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April 2012 Moms
LolaBelle515
member
Ask Me Anything: Lesbian edition:)
LolaBelle515
member
Since I get asked crazy questions by strangers on the street as a gay mom (if I had $1 for every time a stranger asked me how many months it took to get pregnant...really???) AND since every once and a while our message threads lead to some really interesting conversations about GLBT stuff...I thought I'd just put myself out there.
So, if you've ever wanted to ask a lesbian mom something...here ya go! Have at it.
(PS. Obviously, all GLBT folks have individual perspectives just like the rest of the world, but I'll share my experience/perspective with you.)
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Ask Me Anything: Lesbian edition:)
Do you know of any good books for kids that show homosexuality in a normal way? We used to live next door to a lesbian couple, but now we live out in the middle of the boonies, and I don't want my kids to think that homosexuality is something unusual.
Damn, I miss those ladies.
Great question! I'd love to know this as well.
Absolutely. Now more than ever, actually.
First, I had to go through an expensive legal process to legally adopt my son. Because Minnesota doesn't recognize our relationship, I was not considered Luke's mother and was not allowed on the birth certificate. It took 3 months to get a court date (relatively speedy, actual) so that I could be recognized. During those 3 months, if anything had happened to my wife...the state could take my son away from me. It was emotionally painful knowing I was doing everything 24/7 to protect my son and help him grow...but legally I had no power. It was particularly stressful in the weeks leading up to birth, since I knew it was possible the hospital could deny me the power to make medical decisions for my son if he needed immediate attention after birth and if my wife was not able to respond. Thankfully, that legal process is over and my state (not all states allow this) now recognizes me as his second parent.
The second way is that Minnesota has a constitutional amendment on our state ballot in November to "define marriage between a man and a woman." Same gender marriage is already illegal in Minnesota, but now some want to add its banning to the constitution, as 30 other states already have. The biggest argument people make is that it is bad for children to have two moms/dads. It is incredibly painful to see these commercials, read the newspaper editorials, and hear that people think we are harming our son...literally, on a daily basis.
In case anyone is interested, the Minnesota Chapter of the American Academy of Pediatrics just released a statement that 25+ years of research shows no harm to child of two parents of the same gender. Press release here: https://mnunited.org/news/minnesota-pediatricians-say-marriage-amendment-would-be-harmful-to-children-medical-research-shows-same-sex-parents-raise-healthy-children/
Wow. That was long. I promise they won't all be:)
Man. This is why I hate America sometimes. Yes, ladies, you read me right and flame if you want to. This is seriously f?cked up. Breaks my damn heart.
For us, it was easy. My wife has always had a strong desire to physically carry and birth a child. I always knew I wanted to be a mom, but didn't have a strong vision of how I would get there. We barely even discussed it, we just knew it made sense for us.
I know for some couples, it's a much bigger conversation. And, of course, there are other factors that some couples need to consider: age, general health, etc:)
If this is rude or too private, I do not mean it that way, just curious: Sperm donor? What Criteria? Did you want him to look like you?
Great question:) I am actually going to ask this on the GLBT board as well, to get more responses, and I'll get back to you.
Right now, the only one we own is "The Family Book" by Todd Parr. I love the book. It isn't a book ABOUT having two moms/two dads, but rather a book that includes two moms/two dads amongst many other makeups of families. I think sometimes that is powerful--not to make an issue of having two moms/dads, but rather just having it be part of the story of the book.
Here's a quick list from amazon, too, but I can't personally recommend them:
https://www.amazon.com/Great-Childrens-Books-Lesbian-Moms/lm/R1S5KQ4GNYTSF7
Are you going to become a mother to more children??
That is a super interesting question, I want to know too, but if it's too private I understand.
I don't have any questions yet that haven't already been asked but great thread! My sister is Bi and she often talks about what would happen if she meets the right woman and how they would start a family.
Oh and BTW your Luke is ADORABLE! Like I want to eat him up! Not in a freaky cannibal kind of way but he is just too cute.
It brings tears to my eyes that you have face the things you do. Most of my close friends are lesbians and I wish they had the same rights as everyone else.
My H's ex is a lesbian and their girls have faced some teasing and hate. How do you plan to support your child(ren) with this possibility? I know it is the same with any other bigotry. I don't always know how to handle it when someone attacks me for my race so I don't always know how to help my step daughters.
Sure, good question. We figure he can decide what to call us, which sometimes happens with Mom & Dad households, too (Dads being called papa even if he didn't initiate that, etc).
I generally call myself Mom when talking to him and my wife refers to herself as mama, just because that's the term we are used to in our own childhoods...but, we'll see!
