Advice needed pls! — The Bump
Dads & Dads-to-be

Advice needed pls!

Hello Guys,

               I need advice from a male pov. I?m sorry this is gonna be a bit long but I want to give the back story. I met DH thru a friend in Dec 08. At the time I was trying to get out of a rough relationship and he was a very good friend even though I lived in Cali and he lived in NY. I knew pretty quickly that he and I would be married one day. It took me a few months to get my ex to leave me alone but finally in March of 09 I flew out to NY to meet him in person. I stayed for two weeks and it was great. We did the back & forth thing for another month before we decided he would just move out here and we would get married. I should also add that DH is younger than me by almost 8yrs. Idk until after id already fallen in love because he just seemed so mature. Anyway we said we would stay in Cali for 2-3yrs then move back to NY and start having babies.

               We both thought (naively) that he would have no prob getting a job out here. I have never actually searched for a job so idk how it would be. He tried for the whole first year. He had many interviews. No one would hire him. He got told quite a few times that since he had no work history here in Cali that no one wanted to be the 1st to take the risk. He was always VERY outgoing and funny but as the year went on I saw him getting depressed. His savings ran out and he got more miserable. He stopped leaving the house and just gave up. Then I found out I was pregnant. One of the 1st things he said was ?now were never going back to NY?. I told him to stop looking for a job because my pregnancy was very hard and I wanted him to take care of me. He said ok but I knew he wasn?t all that happy because he felt like a burden.

               Then our daughter was born. It was a hard adjustment. I was lucky to be able to stay home for almost 9mo. He looked for a job but in the end he would be working just to pay for DC so we ?agreed? he should just stay home with our DD. His depression has gotten worse. He is good with DD but when I get home from work he checks out. All he does is play video games w/his NY buddies while I go out w/DD alone. I have tried pleading with him. Begging him to do things with us. I have even told him if he wants to work then we will put her in DC. I will pretty much do anything in the hopes that he will get better. I just want him to be his old self. He says he doesn?t know who he is because he has never been depressed before but he just cant get out of the hole. He says he isn?t happy but then he rejects everything I offer and refuses to do anything to change?he doesn?t want to take meds?he doesn?t believe in counseling?he wont even get off the couch.

               I am at my breaking point. Our DD is getting older and I don?t want her to know her Daddy as this person. Idk what to do anymore.  Maybe im just not seeing something from a guys side of things? Id appreciate any advice?hopefully I don?t get flamed?oh and for the record I don?t think hes cheating because I would leave if that?s what I thought.

TIA. Sorry its so long!

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Re: Advice needed pls!

  • Gender roles in America....such a shame that they put so much pressure on us for no reason. This is a textbook example of how a man reacts when he is struggling with his identity, as I am certain I would be as well, initially.

    But being a SAHD is as difficult as any job I can think of. Whenever I think I would be better off being a SAHD my wife seems to call me at that moment and I am reminded that her role at home taking care of the baby is nightmarish compared to my meetings and working on my PC while I surf the web at the same time.

    There is no shame in being an SAHD. I have friends who are doing that currently, and they really embrace the role that they have within their family. The kids are much closer to him as a result, and he is completely in tune with every detail of their lives. Yes, his schedule is hectic, and it seems that it never ends, but he takes great pride in what he is doing in terms of managing his household.

    You have to really start holding him accountable for what his current attitude is making him do. Right now, between work and coming home to take care of the squirt, I am lucky if I get a 1/2 hour of my PS3. Him just laying around and playing vids when you get home is unacceptable, and needs to be addressed ASAP. It borders on bad parenting, and is certainly an inattentive approach at a minimum. His responsibility is to his family, not his video games and his gamer buddies.

    If he is to the point that it has become a physical illness, he needs to get help as soon as he can get it. Not getting help is like signing away your relationship. If he is clinical, nothing you, or him for that matter, does will heal him.  That is what a doctor is for.  If he is ill, and he does not get help with the support of his family,it will only be a matter of time before you no longer have a family.

    If he is just being slothy, time to start acting like every wife I know and nip that in the bud ASAP. My first move would be to talk about the need for medical attention if it is so overwhelming for him.

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  • Thanks guys.

