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Baby Showers
markhamgurl
member
SIL wants to throw shower .. what's okay?
markhamgurl
member
in Baby Showers
My SIL is very excited to be a first-time aunt, and has already indicated she's looking forward to throwing a baby shower for me. Nice, right?
History:
We've had a very strained relationship in the past that we finally had a very honest talk about earlier this year, and since then we've both been trying to make an effort around each other so things aren't as awkward. I think it's so nice she wants to host a shower, but it makes me a tiny bit uncomfortable, just because we're not especially close. I know, based upon conversations she's had with my DH (her brother) that she's hoping this baby helps bring us all together even more, so it makes sense that she'd want to be so involved in something as pivotal as a baby shower for the aforementioned baby.
Now:
I feel compelled to offer to help her with the hosting duties, firstly because I feel like this shower is already a burden to her (although she's not said or done anything to indicate there's any truth to that) and I feel badly about all the work involved for someone who's not - in the past - really cared to know me. Secondly, I really want the shower to be a little different in that I want the attendees to have a really great time, and not have it be all about me opening gifts (just the thought of sitting in front of a room of women while they watch me open their gifts makes me squirm, lol). I also don't feel okay about the SIL fronting the cost of the party (food, prizes, etc.) because I know how she can be about money. She's quite frugal - which is fine b/c I am too - but she can be quite vocal about it sometimes, and I'd hate to think she was complaining about the cost of it all behind my back 
Question:
Is it normal to feel this way? Is there some way I can approach this with the SIL to ensure that I end-up with a shower I feel comfortable attending (and that I know people will have a really good time at) without stepping on any toes and (potentially) depriving her of the fun of hosting? I'd also like to ask that registry info not be included in the invites, which is something else I need to bring up. So yeah, there are a lot of requests on my part, lol. You ladies are all pretty clever at navigating awkward situations like this and I'd really appreciate some advice!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: SIL wants to throw shower .. what's okay?
I think it is sweet that she wants to host a shower and get closer to you.
However, you can choose to accept her offer and provide input only when asked, or you decline. You can't say "Yes, but...." Your primary input is on the guest list after she lets you know how many she can accomodate.
Maybe you just limit her shower to family only. Or even family on DH's side only.
I feel you - my SIL weren't especially close, no bad blood or anything, just not super close. She's pretty shy and I'm pretty outgoing and bubbly. She had a baby last year and I offered to host a shower for her. Turned out that the process of planning the shower really brought us closer together. I included her in some things, asked her opinion, etc. I even found a shower game that was totally inappropriate for our family and sent her the link for a laugh. We have a much better relationship now, but part of that is me being a pretty darn good aunt to my nephew. When DH and I shared that I am pregnant, she jumped at the chance to host a shower for me. Her planning a shower might bring you two closer together.
My thought is that she co-host it with someone. I know it's rude for you to ask someone to co-host with her, but if another family member or one of your friends offers, it might not be a bad idea for her to have someone to share the expense and the responsibility.
Clearly your SIL is making a real attempt, so let her host. DO NOT offer to "co host" because you think it's a burden - which you fully admit she's given NO indication of.
You're the guest of honor - sit back and let her be the host. If she asks for input, you can give some. But.... tread carefully. This party IS her gift to you. Not your event to pull the puppet strings from behind the curtain.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Just to shed some light on what some people might think is a bizarre statement to make (above): I went to two bridal showers (of a total of four that were hosted) for this particular SIL, and unfortunately, both of them were incredibly boring and absolutely epitomized what a shower shouldn't be. Everyone sat around in a big circle and made awkward small talk for two hours leading up to the main (and only) event which was watch the bride-to-be open her gifts. And that was the bridal shower in a nutshell.
I think I just get a bit panicked to imagine friends and family showing up for a baby shower and having the same crap experience! I really want to be able to express how grateful I am to have their support and that I appreciate them taking the time out of their lives to participate!
Good point. There were some great suggestions in one of the other threads on here about offering to provide the favours for the guests, as well as getting a gift for the hostess to thank her for all her hard work .. perhaps I'll focus on doing that instead of trying to influence all the aspects of this shower.
Thanks for the opinions thus far, ladies!
I think there were 2 issues that contributed:
1- we were literally in one big circle. I think people felt too visible so they didn't talk. I like more of a "layered" seating, if that can be done.
2- this was the big one - there was no background music! It was SOOOOOO quiet that no one wanted to be "that person" who talked because everyone would hear what they said.
Most other showers, there is conversation, people feel they can get up an dmove around, etc. Maybe, at a minimum, just show up early and help her set up - and bring a CD to play and kind of guide the set up so that it lends to people comfortably getting up if they wantk,etc.
