Am I over-reacting??

mcarter127 · September 2012

We lost our little boy Eli on Monday at just shy of 23 wks. Our DS1is really struggling with this loss. I contacted his pediatrician to ask for resources & book recommendations so we could make sure we were doing everything we could to help him. He had his nurse call me back & told me to Google it!!! First of all, that doesn't seem like an appropriate response in ANY situation but given what's going on you'd think he'd be a little more sensitive! I am just so mad & hurt by his response. Do you think Im over- reacting by wanting to change drs & never wanting to see him again???ing to

JonesBaby0624 · September 2012

First let me say I am so sorry you lost your Eli. ((HUGS))

Then I will say. WOW!! What an ass!! I would think he could give you some guidance since he "should" know yours son and know how he processes information. I think you should give it some time before you make a change like that. If this is a ped you have been going to for a long time it may cause added stress to your son to see a new doc. Of course, I am just speculating because I don't know your son or his age, just speaking from my experience with my son. If I may give a little advice (please forgive me if I am overstepping), I might try contacting a local grief center and see what they suggest. They may be better equipped to guide you through the process with your son. Could your dh take him to the doc, if he needs to go, until you are in a better place to make a decision?

These are just my thoughts, take them or leave them just do what is right for you!

buggirl72 · September 2012

I am so sorry for your loss of Eli.

I understand your feelings on your pediatrician. I would not want to see him either. I doctor should never tell you to "google" something. I like the PPs suggestion about contacting a grief center. Did you hospital have something in place for you? They may be able to give you some good advice right now and, if you decide to go to in-person group sessions you may be able to talk with other moms and dads that have older siblings who may be able to recommend a good ped for you.

mcarter127 · September 2012

Thank u for the responses, I appreciate the input. I am going to contact the hospital social worker on Monday to see if she has any resources we could access. Our son has special needs & his therapy center may also be able to help guide us through this. I am also going to join a local grieving parents support group so Im sure that will help. DS is just SO devastated & doesn't understand why we can't just go get Eli back. He asks me constantly if he's back in my belly & pulls up my shirt to look. We have been very careful with the words we use around him because he is on the Autism spectrum (high functioning) & takes things very literally. He must have heard dh tell someone we "lost" the baby because now he just asks to go look for him & find him. I just did not anticipate how aware he would be of everything & how much this would hurt him too. I am not going to make any huge decisions about our ped right now but I pretty much feel like he was saying he doesn't give a sh*t about our son! If he didn't know the answer then he should have looked it up instead of dumping it back onto a grieving mother. It took so much for me to even be able to make the phone call & to get that kind of response was just SO hurtful. His nurse also said DS would be just fine, lots of women go thru miscarriages & maybe we shouldn't have told him about the pregnancy! Ummmm, this was not a MISCARRIAGE!!! He was a week away from viability, he was alive & we had to make funeral arrangements! I know any loss is painful but I have gone through 7 early losses before DS & the pain does not even compare. I hope I don't offend anyone by saying that but it just really made my blood boil!

jbranden12 · September 2012

I am so sorry for your loss. I sent you a pm.

weddedwife · September 2012

I can understand why you're so upset. I don't think you're overreacting at all. Sounds like your doctor AND his nurse are oblivious. I've had people refer to my loss as a miscarriage as well and that angers me too.

The hospital social worker should be able to help. Did they send you home with any resources or info? Seems like they should've. One thing I've done post loss is find out who is in charge of what is given to baby loss parents. I wrote her a letter telling her about our experience and gave some recommendations. I do think we had a positive experience, given the situation, but I'd bet they don't get feedback in this type if situation very often and if it could be helpful for another grieving family then it would make me feel good. You might consider doing the same, especially if you weren't given any info upon discharge.

Another resource to try is a local hospice. We found a support group through ours. I know it's hard to make these phone calls but it will be worth it if you can find some support.

FWIW, we were very direct about what happened with the baby to our DD. She was 2 at the time and I knew she couldn't fully understand but we told her "the baby died, he was born too soon and he was too small to live". She asked a lot of questions, could he come home, can he walk or talk, where is he, etc. We did a lot of repeating, "No he can never come home, dead means he won't ever talk, etc." It was a horrible thing to explain to a child, but I felt like in the long run she'd have a better understanding. Big hugs, mama.

dandywarhol · September 2012

You are not overreacting. That response was inappropriate and unprofessional. I think your response to never want to see or deal with him again is understandable. Even if he didn't have any recommendations for you he should've told you that and looked into some for you.

Bayberry12 · October 2012

This is just horrible all around. After you "google" it yourself, I would send the resources to that office, they obviously need it.

I am continually amazed by the lack of compassion, understanding, professionalism, and lack of knowledge in the "medical" community regarding pregnancy/child loss.

I have had to repeat my story so many times, often while crying, to several nurses/receptions who just did not understand what the big deal is.

I really hope you can find some helpful info from the hospital.

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