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Pre-School and Daycare
MomEads
member
Playdate w/younger sib around etiquette question.
MomEads
member
DD#1 is old enough for playdates and DD#2 is not. When we have playdates at our house, I always tell DD#1 and her playmate that DD#2 lives here, it is her house too, and that if they do not want to include her in play that they need to play in DD#1's room. There is plenty of play space in her room and a ridiculous amount of toys, so it shouldn't be an issue. For the most part this always works out fine, except with one playmate. I'm not sure what the issue is, but she wants absolutely nothing to do with DD#2 and often times pressures DD#1 into telling DD#2 to go away and play somewhere else. Meanwhile, they are in the living room and I am there too, so I always explain again how this is her house too and she has a right to play anywhere she wants except for DD#1's bedroom. Today was especially bad to the point of when I went to the kitchen to get the girls a snack, I came back and found DD#2 sitting in the corner crying because the playmate told her to go away. (whether she asked her, told her, or yelled at her I am still not sure) I realize that I obviously need to talk to the mom (dad dropped off and picked up today), but my question is, am I wrong to set those types of boundaries for playdates? Am I wrong to say that they need to play with (or at least tolerate) the little one if they are in a common place, and that if they want alone time they need to go to the bedroom? Anyone else have a similar situation? How do you do playdates? TIA
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Re: Playdate w/younger sib around etiquette question.
I don't know why you would have a playdate for older DD1 if DD2 is not included in it when it is held at your house. Don't you want to promote socialization and sharing regardless of age? If DD2 wants to join in, you should let her.
If you don't like the arrangement, why don't the playmate's parents host it at their house?
In my elementary school years, it was very hard for me to make friends because my parents needed to know the parents as well to make a playdate happen.
My younger sister is 2 years and 9 months younger than me and is a socialite. She had one friend her age who had an older sister who was about my age and they were both invited. I was greatful for this.
If my sister's one friend came over by herself, we all played together.
I wouldn't exclude DD2 unless you want to split the playdate where for part of the playdate DD1 and guest play in her room for an hour while you and DD2 do a craft or something.
I personally would tell the girl who is being mean to DD2 that she can either include DD2 in the play or the playdate will be cut short and she can go home. Just as much as DD1 has to share her toys, she has to share her playdates with DD2.
When we do playdates, the older ones mix with the younger ones. Of course, the younger ones have a harder time keeping up, but the older ones sort of just ignore them and let them play with them.
This is a good lesson for DD1 and her friends not to exclude playmates.
Definitely overlooked this part. A parent needs to be present for a playdate or it would look like you are a free babysitter.
I appreciate your response, however, I have 2 thoughts. DD#1 is an individual and deserves alone time (with her friends) without having DD#2 around at all times. That was why the bedroom was an area where they could go to without having DD#2 follow them. We alternate where the playdates are, my house and her house. I would NEVER think to just continually dump my kid at someone else's house simply because she has a younger sister. I would hate if someone did that to me.
DD#1 is almost 5 and drop off playdates are a common thing around that age. If the parents hang around, then rather than me being a "free babysitter", I am being a "hostess" and DD#2 is still being left out because now I must entertain the parent as well. It is never a situation where we call one another and say, "Hey, I need to run some errands... can I drop off so and so at your house for a few hours?" More often, one child brings up wanting to play with the other. I'm kind of surprised to hear that others don't drop off their kids for playdates.
This was pretty much my thought, however, I wasn't sure if it would be rude to say that. In regards to your playdate situation, it sounds as though there are more than one "older" kids and "younger" kids. I think that would work out way better for us as well, however, there is usually 3 kids... 2 older kids and one younger. I think if the younger one had a playmate too, that would make everything easier. She starts school this year, so I am hoping she makes some friends!
If my youngest was too young for something or getting in the way, it is MY responsibility to help distract him. Baking is always an easy solution, plus the older kids want to help and then eat the treat too ;
Knowing this friend may not have a younger sibling at home, it might be more beneficial for you to keep your youngest busy.
