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Baby Showers
Shermany
member
Etiquette
Shermany
member
in Baby Showers
I've just spent the better part of the afternoon perusing this board, and it strikes me that most of the questions on here could be answered by one simple phrase: Yes, it is tacky. ;-)
But honestly, there are some simple rules of etiquette that should be observed:
- You cannot ever, under any circumstances, throw your own shower. No. Not for any reason. Never.
- Family members cannot host the shower, either. Because they are family, it looks gift-grabby. Friends, co-workers, church members, etc, can feel free, but no mothers, sisters, MILs, etc.
- Showers are acceptable for the first child only. If you're on your 2nd, 3rd, 4th + kid then it is presumed that you already have the major stuff you need (regardless of whether you do or not). Showers are to help out new parents who have nothing. Now, if it's been 10+ years since your last kid, and you've gotten rid of all of your baby gear, and a very good and loving friend wants to throw you a shower, by all means let her. But don't be on your 4th kid in 4 years and expect any kind of shower.
Those are the major ones that have jumped out at me as being FAQs on here, but I'm sure I'm missing something so chime in! Please know that this is all said without (too much) judgement. Honestly I just cringe when reading some of the posts on here, so I'd love to think I helped someone avoid any embarrassment. Cheers, and happy pregnancies to all!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Etiquette
After 7 years of no ovulation...
BFP#1 10/24/11 ~ EDD 6/29/12 ~ Natural m/c 11/2/11
BFP#2 2/3/12 ~ Alice born 9/26/12
While I also think this is kind of tacky, it took place at the shower that my church friends threw for me. I didn't know until I got there that they had it planned, so please keep in mind that the mother-to-be might not have been involved in the situation. (I had already purchased thank you cards before the shower.) Many of the ladies who came are elderly, and they all thought it was a great idea. The co-hosts had me draw a couple of the envelopes out of the box, and those ladies received door prizes. My shower was held when I was 37 weeks, so I think the co-hosts thought it was a great way for me to not have to spend the little free time that I had remaining addressing envelopes for the thank you cards. (My DH was pleasantly surprised that the envelopes were done because he thought that was going to be his job.)
#2 used to be the case with bridal showers because children used to live in their parents homes until marriage. I was also considered the parents responsibility to set up their child's married home with the things they would need. Because people are now living outside of their parent's homes prior to getting married, this is no longer the case. It is ok for a family member to throw the shower.
Some older generations will still frown on it, when I was getting married, before my aunt and a family friend offered, my mother said she would pay for the shower but have my MOH plan it and be named as the host on the invitation because she didn't want to look like the host.
I agree. I'm from New England, and every shower I have ever been to for any friend or family member has been thrown by either her mother, or her mother and her bridal party combined. If it wasn't for my mother, I wouldn't have even had a bridal shower, because my bridal party absolutely bailed and said it wasn't their responsibility/couldn't make it to one. I realize I was not "entitled" to a bridal shower, but on some level when it's your first marriage and you see everyone who has gone before you have one (including some of the women who were in my bridal party!), you sort of hope you'll get your turn one day, too. But I do agree with the other points. Esp. the guests addressing their own TY notes!
This exactly. There is absolutely no problem with a family member hosting a shower as long as they are offering it. My mom is hosting my baby shower, as has been the case with every baby shower I've ever attended. Totally acceptable.
I disagree with #2.
I also disagree with #3 but am in the minority. I actually don't have a problem with 2nd showers as long as they are very small and there is no expectation of registry gifts. It's one thing to get together and have a luncheon and celebrate if a 2nd time MTB's BFF wants to throw such an event, it's quite another for a new mom to expect all new stuff because she's having the opposite sex. Unfortunately, the majority of posters here tend to fall into the latter category.
You forgot the #1 rule. It is said in many different ways by the experts, but the sentiment is the same.
There is nothing tackier than calling someone else tacky.
I have always wondered about this. If someone is doing something "tacky" what is the best way to approach that then? Is it a faux pas to mention it is a violation of etiquette at all, or do you just have to roll with it? I feel it might be difficult to teach social etiquette norms if you don't know them since no one told you.
If you see someone doing something tacky, you should politely ignore it and then come here and vent to us
I kind of agree that mothers should not host a baby shower, but it doesn't bother me. My mom would never have offered to host mine. Sisters on the other hand I am totally ok with. I actually think most sisters want the first opportunity to host before friends step in and ask.
Another New Englander here, and same thing - all showers I have ever been to have been hosted by family (usually mother) with friends/family in attendance. I've never thought it to be gift grabby, it's just normal to me
)
In my wide circle of friends, it's completely accepted to have showers for baby #2, regardless of the sex or age of other kids. I've been to at least 4-5 showers for baby #2 over the last year. They are the exact same as the showers for #1, big cake, registry, etc. The only difference is that people tend to spend a little less money, in my opinion.
I've even seen a shower for baby #3, when there was a 3 year old sister and a 2 year old brother already involved...and nobody else blinked an eye about that.
