This has been bugging me

xxbabycakesxx · September 2012

On my other BMB (I just lurk) there was a post asking if DH gets up during the night to help with LO. Almost all the replies said something like "Well, since DH is the only one who works, I let him sleep and I take care of LO."

I don't know why but those responses are bugging me. DH works during the day but still gets up with me through the night to help with Bishop. I get that they want their DHs to be well rested for work but, personally, I feel that I'm doing a job as well even if I'm not actually leaving the house. I mean, I take care of a toddler and newborn by myself for 9 hours of the day. At least once a day I'm wishing I were at my normal job than at home with them. And I'm not saying DH has it easier or I have it easier. I think we both have it equally as hard. Therefore, I feel like we both should equally share the responsibilities of our kids (and both be zombies).

And if thats all of their arrangements with their DHs, then good for them but I kinda feel like a b!tch now that I know (maybe) most moms are letting their DHs STTN. Anyway, what did your DHs do at night? Or what are you doing now (if you have a newborn)?

JLSmith124 · September 2012

With our first, I did most of the work because I was BFing. With our second, he was a much harder baby between reflux and milk allergy issues. DH shared the sleepless nights with me and would get up to make bottles while I changed his diapers after he was switched to Alimentum. We are both planning on having many sleepless nights once this LO arrives. Aaron still doesn't sleep well, so I imagine DH will be on Aaron duty while I take care of the new LO.

jessrenee11 · September 2012

We alternated every other night. We would sometimes switch nights if someone had to get up early or need extra sleep but we always shared the responsablity. I know other moms that tell me they are the only ones that get up because "DH doesn't hear them" um yeah thats crap! I would wake DH up if it was his turn. I agree with you that reguardless who stays at home or who works out side the home its still work and I think its both parents reaponsabilty to take care of the child

Eta: I pumped for this very reason so that DH could help with night time or when I BF DH would get up change her diaper etc

bumpuser260585 · September 2012

When J was little, dh would get up change his diaper while I made the bottle or vise versa. Usually I would stay up to feed him and dh would go back to bed. After I went back to work, we would take turns.

xxbabycakesxx · September 2012

JLSmith124:
With our first, I did most of the work because I was BFing. With our second, he was a much harder baby between reflux and milk allergy issues. DH shared the sleepless nights with me and would get up to make bottles while I changed his diapers after he was switched to Alimentum. We are both planning on having many sleepless nights once this LO arrives. Aaron still doesn't sleep well, so I imagine DH will be on Aaron duty while I take care of the new LO.

Yea, I guess I have to take into consideration how those moms are feeding their LOs. Some of them said they were BF'ing so there was no point in DH getting up. But honestly when I was BF'ing, I'd still make DH get up to change diapers and sometimes burp LO. Ughhh maybe I am a b!tch! lol.

And I guess it might also depend on how many LOs they have. To each their own!

xxbabycakesxx · September 2012

jessrenee11:
We alternated every other night. We would sometimes switch nights if someone had to get up early or need extra sleep but we always shared the responsablity. I know other moms that tell me they are the only ones that get up because "DH doesn't hear them" um yeah thats crap! I would wake DH up if it was his turn. I agree with you that reguardless who stays at home or who works out side the home its still work and I think its both parents reaponsabilty to take care of the child Eta: I pumped for this very reason so that DH could help with night time or when I BF DH would get up change her diaper etc

Oh I totally swat at DH if he doesn't hear B cry lol.

jessrenee11 · September 2012

xxbabycakesxx:
jessrenee11:
We alternated every other night. We would sometimes switch nights if someone had to get up early or need extra sleep but we always shared the responsablity. I know other moms that tell me they are the only ones that get up because "DH doesn't hear them" um yeah thats crap! I would wake DH up if it was his turn. I agree with you that reguardless who stays at home or who works out side the home its still work and I think its both parents reaponsabilty to take care of the child

Eta: I pumped for this very reason so that DH could help with night time or when I BF DH would get up change her diaper etc
Oh I totally swat at DH if he doesn't hear B cry lol. 

