Oh no, the book thing...

SingleMom31 · August 2012

My BFF is hosting my baby shower. I'm really grateful that she's offered and appreciate anything that she does. That being said, she mentioned the book thing (you know, ask for books instead of cards). I think it's kind of tacky to ask for someone to buy a book after they've already bought another present (I don't think that I'll get much objection to that on this board). How do I kindly ask her not to do it? I don't want to come off as being ungrateful, but I don't think that we really need 30 books and I don't want to add an extra burden to the guests.

pamiva1 · August 2012

I probably have the minority opinion, but I think you risk hurting your friend's feelings more than the guests by asking her to do it differently. She's probably been researching shower ideas and is excited to have come up with a plan. I really dont think it's a big deal to ask people to bring a book. The dollar store sells lots of books, and if they don't want to bring one, they don't have to!

RoxyLynn · August 2012

The fact that she offered doesn't necessarily mean she's committed to the idea. And you're right, you don't want to be grabby with guests. Just say you appreciate her offer, but you'd rather keep it simple.

januaryjen18 · August 2012

MandJS:

Tell her you're worried about duplicates, and once it's inscribed, it can't be returned. HOWEVER, suggest she buy one nice kids book and use it as something for all the guests to sign when they arrive, instead.

ETA: Or just send her over here to ask for wording or advice.

love that idea!!

setower05 · August 2012

MandJS:
pamiva1:
I probably have the minority opinion, but I think you risk hurting your friend's feelings more than the guests by asking her to do it differently. She's probably been researching shower ideas and is excited to have come up with a plan. I really dont think it's a big deal to ask people to bring a book. The dollar store sells lots of books, and if they don't want to bring one, they don't have to!
I want to be clear on what you're saying here: You think it's more important to avoid hurting one person's feelings than it is to avoid offending or appearing gift grabby to a large group of people? Please explain the logic.

This is just my logic, but...I thought the deal with a shower was it was gift, and you really are supposed to butt out and let the hostess plan it. So isn't it equally as rude to be dictating how your shower goes? Secondly, if people are going to be buying a card, what's the difference if the four dollars goes to a card or a book? Since its not the MTB that is asking for books, I don't think it looks gift grabby.

My cousin's mother planned her shower and did one of those "Bring a box of diapers get a raffle ticket" gigs. Was it my style? No, but I didn't see it as my cousin being "gift-grabby" at all because she didn't plan it. If people are truly offended that they have to buy a book instead of a card, they won't go to the shower or will just buy a card anyway. But why get bent out of shape about something like that? I agree that at some places you can get a book cheaper than you can get a card, anyway. Or at least the same price.

EvenAngelsFall · August 2012

SmileyGirl18:

pamiva1:
I probably have the minority opinion, but I think you risk hurting your friend's feelings more than the guests by asking her to do it differently. She's probably been researching shower ideas and is excited to have come up with a plan. I really dont think it's a big deal to ask people to bring a book. The dollar store sells lots of books, and if they don't want to bring one, they don't have to!

Agreed. This is very common in my social circle and duplicates have never been an issue. People who want to participate will, and those who don't wont. We are doing this at my shower and insert in the invite was very clear that it didn't need to be an expensive book and didn't even need to be new.

Same here. Must be a regional thing, because this has been done at 98% of baby showers I have ever gone to (and there have been many) and no one bats an eyelash or considers it gift grabby. I've ever been to showers where it was NOT planned, but multiple people showed up with books for this purpose anyway, just assuming as it is so commonplace.

morethancottoncandy · August 2012

SmileyGirl18:
pamiva1:
I probably have the minority opinion, but I think you risk hurting your friend's feelings more than the guests by asking her to do it differently. She's probably been researching shower ideas and is excited to have come up with a plan. I really dont think it's a big deal to ask people to bring a book. The dollar store sells lots of books, and if they don't want to bring one, they don't have to!

Agreed. This is very common in my social circle and duplicates have never been an issue. People who want to participate will, and those who don't wont. We are doing this at my shower and insert in the invite was very clear that it didn't need to be an expensive book and didn't even need to be new.

