I didn't cry and that scares me.

Williamandshawnna · August 2012

So last night as I went to bed and closed my eyes just after midnight, I came to the realization that although I had thought about the boys throughout my day, I never once teared up or cried. Well, that thought made me cry. I could not believe that I had gone a whole day without coming very close to, or totally crying. I found myself, mad over this. And for the rest of the early morning hours I cried and my mind replayed the entire experience, from the time I felt A's cord until Baby C was born, all 18 hours played over and over in my head.

My biggest fear is that at some point in my new normal, tomorrow, next month, next year, five years from now, I will forget or not remember something about the loss of our boys. I fear I will forget dates, times, feelings.

I am sure this is part of healing. But it seems too soon.

weddedwife · August 2012

I remember this feeling. And yes, it's a normal part of the grief and healing process. You will have more and more days that you don't cry, and that's okay. You simply can't cry forever. But that doesn't mean you won't love your babies forever.

Your life doesn't end here there are happy days ahead despite what you have lost. And you deserve to have them when they come. Grief comes in waves, you just have to ride them. When the sadness comes allow yourself to feel it. At the same time you have to allow yourself the brief moments of respite from your grief when they come.

dandywarhol · August 2012

Ahh, sweetie. So sorry you're going through this. I remember that feeling as well and feeling like a horrible mother for not crying over my dead daughter. Eventually I realized that just because I'm not crying doesn't meant that I don't miss her or love her. It is just that I've become more numb and accepting of what happened. We need to accept in order to continue on with our lives.

Try to remember that grief has no timeline. You might not have cried for them yesterday but 3 days or a week from now you may cry all day. Try to be gentle with yourself. {{hugs}}

Bayberry12 · August 2012

weddedwife:
I remember this feeling. And yes, it's a normal part of the grief and healing process. You will have more and more days that you don't cry, and that's okay. You simply can't cry forever. But that doesn't mean you won't love your babies forever. Your life doesn't end here there are happy days ahead despite what you have lost. And you deserve to have them when they come. Grief comes in waves, you just have to ride them. When the sadness comes allow yourself to feel it. At the same time you have to allow yourself the brief moments of respite from your grief when they come.

I couldn't have said it better.

I remember the 1st day I didn't cry, I felt so empty and after crying for so many days I just didn't even have it in me to cry anymore. It does get easier and starts to feel a little bit "normal".

jbranden12 · August 2012

I agree with all of the above posters. It was a little shocking to me when I stopped crying every day, but I also enjoyed the moments when I could think about her and smile and be thankful for the time we had with her. I know the amount I miss her or think about her will not decrease with time, in fact it will likely increase with each wonderful experience I have with my rainbows. I fear that others will forget her, which is why I work so hard to keep her memory alive, but I know I can never forget her.

Heatherhah · August 2012

**ticker warning**

What you are feeling is normal or at least for me it was normal I felt bad when I wasn'y crying all day. I seem to think we go back wards sometimes with Grief we talk 5 steps ahead then take like 8 backwards during the grieving process. It is a terrible thing to have to deal with. I seemed to be much better around 6 months through like 9 months then I started getting super sad again. Some days are better than others early on is tough. You are normal and you will get through this.

Hugs!!

Heather

Williamandshawnna · August 2012

Ladies,

This is why I have a love hate relationship with this board. I hate that I/we have to be here and I absolutely love the support I/we get being apart of it.

Your kind words and support mean so much and help alot. I know it isn't going to be an easy or short road to my new normal, I also know I can always come here when I need to be reminded I am not going through this alone and there is an amazing group of women who know what I am feeling.

Thank you so much.

Much Love, Shawnna

frogs007 · August 2012

I don't remember the first day I didn't cry, but I do remember the first day that I couldn't remember exactly how many weeks it had been since they had died. I felt like a horrible mother and then I realized that mothers of living babies eventually stop counting weeks also. We're all doing the best we can, you're doing the best you can. You can't cry everyday forever, it's exhausting. I have really started to feel that my boys want me to be happy. That doesn't mean that I'm happy that they're not here or that I have good days every day (goodness knows I don't) it just means that they want me to find happiness. Being a mother to dead babies is tough, it is the hardest thing I think any of us will have to experience and the guilt that comes with it is just so hard. Hugs.

I didn't cry and that scares me.

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