Do you step in when your kids is being made fun of?

wellfleet04 · September 2012

Last night at the school picnic, I watched another girl humiliate my kindergarten DD. A group of kindy girls were doing cartwheels together. DD is motor delayed and has balance/vestibular issues. She cannot by any means do or even attempt a cartwheel. This one girl I don't know was running around with DD and a couple of girls in her class. When it became clear that DD could not do the cartwheels (she just said, "I can't do those." and stood by watching), the girl told her, "You can't do these. Why don't you leave? Why don't you go for a long run across the field by yourself. Get out of here." And poor DD ran. I teared up watching her do her little uncoordinated run across the whole field all by herself while this one little girl and the others watched her and laughed. What do you do in these type of situations? I know it's life, kids can be mean, etc. But, man, it hurts. I ended up not intervening because I thought that might embarrass DD. But I feel like I shouldn't "allow" her to be humiliated, either. Of course after she finished running I went up to her and redirected her toward a different group of friends, and to her, that was that and she didn't seem overly upset. But I can't stop thinking about it

ETA: I accidentally posted this on SAHMs, so this is repost.

malcivar · September 2012

What a horrible little girl!

I know - kids are mean and this is going to be a part of our lives and maybe I'm clueless about how kids are but this seems exceptionally malicious for a kindy aged kid.

So sorry for your little girl. This is also my biggest fear with DS. He would run too because he would think this is playing.

I don't know what to tell you. All I can offer are hugs for you and DD.

finsup · September 2012

Yes, I would absolutely step in in the situation you described.

In this case I would probably make my way over to the group where the mean girl was and say something about how it is important to be kind and use kind words toward others, even others who can't do everything they can do.

And then I'd also talk with DD about it - and work on those social situations and what to do and what to say.

Honestly though, I DREAD this stuff. We've had minimal incidents on this kind of thing so far. These kinds of situations are tough on parents SN or not. I dread it.

grbnik · September 2012

This so made me tear up. I know this is so wrong to say, but sometimes I want to scream obscenely at kids like that (it is my momma bear coming out, and I actually would never do it, but it does make me feel better saying it).

I was the kid that always got picked on. I had a nervous laugh (that seriously sounded like a machine gun) and had huge, thick, bifocal glasses from 18 months on. I always came home from school, crying. My parents weren't ones to create waves, and never went to the school or anything, so I just suffered, and in 7th grade, got contacts, and by high school, I was in with a popular group of girls (not snotty, just nice). I wished that someone would have stepped in and said something. It hurt, alot, and I have a little residual feeling about it, hence the probably completely inappropriate thing I said above.

I think it is okay to correct kids. Sure, they will be mean. Sure, adults won't always be there to correct, or maybe the adults there don't feel that they can correct, whatever. But, our kids' frontal lobes are so not even closed to formed at that age. Give them better skills to learn from. I don't think berating them is best, but getting involved and maybe saying 'she isn't able at this time to do a cartwheel, but that doesn't mean that she can't be part of your group' or whatever, will only help them create and learn tolerance. And, maybe a talk with their parents would be in order as well. Kids don't know any better, and I have had to tell myself this, looking back on what bullies I dealt with, and am still slowly forgiving. My childhood kinda sucked because of them, and I am still trying to let that go.

Good luck, mama bear.

malcivar · September 2012

grbnik, you wrote something that is very true. Kids don't know any better. They, in many cases, are just doing what they see others doing so maybe those bullies you (and I) dealt with as kids learned it by watching the bullies at home. I know what you mean though about wanting to just berate them - it's residual from what we've been through, and additionally, in my case, what I've seen others do to my sister, and our maternal protectiveness kicking in.

I'd like to say I'd try to patiently explain to them that what they're doing is not nice but more than likely, I'd probably just scoop my kid up and leave.

4Speedy · September 2012

The phrases the girl chose don't seem like something a kid would come up with out of the blue. It almost seems like she is watching too many of the iCarly type tween shows where sarcasm runs rampant. I put a code on all those kid channels because my 6yo was repeating the sarcasm she heard without understanding how hurtful a lot of it came across.

