8 year-old and newborn?
My son is 8 and I am due with my second son in November. I had my oldest when I was 16 and single, and just got married in Feb of 2011. Living with my husband (rather than it being just my son and I) has been an adjustment, but my son has thrived under the father-figure attention! My new worry is how to prepare him for how his life will change when we bring the new baby home. We have talked with him a lot about how the baby will need a lot of attention and it doesn't mean we don't love him, etc., but I'm not sure how much of this he is actually absorbing!
Lol, honestly I don't think any of us can anticipate how this baby will change things in our daily lives (especially my son and my husband, since I have done the baby thing before and they obviously have not). Has anyone been in a similar situation with an older sibling? Any tips on how to help my son adjust?
Re: 8 year-old and newborn?
The best things I have found are letting the kids participate and ask as many questions as possible about the baby. From heartbeat, developmental stages to shopping for the baby. The more my daughter knew about the process of me being pregnant (like how was baby positioned and when could she hear the heartbeat) the more comfortable she was about him coming. I also made sure to give her as much (though she's 5) in my lap time, snuggles and one on one time she needed. I tried to keep our pre-baby routine as much the same but explaining especially towards the end how things would change. Since my daughter is so used to coming to me for everything I made sure to have days where it was no-ask mommy day. She had to go to my hubs for the simple things that she would go to me for. Stuff like getting ice, reading a story or helping pick out clothes. You would think that's a small request but you'd be amazed how hard it is for them to break the rule of mommy not being there for everything. This has helped her learn patience (if she chooses to wait on me) and great trust building between her and hubs.
So far that's all I have.
One nice thing about the older sibling being much older is that you can talk about things and prepare ahead of time. Also, an older kid already has a life outside of the family with school, friends, sports, etc., which makes it easier to deal with a huge change in the family.
I think you can best prepare your son by using some of the same techniques you'd use for any kid, and just modifying them for an older audience. Involve him as much as he expresses interest in some of the pre-baby decision making: name, nursery furniture, supplies, etc. If the hospital offers an older sibling class, see if he wants to sign up. Help him understand that you'll be physically recovering and really busy when the baby arrives, but remind him that you can still do stuff together like watch TV, read books, play a game, and hang out while you're caring for the baby.
One thing older kids want to know is where they'll stay while you're at the hospital. Let him know the arrangements, including how long you'll be in the hospital and when he'll visit. Include him in a hospital tour if you take one.
Also, I wouldn't say "things will be different, but we'll still love you when the new baby comes." Here's why:
What you mean when you say that: "I'm worried and I want to reassure you that I'll always love you."
What your 8 y/o might be hearing: "Wait -- there's even a remote possibility that you could stop loving me over this? I didn't think things were THAT bad! This sounds just like when you told me that shot wouldn't hurt at the doctor's!"
Instead say, "it will be a big change for all of us, including the new baby, but we'll get through it as a family, just like we always do. We'll all have each others' backs!"
Congrats and enjoy! It's a million times easier the second time around, even with an older child already in the family!
There is a 7 year split between DD & DS. For us it's been an ongoing transition (living he** comes to mind)...
The routine of school is going to be a Godsend but with that you may notice problems with school in terms of a regression of sorts. Start talking about things now such as "For the first few years it'll seem like I'm giving the new baby lots of attention, know that we love you just as much and did all of the same things with you when you were a baby... Babies require a lot of extra attention and there's no way to prepare for just how much that will be before their arrival.."
Just keep reinforcing that you still love him/her!!
I feel for you! My DS is my DH first child as well; DD was 8.5 when DS was born. She has been pretty amazing; I've involved her a lot in her brother's life and being mommy's helper and praising her when she helps out where I ask (such as bringing me a glass of water while I'm nursing). We've done our best to make sure DD's routine has basically stayed the same and still do activities that are age appropriate for her (taking her to an amusement park for example) and not forcing her brother on her.
I think she was more worried that we were no longer going to have movie nights together (Harry Potter fan that she is) and I reassured her that those would continue.
Keeping her involved has been key for us but also respecting her own boundaries and comfort zone (routine). Before DS was born; we also gave her room a makeover (painted an accent wall, new bedspread, rearranged the furniture) and that made her feel pretty special. Even just recently, we went back to school shopping and even though DS was with us, I made it clear that this was a shopping trip just for HER. I didn't even so much as pick up a pack of diapers at Target.
The little things are pretty important and go a long way in making an older sibling continue to feel a part of the family even though the dynamics are changing. Good luck!
My dd is 9 and I am due in March. This is dh and my first child, dd is from a previous marriage. I was concerned about the big age gap, but the more I think about it, the more at ease I am. DD has been asking for a baby since we got married! She is a great helper and I know she will love this baby. She has 2 younger siblings at her father's house, and is a big help. My only concern is giving too much responsibility to her, I don't want her feeling like she is a little mommy rather than a big sister. I have 2 nieces that are 10 years apart and the older does EVERYTHING for the younger one. But, seeing this, I think I know what not to do.
I would really just make sure your ds knows you love him just as much as the baby. And make sure to have one on one time with him after LO gets here.
Hi! I've been in almost the exact same situation. SO and I were both 17 when our daughter was born, and we had our son 8 years later.
My best advice is get your son involved! I don't know if this will work with him, but my daughter liked going to the doctor with me when I would go for my sonograms. She also loved picking out things for the nursery, folding the baby clothes, and helping out with the new baby once he arrived. It came in handy when I was dealing with a diaper change and needed an extra pair of hands.
~The Bouncing Souls
I dont really have experience with that , but just read the forum , so i thought i comment.
My SIL had her 3.child , when her sons was 7 years old , and 5.5 years old .
they took it fairly easy .
They helped a little bit too .
That is the easy way of that .
Myself i consider my sencond baby , when My Son is 4-5 .