The fact that your invitation went into detail about how much to spend or not spend on the "extra gift" for your shower is just mind boggling to me. I cannot for the life of me fathom how this doesn't come across as just plain rude.

tiffmatt · August 2012

SingleMom31:
My BFF is hosting my baby shower. I'm really grateful that she's offered and appreciate anything that she does. That being said, she mentioned the book thing (you know, ask for books instead of cards). I think it's kind of tacky to ask for someone to buy a book after they've already bought another present (I don't think that I'll get much objection to that on this board). How do I kindly ask her not to do it? I don't want to come off as being ungrateful, but I don't think that we really need 30 books and I don't want to add an extra burden to the guests.

I just told my host "I think that is catching on enough that people who like the idea will chose to do it themselves. I don't think we need to put anything on the invitation."

jillychris · August 2012

My hostess mentioned it; I just casually said that I had already started buying books for the baby and didn't want to end up with duplicates, etc. No harm, she wasn't offended and we moved on. Just got my invite yesterday and there's no mention of books!

RoxyLynn · August 2012

SmileyGirl18:

Not everyone finds this gift grabby. In fact, since my invitations went out last week, several of my work friends have told me how excited they are to share their favorite book with out little guy,

That must be a regional difference. Around here, if you want to give a book as a baby shower gift then you just give a book as a baby shower gift, whether it's on the invitation or not.

Hmm

PurpleDrewbie5 · August 2012

RoxyLynn:
The fact that she offered doesn't necessarily mean she's committed to the idea. And you're right, you don't want to be grabby with guests. Just say you appreciate her offer, but you'd rather keep it simple.

Yeah this. Just tell her what you think about it. Be gracious and thank her profusely for doing the part. Let her know how awesome she is etc. and just tell her you would just prefer not to do the books instead of cards thing.

setower05 · August 2012

MandJS:
setower05:
MandJS:
pamiva1:
I probably have the minority opinion, but I think you risk hurting your friend's feelings more than the guests by asking her to do it differently. She's probably been researching shower ideas and is excited to have come up with a plan. I really dont think it's a big deal to ask people to bring a book. The dollar store sells lots of books, and if they don't want to bring one, they don't have to!
I want to be clear on what you're saying here: You think it's more important to avoid hurting one person's feelings than it is to avoid offending or appearing gift grabby to a large group of people? Please explain the logic.

This is just my logic, but...I thought the deal with a shower was it was gift, and you really are supposed to butt out and let the hostess plan it. So isn't it equally as rude to be dictating how your shower goes? Secondly, if people are going to be buying a card, what's the difference if the four dollars goes to a card or a book? Since its not the MTB that is asking for books, I don't think it looks gift grabby.
My cousin's mother planned her shower and did one of those "Bring a box of diapers get a raffle ticket" gigs. Was it my style? No, but I didn't see it as my cousin being "gift-grabby" at all because she didn't plan it. If people are truly offended that they have to buy a book instead of a card, they won't go to the shower or will just buy a card anyway. But why get bent out of shape about something like that? I agree that at some places you can get a book cheaper than you can get a card, anyway. Or at least the same price.
But that's not what you originally said. You said that you'd rather not offend the hostess, which implied that you WERE okay potentially offending the rest of your guests.
But more to the point, the OP here stated that she DID believe it was tacky and did not want it. Yes, a shower is a gift. But just like she has every right to decline the entire shower, here, where her hostess mentioned it, she is also completely in the right to request it not be done.

I certainly would not be "okay" with offending people. I just asked if it would be equally rude to offend the hostess. I'm just not sure if who you are potentially offending is of equal or lesser value to how many people you are offending. You and I are going to just have to accept the fact that we think differently on most topics and will have to agree to disagree. I'm comfortable with that.

pearlymerly7 · August 2012

Books can be quite expensive. At least they are where I live because we only have one book store, Sam's and Wal-Mart. If I was invited to this party and hadn't already planned on getting a book, I'd still just get a card. That being said, if you're friend told/asked you, it sounds like she wants your input a little bit. Just politely tell her what you told us. I don't like parties where the hostess dictates what gift to give, it automatically makes me want to give something else. People give gifts out of the goodness of their hearts. Not because someone else told them what to buy.