Hopefully my answer above was somewhat helpful, but it's very true that every state is different. Your sister and her parenter should definitely, definitely get a lawyer who specializes in GLBT adoption law. There are plenty of reputable ones out there. We found ours through friends that used her, but she could also just ask GLBT advocacy groups in Illinois for suggestions.
Our lawyer made it clear to me that part of the reason she does this work is not just for us now, if our relationship falls apart some day, (despite our belief, of course, that that will never happen) I will have equal rights to the child and it states that in our adoption paperwork. I assume your sister would be equally protected.
Did you have a gender preference for your child, as far as what would be "easier" for them, growing up with two moms?
I hope I'm wording that right. I just wonder if people would give you more crap for one or the other.
My aunt was like a second mother to me when my parents went through hard times and she later came out to us. I wish she had been in a different time when it would have been feasible for her to have a child, but she was already in her 50s when she came out and got married. Her and her wife would've been wonderful parents.
I'm sorry you had to go through all of that to get custody of your son. I can't imagine how hard that must've been for you. Thanks for posting this.
If this is rude or too private, I do not mean it that way, just curious: Sperm donor? What Criteria? Did you want him to look like you?
We determined that a known donor was the right choice for our family. We are in the minority in this, and I think using a sperm bank and a unknown donor is a wonderful choice for many families!
We wanted (especially my wife wanted) our son to know as much about where his biology came from as possible. For us, that meant being able to have a relationship with his donor. I say this all very carefully because I fully, fully respect families that choose unknown donors...and we may use an unknown donor for our next child if our donor chooses not to donate again.
Our donor is a dear friend who we felt we could trust on this incredibly delicate process, who would be open with us when he had questions/concerns and we could do the same, and whose relationship with us would not be threatened by making this decision.
He continues to be a dear friend and sees our son because he hangs out with us, as he always has. We make special effort to get them together, but he is in no way parenting our child or making decisions affecting our son's life.
We went through a legal process to protect our donor from any responsibilties related to parenting (ie: if our son is sick and our insurance doesn't cover it, the insurance company can't go after the donor).
I am sure you get a lot of support on the LGBT board but what about in real life? Are either you or your wife involved in any mom's groups?
But, I initially came out to close friends and family over a year between 23 and 24.
My family is incredibly supportive. My mother's first words were, "I love you." Honestly, I wasn't particularly worried about telling them in fear of losing their love because I knew their beliefs...but I was worried about telling them because it felt like I was saying I had been keeping something from them. That was very stressful for me.
I will say: when your children are older, if you want them to know that it's OK with you if they are GLBT, make your opinion on that known. It made it so much easier for me, and for me and many others: no one's opinion matters more than their parents'. It is the difference between life and death for some struggling teens coming out of the closet.
That first year of coming out was very difficult. I did lose a very small number of close friends over it, and that was, and continues to be, very painful to me. I miss our old friendship.
YES, God willing:) I am an only child and always wished I had a sibling to share life with, so two kids was our hope from the beginning. One of us will carry another child.
Thank you! We think so, too:) Don't even get me started on how "smart" he is...proud mom, just like all of you...
We know we want to be intentional and active about this. We'll talk to their teachers/administration in advance, ask for updates if there are concerns, and make sure we're involved in school/sports/activities so we can recognize (whenever possible) if this is happening. We want our children to know they can come to us, but I know that's not a 100% solution.
But, honestly, I don't know yet. I'll be asking lots of questions to GLBT parents with older children for ways to be supportive...but it breaks my heart to know that my children will, to some degree, be at risk for bigotry for something that they did not choose.
I'm so, so sorry your step daughters have experienced harassment.
Thanks for the sweet words and the story about your aunt:) It's the people we know and love that help make the world a safer place for everyone!
To date, no one has bugged us about having a son, since he is being raised by two women.
We have said it might be nice for Luke to have a little brother, so that there is another boy in the house as he grows up...but, we are also very intentional about him having positive male role models in his life. We spend a lot of time with his uncle, grandfathers, godfather, donor, and other male friends...partly because we love them, and intentionally because we want that for him.
The worst has been their maternal grand parents. Last summer their grandmother spent two weeks telling them that their mother was evil and was going to hell. The funny thing is that their mom and grandma are still close. The girls' mom is a stronger person than I.
Our friends are going through a MAJOR baby boom right now! We have 3 friends who have baby BOYS born within 2 weeks of Luke. Not to mention a dozen others under the age of one. It's fantastic.
I felt like after our friends started having kids that we didn't get to see each other nearly as much, so as soon as Luke was born I started a Mommy & Me group for all of my friends. We get together monthly for baby-friendly activities that mean we all get to see each other in the midst of parenting. Next month: pumpkin patch!