I would bet the girl you came in contact with heard the phrase "take a long walk off a short pier" and tried to create her own version of a joke about running across the field by one's self. I'm sure she expected a laugh track to follow and didn't get how hurtful her "joke" was.

In this case, I think I would have gently stepped in and explained that her words were hurtful. She may not have understood that they were.

wellfleet04 · September 2012

4Speedy:
The phrases the girl chose don't seem like something a kid would come up with out of the blue. It almost seems like she is watching too many of the iCarly type tween shows where sarcasm runs rampant. I put a code on all those kid channels because my 6yo was repeating the sarcasm she heard without understanding how hurtful a lot of it came across.
I would bet the girl you came in contact with heard the phrase "take a long walk off a short pier" and tried to create her own version of a joke about running across the field by one's self. I'm sure she expected a laugh track to follow and didn't get how hurtful her "joke" was.
In this case, I think I would have gently stepped in and explained that her words were hurtful. She may not have understood that they were.

I think that's generous. My DD and I both absolutely understood that the "joke" was mean and hurtful. She and the other girls were laughing. I mean, I get that kids will be kids, but I don't think I need to excuse her behavior. It sucked.

wellfleet04 · September 2012

4Speedy:
The phrases the girl chose don't seem like something a kid would come up with out of the blue. It almost seems like she is watching too many of the iCarly type tween shows where sarcasm runs rampant. I put a code on all those kid channels because my 6yo was repeating the sarcasm she heard without understanding how hurtful a lot of it came across.
I would bet the girl you came in contact with heard the phrase "take a long walk off a short pier" and tried to create her own version of a joke about running across the field by one's self. I'm sure she expected a laugh track to follow and didn't get how hurtful her "joke" was.
In this case, I think I would have gently stepped in and explained that her words were hurtful. She may not have understood that they were.

I think that's generous. My DD and I both absolutely understood that the "joke" was mean and hurtful. She and the other girls were laughing. I mean, I get that kids will be kids, but I don't think I need to excuse her behavior. It sucked.

Florak8 · September 2012

One thing I have found as a teacher is that I can change behavior often by just being physically there in proximity. So you can try that next time.

I don't have a 6yo yet, so I don't know if this is too "babyish" but I might just say, "Those are mean words, (brattygirl'snamehere), and we're not going to stick around to hear more." and redirect your daughter the way you did. There are always going to be mean people, and that is a script and behavior plan that works through adulthood.

Now if brattygirl talked back to that, it would be on. Girlfriend would be getting her "a$$ on blast" (if I am using that phrase correctly?).

smiling76 · September 2012

malcivar:

grbnik, you wrote something that is very true. Kids don't know any better. They, in many cases, are just doing what they see others doing so maybe those bullies you (and I) dealt with as kids learned it by watching the bullies at home. I know what you mean though about wanting to just berate them - it's residual from what we've been through, and additionally, in my case, what I've seen others do to my sister, and our maternal protectiveness kicking in.

I'd like to say I'd try to patiently explain to them that what they're doing is not nice but more than likely, I'd probably just scoop my kid up and leave.

I agree. I would probably want to run up say "hey you little biitches....you need to learn respect"...but apparently that's not ok....SOOOOOOOO in that case I would probably go up to them---tell them that I saw what they did and that it wasn't very nice. Now dealing with kids, I know that they many times completely disrespect adults. There is NO fear-and would probably talk right back to ME. And in that case--I'd probably go and speak with their moms....and explain what happened and that they really need to understand that all kids are different and although my child can't do cartwheels, they can do many other things. And that if the kids don't learn this from an early age --they are going to end up hurting a lot of people. If a parent said that to me about their child I would feel horrible and absolutely take that as a learning lesson with my child.

macchiatto · September 2012

That's so mean.