Cranang · August 2012

BURP

Cranang · August 2012

SmileyGirl18:
RoxyLynn:
SmileyGirl18:

Not everyone finds this gift grabby. In fact, since my invitations went out last week, several of my work friends have told me how excited they are to share their favorite book with out little guy,

That must be a regional difference. Around here, if you want to give a book as a baby shower gift then you just give a book as a baby shower gift, whether it's on the invitation or not.

The same holds true here. No one has to be told to buy a book. What I am saying is that they don't find it gift grabby to request a book instead of a card.

Then why the request?

Smashdance · August 2012

I'm clearly in the minority here, but I think it's a cute idea. I've only been to one shower where this was done, and on the back of the invite it was worded in a way that made it clearly optional. I noticed that people who bought large-ticket items didn't also bring a book, but again, it was optional. I love buying stuff for babies, so I brought a gift and a book.

Cranang · August 2012

SmileyGirl18:
Cranang:
SmileyGirl18:
RoxyLynn:
SmileyGirl18:

Not everyone finds this gift grabby. In fact, since my invitations went out last week, several of my work friends have told me how excited they are to share their favorite book with out little guy,

That must be a regional difference. Around here, if you want to give a book as a baby shower gift then you just give a book as a baby shower gift, whether it's on the invitation or not.

The same holds true here. No one has to be told to buy a book. What I am saying is that they don't find it gift grabby to request a book instead of a card.

Then why the request?

If someone wants to buy a book as a the gift, they are going to buy it. If they weren't planning to buy a book as the gift, with the request instead of card, they can include a paperback or used version of their favorite book as well when they hadn't thought of it. Again, just a request. Not a mandate or entry fee into the shower.

I'll ask again...why the request?

Cranang · August 2012

oops

EvenAngelsFall · August 2012

Why request...?

Just because. No good reason. Why do you do anything at a shower? Why make a hat of bows? Why play that stupid bingo game? Why have a registry at all? Why does the mom get a corsage?

Lot's of shower *traditions* are just that... silly, empty traditions. Hosts can and should feel free to pick among them what they think the guests would mesh well with. As for the book concept... If they come from a region where its common place, cool beans. If it's offensive, skip it.

At the end of the day it's a book, not a semester of college.

EvenAngelsFall · August 2012

MandJS:
But then, why not just put books or make a note about wanting books on the registry? I guess that's my issue. Statements about gifts really don't belong on invitations, in any scenario. Yes, I'm one of the people who gets a bit twitchy when even registry info is listed on a shower invite, but I also accept that it's become common, and it's convenient for people.

Honestly I think it's 6 of one... half dozen of the other. No matter where you 'put it' the message is still getting across. If someone is going to be put off by it, they'll be put off by it no matter where the request is received from.

EvenAngelsFall · August 2012

MandJS:
I guess this is where we're going to disagree. I would be put off by it on the invitation. However, if I chose to view the registry and consider buying off of it, then I clearly WANT suggestions from the MTB of what gifts they want or need. I don't find it off putting if it's located in the registry or verbally mentioned by the hostess if/when someone asks.

I guess we do. Sad

But like I said, this is such a common thing around NY/NJ. If I saw something truly random and funky on the invite like "Mom requests only green gifts and any wrapping paper be biodegradable" I'd totally be put off by it. I'd be put off by that note on a registry too though!

(And I'm pretty sure I've seen that request mentioned on here before too!)

Cranang · August 2012

A registry isn't a mandate. It's a list of things a woman would like for her baby, but as long as you show up with a gift, no one is going to say "oh she didn't get that from the registry." However, if you're the only person who doesn't participate in the "book instead of card" thing, it will be obvious that you didn't purchase the additional gift.

Still, no one has answered the question--why even bother to "request" this and put guests on the spot? If they want to buy a book, don't you think they will? A hat out of bows doesn't cost the guest extra money. A corsage for the MTB only costs the host something, not the guests. Playing silly games don't cost the guests extra money.

Cranang · August 2012

SmileyGirl18:
Cranang:
SmileyGirl18:
Cranang:
SmileyGirl18:
RoxyLynn:
SmileyGirl18:

Not everyone finds this gift grabby. In fact, since my invitations went out last week, several of my work friends have told me how excited they are to share their favorite book with out little guy,

That must be a regional difference. Around here, if you want to give a book as a baby shower gift then you just give a book as a baby shower gift, whether it's on the invitation or not.