So I think it really does depend on region in this case.
Personally I think a post about etiquette is extremely tacky and judgemental...
If you want to throw your own shower knock yourself out. If your friends/family dont want to do it for you or they cannot for whatever reason there is nothing wrong or gift-grabby about wanting to celebrate the upcoming birth of your child.
If your mother/sister/in laws want to throw you a shower let them knock themselves out. Its a joyus time in their life also and they want to celebrate. If you dont have best/close friends dont make one just so they can throw you a shower - thats tacky... so is asking someone you are not close with to throw one
Showers can be had for baby number one thru one million if thats what you want to do. Showers are a fun way to celebrate life and bring friends and family together (IMO). However I would be mindful of how big the susequent showers/registries are if the age difference are the babies is less than 2 years... but then again no one should expect you to hold onto stuff from baby number 1 for a phantom/might-be-but-we're-not-sure-we-want-another baby that may or may not be born ever
Gift Grabby is registering for things that you would never in your wildest dreams buy yourself but expect someone else to get for you just because its on the registry and you read in the magazine this is what (fill in your fav celeb baby mom here) has so you ABSOLUTELY HAVE to have it
Tacky is being closed minded and thinking your way of doing things is the only way to do things or doing things because thats how its always been done. Everyone's life story is different - you live yours your way and let them live theirs the way they choose without any judgements
Embarrassing is having a conversation with spinach in between your teeth.. even then you go to the bathroom, clean your teeth and move on with life because nothing is that serious
Sorry that became a rant.. this is the 2nd or 3rd baby shower post I came across and I absolutely hate when people (not speaking about OP or anyone who thinks throwing showers is tacky) think their way or the tradiotional way about anything is the best w/o considering anyones feelings or circumstances
I disagree with #2 as well. I don't think it's regional. I think it's just changing times. I live 6 states away from most of my family. I do think it's become normal for family to throw it just based on what is easiest.
Most of my friends live here in NC near me or elsewhere in the country. All my family (but no friends) live up in New England. Are my family members supposed to travel 12 hours south so a friend can throw a shower here for me? I don't think so. So, my cousin and mom threw me one and I flew up there.
It made more sense that way, and no one finds it tacky.
You do realize this is an etiquette board, right?
Oh yes, I realize it's not always the MTB who plans it
It isn't an etiquette board. It has become a place where most of the questions are people asking for etiquette advice, but it is a Baby Showers board. Not a Baby Shower Etiquette board.
Actually this is an etiquette post on a baby shower board. Women post questions/topics about what they should/shouldnt do and ask opinions about various senarios or how they feel about things related to baby showers. The OP asked the community to contribute any etiquette things she missed out on and I felt she was missing the other side of the coin - which is everything is not tacky and what I felt was appropriate for a baby shower.
Feel free to disagree as you already have but my opinion is my own... you can take it under consideration or not - your (or anyone elses) choice.
THIS. I don't get the big deal in my mom and sisters along with MIL having hosted my bridal shower. My mom threw my sister her bridal shower along with sister's fMIL, and my mom and my other sister and I did older sisters' baby shower. I'm sure that when I have kids someday, they will want to throw a baby shower for me. I think it's extremely typical for sisters, mothers, MILs to host showers. My BFF and her sister hosted their other sisters' baby shower, another good friends' sisters did her baby shower, and so on.
It’s not that I don’t like you, it’s that I don’t know you. Stranger Danger.
this post and the replies regarding it surprised me. I did this for my friends shower and they both said it was the cleverest and most helpful thing ever. #1) in this day and age where so much communication is done via email, not many 30 year olds (and younger) keep an address book like their moms did.... so actually having a home address for each guest might not be the case.... i know in my case my hostess asked me for email addresses as she is going paperless for the invites.... I don't think its being LAZY as much as taking one more thing of the list of things the MTB has to do before the baby. My friend had also already purchased TY cards, she used the envelopes as a reference for addressing her own cards.
I don't feel STRONGLY about it, and I don't think someone is wrong to feel that its "not proper etiquette" ... but i think its a little close minded to be SO against something ..... to each their own I say..... I mean at the end of the day doesn't it really matter sooo much that we have to resort to calling someone "tacky"???
It is interesting to me that most of the pps that find things OK (even though they are against proper etiquette) are those that have very few posts. Maybe they just were never taught or have never picked up an etiquette book (Miss Manners, etc).
Never should you throw a shower for yourself. Not only is it against etiquette it is idiotic. Why would you spend $$ throwing a shower for yourself instead of using that to just buy what you need for the coming baby? If you want to celebrate the baby (as some actually think a baby shower if for - which is not, by the way) then have a party after the baby is born! You cannot celebrate something that doesn't exist IMO!
It is actually not proper for immediate family members to host (mothers, sisters). My mother would not have even considered hosting my shower - or my sister either for that matter. My 2nd cousin hosted one, a friend another and a coworker another. The majority of people who have no problem with this had their shower thrown by their mom, MIL or sister. It is not regional...it is just a breach of proper etiquette. I doubt if guests are going to decline the invite because of it though and I think that is why people have continued the practice.
