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TTC after 35
Llamamama
member
Please forgive me I just HAVE to vent a little...
Llamamama
member
in TTC after 35
Hi all.. I REALLY hate dumping this on all of you but I am miserable and have to get some of this out of my system before I take it out on people IRL. I used to have IRL friends to vent to but I no longer can. They either just had babies or they are done having kids and think I am crazy to be TTC.. and then there is my dh who is scared to death he will say something that will make me cry so we just don't talk much about anything TTC related.
Anyway.... I feel completely broken by this whole process. Perhaps it is the date. I never thought in a million years I would STILL be TTC after 3 yrs. After yesterday's crushing blow (see below re: my almost appt for the HSG) I just don't know what to do. Dh said he hopes to have the extra cash by the end of the year--more waiting for something that might tell me NOTHING. 
And while I wait I just get OLDER. I know being 40 1/2 yrs old does not have to be a TTC stopping point but it sure feels like a lost cause. 
And I am SO jealous! I used to see babies and pg women and just smile because I knew that would be me very soon. Now I just can't even look at them and when I am forced to (newborn over Dad's shoulder RIGHT in front of me in line on the weekend) I have to fight the tears as to not publicly embarrass myself. Even know as I think of that moment I am teary..and this needs to stop!
If you read this far, thanks for letting me get this out so I can function the rest of the week!
Me: 40 Dh: 41, TTC since August 2009, began Acupuncture and Herbs Sept 2011, began Temping and Charting Nov 2011.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Please forgive me I just HAVE to vent a little...
((Hugs)) I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. I think a lot of us can relate. I think anniversaries are particularly hard because we are just reminded of all those hopes we had, and 3 years is an incredibly long time to be striving for something that shouldn't have been a long term thing. It would be unusual for it not to take a toll on your psyche.
Vent all you want. Sometimes just venting can be helpful when there really isn't anything that anyone can say that will make things better.
Take care of yourself and your DH and son.
I'm so sorry Llama. It just sucks and I know how you feel. I get angry/jealous when I am standing in line somewhere and see a family with a bunch of kids. Why is so hard for some of us?
Why can't you use the credit card for the HSG? Was it all types or just the "care" one?
TTC #1 since 8/1/10; Me:41 and BRCA1+, DH:46
DOR (FSH 24.3)/ terrible egg quality ; homozygous MTHFR c677t
5 IUI's: 2/11 to 6/11 and 1/12= BFN
OE IVF#1-4 8/11-6/12= all BFN
DE IVF#1 11/12 bad embryos= BFN
DE IVF #2 2/13 BFP/Beta hell: m/c 5w6d
CFNBC 7 months, not doing well; decided on guarantee program at RBA w/frozen DE
DE IVF #3 1/14 ET 4BB; BFP;M/C 5w1d, incomplete m/c; MVA extraction in ER 7w1d
DE FET#1 ET 3/1714; BFP, beta 1 3/27= 197, beta 2 3/31= 1586, beta 3 4/7= 13879!!
First u/s= Twins with HBs at 6w2d! We are Team Pink x 2!!
K & K born 11/21/14 at 38wks 4 days
SAIF/PAIF Welcome
http://waitingforraintostop.wordpress.com
I know there's not much I can say to make you feel better. I do understand though and what you are feeling is normal. I spent last Friday morning around 4 pregnant women (all in their 1st tri) and 1 w/a newborn....I was so jealous of these women who 1) got pregnant so easily and 2) could talk about their plans for their babies like being pregnant now guarantees a healthy baby in the end.
I truly hope somewhere you find some peace in all of this.
Also, I saw your credit card was declined as a payment option...is a short term low interest loan from your bank/credit union a possibility?
DD born 12.21.09, conceived w/ injects and IUI
TTC#2 since Nov 2011
BFP 2.6.12 m/c 6w5d | BFP 5.25.12 c/p
-Back to the RE-
3 medicated IUIs, all BFN
-Taking a break from treatment-
BFP 11.20.12 ~ EDD 7.28.13
My Chart
I am considering the credit card but because my business is super slow right now dh does not want to risk using it for this and then needing it for financial emergencies.. and we have a high balance already so there is not much left to use. I know we should be better financially before trying to have a baby but I just feel like the money will come eventually and I just don't have much time left to waste..KWIM?
