Secret smoking or secret life (Hubbyvent)

mommyfied · August 2012

OMG! I am so disapointed in my HB! He "stopped" smoking 3 years ago, but relapsed 2,5 years ago, then "stopped" when I got pregnant. He has been on and off ever since his relapse - but tells me that he har fully quit. Each time I can just smell it on him, his breath ect I tell him that I will not be angry if he on occation feels the need of one sigarette, but I will be disaponited, upset and sad if he lies to me. I have gone as far as told him I'd rather have him sleep with someone else than to have a smoke.

My strong feelings toward smoking has just been enhanced when we discovered LO has astma. I kind of blame HB for giving J a hard time breathing - because I know cosleeping is good for babies, and I did that untill J was about 1-2 months, when he got admitted to the hospital for not holdning in any fluids, and I also told HB that there was no more smoking - and if he HAD to he would sleep on the couch. But it turned out he did so anyway, without sleeping on the couch. He also comes home wearing "smoke"-clothes and hugs J with them on - letting J sniff it up.

And now I get to borrow his phone untill I get a new one - and I were checking if I got some new messages while it were charging - and I come over some messages he've sent earlier. Guess was numeros of them said "wanna take a smoke" "lets get a smoke" "do you want to meet for a smoke, oh wait you cant Judas". He's actually ASKING and MOCKING people with smoke. He has been super clear that everytime he has had a smoke that the coworkes pushed HIM!

I feel like this is such a dealbreaker, because I was clear from the start that smoking was a habbit that I could not handle! I feel like this is such a betrayal - espesially since he looked into my eyes on several occations promising that he didnt smoke - and he looked so sinsear. And he would get upset and angry if I continued to say that I could smell it in his breath, if I found used sigaretts outside(he said they wernt his) or anything like this. If it is that easy to lie to me about smoking - what else would he lie about. It makes me wonder if he DID have sex with that girl that says he did - but he claims he didn't..

Sorry for venting!

mommyfied · August 2012

We are also moving to another country - leaving my family behind to be with his. The deal was that he would work away for a certain matter of days and then come home to us for the same matter of days (he works on a rigg), for 6 months untill he moved with us on a daily basis in March '13. But now he has suddenly desided that he wants a job from 7-3 in the country we are moving FROM. I am so upset! I quit my school, J has quit his DC-place and we have both gotten new places to go to in the new country.. I am leaving my friends, my family and my life for him, and then he wants to stay. I cant stay with him because I have nowhere to go for school, J has no DC-place and we have 2 weeks left of our lease..

jillybean800 · August 2012

Whoa.

There is some really heavy stuff sprinkled in there...the smoking, I mean, I kind of get why he would lie. I'm not condoning it, but I have done some similar "covering my tracks" if I bought too much when I promised to cut spending, etc. But it also wouldn't have been a huge deal if I was "caught." His is more serious in that it affects LO's health, and he is not holding up his end of the bargain to stay away from LO if he does smoke. That part of the lying is the more serious part to me. It would make me question his honesty. Also, it would make me question his honesty if some random girl was apparently saying he had sex with her. Why would she say something like this out of the blue? What is the background of THAT story? I can't even think of a situation where a girl would be able to even contend that my H had sex with her...

That moving thing would really bother me. I can't believe he would be that dense to even bring up staying after you quit school and took your LO out of daycare. What do you think you are going to do about all of this? What does he say when you question him about his honesty about smoking/why he wants to stay after convincing you to move?

TripMomma · August 2012

HUGS...sounds like a really tough spot.

All I can say is if you are at all unsure about your relationship and remaining a couple then the last thing I would do is move away from your family and friends. You think you are stuck now...imagine trying to leave when you are so far from everyone you know.

Good luck.

MrsDe2008 · August 2012

wow...that's a lot of grounds to cover.

I'm sorry you are going through all of this. Unfortunately, I don't have any advice because I have no idea what I would do in your situation, but I do know I would be pretty pissed off and would have some serious reevaluating to do.

Good luck with everything and I hope it all works out.

mommyfied · August 2012

I do not want to leave the relationship. "When something's broken you fix it, not throw it away". At least I wish to come to the bottom of why he makes his decitions, and why they are the oposite of what we talked about before setting all these things up in motion.

Whenever I start to disqus something I am not pleased with he smacks my face (not litterary) with the fact that I do not have a job and that I dont bring any money in - wich is true (but in our town we have almost 5% unemployment, so all the parttimejobs get taken before they are even in the paper), but I am also a student so I cant take a fulltime job. I did however get a joboffer this weekend, but I am not sure how much I will earn yet - but his reaction was to just wave it away, because he thinks I get to exited for something "small". I just want to yell: WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? QUIT SCHOOL???

EVM1216 · August 2012

mommyfied:
I do not want to leave the relationship. "When something's broken you fix it, not throw it away". At least I wish to come to the bottom of why he makes his decitions, and why they are the oposite of what we talked about before setting all these things up in motion.

Keep in mind that when it comes to relationships it takes 2 people to fix it, not one. And it doesn't sound like YH thinks there is a problem., which clearly there is. There are trust issues, because he's clearly lying to you about the smoking thing, and not even bothering to cover his tracks well. And, if he is making these big life decisions (like not moving to another country) without discussing it with you, there is clearly a lack of respect going on.

And as for the schooling, that is an investment that your family is making in you so that down the line you can provide more for all of you. YH seems to be very closed minded about that too.

mommyfied · August 2012

EVM1216:
mommyfied:
I do not want to leave the relationship. "When something's broken you fix it, not throw it away". At least I wish to come to the bottom of why he makes his decitions, and why they are the oposite of what we talked about before setting all these things up in motion.
Keep in mind that when it comes to relationships it takes 2 people to fix it, not one. And it doesn't sound like YH thinks there is a problem., which clearly there is. There are trust issues, because he's clearly lying to you about the smoking thing, and not even bothering to cover his tracks well. And, if he is making these big life decisions (like not moving to another country) without discussing it with you, there is clearly a lack of respect going on.
And as for the schooling, that is an investment that your family is making in you so that down the line you can provide more for all of you. YH seems to be very closed minded about that too.

Thank you! We also agreed that I'd gp to school parttime so LO could spend more time at home, but now he uses that against me like "you could work more if you just got your lazy ass up in the morning and bothered to deliver J in DC" Oh. I get so angry.

And today he actually shut his phone of at work - all day! I saw it charging yesterday so it cant be flat. I'm not demotivated to move - per say - because I do want J to spend time with his fathers side of the family. If anything happens between HB and I, I will still live with MIL (if she lets me, and I think she will BC I speak more with her and her family than HB) for the amount of time she lets me, and then move back once I finnish school (june 14). I feel so sad that I actually have come to the point where I think "What if we wont stay married?", "what if J grows up a divorsechild?", "What if I cant care for my son myself?", "What if - God forbid - I dont get custody?!?!"

Want a personalized experience?

Secret smoking or secret life (Hubbyvent)

Re: Secret smoking or secret life (Hubbyvent)

Choose Another Board

Search Boards