    We are lucky in the sense that I have a great job that pays well enough that we can have our bills paid and still have a little left over. I, myself, have dealt with depression for most of my life. It weird for me to be on the other end of the spectrum but I dont really have a choice. I dont have the luxury to lay in bed all day. I have told him repeatedly that his job as a SAHD is WAY harder than what i do and that he either needs to commit to being in that role and just being happy OR he needs to decide that he wants to work and she will go to DC. All he says is "Idk what to do".

       He likes golf. Theres a course thats amazing by us. I have offered him clubs plus tried to get him to go a few days a week if he wants and he said no. He has gained weight...I offered a gym membership. He said no. The main issue with him not wanting to do anything hobby wise is he doesnt want me spending any $ on him. In the whole time we have been together he still wont even say what he would like from the grocery store. I tell him its OUR money and not just mine but he doesnt listen. I have taken time off once a year every year to go back to NY for at least 6wks. He is his old self as soon as we board a plane at LAX. Its crazy and maddening...he becomes noticably different when we are boarding the plane to come home.

    I think he is clinically depressed. I know all the signs. I also know that if he doesnt want the help i cant force him really because Ive been in his place and it didnt work. I guess its just hard for me because I dont understand why he doesnt want to be better for us or DD. Do you think its an age thing? Because Im 33 and he's 25....and idk if immaturity is at play as well.

     

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  • He is unhappy. Period. He uses video games as his escape. I have done this twice to past girlfriends as a form of "breaking up" with them. Yeah, I'm awesome. (sarcasm). I am not saying he is breaking up with you or wanting to- but he is pretty unhappy with himself.

    I think you had a great idea- if he really needs to get a job to feel like he can accept himself, even if he is just paying for daycare, then encourage that. But I would also work on selling the SAHD angle- that is a gig I would love. I would give up my engineering job in a heart beat to be a SAHD- my wife just doesn't make enough in the education realm to provide us with the lifestyle we would want for us and our daughter.

    I agree with PP... do not facilitate the video gaming. As stated: completely unacceptable. My wife currently lets me get away with some extended PS3 sessions because we are both aware it just isn't going to be there after January. However, if it isn't gaming- he will find something else as his "escape" if he is truly unhappy. His comment about "now we will never go to NY" was a pretty low blow to be honest. Whether he likes it or not- he is where he is and his priorities should now be his daughter. I know you say he is good with her but then checks out once you get home and you guys go places by yourselves? Not cool. It sounds like he is treating it as a normal 9-5 and then once you are home- not his problem anymore. Not cool.

     Out of curiosity... how old is he?

     

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  • Oops you answered my question while I was posting! I don't think it is a maturity thing- I mean, I am 25 as well. But people do mature at different ages.

     Honestly, it just sounds like he is unhappy with where he is at. He doesn't have a sense of direction. And you do spend money on him- I assume you buy him the video games, correct? If he will accept that, that is his form of "golf clubs" that you offered him. Jeez, offer me some golf clubs!!!!

    When he answers "I dont know".. press it. He has to want to do something. What is he interested in? Does he want to go to school for something? This really just sounds like someone who feels trapped and feels like a loser because in today's society, it is pushed so hard that "men go to work and women stay home" which just isn't true anymore.

     He has a tough job taking care of your kid and should be proud of that. If he needs more than that to be happy, then he needs to do that.

    So his options:

    A) Find out what will make him happy

    B) Find a way to accept his life and be proud of that

    C) Go see a medical professional

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  • imageladyjenna13:
    I am lucky if I get a 1/2 hour of my PS3.

    Feel free to add me. PSN ID: vSphereGuy   

    Cool

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  • imageRockyTopVols:

    imageladyjenna13:
    I am lucky if I get a 1/2 hour of my PS3.

    Feel free to add me. PSN ID: vSphereGuy   

    Cool

    for sure!

    image

  • imageRockyTopVols:

    Oops you answered my question while I was posting! I don't think it is a maturity thing- I mean, I am 25 as well. But people do mature at different ages.

     Honestly, it just sounds like he is unhappy with where he is at. He doesn't have a sense of direction. And you do spend money on him- I assume you buy him the video games, correct? If he will accept that, that is his form of "golf clubs" that you offered him. Jeez, offer me some golf clubs!!!!

