how do you deal with rude comments about your loss?

jas717 · September 2012

I just miscarried last week at 6 weeks along. It started at work on tuesday, so I took the day off work wednesday. After seeing the doc, I ran to target to pick up a scrip and some pads. While at the store I ran into MIL. We had not told anyone I was expecting yet, and she of course was curious as to why I was at target in the middle of the day instead of work. So I told her that unfortunately I had been pregnant and had miscarried and decided to take the day off work. She said, "that's too bad - It must have happened because you are so stressed out all the time." I just stood there with my mouth hanging open and said I had to go, I wasn't feeling well. I didn't tell DH, and I don't want to upset him more, because he is taking the whole mc thing pretty hard too. I am just sad and pretty annoyed that someone would say that. I have a good relationship with MIL, I don't know why she would say that. I am a pretty laid back person- rarely stressed out, and certainly not under enough stress that I would cause myself to have a miscarriage.

amandapetit · September 2012

jas717:
I just miscarried last week at 6 weeks along. It started at work on tuesday, so I took the day off work wednesday. After seeing the doc, I ran to target to pick up a scrip and some pads. While at the store I ran into MIL. We had not told anyone I was expecting yet, and she of course was curious as to why I was at target in the middle of the day instead of work. So I told her that unfortunately I had been pregnant and had miscarried and decided to take the day off work. She said, "that's too bad - It must have happened because you are so stressed out all the time." I just stood there with my mouth hanging open and said I had to go, I wasn't feeling well. I didn't tell DH, and I don't want to upset him more, because he is taking the whole mc thing pretty hard too. I am just sad and pretty annoyed that someone would say that. I have a good relationship with MIL, I don't know why she would say that. I am a pretty laid back person- rarely stressed out, and certainly not under enough stress that I would cause myself to have a miscarriage.

My MIL thinks I miscarried because i was on birth control for too long. When all reality is that I have PCOS and was able to get pregnant getting off of it right away because I had a window of 2 months where my cycle was regular and I knew when I ovulated, therefore I wouldnt have to take further medication. I had a plan with my doctor and it worked. She is very anti-medicine and extremely catholic. (im catholic too but shes really religious) Its good to brush it off, I figured the people who try to empathize with us (when they dont know what we are going through) are just uneducated in this area and dont mean any harm. I also can't stand when people say "Everything happens for a reason".. If i hear that one more time!

AmeliaKris · September 2012

People just need to learn to say I'm sorry for your loss. Then they need to stop talking. Hang in there.

Laurakat81 · September 2012

That is such a hard thing to deal with. I'm so sorry she said that to you. People are just so uneducated about miscarriages. My best friends ex husband said upon finding out I was pregnant the second time, "is she going to be more careful this time?!". It's a good thing they lived out of state and he didn't say it to me!

I don't know the best answer honestly. Maybe slip her a copy of an article detailing what does and what doesn't cause a miscarriage and maybe an article on what NOT to say to someone who has had a miscarriage. She obviously is uneducated on all fronts.

For the record you are not to blame! Even if you were stressed it did not cause a miscarriage! She's an idiot!

km_md · September 2012

I am so sorry for your loss. Your MIL was extremely insensitive (and rude) with that comment. You never ever tell a woman that the miscarriage was their fault! Ever! Please just try to ignore what she said, I know it is harder said than done.

bnug · September 2012

I am so sorry for your loss...and so sorry for that awful encounter.

This is JUST MY OPINION...but I think I would have to tell my husband. I know me...I am like a tea kettle...fill me up with steam and then I blow! I would hate to keep that hurt/anger/bitterness bottled up and then blow up about it somewhere down the road...and then my husband wouldn't know why. I would also tell him because I am awful at keeping anything from him...lol...I wear eveerything on my face...and he is a PRO at reading me. Comes in handy sometimes...but also sucks real bad sometimes!

Maybe she just panicked and didn't know what to say? Open mouth....insert foot kinda moment? Jeez I hope so.

Much love to you...

purplepeanut6 · September 2012

Your lucky I wasnt there or else she would of gotten one of these:

So sorry for the obnoxious comments from people, they suck.

darjeeling · September 2012

I am so sorry for your loss. What are the odds that you would run into your MIL at Target on that day! And then for her to be so insensitive and thoughtless. That sounds just awful. It sounds like you handled it pretty well, I mean, I might have started bawling or been tempted to say something rude.

Just me, but I agree with a PP, I would tell DH if something like that happened. Or at least that you saw her and she now knows about the mc. But if you're over her comment I can see why you wouldn't want to bring it up again. Ugh.

And of course don't take anything she said to heart, that is so brainless. Like LauraKat said, some people are just so uneducated about these things. No one has said anything that bad to me, but right after it happened my own Mom said to me over the phone, "Well, you two will just have to try harder!" She said this in a buck-up kind of way, and didn't mean it badly but I definitely inwardly winced a bit when she said that. I totally let it slide.

I hope you feel better soon! ((((big hugs))))

mhubbar5 · September 2012

after my mmc, and before my D&C I worked for a few days. I had a coworker tell me it was because I had been drinking coke. I just sat there, I didn't even know what to say. I am still carrying my baby inside me, just trying to make it through the day, and I am being blamed?? And they don't even think they are being rude!! It sucks, and that wasn't even the worse thing that was said to me through the whole process either. I hated being around people for a long time after because I just didn't want to hear what they had to say to me anymore.

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