Niece abandoned her baby!

Chocodoxies · August 2012

My niece purposely got pregnant at 17. She planned it, using test kits, then she fought to marry the boy and drop out of high school. This girl pulled off being a sweet, innocent, and virginal girl and we were all totally shocked! She had her baby prematurely, and she spent some time in the NICU. Now she has abandoned this baby. She just walked out the door one day and never returned to her daughter or husband. This is hard enough for me to handle. I would crawl on flaming glass shards across this country to have my babies back, and she just walked away, but to make it worse, my whole family is insisting that we pretend that this is not a big deal!! I can't even look at her. I can't talk to her (I just feel this shaking anger and tears rise up when she talks to me) and she is at every family gathering yammering on and on about her nails, and her first job, and how awful her husband is by holding her back from living.

I was very supportive of her through the pregnancy, but when she abandoned her I just couldn't handle it. She has no remorse and doesn't miss her DD at all. She treated this baby like a teenager would treat a puppy. Exciting for a week, and then an annoyance. She used to put her in the corner facing a wall before she abandoned her, and my SIL (who also has IF issues and feels the same as myself) and I would go hold and play with the baby. We cooed at her and cuddled her. I don't doubt this baby is better off, but I just can't stop the anger and disgust that takes me over when I am forced to listen to her talk about what she is up to now. My father insists I stay close to her because I was raised Catholic (nonpracticing) and I should be filed with love and acceptance. My mother says that we need to support her mother during this rough time since my niece is her first born and this is hard for her.

Needless to say, I have decided to opt out of family get-togethers if she is there. I won't tell others who they can and can't invite, but I just can't handle seeing her and pretending that nothing has changed. I will politely say we are unavailable. I get so upset, sick to my stomach over seeing her, about two days before any get-together because she will be there, and to avoid that I was just not going to attend. So my birthday is coming up and I have decided not to do anything. We normally get together, eat cake, and have a BBQ with the whole family. Instead I would rather be at home with my DH and DD. My mother thinks I am being hurtful to her mother, and my father feels I am not being loving and accepting. I am trying to be neither! I am trying to maintain my polite demeanor when I feel I will lose it when she starts rubbing my belly and asking about my baby and everyone pretends that this is totally normal! As my family is very close, and my niece is not at all representative of how we are as a whole, we get together all the time! My family is incredibly close, and I have no idea how to navigate this whole mess. Anyone have any advice? I'm at a total loss.

zombiemommy · August 2012

That's a very complicated situation, for sure. But honestly? I think you're handling it in the best way possible. This young woman isn't going to learn a damned thing if people simply keep coddling her and allowing her behavior to go unpunished. At the same time, since you're not her mother, you can't be the one handing out the lectures. So I think you're bridging those gaps very well, honestly. You're remaining true to yourself, not rewarding her behavior, but also not attempting to overly insert yourself into her affairs. Keep doing what you're doing. Other people might not like it, but at the end of the day you have to do what's right for yourself and your own moral center.

cmumama · August 2012

Wow. There is no way I'd be able to be in the same room as her. I don't blame you one bit for feeling the way you do and reacting the way you are. So is the baby going to be put up for adoption?

ETA: Or will she go with the dad? Is he involved in her life?

Chocodoxies · August 2012

cmumama:
Wow. There is no way I'd be able to be in the same room as her. I don't blame you one bit for feeling the way you do and reacting the way you are. So is the baby going to be put up for adoption?
ETA: Or will she go with the dad? Is he involved in her life?

Currently he is raising his daughter. He has taken a good job, and moved about an hour away so he can have his family help out. My niece however shows no interest whatsoever and has not visited at all.

weddedwife · August 2012

I think your reaction is totally justified. That would make me sick as well. So what's the deal with the baby now? Is she still living away from her H and the baby? Where is she living? Did he keep the baby or did they give it up for adoption?

I think you're probably handling this as best as you can. You can always invite the family over to gather at your place; that way you CAN control who is invited. If you want to continue having a relationship with her mother you can always make plans to meet her for lunch somewhere or something; make it clear that it's just going to be the two of you by saying something like, "I'd really like to meet you for lunch on Thursday; I'll make reservations for 2 at..."

Your father does not get to control who you keep in your life. And you can still be supportive of her mother by continuing your relationship with her outside of your niece's presence.

ETA: Ah, just saw your response about the baby. Well it sounds like the father is at least being responsible, which is good. I still feel for that poor baby though. Are you in contact with the baby's father? You may find some peace in being a support system for him if you can.

Chocodoxies · August 2012

daylights1:
What a difficult situation. It sounds like you are handling it the way you can and I totally understand having to be away right now.
Although she is young she might be battling with mental illness. Not just postpartum but some underlying illness that caused her to get pregnant in the first place. Sure teenagers do stupid things but this is a little over the top. Shows like teen mom glamorize teen pregnancy but only certain people will go that far out of their way to act on it. Hopefully someone in your family will see that she needs therapy.