I would flat out tell the girl that she is a guest and expected to be nice to DD2 or she cannot come back, or teach one or both of your girls to do so. I would also tell DD1 that is her friend is going to be mean the next time she comes will be the last because you will not allow someone to be mean to her sister and it is never ok to let others be mean to her siste or any one especially younger kids for that matter.
ETA: I would also send the kid home if you warn her and the beginning and she is mean.
DD has playdates with her best friend all the time, and it's always a drop off situation where the other parent leaves and comes back later to pick up. I don't see that as strange at all. Usually my DD will start asking about having her BFF over to play, so I'll call the mom and say "Hey, DD is really wanting to play with Olivia. We'll be home all afternoon, she's welcome to come over and play!" Then a week or 2 later she'll call and invite DD over to their house. It's fun and the girls love it.
Now that DS is getting a little older, we are running into some issues with him getting involved in their activities. My playdate rules are that all doors stay open at all times, and everyone here is allowed to play. No one is to be excluded, and that includes little brother. DD always does a good job of including him, but this one particular friend always tries to shut him out and is actually quite mean to him. She slams doors in his face, hides snack from him so he can't have any, tattles on him to try and get him in trouble (when he's not even doing anything wrong). I just make sure I keep a close eye on what's going on, and I step in and remind her of our house rules when she gets out of line. I've had issues with her before, and if this meanness to DS continues then we'll probably be inviting her over less and less. But DD will still be free to go to her house if invited.
I run into this a bit with my kids. DS1 is 5 and DS2 is 3.5. They have somewhat common friends yet most of them are primarily DS1's friends.
For drop off playdates I don't set rules about who plays with who but rather set rules about being nice to each other and considerate. I try to facilitate play that is inclusive but not force it down their throats. You know, make suggestions about playing hide 'n seek or building some structure together, stuff like that.
It's hard to see one kid left out sometimes (and it is almost always DS2) but at the same time, I don't think insisting on interaction is the way to go.
I agree with your rules about common areas being for everyone. Telling someone to 'go away' wouldn't fly with me. However, the outcome that you have described wouldn't be much different had the girls gone to the bedroom to exclude the little one. Breaks your heart it does.
If this is consistent with playdates I would make a point of doing something fun and very cool with the younger child myself while the two older girls are playing. I know that in a perfect world we would see our children playing together happily and being best friends all of the time, but that is just not reality. I have an older sister by 3 years. We did not socialize at all until we were graduated from high school. I'm sure there were many hurt feelings over the years but that's life.
I have a similar situation. My oldest DD is 5.5 yrs and about to start kindergarten; my younger DD will be 4 in Oct and starting preschool in the fall. The drop off playdates really started for DD 1 in the spring she turned 4 (1st year of preschool). Having these drop off playdates is very common in my area, once the kids start preschool. I always tell my older daughter she has to include her little sister, if she wants to play. There is one little friend where this has been an issue and I mentioned it to her nanny. I just said "they seem to be having a hard time including Emily, of course she wants to play with them, too". The nanny said she'd talk to the little friend about it.
I'm hoping this year things will be easier. The girls have opposite "stay days" at preschool/kindergarten where one will be home and the other still in school. I plan on using that time to schedule respective playdates. Also, now that my little one is starting preschool, she'll probably start going out on playdates on her own.
But to answer your question, I'm with you, it is your younger daughters house, too. She shouldn't feel excluded when her sister has friends over. If this is an ongoing issue with this little girl, mention it to mom or dad.
Drop off play dates tend to start at around age 5 or 6 depending on where you live. DD #1 who turned 6 in June had her 1st drop off play date just before her 6th b-day. The parents responding might have younger kids and you never mentioned how old your DD was.
IMHO there needs to be encouragement of good manners irregardless of playdate arrangements.
So I don't think you are wrong, to encourage others to share space with your DD#2 and I think your doing the right thing by telling them if they want "alone time" to go into the bedroom.