I have even resorted to a wet willy to the ear ;

Cheekers2010 · September 2012

Yeah, when G was a newborn, I had DH change his diaper before I bf him. As he got older and I was just bf'ing and not having to change diapers, etc, I'm the only one who got up. Unfortunately G would never take a bottle. But we definitely shared duties when he was a newbie.

jillybean800 · September 2012

Let's see...it used to change from month to month (or even week to week)

At first, I did most of it at night because I was breastfeeding. Also, I was home during the day and I used to be actually able to sleep while the baby slept. So that probably accounted for why I was up more at night at first.

For the first 2 weeks, though, we both got up to change diapers and burp, etc, because we were both so inexperienced! But as soon as he was on bottles, we alternated feedings, then as soon as he was only up once a night, we alternated nights on and off.

I have a feeling this time will be more balanced because there is no way I am going to be able to sleep while the baby sleeps this time around! And I know my H will know that. He picks up my slack when he gets home, cooking dinner and taking care of A. So we will probably come to an agreement when the time comes.

amberleeb · September 2012

I do all the getting up. DH is in grad school and gets up at 5:30am and does not get home until 7pm so he needs to get some sleep. I am EBF so there is no point for him to get up. Lydia only wakes once during the night and it has been like that since she was 2 weeks old so it is not a big deal at all. I stopped changing her during the night a about a month ago because she was never that wet. She sleeps from 8:30 pm to 4 am then wakes for the day around 8. Heck half the time while she is eating I fall asleep in the rocker and wake up hours later boob hanging out and baby sleeping, LOL!

[Deleted User] · September 2012

Unless DH was out of town for work, or had a huge project going on, we shared night time baby duty. I mean, we are both the parents & we are both responsible. At first, we had a really hard time because P wouldn't latch but couldn't use a bottle either & we had to finger feed her with a syringe. That was a 2 person job. When she got older & could take a bottle, we still split.

I can totally see why that would bug you! I would have a hard time not saying something. It isn't fair to be exhausted trying to take care of kids either!!!

enjoylife · September 2012

With A we were both up during the night even though we ebf'd. Dh had diaper duty and occasionally had to burp A since I wasn't so great with getting a burp out.
With J granted we are only in a few days we both for the most part still get up. Dh does diaper duty and then goes back to sleep while I feed J. Occasionally I wake first and just change and feed J on my own but Dh has been taking care of entertaining A on his time off and letting me nap or sleep in with J so for us it's an equal trade.
To each their own but I have seen the posts where the moms are doing it all on their own so their H's can sttn and I agree with you that both parents should share on zombie traits until LO sttn.

TripMomma · September 2012

With the triplets we both got up for every feeding and diaper change. When they were around 5 months I started letting him sleep more and only got him up to help every other time. He was new to his job when they were born, so he didn't get to take any time off at all. He didn't give me any grief about getting up to help though. With Jericho he did take a week off and would help me, but I was breast feeding so he would do the diaper change then hand him to me and go back to sleep. After a little while I just took it all over and only asked him for help if I was extra tired or cranky LOL.

smithpaint · September 2012

For me, my kids started STTN around 4 months. I BF as well. DH would get up and help me maybe once a night for the first 6 weeks. I would let him know if I needed him. After that it was my responsibility mostly because of BFing.

Now that they are all older - if a child gets up at night it's 50/50 on who deals with it.

kj07 · September 2012

H and I shared nighttime responsibilities. As someone already said, we're both parents. I ebf, so I got up for all the nighttime feedings. However DH was responsible for diaper changes and getting B back to sleep. DH was also responsible for the first try for non-bf related wakings. That way, B got used to going back to sleep without smelling me or my milk and so he wasn't always thinking about nursing to sleep.

pitterpatter129 · September 2012

When DH was the only one working during maternity leave or summer vacation when I'm off, I tend to let him sleep more often, but when I'm back at work too, I totally wake him up. I guess I just feel guilty knowing I can nap with the baby while he's at work. With #2 on the way, it won't be like that though. If I'm up with two kids, then hell has frozen over. I will need help and he will be woken.