The same holds true here. No one has to be told to buy a book. What I am saying is that they don't find it gift grabby to request a book instead of a card.

Then why the request?

If someone wants to buy a book as a the gift, they are going to buy it. If they weren't planning to buy a book as the gift, with the request instead of card, they can include a paperback or used version of their favorite book as well when they hadn't thought of it. Again, just a request. Not a mandate or entry fee into the shower.

I'll ask again...why the request?

Because it is cute and fun and accepted in many regions and social circles. Why not make the request if guests embrace it?

I understand that you don't like it. But, both of our opininions carry the same weight. If someone finds it tacky or gift grabby, they don't have to participate or go to the shower at all. It seems pretty simple to me and I really don't understand why there such passionate reactions against it.

If the guests embrace it so much, then wouldn't they think of it themselves?

I just fail to see what is cute or fun (except to the recipient of the gift, who gets something for free) about requesting the guest of a party to spend more money.

And as far as the "don't have to participate" argument, why is it OK to single someone else? No, they don't have to, but they will feel awkward if they're the only ones who don't. Isn't the rule to make all guests as comfortable as possible?

Cranang · August 2012

I have more pride than to bring a cheap-a$$ book that probably isn't worth the paper it's printed on. If this is supposed to be a keepsake, which seems to be the point, guests are going to feel inclined to get a nicer book. And frankly I think it's shocking to suggest that someone bring a used gift. Who in their right mind would take a host up on that offer?

Aleja0918 · August 2012

Cranang:

Still, no one has answered the question--why even bother to "request" this and put guests on the spot? If they want to buy a book, don't you think they will?

This. I just don't see the point. Even if you make no mention of it, those who want to buy a book still will. Other guests just won't have to be suckered into an additional expense.

Cranang · August 2012

SmileyGirl18:
Cranang:
SmileyGirl18:
Cranang:
SmileyGirl18:
Cranang:
SmileyGirl18:
RoxyLynn:
SmileyGirl18:

Not everyone finds this gift grabby. In fact, since my invitations went out last week, several of my work friends have told me how excited they are to share their favorite book with out little guy,

That must be a regional difference. Around here, if you want to give a book as a baby shower gift then you just give a book as a baby shower gift, whether it's on the invitation or not.

The same holds true here. No one has to be told to buy a book. What I am saying is that they don't find it gift grabby to request a book instead of a card.

Then why the request?

If someone wants to buy a book as a the gift, they are going to buy it. If they weren't planning to buy a book as the gift, with the request instead of card, they can include a paperback or used version of their favorite book as well when they hadn't thought of it. Again, just a request. Not a mandate or entry fee into the shower.

I'll ask again...why the request?

Because it is cute and fun and accepted in many regions and social circles. Why not make the request if guests embrace it?

I understand that you don't like it. But, both of our opininions carry the same weight. If someone finds it tacky or gift grabby, they don't have to participate or go to the shower at all. It seems pretty simple to me and I really don't understand why there such passionate reactions against it.

If the guests embrace it so much, then wouldn't they think of it themselves?

I just fail to see what is cute or fun (except to the recipient of the gift, who gets something for free) about requesting the guest of a party to spend more money.

And as far as the "don't have to participate" argument, why is it OK to single someone else? No, they don't have to, but they will feel awkward if they're the only ones who don't. Isn't the rule to make all guests as comfortable as possible?

As I said before. Niether guests or the MTB keep track of who participated. Do guests keep track of who bought a cute card versus a generic card? No one cares!

Aren't all gifts and cards free to the MTB? You don't need to spend more than you would have spent on a card.

As the mother to be opens the gifts, she'd start with the "book card." "Oh, this is from Mary. Look, The Cat in the Hat!!" Thank you so much" Next. "Oh this is from Annie. Oh, Goodnight Moon! How sweet!" Next "Oh this is from Cranang" Cranang then feels uncomfortable that there's no book to show off.

