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Multiples
Why I'm Sad: for MoMs with Older Children
My relationship with my toddler has deteriorated significantly over the last couple months of the pregnancy and this first month of having twins. I got to the point where I couldn't take care of him anymore, couldn't really get off the floor of his room, so I couldn't put him to bed anymore, and my husband took over that job too. I couldn't carry him, couldn't snuggle with him in bed anymore, etc. All stuff that my husband could happily do. So my morning snuggles were taken over by my husband. Still, a month after the babies were born, my toddler comes running in the room, and quickly crawls over me to get to my husband, for his morning snuggles.
And I'm sick of taking care of the babies all.the.time. But does anybody offer to help take care of them so I can be with my toddler? Of course not. On his days off (and during his paternity leave), my husband hangs out with my toddler, doing all the things they used to do before the babies came. My mother in law comes over, to take my toddler back over to her house for the day. To do the fun stuff they used to do before the babies came.
While I nurse. And nurse. And deal with a screamy baby who refuses to be set down. And miss, more and more and more, all the fun stuff I used to get to do with my baby before the twins came in our life. I realize this phase is temporary, that someday I'll be done nursing and taking care of the babies all the time, and will be a mother of three awesome toddlers. But in the meantime, I can't help but be incredibly sad at the loss of my morning snuggles, of stress-free play time, of my pre-twins relationship with my toddler
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Re: Why I'm Sad: for MoMs with Older Children
IME, you won't ever have that awesome pre-twins relationship with your toddler back.
BUT, a new relationship will grow in its place, which will be equally as awesome and fun, just different.
It does get better, and easier. Can you work in some one-on-one time with DS and make your H hang out with the babies for a bit? When we were in the throes of he!!, I did bath/bed time with DD1. Didn't matter how much screaming carried up the stairs, those were our 45 minutes to be with each other and start forming our new relationship. DH was fully supportive, and his ears are no worse for the wear.
I went through something similar.....when I was in the first trimester with my twins, I was soooo sick, I couldn't do anything with my then 2.5 year old. We are very close and this was very upsetting to me. In my third trimester, it was more of the same.
My twins were born at the end of march....I stay at home but we hired a nanny right away. She comes for 8.5 hours Monday Wednesday and friday. It is the best money ever spent. I just got back from taking my son to the petting zoo while the nanny stayed with my now five month old twins. Having her has really allowed me to still spend time with him - and separate time with the twins.
Maybe you could consider getting someone just for like one day a week....
Also, I still do feel like I have maintained my "special" relationship with my son. It's probably harder for my husband actually
I definitely feel for you, more from the child-perspective. I'm the oldest of five children, and my parents had all of us about 1-2 years apart - five kids under 10yrs old isn't "multiples", but my mother never had (or, at least, never made) time for anyone besides the "baby of the year".. Everyone was always spread really thin.
Your son is young enough that he probably won't remember any of it at all... and before you know it, they'll all be able to play together. But, for now, I think you should speak up to your husband and mother in law and let them know that you need a break here and there to maybe be able to take your son out to do something while other people watch the twins. Pump or supplement for a couple of hours worth of bottles for the twins and just get out of the house with the lil man for a while.
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Oh man, that is exactly how it was when I was pregnant with my twins. My "baby" was 9 months old when we found out we were pregnant, I was on bedrest from 28 weeks on, and my little guy just completely attached himself to his dad. I was so sad that I was completely useless and I couldn't be the mom he needed or deserved. It was the same after the twins were born - my husband was the one who was meeting his needs, and the needs of my older children, because I was meeting the twins' needs.
I know it is so hard right now and you probably just feel like a dang milk cow but it does get better. Soon the babies won't be babies and you will be the mom of three awesome (and probably crazy) toddlers
Hang in there. It does get better.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I have a lot of fears over the same thing. DD and I were incredibly close, but I've been on bed rest now since 18 weeks. In a lot of ways, she is closer to DH right now and it breaks my heart. I miss that affection and attention so much. I know it will continue to be a struggle after our twins are born.
DH and I have both made a commitment to one another that at least once a week, he will go some where with DD alone and I will go some where with DD alone. It will be an activity for her, like a class of some kind, the playground, Chuck E Cheese, etc. I know that there are times it will be hard once they girls arrive, but we both feel like it's important to maintain our individual relationships with DD and to give her time that's solely focused on her. If I were you, I would go to your MIL and your DH with your concerns. Don't hold anything back and they'll see how important it is to you. Good luck and ((hugs)).
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DD1 was 17 months old when the twins were born. For the first 3-4 months after they were born, I pretty much took care of the twins and DH took care of everything else - DD1, the animals, the house, etc. I was sad, too and felt that I was missing out on time w/ DD1, but the flipside of that is that DD1 got to spend really awesome, quality time w/ daddy.
The twins will get older. They will get less needy. They'll start to go longer periods in between feeding and you will get time back w/ your toddler. And, you'll be that awesome mom who goes grocery shopping w/ 3 little kids in tow, everyone will be amazed by you (or pity you) and you will think you're supermom.
I was only able to nurse my twins for 3 wks because they were lazy BFers and weren't gaining weight. I tried pumping for a minute and then decided that my sleep was more important to me than my milk. If you have a good supply and are able/willing to do it, perhaps you can start pumping? That would allow DH to help out with the feedings and may open up some time for you to spend w/ your toddler. Just a thought.
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I agree.
It was a rough transition for me and my DS really acted out, so I was mourning the loss of time with him and wondering where my sweet boy went. I know it's hard right now, but it will get easier. When the babies are on a more predictable nap schedule you'll have one on one time with your toddler. Things won't ever be the way they were before, but you will figure out a new normal
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It was the exact same for us! I felt like I was losing DS1 during my pregnancy b/c I couldn't take care of him very well anymore, and it broke my heart. Then when the babies arrived, I was the 24/7 milk cow and DS1 was acting out and I thought I had lost my sweet little angel for good. I cried a lot, as you can imagine....
But it's so true that it will get easier! Your babies will start spacing out their feedings and taking more predictable naps. I carve out that time for 1-on-1 with DS1, and I try to include him as much as possible with the babies' care and playtime.
It's still hard, but at almost 4 months, things have gotten soooo much better! This too shall pass, don't worry. And no, it will never go back to the way things used to be, but it will become a new kind of amazing with those 3 little munchkins to love!