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My sister is pregnant... and I feel... robbed? (vent)
I realize that I'm coming across as a complete baby (no pun intended) about this, but just this weekend, I learned that my sister is pregnant, and I'm having trouble resolving my feelings about it. I am hoping you all can help.
At first, I was so excited to hear the news! I have always thought that she and her hubby would be a great set of parents, and I'm excited for a new little one in the family. Now that two days have passed and I've had some time to process it, I have really mixed feelings.
To make a long story short, for as long as she and I have had conversations about babies, she has told me she has never wanted to have kids. Ever. And her husband was adamant that he didn't want children either. I'm on the complete opposite of the spectrum. I've always known I wanted to be a mother, and now that I'm finally married (we just passed our 3 month-a-versary after 10 years of dating), I'm excited to get the ball rolling on it!
Naturally, there's sibling rivalry between us, and as the younger sister, I have always gotten the scraps. I'm not even kidding. My sister can do no wrong. She never has done anything wrong in my parents' eyes, and she never will. I've accepted that. As an example, days after my college graduation, I heard my dad tell a friend that my graduation ceremony was "just okay," but my sister's was "really special," and it meant so much to him that he was able to have that experience at her college. Thanks, Pop. I've moved on, but obviously I haven't forgotten it.
That said, one thing I was really looking forward to sharing with our dad was to be the first to have a grandchild. Since my hubby and I have started playing "Russian Roulette," if you will, I've been thinking of things like how to tell my dad if we're expecting a baby. My mom recently passed away, and I know there's a void in his life, as well as there is in my own. I was excited that he'd be able to share in our joy and become a grandfather, moving to a new phase in his life. It was something special that my hubby and I'd be able to share with him that was just ours.
That's where I feel burned. My sister, who has never (I can't emphasize that enough) wanted children is now due at the end of March. When I was talking to her about how her feelings changed, she didn't even seem that excited about it. It's not that it was a mistake; it's that my BIL wanted to be a dad badly, and she was "willing to try it for him."
Again, I fully realize this is petty sibling rivalry stuff, but I genuinely feel let down that she has taken away the one thing I was so excited to share with my dad and be the first to do with him. I feel like once again, it's going to be a constant comparison between my sister and me, as I know we're not going to be far behind in our announcement (not yet, but soon, I'm sure). And I know they didn't plan this around my feelings, but they've been married for nearly 10 years, and magically, 3 months after I get married, they're expecting. Freaking amazing timing.
Do you all have suggestions for how to get over these feelings (besides just telling me to get over it)? Am I being ridiculous?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: My sister is pregnant... and I feel... robbed? (vent)
I definitely get what you're saying, and I know my dad will be elated regardless. I think it's just that never in my wildest dreams did I imagine they'd have a baby, and I know I got myself worked up about a scenario that didn't come to fruition.
I think I might feel differently if she were actually excited about it. She's not. She's lukewarm at best. Perhaps that's because she still has 2 weeks until her 2nd trimester begins, and the excitement will come with that 2nd trimester. When I hear out of her mouth that she's willing to try and see how this parenting thing works out and that they're definitely learning the gender because, "if it's a boy, I'll need some time to wrap my head around that," I can't help but wonder if she's even pregnant for the right reasons.
You are being ridiculous and kind of a bratty little sister. *Just throwing that out there* Your sister is not robbing you of anything. This is just you being petty. You can still make your pregnancy announcement and your child special to your father.
Stop comparing yourself to your sister. You are your own person. As long as you keep thinking you are "behind, in the shadows" of your sister and her foot steps, you always will be. Move away from that type of thinking.
She's older, married longer and it doesn't matter why she is having a baby. She didn't do it to rob you or steal your thunder. There are isn't an finite number of babies to be born into the world. Enjoy your marriage and be happy for your sister. Your day will come. Enjoy being an aunt.
ETA: So your sister is 10 weeks? Be happy that she didn't drop the pregnancy bomb around your wedding. I'm sure you would have been miffed about her trying to steal your lime light. =/ Sounds like your sister was trying to allow you to have "your time to shine" by not telling anyone she was pregnant. She doesn't sound like a lime light stealer to me. I think that was very nice of her to allow you to have your moment.* Now your moment is over and she is having one of her own. Be happy for her.
