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Adoption
paisleybaby33
member
Question for those who have adopted or are waiting to adopt....(from a lurker)
paisleybaby33
member
in Adoption
I know each situaiton is different and an a straightforward answer here cannot necessarily be given, but...
For those of you who have adopted or are waiting to adopt, how did you *know* in your heart, gut, head, whatever, that adoption was the path you were being called to take? As my siggy below shows, my DH and I have been TTC for almost 1 1/2 years and have endured 2 losses. After our most recent loss, I have been feeling pulled towards adoption. I don't know if I am ready to give up on our TTC process, but I feel this strong pull to pursue or at least get more info on adoption. Our loss is still pretty fresh, and I do not want to make any decisions in haste out of grief or any other raw emotion, but I cannot shake this feeling of being pulled.
Any insight or personal experience would be so greatly appreciated.
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Re: Question for those who have adopted or are waiting to adopt....(from a lurker)
I am so sorry for all you are going through. For us it took research to know what path was right for us. Just start poking around online take a look at the FAQ's on the top of the page.
Best of luck
After 3 losses, we just wanted to be parents. We actually set a timeframe where we'd focus less on IF treatments and more on adoption. It just flowed naturally from there.
IMO there is no commitment involved in getting information and looking at all of your options. Maybe you'll find adoption feels right to you. Maybe you'll find that another option is a better path right now. Maybe you'll find that you can pursue both TTC and adoption at the same time (some agencies are OK with that, some aren't).
I know that a lot of people who have dealt with IF feel a sense of relief and a new sense of optimism when they start to look at adoption. It's a roller coaster of a different sort, but it can be so worth it.
I completely agree with the feeling of optimism that comes with deciding to adopt.
With us, I just always had this feeling that we weren't going to be able to conceive. We weren't preventing for a while, and then I started taking OPK's and nothing was coming up positive. I waited a while to start the IF tests, because I had a gut feeling we were going to get bad news. So I asked my husband if we could adopt instead of focusing all our energy onto something that didn't feel right to me and he agreed. We'd already scheduled an orientation with the adoption agency and told our families that we planned to adopt by the time we got the results back that there was less than a .5% chance that we'd ever conceive.
In a way, we were lucky, because after that, we knew for sure we'd chosen the right path in adoption. The really short answer, though, is that adoption felt hopeful, and TTC never really had. If you're still hopeful about conceiving, and are looking into adoption as a second resort, I'd say you should probably give it a little more time.
I think it's different for everyone and depends a lot on your situation. For us, a struggle with IF wasn't part of our journey, but, for a lot of the ladies on this board, it was. Our decision to adopt comes from some of how I grew up?I was around plenty of families that included children who had been adopted (both domestically and internationally). As a result, adoption was "normalized" in my eyes and just became part of what I wanted for the future.
If you want the longer story, lots of the ladies on here have blogs (including me) that spell out the process and background in more detail. We have a blog roll every other week or so to check in. Here's the most recent one:
https://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/68417142.aspx
Our Adoption Blog & Fundraising Efforts
Heading to China in November 2014 to bring our son home!
I am so sorry for your losses (( Hugs )). After 3 losses we just felt done. It was such a heartbreaking thing to go through and after the third one we just couldn't fathom taking on TTC again. Also my doctor was not encouraging regarding future pregnancies.
Adoption was something we had always been open to and had increasingly researched as time went on. Now we feel very at peace and positive that this is the right path for us. I feel like the more information I get the more certain we feel.
Definately get some information and see how you feel - there is no right or wrong answer, everyone is different and comes to their life decisions in their own time and own way. Feel free to ask any questions on here, this is really a very nice group of ladies.
I think its a little different for everyone. Adoption was our original plan when TTC didn't work out the first couple of years we were married. I have a cousin who was adopted internationally, and I just always thought that's what we would do it we couldn't get pregnant. My obgyn just so happened to refer me to an RE before we had done anything except an get info packet from one agency, and things worked out relatively easily, so adoption went out of the picture for a while.
Fast FWD 3 years, TTC #2 wasn't working out with or without our RE. We got to a point where we were done and not willing to go any further. Around the same time we just so happened to be sitting across from an adoptive family at a dinner party and a light bulb went off, like "oh hey! we forgot about adoption!!" So we started researching again and here we are!! :-)
Hi there. I'm so sorry about your losses. I had 3 myself after 4 years of fertiity treatments. My H and I had just had enough....of Drs and hospitals. We always talked about adoption but once we decided to stop the treatments it was like it kept being presented to us. It sounds odd but no one knew about our treatments but people kept offering to talk to us about adoption. I think our hearts were just ready to listen
My blog has the full story of the coincidences if you are interested in all that but the bottom line is we both kind of came to the realization at the same time.
I wish you lots of luck with your decision. It's a lot to think about. I can tell you that i was scared off by the process for a long time but even with some minor glitches, it all went much more smoothly than I thought. The waiting kind of sucks but I am used to that due to all the IF.