Cranang · August 2012

SmileyGirl18:

Cranang:
I have more pride than to bring a cheap-a$$ book that probably isn't worth the paper it's printed on. If this is supposed to be a keepsake, which seems to be the point, guests are going to feel inclined to get a nicer book. And frankly I think it's shocking to suggest that someone bring a used gift. Who in their right mind would take a host up on that offer?

Then that is on you, not the request. You can get adorable Dr. Suess paperback books for under $5 at Target, same price as a card. I don't find Dr. Suess cheap-a$$ at all. All Golden books are also under $5. Are they not worth the paper they are printed on?

Again, this isn't the gift. It is just a cute extra, like a card, but more useful. I think that is where we don't see eye to eye.

"A cute EXTRA." This is the problem. Asking for "extras" is impolite.

Again, this is supposed to be a keepsake. If I'm inscribing something that's going to be kept for a long time, I'm not going to get a paperback that has a tendency to fall apart after any sort of use.

Cranang · August 2012

MandJS:
SmileyGirl18:

Cranang:
I have more pride than to bring a cheap-a$$ book that probably isn't worth the paper it's printed on. If this is supposed to be a keepsake, which seems to be the point, guests are going to feel inclined to get a nicer book. And frankly I think it's shocking to suggest that someone bring a used gift. Who in their right mind would take a host up on that offer?

Then that is on you, not the request. You can get adorable Dr. Suess paperback books for under $5 at Target, same price as a card. I don't find Dr. Suess cheap-a$$ at all. All Golden books are also under $5. Are they not worth the paper they are printed on?

Again, this isn't the gift. It is just a cute extra, like a card, but more useful. I think that is where we don't see eye to eye.

Actually, I think the part where you and cranang don't see eye to eye is on the part about why you bother with the request anyway. ESPECIALLY in your circumstances, where you mentioned that all your friends do it, anyway. At least... that's where my issue lies. If I want to get someone a cute extra, I will. I don't need to be advised that this would be a cute extra thing to do. I just do it because I want to.

Exactly!! No one has addressed that. Frankly I think it's kind of condescending. If it's such an awesome thing that people love to do, why do you have to request it?

setower05 · August 2012

If it is requested that guests bring books and not cards, and someone is so offended that she chooses to buy a card anyway, I'm willing to believe she wouldn't embarrassed at all if when her gift was opened it was one of the few cards among books. Why would she care what these people think of her if she already offended by what the hostess/MTB are doing by asking for books? As adults I'm sure most guests have the fortitude to buy what they are comfortable with and stand by their choices.

I also would like to think that if the MTB did come across a card instead of a book, she'd have more grace than to call attention to every book with a big hoopla and announcing the title, with the understanding that every gift may not come with a book. If it was a card, hopefully she would not respond with, "Just a card? Wohhhh wohhhh." She could just open the books as if they were in fact cards and say, "This is from Jill. Thank you," and then open the gift and thank her privately in the TY note for the book as well.

However, I recognize all of this is a moot point. The OP already said she was uncomfortable with the idea and is unlikely to have to contend with any of this because she won't have it at her shower. But my husband works nights and I'm home alone until the wee hours usually, so I thought I'd join in! Smile

Cranang · August 2012

SmileyGirl18:
MandJS:
SmileyGirl18:

Cranang:
I have more pride than to bring a cheap-a$$ book that probably isn't worth the paper it's printed on. If this is supposed to be a keepsake, which seems to be the point, guests are going to feel inclined to get a nicer book. And frankly I think it's shocking to suggest that someone bring a used gift. Who in their right mind would take a host up on that offer?

Then that is on you, not the request. You can get adorable Dr. Suess paperback books for under $5 at Target, same price as a card. I don't find Dr. Suess cheap-a$$ at all. All Golden books are also under $5. Are they not worth the paper they are printed on?

Again, this isn't the gift. It is just a cute extra, like a card, but more useful. I think that is where we don't see eye to eye.

Actually, I think the part where you and cranang don't see eye to eye is on the part about why you bother with the request anyway. ESPECIALLY in your circumstances, where you mentioned that all your friends do it, anyway. At least... that's where my issue lies. If I want to get someone a cute extra, I will. I don't need to be advised that this would be a cute extra thing to do. I just do it because I want to.

