So last night as I went to bed and closed my eyes just after midnight, I came to the realization that although I had thought about the boys throughout my day, I never once teared up or cried. Well, that thought made me cry. I could not believe that I had gone a whole day without coming very close to, or totally crying. I found myself, mad over this. And for the rest of the early morning hours I cried and my mind replayed the entire experience, from the time I felt A's cord until Baby C was born, all 18 hours played over and over in my head.
My biggest fear is that at some point in my new normal, tomorrow, next month, next year, five years from now, I will forget or not remember something about the loss of our boys. I fear I will forget dates, times, feelings.
I am sure this is part of healing. But it seems too soon.