Keep us posted....
I'm so sorry for your losses, I cannot imagine what that is like. DH and I have been TTC for a little over a year and a half now, and have been praying about adoption. Adoption was always our "back up plan" because we knew from the start that we could have problems with IF. However over the last 6 months I too started feeling pulled toward adoption, so I talked to my DH, who agreed it was something he wanted too. I constantly pray about it and I have been given a sense of peace that it is what we are suppose to be doing.
However we are not giving up on TTC, once we start the adoption process we will not pursue any IF treatments until awhile after the adoption is final.
Sounds like we are in similar places in our journey, except i haven't had the losses. But if you want to talk feel free to PM me.
Being a lesbian couple, we always knew we would have to outsource when we wanted children. My wife is infertile, so I conceived DS using sperm from my best friend. After having DS we knew we wanted another kid, and so we started thinking about adoption. We didn't want to conceive again right away for medical and environmental reasons, and we felt like we were giving our DS this awesome life, and there were other children who wouldn't have a chance at that. Our big deterrent was we didn't want to go through an agency (too much red tape, and the financial costs are borderline scams). We got a lawyer to help us with an independent adoption, rather than going through an agency.
Of course, choosing adoption doesn't mean you'll be avoiding loss, necessarily. Many APs go through multiple failed matches, and sometimes BPs have second thoughts once they have the baby. I saw how hard it was for our BM to hand DD over, and I don't think I could blame anyone for not wanting to go through with that.
Definitely think about it for a while. We thought about it for about for about half a year before going ahead and hiring our lawyer.
For me, I always wanted to adopt. Well before I knew I'd have fertility issues, before I was even married or with a partner... it was something I've just always felt deeply about. I care so much about children, about family, and my hurt for those without family has always been so strong. It has always been deeply set within my spirit. I'd wanted bio children AND adopted children.
But after my loss and learning that we were having difficulty with infertility, we just decided that we could either save up for treatments and risk it not working anyway or we could go a route we eventually always wanted to do regardless and pursue adoption. So, that's what we're doing.
For women chosing to adopt after IF or after losses, I think it's important to come to a place where you don't feel like adoption is settling for second best. I think it's so important to grieve your losses and grieve inferility because I personally feel it's dangerous to go into adoption with the mindset of it being a last resort or second best or settling for less than ideal. Maybe, for some, that is the case and that is why they're choosing adoption -- because it wasn't in the plan but now it's the only option leading to children. But the mindset and the heart intent greatly affects the process and I think the bond with adopting parent and adoptee child, so I just feel like IF couples need to grieve first and not choose to adopt out of "despair" or raw emotions from places that could lead their hearts astray. I feel it's important to do this because you WANT to adopt, because you WANT to love an adopted child, because you'll love them JUST as much as you would've a bio-child, and there is a passion in your heart for a child that may not be biologically "yours."
TTC since Aug 2011. BFP #1 on 10/28/2011 EDD of 07/02/2012 Natural MC on 11/22/2012 BFP #2 on 10/28/2012 EDD of 7/13/13 Judah Ari born on 7/11/13.
I love my rainbow baby!
We had talked about adoption from the beginning of our relationship. DH's oldest sister was adopted and my dad was adopted. It was always a calling for us.
We decided when we were going to end IF treatments when we dove into it. When we got to that point, we were so excited to start the adoption process.
I am sorry for your losses and TTTC. I think it is important to take time to grieve as PP said, and also listen to that pull and be open and pay attention to the paths God puts you on. He will open up so many doors for you as you submit to Him and close the ones that need to be closed too.
DH and I knew we would adopt from day one. But like so many we wanted birth children AND adopted children. I though we'd have one birth child through ART and then adopt many more after that. That has not been God's plan for us though. ART failed us and I did not want to jump straight into adoption as I did not want it to be second choice. I wanted it to be first choice.
I thought I might be able to just accept being childless and gave all my dreams to God. I started talking myself into all the travel and career progression that being childless would afford us. Suddenly the desire to be a parent became more overwhelming than ever before, even stronger than when we were TTC.
God put so much in our path leading us to adopton. We switched churches two years ago. Randomly, we've met 8 wonderful couples at this church who have adopted and they have become our greatest friends and encouragers and mentors. We've started teaching the 2nd graders and a couple of the kids just came out and started telling us we need to adopt. Now our nephews are doing it. A pregnancy crisis center decided to have a Summer adoption 101 program at our church and that just did it for us. God put plenty in our path to tell us it's time! ART failed us and our bodies were not created to have birth children (not at this time anyway), but I do believe we have been called to be parents. God chose to give us our kids through someone else's body. I don't question it anymore. I am so excited.
Be still and Listen and be open to all the signs around you. You will have a peace so overwhelmingly strong come over you when it is time to get started.