Because it is fun, nothing more than that. My whole shower theme is books and it is a fun way to celebrate the theme.

Couldn't you also say it is rude to have games and make everyone participate? What if I don't like making babies out of pieces of chewing gum? Or I find it offensive that I can't say the word baby without everyone yelling saying that I lose my clothespin? The difference is that if you don't participate in a game, it is much more obvious that the card/book you choose to bring. At the end of the day, games are fun too. Again, I don't understand the negative passion around this.

The clothespin thing doesn't cost the guest money. The chewing gum doesn't cost the guest money. Requesting more stuff does cost the guest money.

And I don't understand the positive passion around this. Mainly, because if you don't do the book thing, you run the risk of offending no one and no one is put on the spot. If you do it, there is a risk of making someone feel uncomfortable. Why gamble on that? You say "well they don't have to come." These are people that you feel close enough with to want them at your baby shower. It comes off as pretty crappy to say "well, I'm doing this and if they don't like it, they don't have to show up."

And again, and I guess this hasn't been answered because there is no answer for it, but if your "circle" thinks it's such a good idea, isn't the request redundant? So why do it?

angielayne926 · August 2012

MandJS:

Tell her you're worried about duplicates, and once it's inscribed, it can't be returned. HOWEVER, suggest she buy one nice kids book and use it as something for all the guests to sign when they arrive, instead.

ETA: Or just send her over here to ask for wording or advice.

This is what I told my sister. She was a little disappointed because she thought it was "Such a cute idea." I suggested that we can get books to use as centerpieces for the tables since she wants to do a book theme and then we can let the guests write messages to LO in them during the shower.

Liz4444 · August 2012

SmileyGirl18:
MandJS:
SmileyGirl18:

Cranang:
I have more pride than to bring a cheap-a$$ book that probably isn't worth the paper it's printed on. If this is supposed to be a keepsake, which seems to be the point, guests are going to feel inclined to get a nicer book.  And frankly I think it's shocking to suggest that someone bring a used gift.  Who in their right mind would take a host up on that offer?

Then that is on you, not the request.  You can get adorable Dr. Suess paperback books for under $5 at Target, same price as a card.  I don't find Dr. Suess cheap-a$$ at all.  All Golden books are also under $5.  Are they not worth the paper they are printed on?

Again, this isn't the gift.  It is just a cute extra, like a card, but more useful.  I think that is where we don't see eye to eye. 

 

Actually, I think the part where you and cranang don't see eye to eye is on the part about why you bother with the request anyway. ESPECIALLY in your circumstances, where you mentioned that all your friends do it, anyway. At least... that's where my issue lies. If I want to get someone a cute extra, I will. I don't need to be advised that this would be a cute extra thing to do. I just do it because I want to. 

Because it is fun, nothing more than that.  My whole shower theme is books and it is a fun way to celebrate the theme. 

Couldn't you also say it is rude to have games and make everyone participate?  What if I don't like making babies out of pieces of chewing gum? Or I find it offensive that I can't say the word baby without everyone yelling saying that I lose my clothespin?  The difference is that if you don't participate in a game, it is much more obvious that the card/book you choose to bring.  At the end of the day, games are fun too.  Again, I don't understand the negative passion around this. 

How is my spending extra money on you fun for me?

BeckyTheEngineer · August 2012

My experience: I got invited to a book shower, but I had already purchased (and made) my gift. BRU is an hour away, so I shopped early on another trip, before invites went out. I had already spent the amount I wanted to, and then I was "invited" to spend more. If you have small children, you would know that paper books are terrible for children under 2, and therefore a useful gift would not be a $1 book. I went to the shower with no book, and felt like a cheapskate jerk. I left early, because I felt really awkward during the gift opening.

This is why book showers are a bad idea.

littleredfish · August 2012

Cranang:
MandJS:
SmileyGirl18:

Cranang:
I have more pride than to bring a cheap-a$$ book that probably isn't worth the paper it's printed on. If this is supposed to be a keepsake, which seems to be the point, guests are going to feel inclined to get a nicer book. And frankly I think it's shocking to suggest that someone bring a used gift. Who in their right mind would take a host up on that offer?