Again, her reasoning is her own. I would seriously just let this one go. How long have you been "trying" or shall I say, Not trying/ Not avoiding?
Sounds about right to me.
DD2: Lucia (Lucy) 07/13
I haven't denied that this is a sibling rivalry issue. It totally is. You could see from my first sentence that I admitted I was being immature about it.
To answer some questions, she said they didn't actually start "trying" until July. It was the first month they decided to time things out, and I guess they just got lucky and fertile on the first try, despite their age (late 30's).
And with regard to how long my hubby and I have been not-preventing pregnancy (I still wouldn't say we're actively trying), it's just been the 3 months we've been married. I don't feel disappointed when I get my TOM because we aren't being very intentional about anything. We're just enjoying finally being married.
I don't see her pregnancy at all as being about me or her stealing my limelight. I know I made a comment about the timing being fantastic, but that was more sarcasm than serious. I genuinely wouldn't even say I'm jealous, per say; I'm excited for the baby. I am also genuinely excited that our future babies will have cousins to play with, love, and support. I am sure that they have their reasons, and there's a lot more to their story than I have included. (I have a feeling that if you heard the entire thing, you'd raise an eyebrow, too. I just come from a school of thought that adding a baby to a rocky marriage is not a solution to an underlying problem.)
I think the biggest thing was that I just needed to articulate to someone my disappointment about not sharing this "first" with my dad. My dad has been through a lot over the past few years (my mom was really, really sick for about 7 years, and she just passed away in late February). I was really looking forward to having something positive that just my husband and I could share with him. Now that's not the case.
This is getting into a whole separate issue, which I didn't realize was related until I typed it out, but I think a big part of it is that I still hold a lot of anger toward my sister for how she treated our mom and some of the cold-hearted things she said while my mother was on her deathbed (e.g., "We're just waiting for the [inheritance] check." <--- I couldn't make that up if I tried.) Statements like that are why it was so important to me to have something unique to share with my dad, and her pregnancy blindsided me.
I needed to vent my disappointment, and I didn't feel like I could do it to anyone in my family. Thank you all for listening.
Well OP. I'm taking a different approach here because I completely understand what you mean.You aren't intentionally being the "bratty sister", but it was something you were looking forward to and it didn't pan out the way you wanted. Unfortunately, that is the nature of a sibling relation and something I can relate to since I was petrified my sister was going to try to do something on my wedding day to steal my light -- she almost did but my mom shut her up really fast when she saw what was happening.
I will agree with PP that the person comparing here is you and probably only you. Every child is special and when your time comes to have a baby, it will be special regardless of your sister. Your parents will be just as happy and the more important thing is that you will have your family like YOU want.
Try to find perspective in all this. People change their mind and that's okay. Pout over the loss of your parents attention for this, then get over it and be a big girl. Be happy to be an aunt!
Having kids isn't a competition. You don't "beat someone to it" or "win". I understand sibling rivlary, I really do. But if you are seriously going to let that get you down over being happy about the fact that you will have a new neice/nephew, you need to get over yourself. You don't know how they are TRULY feeling about the pregnancy. I am sure when I got pregnant with LO, people thought he was an oops/accident and I didn't want to be pregnant (long story). Truth was, I was the happiest I had ever been in my life from the minute I found out and while there was some hardship to overcome I knew that having my son would be the best experience ever. So no, you don't know what they are thinking.
I know that trying can be frustrating, which is why I chose not to chart. However, you can't really say you are actively TTC unless you are charting since you can't possibly know when you are ovulating. If you want to attempt to get pregnant more quickly, a good place to start is charting, temping, and using OPKs. It's not a guarantee to get pregnant (as unfortunately many women on here can tell you), but it will help you to get familiar with how your body works in the event that you cannot conceive without further help/testing. GL
"And with regard to how long my hubby and I have been not-preventing pregnancy (I still wouldn't say we're actively trying), it's just been the 3 months we've been married."