I am totally in agreement with you here. My mother is in the mental health field, though it is hard to step out of the circle with your own family, and I am pretty sure that my niece is suffering with sociopathic personality disorder. She is not dangerous, she just has no conscience, no remorse, and is exhibiting all of the symptoms. I am afraid that the families insistence that we play "pretend" will result in her going years without getting help. I am trying so hard not to judge her but I have to admit that this hits me on a biological level.

carynmp · August 2012

I think that you are doing the right thing. PP's are right - you can't lecture her and she obviously is at a point where she doesn't care. I would not be able to be around her either b/c I couldn't be able to pretend that everything is ok. It's stories like this that frustrate me. I would do anything in the world to be a mother and people take it for granted. Good luck with everything and I really hope she gets the help that she needs.

bananers · August 2012

Wow, this is terrible! I am so sorry you are going through this. I agree with the others that you are handling this in the best way you can. You aren't in a position to really do anything about her situation, but you shouldn't coddle her, either, and if you're uncomfortable being around her (I would be too!), then you shouldn't have to be, end of story. I like the previous suggestion to offer to have some family things at your house so you can choose who's invited. ((hugs))

ilenegrace · August 2012

As terrible as it seems what she has done, its hard for me to judge. Also having worked in the mental health field its just really hard to say what is going on with her. I have a rather large close knit family as well. I would find it hard not to support and love her regardless if I agreed because even though what she has done what seems selfish in reality it may not selfish at all. Making a choice to walk away from her child obviously causes her great pain because she is in denial as a coping mechanism. Its just really hard to say. You don't know if she was suffering from postpartum depression or having thoughts of hurting the child and thought it was best to leave. I guess my point is that this is just a really hard situation and you can't truly know how she feels inside about it and at the end of the day she is the one that has to live with her decisions and it kind of seems pointless to abandon her as well. That being said you have to do what you feel comfortable with at the end of the day. I'm not sure if you are worried that by not saying something or doing something feels like you are condoning what she did by your silence? Maybe sending her a message saying how you feel would be the best way to face her at family gatherings? It might be a good way to open up communication with her too and let her know you are there for her if she needs to talk because you know this can't be easy for her. Hope this helps... Good luck!

rkrichey · August 2012

You are handling this better and way more maturely than I would, for sure. Good for you! I would have probably already lost it on her by now. Hopefully she will come to her senses and decide to go back to her baby but like you said, the baby is probably better off this way. It sounds like when she was there, she wasn't doing a very good job of taking care of her. I really don't have any advice, I don't know what the best thing to do in this situation would be except the things you're already doing. Good luck

damabo80 · August 2012

Honestly, you are not a mental health professional, so I wouldn't necessarily try to be nice/reach out/see what she's dealing with. Or else it's a slippery slope to being an enabler like the rest of your family.

No need to be mean to her, but it sounds as though you are handling it just as I would do. Keep your distance and when you see her, business only. Decline the events she'll be at, and invite only those who you want into your home. This has nothing to do with being a "Christian" or whatever else your parents are trying to use to guilt you into letting them make decisions about how you act.

It sounds like she's not right in the head, but it's up to you if you want to take the counselor route with her, or just cut her out of your life. No shame in either.

Poor baby. How old is the baby now?

8daysaweek · August 2012

I have a cousin who did pretty much exactly what your niece did, except that she was a little older and she kept her kids a bit longer before leaving them. She had twins at 21 and then left them when they were 2 or so? They're now being raised by her mother. My cousin is diagnosed with a mental illness.

It infuriates me to watch her pretend like she cares about her daughters whom she never talks to, sees or does anything for. She treats them like they're just toys she can use to get attention when it suits her. It makes me sick and I feel terrible for her daughters.

My cousin has been coddled by my family a lot too. I don't really play the game. I go to family events where she might be and I'm cordial but distant. I don't engage her at all if I can help it. I think you're doing the best you can.

Eveanyn · August 2012

You're handling this really well--far better than I would have, probably. I think you're doing the right thing by distancing yourself from her and not trying to help her see the horrible thing she's done. At least take some comfort in the fact that doing this is actually probably beneficial to your niece, since she won't have to be raised by someone who truly doesn't seem to care about her. If it's something you'd be interested in, I'd say give your support to the dad and try to help him through all of this.

tetiananina · August 2012

Chocodoxies:
cmumama:

Wow. There is no way I'd be able to be in the same room as her. I don't blame you one bit for feeling the way you do and reacting the way you are. So is the baby going to be put up for adoption?

ETA: Or will she go with the dad? Is he involved in her life?

Currently he is raising his daughter. He has taken a good job, and moved about an hour away so he can have his family help out. My niece however shows no interest whatsoever and has not visited at all.

Someone I grew up with from Kindergarten to Graduate in HS did the exact same thing. I can not fathom carrying your child for 9 months (in her case she was born early) and then just walking away as if that is not your child. I am glad that her Husband has stepped up and is being a true Father and raising his daughter. It's sad that her mother isn't there but it speaks numbers about her Husband.

As for your situation I think you are doing the right thing. It's not like she did something where you can just FORGET. and let it go. She walked away from HER child. I would not be able to be around her either. I wish you the best of luck and I hope you get to do Family things with out Family saying you have to invite her.

katigox · August 2012

I agree with everyone, that you are handling the situation as best as you can, and really there's nothing else to do but stand your ground. What's worse: you ignoring a few family functions if she's there? Or going to them, and possibly having your contention for her, be a bit too obvious? You are working through the emotions and like you said, it affects you on a biological level . . . the least they can do is respect it, while you are pregnant (because you certainly have enough to deal with on your own!). That's just my two cents though :P

monica92603 · August 2012

You are a far better person than I am. Your family is enabling her and that sucks. She will learn nothing from this and will probably turn around and do something like this again. I would want nothing to do w/ it and if anyone told me I should handle her w/ kid gloves then they would get an earful too. I'm happy the dad is stepping up and caring for his daughter. That makes me feel so much better that the baby is loved and will hopefully know it.

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