Then that is on you, not the request. You can get adorable Dr. Suess paperback books for under $5 at Target, same price as a card. I don't find Dr. Suess cheap-a$$ at all. All Golden books are also under $5. Are they not worth the paper they are printed on?

Again, this isn't the gift. It is just a cute extra, like a card, but more useful. I think that is where we don't see eye to eye.

Actually, I think the part where you and cranang don't see eye to eye is on the part about why you bother with the request anyway. ESPECIALLY in your circumstances, where you mentioned that all your friends do it, anyway. At least... that's where my issue lies. If I want to get someone a cute extra, I will. I don't need to be advised that this would be a cute extra thing to do. I just do it because I want to.

Exactly!! No one has addressed that. Frankly I think it's kind of condescending. If it's such an awesome thing that people love to do, why do you have to request it?

I think this point sums up the issue completely. If books are supposed to be a "cute replacement" of the general card, why would you have to request it if it is so common in your social circle? I don't have to write a cutesy poem on my invites asking my guests to include a card with their gift, they do it because it is common and they want to. I have had people just write their name on the wrapping paper or bag, but 99% of people brought a card because they wanted to. So why ask for the extra if it is so unnecessary to do so? Do the cute little rhymes make you feel better about trying to squander more from your guests? I don't understand the justification being "it's fun and cute"...for you maybe?

Cranang · August 2012

BeckyTheEngineer:

My experience: I got invited to a book shower, but I had already purchased (and made) my gift. BRU is an hour away, so I shopped early on another trip, before invites went out. I had already spent the amount I wanted to, and then I was "invited" to spend more. If you have small children, you would know that paper books are terrible for children under 2, and therefore a useful gift would not be a $1 book. I went to the shower with no book, and felt like a cheapskate jerk. I left early, because I felt really awkward during the gift opening.

This is why book showers are a bad idea.

THANK YOU so much for posting this. Seriously, I'm sorry you had to go through that, because I know how awkward I'd feel in that situation. But supposedly, this scenario never happens. Well folks, here is proof of the issues it might cause.

setower05 · August 2012

SmileyGirl18:
Cranang:
SmileyGirl18:
MandJS:
SmileyGirl18:

Cranang:
I have more pride than to bring a cheap-a$$ book that probably isn't worth the paper it's printed on. If this is supposed to be a keepsake, which seems to be the point, guests are going to feel inclined to get a nicer book. And frankly I think it's shocking to suggest that someone bring a used gift. Who in their right mind would take a host up on that offer?

Then that is on you, not the request. You can get adorable Dr. Suess paperback books for under $5 at Target, same price as a card. I don't find Dr. Suess cheap-a$$ at all. All Golden books are also under $5. Are they not worth the paper they are printed on?

Again, this isn't the gift. It is just a cute extra, like a card, but more useful. I think that is where we don't see eye to eye.

Actually, I think the part where you and cranang don't see eye to eye is on the part about why you bother with the request anyway. ESPECIALLY in your circumstances, where you mentioned that all your friends do it, anyway. At least... that's where my issue lies. If I want to get someone a cute extra, I will. I don't need to be advised that this would be a cute extra thing to do. I just do it because I want to.

Because it is fun, nothing more than that. My whole shower theme is books and it is a fun way to celebrate the theme.

Couldn't you also say it is rude to have games and make everyone participate? What if I don't like making babies out of pieces of chewing gum? Or I find it offensive that I can't say the word baby without everyone yelling saying that I lose my clothespin? The difference is that if you don't participate in a game, it is much more obvious that the card/book you choose to bring. At the end of the day, games are fun too. Again, I don't understand the negative passion around this.

The clothespin thing doesn't cost the guest money. The chewing gum doesn't cost the guest money. Requesting more stuff does cost the guest money.

And I don't understand the positive passion around this. Mainly, because if you don't do the book thing, you run the risk of offending no one and no one is put on the spot.  If you do it, there is a risk of making someone feel uncomfortable. Why gamble on that? You say "well they don't have to come." These are people that you feel close enough with to want them at your baby shower. It comes off as pretty crappy to say "well, I'm doing this and if they don't like it, they don't have to show up."