Oh Llama...we are all here for you...no need to apologize. I am so sorry things can't be easier for you. It'a such a shame that $ is the culprit. I really don't know what to say to make you feel a bit better. Big hugs girl
ME:46 MH:44 DE IVF 2014
Met with RE 4/11. 2 IUI's BFN. DE best option. Switched clinics to do "shared" program. Had to retake all tests and a mamm that put me behind and then on a DE waiting list for 12 months. Picked a donor!! (10/13/13) Got matched. Estimated transfer in December. After 2.5 years of patiently waiting I will finally cycle....can hardly believe it. DE cycle got cancelled. One of her tests came back positive. Waiting for another donor. Donor picked!! (1/18/14)
DE IVF #1 (4/26) BFN DE FET #1 (6/4) BFP! Beta 1=339 Beta 2=852 Beta 3=9957 EDD 2/22/15!!
BFP #1 - missed m/c 4.18.11 found @8w3d, d&c @13w
BFP #2 blighted ovum found 8.2011 @8w, misoprostol
BFP#3 - missed m/c 6.11.12 @ 9w3d, d&c revealed extra chromosome 15
BFP#4 8.10.12, DD born 4/26/13
I can definitely relate to how you are feeling. With the failure of my latest "end of the line" cycle (I say this because it seems like everyone looks to DE as the last ray of hope), I am slowly coming to the realization that I might never have a child.
You do have time, though. GL, I hope that you can work things out.
DOR and AMA
2/12-5/12: 4 IUI cycles = all BFN;
7/12: DE IVF # 1 (with ICSI)- 20R, 16M, 14F, 5DT of 2 blasts; 6 frosties = BFN;
Lupus anticoagulant initially high, then found to be normal on hematology consult;
Follow up testing in September all clear;
Started synthroid for "high normal" TSH;
FET # 1- late October 2012- BFP on FRER; beta # 1- 21(low), beta # 2- 48 (still low), beta # 3- 132, beta # 4- 1,293; beta # 5- 5,606; last beta- over 100,000. First u/s 11/21- heard heartbeat
12/12- Officially an OB patient!
Level 2 ultrasound at 20 weeks shows vasa previa and VCI
Referral to MFM and mandatory c section for delivery
Beautiful baby girl born at 34 weeks
Finally home after 15 day NICU stay!
Trying for sibling: FET # 2- May 2014; beta 5/31, BFN
FET #3, early July 2014; beta 7/14, BFN
DE IVF # 2- August 2014; 14R, 13M, 11F, 5dt of 2 blasts (3 AA), 5 frosties = BFN
FET #4- December 2014, yet another BFN
Dr. KK work up shows borderline uterine blood flow, elevated NK cells, and MTHFR mutation (homozygous for c677t)
Added baby aspirin, prednisone, supplements, Metanx, and intralipids
Switched to large clinic for final attempt; had endometrial receptivity testing in January; FET March 2015 = yet another BFN
Likely OAD- NBC
Certaintly no apologies needed, vent away. You've been on a long road and have held up remarkably under the circumstances. Some times I dream about winning the lottery just so I wouldn't have to be stressed about the finances fertility treatments. I could try as long as I wanted without any care about how much it costs. I hope you can figure something out so you can get the HSG.
Me 41 DH 46 Not actively ttc, surprise BFP on 1/6/11! 4/1/11 m/c our sunshine at 16wks after complications from CVS test. TTC #2 **5th cycle 12/6/11 BFP! Missed m/c at 9 weeks 1/21/12, trisomy 14. Two Chemical PG 3/12&7/12
** BFP 8/16/12 beta #1 148! beta#2 407 beta #3 4000 u/s 9.10 1 lovely hb 126, Baby Boy is due 04/28/13!!
Beyond ridiculous, most people would be planning vacations, buying houses, (my DH included) I would be dreaming about the unlimited access to ivf cycles that I would get, just sad..lol
Me 41 DH 46 Not actively ttc, surprise BFP on 1/6/11! 4/1/11 m/c our sunshine at 16wks after complications from CVS test. TTC #2 **5th cycle 12/6/11 BFP! Missed m/c at 9 weeks 1/21/12, trisomy 14. Two Chemical PG 3/12&7/12
** BFP 8/16/12 beta #1 148! beta#2 407 beta #3 4000 u/s 9.10 1 lovely hb 126, Baby Boy is due 04/28/13!!
Llama - have you ever thought of sharing your concerns and journey with your RE or other doctor? You have been through so much so far and financials are a big obstacle for you. I just wonder if they would have some ideas - either loopholes in the system, a program they can set you up on, a suggestion for financial aid that you may not be aware of - they may even cut you a deal - who knows!
Anyway - I'm sorry
I have considered shopping around but I am fortunate to get 50% coverage thru my insurance so my $500 pmt really is only HALF of what the cost would be for my RE. I can't imagine I will find a better deal having to pay completely OOP.