I guess I should add that Nate was exclusively breastfed too though. So there wasn't really anything DH could do if I woke him up. Now, I'll take care of bfing #2, but if Nate gets up or needs something, then he'll be DH's responsibility.

xxbabycakesxx · September 2012

amberleeb:
;Heck half the time while she is eating I fall asleep in the rocker and wake up hours later boob hanging out and baby sleeping, LOL! nbsp;

Lmao thats hilarious!

xxbabycakesxx · September 2012

sofamonkey:
Unless DH was out of town for work, or had a huge project going on, we shared night time baby duty.nbsp; I mean, we are both the parents amp; we are both responsible. At first, we had a really hard time because P wouldn't latch but couldn't use a bottle either amp; we had to finger feed her with a syringe.nbsp; That was a 2 person job.nbsp; When she got older amp; could take a bottle, we still split. nbsp;nbsp; I can totally see why that would bug you!nbsp; I would have a hard time not saying something. nbsp; It isn't fair to be exhausted trying to take care of kids either!!!

I hate when people say "DH helps with the kids" like moms are supposed to take on most of the work and dads just "help" here and there. He shouldn't be helping, he should be taking on half the responsibilities. I don't know. Just another pet peeve of mine.

xxbabycakesxx · September 2012

mands629:
I'm going to admit it my H literally does not hear anything at night, baby related or not.nbsp; Like last night, he was screaming in my ear... I think he was yelling out coaching plays.nbsp; I hit him, pushed him, did everything I could think of to make him stop.nbsp; He remembered none of this this morning.Anyways, I was always up with Lulu, especially because I EBF.nbsp; But, there were times in the beginning that he would wake up with me and try to help.nbsp; Now, I'm always the one that gets up with her, not because he won't, but because if he does go in there, she screams bloody murder and it's even harder to get her to calm down.nbsp; She suffers from nightmares.nbsp; This is going to change once Turtle comes.nbsp; There's no way I can deal with a toddler who wakes up multiple times a night and a newborn.nbsp; So, unless he learns to lactate, he gets the Lulu wake ups.

Omg I would've been terrified if DH just started screaming nonsense in the middle of the night lol.

And I'd love to know if your DH learns to lactate lol. Mothers everywhere would love you!

xxbabycakesxx · September 2012

pitterpatter129:
When DH was the only one working during maternity leave or summer vacation when I'm off, I tend to let him sleep more often, but when I'm back at work too, I totally wake him up.nbsp; I guess I just feel guilty knowing I can nap with the baby while he's at work.nbsp; With 2 on the way, it won't be like that though.nbsp; If I'm up with two kids, then hell has frozen over.nbsp; :Dnbsp;nbsp; I will need help and he will be woken.
I guess I should add that Nate was exclusively breastfed too though.nbsp; So there wasn't really anything DH could do if I woke him up.nbsp; Now, I'll take care of bfing 2, but if Nate gets up or needs something, then he'll be DH's responsibility.
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nbsp;
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Yea, when Griff was a newborn DH and I had a different schedule/arrangement since most days I could nap when Griff did. But now with 2 kids, I don't think I've ever napped during the day.

PGASTL · September 2012

I'm one of the ones whose DH did not help at all with nighttime stuff. He has gotten up in the middle of the night maybe 5 times since she's been born.

I breastfed for 14 months (although her last night feeding was about 9 months), so I didn't really see the point in both of us being awake when the non BFing stuff took all of 2 minutes. Also, DH was studying for a huge exam - a culmination of 3 years of studying - so between that and his work, I handled the nighttime stuff.

For a variety of reasons, it just made sense for us.

Ltlsktl30 · September 2012

I get up with K only and don't see a reason for him to get up. She nurses about 10 mins once during the night nd then *most* of the time it is back to sleep.

If i have a rough night and dh doesnt have to get up for work, he will let me sleep in.

dh works hard for me to be able to stay home with the kids..so i dont make him get up. if i need an extra boost during the day, i will nap when the kids do.

jnicolen1 · September 2012

xxbabycakesxx:
pitterpatter129:
When DH was the only one working during maternity leave or summer vacation when I'm off, I tend to let him sleep more often, but when I'm back at work too, I totally wake him up.nbsp; I guess I just feel guilty knowing I can nap with the baby while he's at work.nbsp; With 2 on the way, it won't be like that though.nbsp; If I'm up with two kids, then hell has frozen over.nbsp; :Dnbsp;nbsp; I will need help and he will be woken.
I guess I should add that Nate was exclusively breastfed too though.nbsp; So there wasn't really anything DH could do if I woke him up.nbsp; Now, I'll take care of bfing 2, but if Nate gets up or needs something, then he'll be DH's responsibility.
nbsp;
nbsp;
nbsp;
nbsp;
nbsp;

Yea, when Griff was a newborn DH and I had a different schedule/arrangement since most days I could nap when Griff did. But now with 2 kids, I don't think I've ever napped during the day.