One of my sons has hypotonia, vestibular issues and some other stuff going on. The other day someone was asking me why he's in PT and when I explained, she said, "Well, that's not that big a deal. I know someone else whose twins were 12 weeks early and ..." and started describing more severe issues. I'm sure she meant well, but it bugs me b/c what I worry about with Alex is situations like you described--other kids being mean to him or bullying him if he's weaker and less coordinated and can't do things they can do. Auntie's advice is helpful. I agree it's very appropriate to say something. Even if you won't always be there in situations like that, I think it's good to model standing up for what's right and not allowing people to just get away with saying mean words like that. I would think too that might help your daughter develop the confidence to speak up herself if she sees you modeling how to do it?

Orange and Green · September 2012

My 16 YO DD has ADHD and several mouth and eye tics (but doc's haven't diagnosed her with Tourettes). She was 6 when she started having the tics and kids started making fun of her. I knew I couldn't protect her from taunts so she and I worked together on how to respond to others. Today she's very witty in her comebacks and has many friends. She has no problem standing up for herself and will ALWAYS intervene when she sees other kids getting teased.

macchiatto · September 2012

Orange and Green:
My 16 YO DD has ADHD and several mouth and eye tics (but doc's haven't diagnosed her with Tourettes). She was 6 when she started having the tics and kids started making fun of her. I knew I couldn't protect her from taunts so she and I worked together on how to respond to others. Today she's very witty in her comebacks and has many friends. She has no problem standing up for herself and will ALWAYS intervene when she sees other kids getting teased.

I love it. Sounds like you're a great mom with a wonderful daughter!

Emerson2007 · September 2012

Probably not the best, but if I overhear anything mean or ugly, I make my presence known and give the stare down to mean kid to let them know I am watching them. If it were offensive enough, I would say something. Usually, that is for ugly comments from a random kid at the park-not special needs related comment. At 5 years or younger, most kids are more inquisitive about his hearing aids then making fun of them. They will point and ask questions but not in a mean way. I expect that around 1st-3rd grade or so. I am NOT looking forward to that!

Emerson2007 · September 2012

I also wanted to add.....before he started kindergarten I had a talk with him, about how sometimes kids can be mean or make fun of others and that it wasn't nice. We had this convo, because they had to sign an anti-bullying agreement at his school. So I told him that some kids may make fun of a shirt, a haircut, or maybe even his hearing loss, but I told him all kids are different and I told him a few things to say if someone made fun of him. I also threatened him that I better never hear of him making fun of someone else! So far, all the K kids are nice to each other.

clc023 · September 2012

I find the more I reprimand other children, especially children that make up the class/neighborhood, the worse it gets

Some kids really do not know what they are actually saying and that it's hurtful. Like my 4 yr old calling people losers, he heard it and will randomly call someone that. Kids like that you can easily correct. Kids that do it with malicious intent know exactly what they are doing and those are the kids we have problems with. Like a PP said, make sure you are there in the thick of it and those kids know you are watching/listening and then arm your child with the skills to protect themselves. My 7 yr old would probably have done the same thing at that age. My 5 yr old, he is much more vocal about standing up for himself, though he may not understand it's a joke at his expense and do it anyway. It's hard navigating bullies.

Wahoo · September 2012

I will stick up for everyone - not only my own child.

I will tell you from experience - my 9yoDD (and her friends) appreciate it when I stick up for them - even over something stupid. For example, at the pool over the summer, a boy called all of them ugly. I have no idea what he was talking about - all of the girls were cute (cuter than he was!). And I called him out and say "hey! why are you calling these girls ugly?!? That's not nice, and it's not even true!"

You would think I flew in with a cape and tights - the girls were so amazed that I spoke up for them! But I would never allow anyone to treat someone else badly - even if that "someone else" was not my kid. I think my DD needs to learn that you need to do what is right and not just step back and think "it's none of my business."

I do think the best think you can do for your own child is teach them to self-advocate, to give them a strategy for dealing with hurtful people, and for teaching them to stay away from the mean kids. That was my DD's (who is not special needs) hardest lesson - not everyone is going to like you, and if someone is mean to you, then don't waste your friendship on them. Spend your time cultivating friendships with people who love and value you.

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