I'm sorry this process has been so long for you - doesn't seem fair. I can related to getting older - I started this process at 35 now I'm 37 in two months with one IVF cyle that failed and RE that told us we should give up trying. IF is so frustrating and I like you am so jealous of pregnant women - I've tried to just go to work (where one of my co-workers just recently had a baby and there's a huge banner in front of her cube
and go to gym - but tonight I was working out and had a woman in front of me that was working out on the treadmill she turned around and was "very pregnant" I almost lost it right there in the middle of the gym. Don't give up - I'm hoping you find a way around this HSG obstacle very soon.
Me 38 MH 41 - TTC since June 2010 - dx with Severe MFI. Straight to IVF with ICSI. IVF #1 - ER 06/13/12 - 9 Eggs Retrieved - 4 ICSI'd - only 2 fert. 06/15/12 - 2DT - 3 cell & 6 cell with fragmentation. Beta 06/29/12 - IVF #1 = BFN. 07/20/12 - WTF Appt -Told by our RE to quit IVF. Second Opinion from RE is good. IVF#2 - November 2012. Estradiol Pills Started 11/6. Stims start 11/16. ER 11/26 - 7 eggs retrieved - all mature. 4 fertilized with ICSI. ET 11/29 Transferred 3 embryos. Beta is 12/10. 1st Beta 81 2nd Beta 160 and 3rd beta 360!!! First U/S 12/21/12 - We saw one beautiful gest. sac. 2nd U/S is 01/04/2013 - H/B 183 02/05/13 - NT Scan - everything looks good and IT'S A BOY! Aiden was born 08/20/2013.
IVF #2 is in progress. ER was 05/12/14 - 11 eggs retrieved, 8 fertilized with ICSI. ET was 05/15/14 - we transferred 3 embryos as we did on the cycle my son was conceived. We were able to freeze 3 embryos. Beta is scheduled for 05/26/14. 1st beta - 111. 2nd beta - 159 didn't double
3rd beta Friday 5/30) - not a lot of hope left. Beta # 3 is 247 - probably ectopic. Beta # 4 is 813 - possibly vanishing multiple sydrome? 06/05/14 - 5w4days - first U/S - we see a gestational sac and yolk - still have hope! 06/17/14 - 7w1day - U/S and saw and heard the heartbeat - Finally! 06/27/14 - 8w4days - Baby and heartbeat look and sound great 
EDD 02/01/14 and It's a boy!
"Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end."
Ugh! So much of TTC is waiting and putting your entire life on hold in the process-- waiting to ovulate, waiting for test results, 2 ww, waiting for the "right" follies, waiting for appointments w/ specialists, waiting for house/car repairs and job changes so that $ or insurance coverage is available...
And in the meantime, no vacations or trips are scheduled around the fertile window, no drinking, no expensive projects around the house, no new non-essential clothes, no mornings without a handful of pills/vitamins/injections...
I think you'd be crazy NOT to need to vent after 3 years. Heck, I can't believe I've already been trying for just under a year! It went by so quickly!
We're all here for you. I have yet to read your HCG post, but I still can't get over how expensive it is for you. Even your 50% is twice what mine cost.
I hope you guys find a way to make it happen. If I had the money, I'd give it to you... Since I don't, all I can give is hope, encouragement and ((hugs)).
<br /> My Ovulation Chart</a>
I am so sorry that you are down :-(.
I don't have anything else to add that the lovely ladies here haven't already said but wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and hoping everything turns around very soon!
I can totally relate as I look around at (younger) pregnant friends who are on their second and third babies. And I think, "Wow...must be nice to decide exactly how many kids you want in your family." At 42, my window has just about closed for a natural pregnancy. And it kills me knowing that I live in a state that mandates infertility coverage (and very generous coverage) but my company is based out of state. So I am completely OOP. I am job searching now (for many reasons) and seriously considering infertility coverage benefits as I search.
Like you, we are not in the best financial position now but there really is only so much time to have a child. There is no time to "save" for treatments at this point. So we're giving this a go for a few more months and then we'll have to seriously consider what our next steps will be (IVF, DE or nothing). It just breaks my heart to think of DS growing up alone with no extended family (no uncles, no cousins).
My Ovulation Chart
That is why this board is so great. No need apologize when so many of us could have written that very post. I hate how upset and jealous I get in those same situations, yet, I can't control it. IF just totally screws with our emotions and any sane thoughts and feeling we used to have.
Perfect place to vent it out.