Yep, with 2 kids I don't nap OR shower. I'm lucky if I brush my teeth before noon. Dh and I share most of the responsibilities when he's home. If they both need tending to, he usually opts for the older child.

missmuffin87 · September 2012

We kept the PnP at the foot of our bed so we could both easily reach hazel in the middle of the night without getting out of bed. Most of the time we both woke up just from hearing her, but it's hard to remember because I'm pretty sure I was sleep feeding and diaper changing.

OhSewCrafty · September 2012

With C, I let DH sleep and I got up with him for most of my mat leave. The reasons were that I was BF and would need to get up to pump anyway and DH was working full time AND taking 12 graduate credits. He was gone all day and most of the night, but only for the first 6 weeks or so (when C was still supposed to be in my tummy!!) Once he finished classes and went to student teaching and not working as much, he helped out a lot more. It was a joint decision to do things that way. We were both exhausted and ended up getting the same amount of sleep. Him at night and me throughout the day and night in smaller spurts.

watermellens · September 2012

i think my feelings are going to change...last time with DS, I felt like it was silly to make DH get up. He was going to work and I was nursing, so there was nothing he could do anyways. Sure, he could change his diaper, but if I was up to nurse, why wake him up to change a diaper. Besides, I could nap when DS napped. I also had a relatively "easy baby."

This time around though, I'm not sure what to think! Hopefully the new LO will be nursing (that's the plan anyways) and DS had better be sleeping well!!! Hahaha he always has so he'd better not pick when the little one is born to stop doing that.

DS will go to day care 2x a week and be home the other 5 days. So I'm not sure...I still think it would be silly for DH to get up though because again, I'll be nursing, so what will he be getting up to do? It will definitely be tougher with a toddler to look after and I can see that I'll be much more tired.

Strunella · September 2012

While I was home for maternity leave, I would get up to BF and let DH sleep during the work week. Though I think both jobs are equally important (parenting at home and going to the office), to me, there is something different about having to concentrate and be "on" all day while at work. But come the weekend, it was DH's turn to step up. He would get up to change DS' diaper and then bring him to me to nurse. By the time I went back to work at 13 weeks, DS was STTN, so it wasn't really an issue for us.

chickaboo1974 · September 2012

I took care of both the boys by myself at night- I still do if they are sick. While I do believe I needed to get up with them since my DH worked outside the home- after all I did get to nap if I needed to or could. If we had another now, I would still do the work- my guys are dependable at taking a 3 hour afternoon nap- if I could nap I would then.

bosha711 · September 2012

I read a lot of similar comments on my other bmb, too.

With DS, we'd both get up with DS. We were both learning so it took both of us to do a diaper change, which usually required an outfit change, too.

After 2 weeks & MH returned to work, I found my groove & I was EBFing anyway, so I was the one who solely did nighttime feedings.

If I needed MH to get up, he would without question & I certainly never felt bad about it!! I agree about it all being 50/50 regardless of the work/stay home situation.

Up till at least 12 months, I was still nursing DS once in the middle of the night.

Now, MH gets up with DS every morning, even on weekends. DS wakes up as early as 5:30 AM. I get up at 7:30 ish.

Rink08 · September 2012

We're one of those couples where DH never gets up if it is before work. He works swing shift so half of the time he sleeps in the day and half of the time he sleeps at night. He does get a seven day break every month and will get up with the older kids if they wake up then. He doesn't really do much with DS3 yet but he was the same way with the other two when they were babies.
There have been times when it was an issue for us but for the most part it works for us and I let him know now when it isn't and we figure something out. He can't be tired for his job so in the past, he or I have arranged a sitter during the day so that I could nap. We haven't done this since having DS3, but I'm sure that I will at some point.