Oh, and maybe take a break part way into the gift opening for cake. Not a long break- but long enough for people to get cake then sit back down and you can continue. If they are eating, and if there is more food- that might get people talking/moving around.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I think your SIL has good intentions. But if you have a friend offer to throw you a shower than talk to your SIL and see if she'd like the help.
IMO you should not offer to help the host. If she asks for opinions you can give input. But, don't go to her-let her start the conversation.
A-W-K-W-A-R-D! And yes her two bridal showers were JUST like that .. I wanted to crawl out of my skin - it was that uncomfortable, lol.
Love your suggestions to keep people moving and talking, though. I think there will be people from a few different "circles" in attendance and I know how nerve-wracking it can be to find yourself in a situation where you don't know many (or any) of the other attendees. Will definitely "break" for cake, haha.
You are lucky that the two of you had a chance to discuss it and move on past it. It takes a lot to move forward and this is probably monumentally hard for her and she is doing it to make up for lost time. Please Please PLEASE do not scare her away or decline but have another open conversation with her yourself and talk about how you've pictured the party going and tell her you'd like to plan it together and share the cost so you can spend more time with her and get to know each other better. The items that you are worried about I would not see as a major issues - she should be fine with those guidelines (I think any normal person would be).
I have a very strained relationship with SIL (DH's Bro's Wife) and she also has a strained relationship with MIL (Who I get along with GREAT)... We've pretty much boiled it down to "she has issues." so I know how this can be a bit nervewracking. I've been trying hard for the last 2 years sending b-day/anniversary/etc cards, inviting them over/out, trying to get together but to no avail.
She wouldn't even attend the family BBQ we hosted and announced our pregnancy at (MIL knew ahead of time and tried to get the to come - so did an aunt and they didn't even have any other plans). It would have been nice if they at least stopped by for an hour and BIL refuses to attend anything without her (he has no balls). Then they had the nerve to be upset with not only us but my MIL/FIL for not telling them we were having a baby (another family member told them).
Apparantly she is holding grudges from YEARS ago for stuff that happened as teenagers. Also because she wasn't invited in the limo-bus at our wedding or to my bachelorette party (I have a good friend who she doesn't get along with that was going to be there and thought she would be uncomfortable). But forget the fact that they left our rehearsal dinner before desert or the fact that they left our wedding at 9:30 (it went until 11:30).
Why I share so much about me? Because I really hope you see that you really are lucky to have someone willing to move forward with a relationship- TAKE ADVANTAGE OF IT!
Absolutely, I think she's hoping to really turn things around in the next few months, and I respect her for that. In the past, she never made much of an effort to be a very pleasant person around her own family (never mind me, who to her, was of no consequence at ALL) and I've noticed a complete attitude readjustment this year.
Sorry to hear that you're going through something similar. No kidding your SIL has "issues" ... I guess nobody is really close enough to her to suggest therapy or seeing a family doctor? I know my SIL deals with anxiety and depression and is now on medication for it. I wonder if yours is anything like that?
I say all that, but my brother has similar "issues" and is very difficult to deal with. He's helped me realize that just because you make the effort to openly communicate with someone you've had issues with in the past, it doesn't mean they're going to react the way you had hoped, or even respond. Sigh. Family, eh?
Anyway, back to the baby shower! I'm feeling pretty confident about the thought of just making the effort to be supportive and excited, and will be sure to offer my help in the event she finds it overwhelming. Ok, I feel better now!
Im very close to the person throwing my shower and I still feel guilty she has to do all the work and pay for it. That said, the only way to go is to be gracious and let her do it. Your help isn't really appropriate.
Im totally with you on not opening the gifts. I dont know what will happen at my shower because Im leaving that up to the host but I find it incredibly boring to watch anyone open gifts.
The best way I've seen this done (and this didn't occur to me until I read your post) was to play Bingo with the gifts. If you're not familiar, everyone gets a piece of paper printed with an empty Bingo card (ie. empty squares), and fills in what they think the recipient will get from other gift-givers, then marks those boxes off if or when those gifts are unwrapped. The winner(s) get a prize. I've only seen it done once or twice, but it got everyone involved and was MUCH more entertaining than just watching gifts being opened (snore!). And people generally tended to be a bit chattier due to the excitement of playing and having something to do.
I just picked-up a proper Baby Shower Bingo GAME for crying out loud (*facepalm*) at Chapters because it was on clearance for $2. As IF I didn't think of that before now. Yeah, I DEFINITELY don't have baby brain yet (*insert massive eyeroll here*).
First response is "Ha! I wish!" but second - it is true, everyone goes through their own things and we never really know what someone else might be dealing with... so until then. I just continue to send the nicest cards I can find.
So glad that you are going to work together on it! I really think that the two of you will start bonding and once the baby comes there is so much joy that she can't help but be around! I think the best thing to tell her is not that you want to just help her with the shower, but that you really want to spend the time with her and would love to help get things done!