 

    I completely disagree. I think it sounds really selfish. How do people NOT expect a 50/50 chance of one gender or the other? It all just sounds really whiny and very uneducated, to be honest.

    Uhhh, I think most know the likelihood but hope for one or the other.

    And uneducated?  You're the exact type of person I was referring to in my OP.

    Um.... ok? Glad I met your "criteria" for people who think it's completely stupid to have gender disappointment. Yipee!

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Lilypie Second Birthday tickers
  • Um, seriously?  Because many, many women have delivered stillborn babies and cannot fathom how anyone would be "disappointed" in the gender of their baby when all they ever wanted was a baby they could bring home and love.  

    We are so thankful that our second daughter, Lillian Elizabeth "Lily", was born healthy and happy on February 11, 2013.  We love her to pieces.  

    We lost our first daughter, Hannah Grace on May 4, 2011.  She was buried on May 14 during a beautiful service at my home church. We are grateful that if she could not be here with us, that she is healed and whole with the Lord. We look forward to the day when we will get to meet her. We love her so much.


  • image sucrets4:

    Yeah, the poster who said that people shouldn't post about gender disappointment because people have experienced loss on here is way off the mark.

    But if that's the case and we're going to walk on eggshells for everyone, no one should ever talk about being uncomfortable towards the end of their pregnancy because I had a preemie and didn't get to experience it.  /sarcasm 

    I am sorry, but comparing having a preemie at 35 weeks to losing a baby is what is way off the mark.

    We are so thankful that our second daughter, Lillian Elizabeth "Lily", was born healthy and happy on February 11, 2013.  We love her to pieces.  

    We lost our first daughter, Hannah Grace on May 4, 2011.  She was buried on May 14 during a beautiful service at my home church. We are grateful that if she could not be here with us, that she is healed and whole with the Lord. We look forward to the day when we will get to meet her. We love her so much.


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