Sonadora · September 2012

I saw no point in H getting up when I was ebf. He couldn't do anything to help so why interrupt his sleep for no reason and have him be a wreck at work? I really needed him to take over when he got home from work because I was a hot mess with a refluxy, colicy, non-sleeping ever baby. So at least if he got sleep at night he could take over fully from me after he got home so I could at least nap for a little while before facing another nightmare of a night.

He started getting up around 6 months when we first sleep trained because if I went in she smelled milk and that was the end of that. He bore most of the sleep training burden, which we ended up doing 3 times between 6 months and 12 months.

xxbabycakesxx · September 2012

justbeachy109:
I BF'd for six months so DH would get up and bring her to me. He actually did most of the waking up at night because I suck at being able to fall back asleep whereas he can sleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.nbsp;

Ugh DH falls asleep right away too and it'll take me at least half an hour. DHs snoring doesn't help either.

xxbabycakesxx · September 2012

chickaboo1974:
I took care of both the boys by myself at night I still do if they are sick.nbsp; While I do believe I needed to get up with them since my DH worked outside the home after all I did get to nap if I needed to or could.nbsp;If we had another now, I would still do the work my guys are dependable at taking a 3 hour afternoon nap if I could nap I would then.

Omg if I had twins I'm pretty sure I'd need DHs help at night. Kudos to you! Did they usually wake up at the same time?

For me when it was just Griff, I wasn't guaranteed a daytime nap. It was hit and miss. And definitely no naps for me now. Boourns.

xxbabycakesxx · September 2012

Strunella:
While I was home for maternity leave, I would get up to BF and let DH sleep during the work week.nbsp; Though I think bothnbsp;jobs are equallynbsp;important parenting at home and going to the office, to me, there is something different about having to concentrate and be "on" all day while at work.nbsp; But come the weekend, it was DH's turn to step up.nbsp; He would get up to change DS' diaper and then bring him to me to nurse.nbsp;nbsp; By the time I went back to work at 13 weeks, DS was STTN, so it wasn't really an issue for us.

I get what you mean about being "on" while at work but it just doesn't seem fair to me. Its hard for me to function when I get absolutely no sleep at night so when DH helps me, things go a lot faster. Maybe this all also depends on what type if work our DHs do?

lrn327 · September 2012

I BF'd for 15 months and DH almost always was the one to get up and bring C to me. He slept while I nursed and then he'd take C back. If C was/is having trouble sleeping then we swapped or both of us got up if it was bad. We both work FT but even if I stayed home, I'm pretty sure he'd still help at night.

CeeD2012 · September 2012

I took care of DD for two reasons.. DH is deaf and he's a heavy sleeper, an earthquake wouldn't wake that man up!

Prior to the birth of DD, he and I both talked about how he wanted to help out during the night. The first night home with baby, he slept by the bassinet hoping he would hear her cry so he could hand her to me. Needless to say, DD began to cry and I ended up having to climb over top of hubby to get to her because he couldn't even hear her right beside him. She is almost 2 now, just transitioned into a toddler bed and is having a hard time adjusting. She is getting up once or twice every night and I'm still getting up with her.

I'm honestly not quite sure what to do about our situation considering DH does have hearing issues.. but I know I will need his help once our new LO arrives, especially if DD is still having issues sleeping once little sis makes her debut.

lulu8109 · September 2012

When DH was home for paternity leave (first two weeks), we both got up in the middle of the night. We were still figuring things out and really needed each other's help. After DH went back to work, I took over night duty. DH would often take either the first late night feeding (like 1 or 2 am), then sleep the rest of the night or he would go to bed like normal and wake up for the early morning feeding (like 5 am) before he had to get ready for work. I wanted him to get rest before having to go to work. When I went back to work, we took turns.

It might be different next time around though.

shaw · September 2012

When we were both on leave my H would take the 10-3 nighttime duty. He would just stay up until 3 while I slept. Then I was on duty the rest of the night. Once we were back at work, I ended up doing all of the night time wake-ups. I have much more patience. I would get pissed but if my H got up he was useless

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