    When he answers "I dont know".. press it. He has to want to do something. What is he interested in? Does he want to go to school for something? This really just sounds like someone who feels trapped and feels like a loser because in today's society, it is pushed so hard that "men go to work and women stay home" which just isn't true anymore.

     He has a tough job taking care of your kid and should be proud of that. If he needs more than that to be happy, then he needs to do that.

    So his options:

    A) Find out what will make him happy

    B) Find a way to accept his life and be proud of that

    C) Go see a medical professional

    Im pretty positive thats the source of everything. I come from a Latin family where machismo is rampant and he is aware that everyone thinks he should be working even tho i have never expressed anything but praise about him staying home. He is a computer geek...hes good with graphics...I offered him to go to school for that he declined because we cant afford it. I said we could get a loan. He said no...yet he knows my ultimate dream is to be a Pastry Chef and he thinks it would be fine for me to go to school for that in NY...as long as hes the bread winner.

    I have tried to get him to go back to NY and look for  a job...i told him i would make things work here with just me and DD if we had to be apart and once he got something stable i would move...Id leave my job of 15yrs...but he says he doesnt want to leave his family...I think he feels like if he left without us i would somehow change my mind and not let him come back.

    At this point i feel like my only option is to force him to go back to NY even if its just to "clear his head"....maybe that will make him realize how good he has it?

    Also i let him play the games because he seems happy when hes playing. He smiles and laughs and i guess its a tiny bit of the old him i see...pathetic, i know.

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  • Hi,

     

    This is a very difficult situation. I agree with your assessment of the situation: your partner is clinically ill with depression. As such, medical help is the best answer.

     

    From my limited experience, these are the following ingredients that are necessary for a possible recovery:

    -  your partner has to accept that he is ill. This is incredibly difficult, but once done, half the battle is won.

    - your partner has to have the right combination of help: counseling, medicine, and  support team.  if he accepts his situation, he will also accept help.  

    -  External factors have to be modified to best help him. For instance, if working is so important to him, then you both should try and find work for him. Is there any chance you could find a good job, similar to what you have now, in New York, where he thinks he  will find work and be happier?

     

    Please do not panic, but this is a bad situation. Unfortunately, it happens only too often, in our messed-up society and rotten economy. There is one big ray of hope, though: you have a good job and love him and want to help him. It will be incredibly hard on you, but the fight is worth the results. Good luck and be brave!

     

    (I'm using my wife's account, please don't mind me.) 

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  • Thanks again guys for your advice.

    We have an appt with a couples counselor next week and thus far he has objected to going but i am hoping i can make him go. Earlier he sent me a pic of results from one of those psych tests online and it said he was depressed...which of course i know but i asked him if that meant he was finally facing it and willing to work on it and he of course said "idk". I am going to try to talk to him tonight after the baby falls asleep and see how it goes.

    I know the situation is hard and an uphill battle...having battled depression myself which included 3 hospitalizations....I am now med free and i know its possible but i also understand it is very very hard to see a way out when youre lost in it.

     

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  • My husband wanted me to ask:

     Does he have any friends in CA? If not, has he looked on meetup.com for any fun get togethers with other SAHDs?

     

    (My husband was new to RI and didn't have many friends - we joined meetup.com and have made many friends with the outings/leagues we joined)  

     

    Good luck (from both of us)!!

    image

    image

    BFP#1: 08/30/12 EDD 04/30/12 m/c 09/04/12 6wks
    BFP#2: 01/27/13 EDD 10/06/13 missed m/c 02/25/13 9wks
    BFP#3: 10/30/13 EDD 07/05/14 Our little dude was born on 07/10/14 @ 2:19p <3


  • imagebewilderingstar:

    My husband wanted me to ask:

     Does he have any friends in CA? If not, has he looked on meetup.com for any fun get togethers with other SAHDs?

     

    (My husband was new to RI and didn't have many friends - we joined meetup.com and have made many friends with the outings/leagues we joined)  

     

    Good luck (from both of us)!!

    Nope. He says its weird to just go out alone to try and meet ppl. I never heard of that site though. i will look it up. Thanks!

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