All of those moms are straight, as are 95% of our friends. I am a minister and about 10% of my congregation is GLBT, including lots of families with same sex parents, so that is where we feel very connected to families that "look like ours."
I'm in a facebook group of local lesbian moms that I haven't connected much with yet, but will when I have questions (like finding a safe school)...and we hope to join the LGBT ECFE class next year when Luke is older.
I have never understood why people are so rude and hurtful about lesbians and gays becoming parents. I think that if two people love eachother and want to have a child who they know they will love and care for then who cares? There are plenty of heterosexual couples who have children and don't deserve to.
Your lil guy is adorable and I hope that one day you can live your life without being judge or criticised.
Does the tone of some of the conversations we have here about sexuality make you uncomfortable?
For example, there have been a couple of confession/flameful threads where non-lesbian people discussed having been with women before they married their husbands. I myself, who could hide behind my straight marriage if I wanted, felt uncomfortable a couple times because I don't feel like my past relationships with women should be considered "flameful" and worried labeling things that way would possibly push you or any other lesbian moms here away from the group. It doesn't happen a lot or anything, but I wonder.
WOW, I got goosebumps. I am so sorry you have gone through this.
I know you said your family is supportive, but do you have any family members who aren't supportive?
one of my brothers is gay and I support him 100% and he and I are very close, I also get along very well with his boyfriend. but my dad and grandparents are not supportive AT ALL! my dad refuses to acknowlege my brother being gay because he says he'll have to disown him because he disagrees with the lifestyle.
I'm just afraid of my son being confused that his grandpa doesn't talk about Uncle Adam and Uncle Lawrence.
Do you think in our lifetime these challenges will be eliminated for gay parents? Will it be better for our kids?
Eta I saw where you said about uncles, grandpas and friends playing an important role in his life
This 100%%%%%
Also, I have a question that has to do with your sperm donor. If it's too personal please don't answer but it's more of a curiousity.
I saw an episode of A Baby Story (I think it was) and the sister was being a surrogate to her brother and his husband. The way she became pregnant was he gave her a sample and she went into the bedroom and, I'm guessing, injected it, into herself? They couldn't be more detailed becase it was on TV but it got me wondering, if you chose a sperm donor that you know, and interact with (like yourself), is this how you did it? Or was it very medical and done in the doctors office?
My daughter goes to a small pre-school and two of the families have "two moms".' I love that the kids think nothing of it. I never would have thought at 18mos to start educating my DD about this even though a close aunt is a lesbian. I'm glad that early on this gave us a lead to talk bout how some families have a mom and a dad, or 2 moms, or 2 dads, or one mom and no dad, etc.
Anyways I just wanted to share a positive preschool story with you because you mentioned finding a safe school.
Honestly, I don't have any memories of being offended or uncomfortable by conversations that come up here. Of course, I don't read every single post and I tend to avoid the flame-free Fridays and the Unpopular Opinions so there are probably things I don't see.
Sometimes, things are amusing (last week's super long commentary on whether or not lesbians are virgins???), but I'm not offended:)
In general, I'm impressed with how supportive folks are and even more impressed by people's interest and thoughtful questions that have come up over the months.
I'm so sorry to hear about the struggles in your family about this. I do have some extended family that I know are personally opposed to my relationship, but they have always been supportive of my wife and I have a great deal of respect for their love and care.
However, you are most definitely not alone in having a split family on acceptance. Others might better be able to answer your question from experience.
What I can say is that the most important thing for your son to see is that you are supportive of your brother. You can't control anyone else's feelings and you will have the biggest influence on him.
If/when he asks about the family dynamic, I suggest being honest and fair. Hiding it would be confusing, but from many stories I've heard from LGBT parents, kids accept things how they are in a variety of family dimensions with less confusion than adults would. Of course, I hope there is some change for your family before then, but I know that isn't realistic for every family.
I honestly believe it will be better for our kids. Whether or not the laws change, the world is changing. When I was in high school, NO ONE I knew was out. My senior year, people started a gay-straight alliance, but it was very much a tiny, fringe group. Now, kids are safely coming out in middle school (when I personally started to recognize something was "different" about me...but at that age, I didn't even have the words for it because we weren't exposed to it). There are groups for gay youth, the internet provides so much positive examples (negative ones, too, of course), and the TV is huge (I don't like Glee, but I love Burt Hummel. Best TV dad ever).
I would love to see the laws change first (via supreme court, if need be) and have the culture follow because that would be quicker...but I think we're experiencing a culture shift towards recognition that this isn't a "choice" and that after a generation, acceptance will be so much more common that people will vote away the laws.
I'm not naive enough to think that thinks will be all puppies and rainbows, but I have to have hope...or I would be seriously depressed.