Yeah, you are being so ridiculous, its incredibly immature. Please grow up, stop competing for your father's affections like a toddler, and dragging potentially helpless children into the future fray with this family melodrama. For shiit's sake, you just got married. Simmer down.
Also, its not like there are a finite number of babies in the universe. I think you are coming at this in entirely the wrong mindset. Get over yourself. You need some tough love.
LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:
My guess is that when your sister insisted to you that she never wanted kids, she just wasn't in the right place in her life. Now she is, and it seems like her and her H made the decision to have children now. Just because you 'always known you wanted to be a mother' doesn't make a baby your right anymore than hers.
Honestly, I think this is rooted deeper than the baby issue. Sibling rivalry is one thing (It would be hard to find siblings that haven't felt this at some point in their lives) but I think it has to do with you and your parents/you and your dad. Your making a baby a way to 'win him over' for lack of better words.
Are you afraid your dad will love your child any less just because it won't be the first grandchild?
Anxiously awaiting baby #1! Baby BOY Due: May 30, 2013!
This is like some Jane Austen stuff.
I totally understand the jealousy, but it seems like there is a lot more going on. I'm going to be really blunt here:
Just because your father treats your sister as his favorite child, that doesn't mean she actively tries to be his favorite. Your sister is probably aware and uncomfortable with this fact, if it is a fact. If what you say is true, I'd bet this is more about making her husband happy than anything having to do with your father.
Just because you had this grand idea in your mind that you were finally going to be your father's favorite because your sister wouldn't give him grandchildren doesn't mean that she was trying to undermine you. And it doesn't mean it would have worked.
If you truly believe that your sister is in a bad marriage and having a child for the wrong reasons, then you should be there for her and be supportive of her as she goes through this process.
This is the pettiest of sibling rivalries, and probably the most painful. You should consider working through these resentments with a therapist. They obviously go really, really deep.
I hope that you can find some peace with all of this.
OP, I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I don't think anyone can say that what you are feeling is wrong, unless they are living in your shoes. It is natural to have jealousy and sibling rivalry. You are obvi very upset but you can do yourself a lot of good by trying to focus on yourself instead of your sister. She didn't get pregnant to spite you. You and your husband will be parents and focus on why you want children and what you will do to be great parents. Hopefully it will happen for you soon and your child will have a fun cousin to play with. Good luck.
Edit: spellingI understand sibling rivalry, I really do. My younger sister got married before I did and had a baby before I did. Did it bug me? A little bit, more so when she got married. Do I hold it against her? Absolutely not! My nephew is awesome. My parents adore him, but also can't wait to have more grandchildren. I can't wait to see him be a big cousin to my future kids.
Be happy for your sister, and realize that none of this takes away from you and your future kids. Your family is expanding, it's an exciting time.
Well said. I agree with all of this.
This. Just be happy for her OP!
<a href="http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Pregnancy"><img src="http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tt1d55f2" alt=" Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker" border="0" /></a>
You need to tread really lightly here.
My sister has a similar attitude to you. The trouble is, that because of her feelings toward me, she let that bleed into the relationship with her niece and nephew. It has been sad, honestly
.
Her pregnancy isn't about you. I can tell from your tone that this is much more than favortism. You are making a lot of judgements from the outside and, IMO, overstepping a lot. She has been married for 10 years and despite what you think you know, I'm sure it's about 20% of reality.
You need to separate your TTC from your sister's pregnancy. It.isn't.about.you. Your fantasy about having the first grandchild didn't pan out. Take a moment to mourn that and then build a bridge and get over it. Our expectations shape our reality. If you THINK your father is going the favor the first grandchild then in your mind he always will. Every little nuance and gesture will be weighed in your mind and it will eat at you.
You have been married for 3 months. She has been married for 10 years. The fact that you question the "timing" is laughable at best, delusional at worst. Live your life and just look at the bright side - your future child will likely have a cousin super close in age.
Married 6/28/03
Kate ~ 7/3/09 *** Connor ~ 11/11/10
4 miscarriages: 2007, 2009, 2013, 2014
*~*~*~*~*
No more TTC for us. We are done, and at peace, as a family of 4.
"Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching, and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be. I have been bent and broken, but – I hope – into a better shape.” — Charles Dickens
I can understand why you feel "robbed." Yes it's petty, and you understand that, but knowing it's silly isn't going to change the fact you have those feelings. As hard as it is, I would focus on making the decisions that are right for you and your family, and doing the things that make you happy, and letting your Dad's reactions be whatever they are.
Trying to do something for the sake the gaining someone's approval is a losing game. It will be impossible to predict what your Dad's reaction would be. Heck, even if you had the first baby in the family, he could very well end up fawning over your sister's baby more, anyway. You can't control it, so try your best to let it go.
If you want to have something special between you and your Dad, maybe find an activity you can do together or have a standing once a month Dad/Daughter date with him....
As for your sister, I would say it's totally possible for people to change their minds. I have several friends who were "never ever" on kids, and they did a complete 180.
Keep your chin up. If you want time with your Dad, ask for it. Focus on making decisions that are the best for you and your family, and let go of things you can't control. Good luck!
My Age - 41, DH's Age - 42
Dx: Endometriosis, Stenosis of the Cervix, Uterine Polyp, Hostile CM and Borderline PCOS
Stage 1 Endo and Uterine Polyp removed and Cervix widened on July 9, 2012.
IUI #1 Clomid 50 mg - 3/6/13 BFN
IUI #2 Clomid 50 mg - 4/3/13 BFN
IUI #3 Clomid 50 mg - 10/4/13 BFN
IUI #4 Clomid 100 mg + HCG trigger - 11/2/13 BFN
Cycle #28 - Clomid 100 mg + HCG trigger + TI (IUI #5 cancelled) - 2/5/14 BFN
IUI #5 Clomid 100 mg + HCG trigger - 3/5/14 BFN
OP, I think I can see both sides of it. I am older sister who said she didn't want kids; I really was just in a place where I couldn't want them, though. When I found out my sister was expecting her first, I was weirded out. When she called me and said she was expecting her second (her first was only a year), I got angry and jealous. She was on her second, and couldn't even try or my first?!?! I sobbed for one night, and it was very cathartic. The next day I realized I was being silly and petty. I have a good relationship with her and her kids now. She never had any clue how I was feeling because, based on what I had said, I didn't ever want kids.
Sometimes just realizing what you feel and expressing it (preferably not to the person) can help you get over things. I'm glad I took the time to experience those emotions that night and get over it.
When you experience pregnancy, it's going to be awesome and special. Until then, think of your sister of blaing the trail and you can learn from her experiences-both good and bad. Good luck n
My Ovulation Chart
TTC #1 Since July 2012-BFP Sept 27, EDD June 9, 2013, Arrived June 14, 2013
My blog-The Wino That I Know
This made me snort. Good advice.
OP, sounds like you have some things you need to resolve on your own.
Baby Chugging born 12.28.13
induction due to HELLP
I really understand sibling rivalry. I know it's different with sisters then a brother/ sister combination, but I felt the same way as you do. I hated my brother for the same reasons.. I felt my brother could do no wrong and that really bothered me. Things I would save and everything for my brother always got. Yrs. later someone told me that my mom felt that my brother needed more attention and my father had given too much to me.
I will say that at some point I realized that this had nothing to do with him and I. Once I realized that fact we have a much better relationship. My advice is to let it go.
Ok you're totally hitting up a stash of mulpet gifs and I love it! LOL
First of all, I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my mother last October and I'm still so torn up about it. You only get one mom, you know? I'm also so sorry things aren't turning out the way you expected with your dad. I know it can be hard to give up a dream. That said, having a baby is a very big decision and can stir up all kinds of drama. The only thing that matters is how you feel about it. If you decide you are ready to have a baby, great! If you decide you don't want to constantly be compared with your sister, then just enjoy your time as newlyweds for a little while.
Please don't forget that this is a special time in your lives! Sleep in! Drink! Wear sexy clothes! Go on dates! Go out to the movies! Eat sushi! Have sex in the living room! Take a fabulous vacation! Trust me, your sister will be jealous for quite a while. Having a newborn is no joke and if she's having this baby to save her relationship, please be there for her, she's going to need you.