And again, and I guess this hasn't been answered because there is no answer for it, but if your "circle" thinks it's such a good idea, isn't the request redundant? So why do it?
No the clothespin doesn't cost any money, it just dictates what the guests can say and the chewing gum will point out their lack of creativity.
Again and for the last time. A book doesn't have cost more money than a card and a book isn't a ticket for admission. You have ignored my examples of nice books that cost the same as a card, yet you still say it costs more money.
No one forces to anyone to go anything to they don't want to go to. I don't go events if I am not comfortable with the situation, whatever it may be. You are right, these are people who I am close enough to invite to a baby shower. That means that I know they are not offended by the request. That also means they know me well enough to know I wouldn't think twice if they didn't participate.
I don't have positive passion around this. I am not demanding that everyone do this at their showers. You are saying it is wrong and it should never be done. Clearly this isn't something you would want done at a shower for you and I am not saying your opinion is wrong. At the same time, me accepting and embracing the idea doesn't make me wrong.

Yes

rhubarb123 · August 2012

MandJS:

Tell her you're worried about duplicates, and once it's inscribed, it can't be returned. HOWEVER, suggest she buy one nice kids book and use it as something for all the guests to sign when they arrive, instead.

ETA: Or just send her over here to ask for wording or advice.

I agree with this. Although, you might want to buy a book yourself for this purpose - tell her it is a special book to you and you'd like everyone to sign it instead of bringing their own.

rhubarb123 · August 2012

I have read the other posts and this my take on the whole book thing. Whether the hostess wants to admit it or not they ARE telling guests what to buy. That is rude - it is the guest's money...who are YOU to tell them what to do with it. I'm sure this is not something that is in the etiquette books - although telling guests how to spend their money is.

I'm amazed at the people who have not heard of this before. It is not a new idea.

I do not like it but if I get an invite that requests this I go along - to a point. I will purchase a book to be added to a gift off the registry but I also deduct the amount of the book from the amount of the actually gift. I also never ever sign the book. I was taught to not deface a book so I don't. They will open a card from me. If they get duplicates they an always return the book I got them since there is no writing in it.

mollybloom · August 2012

If you are not comfortable with it, tell her. Just say that you prefer cards or that you don't want your guests to have to go to a baby store and a book store. SHe should understand. Not everyone is into this idea. Even if it is common in your circle, you can still make your wishes known.

It is really common in my circle, but I asked my mother to make sure that MIL did not put it on the invites and told her that I just wasn't comfortable with it. It didn't turn in to a problem.

mollybloom · August 2012

SmileyGirl18:
EvenAngelsFall:

MandJS:
I guess this is where we're going to disagree. I would be put off by it on the invitation. However, if I chose to view the registry and consider buying off of it, then I clearly WANT suggestions from the MTB of what gifts they want or need. I don't find it off putting if it's located in the registry or verbally mentioned by the hostess if/when someone asks.

I guess we do.

But like I said, this is such a common thing around NY/NJ. If I saw something truly random and funky on the invite like "Mom requests only green gifts and any wrapping paper be biodegradable" I'd totally be put off by it. I'd be put off by that note on a registry too though!

(And I'm pretty sure I've seen that request mentioned on here before too!)

Very common in Southern CA as well. I was also a shower last year in Golden, CO that did this.

I am from Metro NY and it is relaly common here. I didn't do it, cause I am not into it, but I don't get the least it offended if someone else's shower invite has the book thing on it. There are things I can annoyed at, this is not one of them.

maiatene · August 2012

Smashdance:
I'm clearly in the minority here, but I think it's a cute idea. I've only been to one shower where this was done, and on the back of the invite it was worded in a way that made it clearly optional. I noticed that people who bought large-ticket items didn't also bring a book, but again, it was optional. I love buying stuff for babies, so I brought a gift and a book.

No you're not. I think the way the it is worded is key and to your point those who dont want to bring a book dont have to. I have been to showers where the book was a wishing well gift and completely optional. Every shower I go to whether asked or not I give a gift as well as a book or two because personally literacy and reading to your child are more important to me than daddy's little princess onsies. There are many other things I can be offended by and this doesnt even make the list.

Want a personalized experience?

Oh no, the book thing...

Re: Oh no, the book thing...

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