Showers are for first time moms ONLY. Obviously you can't be a first time mom for your second child. It is not the responsibility of friends and family to buy what is needed for subsequent children just because you decided to get pregnant again (or even accidently got pregnant again). You meaning any MTB.
I dislike addressing my own freaking thank you envelope and actually refuse to. It has cost me only two thank you's (meaning I didn't get one). Sure it saves the MTB time, but so does the host addressing the envelopes for the MTB instead of asking the guests to do it.
Asking for diapers or books are telling guests to bring to the shower (it really is not "asking") and adds an additional expense to what the guest is already purchasing as a gift. It is not proper.
There are many things that people do that are hardly addressed in the etiquette books - online invites being one, virtual showers being another. If I got an invite online to a virtual shower I'd send a virtual gift (send the website so the MTB can see the gift I would have gotten had I received a proper invite to a proper shower.
People that come on this board to ask questions are going to get answers. If they ask if something is tacky and are told that "yes, it is tacky" and then get upset about it are in denial. They knew it was tacky to begin with or they would not have asked. If you don't like the word TACKY then just say it is NOT PROPER and against the social norm as far as manners go. Course manners have gone down the tubes the last 20 years so maybe that is why. Not all questions are regarding etiquette but if they are then they will be told what is right and what is wrong. The responders are only trying to help the OP so they are not ridiculed by their family/friends behind their back. At least that is the way I see it.
How did I miss this gem? "Do what makes you happy." That's something you should instill in your kids.
And while it's incredibly self-centered, that would be OK if it weren't affecting other people. "What makes you happy" is asking other people to buy you stuff and outfit your kid. "What makes you happy" is asking people to spend their time and money on you. "What makes you happy" is rude behavior.
I have been postin here regularly for I've a year and I've seen you around for about a week, so please, tell me how this board works.
I'm just saying who are we to judge and as long as the friends and family in that group find things to be the norm, why do people care so much about etiquette books. Everyone is different and everyone should be able to celebrate how they want without others judging. If you're invited to a "tacky" shower, don't go. But there is no reason to judge. And your passive aggressive "gem" comment is not necessary. I didn't say the person I quoted was saying things that I completely agree with, but it was nice to see someone that had a more "whatever" type attitude, a post that wasn't judging others, that's why I was so happy to read that post. It's just a baby shower, it's not that serious.
Wait, am I reading that right? Oh, cool. Well, if I ever get pregnant again, I'm going to throw myself the biggest baby shower ever. I'm going to serve some finger foods and tell everyone to bring cash with them so that I don't have to worry about taking anything back. And I'm not going to send thank you notes, because that's not very celebratory to me. That's how I want to celebrate. And you're saying that as human beings, no one would judge me for that? YOU don't find that deplorable behavior??
I don't care about what books say. I'm talking common sense.
What if I told you that in my "circle", it was completely appropriate to not thank someone for a gift? No note, no verbal thank you...just nothing. That's RUDE. Now I've sent quite a few wedding gifts where I never heard anything from the bride or groom. Is that not rude? Should we take a more "whatever" attitude? I don't take a "whatever" attitude, because I don't want my kid growing up feeling entitled and being self-indulgent. Things that are rude might be more accepted now, but that doesn't mean they're not rude.
And I'm quite content with my passive-aggressiveness. So it was necessary. Thanks though!
I too have not gotten thank you cards from gifts I have given but what am I going to do about that? I'm not going to call them up and ask "hey, where's my thank you card" because that would also be rude. I take a more "whatever" attitude because there are many things that we have no control over and why would I get so worked up and upset over things that have already happened, I have no control over or don't directly effect me or my loved ones. There are more important things in life than to stress over the little things. I don't understand why you have such a tone in your responses. I'm not arguing with anyone. I used to be close minded and judged others. Of course as human beings we pass judgement, that doesn't mean that we have to think less of those people or think that they are "rude". Maybe that is all they know, maybe that is normal and acceptable to them, maybe they cannot afford what you consider is correct etiquette.
I work in an area of poor economic status and I used to think that some things were "tacky". But when I realized that the parents in my school are just raising their kids with what they have, in the best way they can, and it is normal to them, why should I judge. They aren't hurting anyone, the parents are happy, and more importantly the kids are happy. I have been invited to a baby shower of a parent of one of my students, it was not there first child. Maybe they did have finger foods and asked people to bring diapers. Would I personally do that......no I wouldn't, but this is what is the norm for them and it is what they can afford. And sometimes they need that baby shower more than others because they can't afford some of the necessary things. And if you looked around at the guests, everyone was happy, everyone was smiling and having a good time, finger foods and all. There was no judgement, everyone was just happy to celebrate a new baby.
I wish when people asked a question about showers, others could simply reply with a "I wouldn't do that" or "I've never seen that done, I don't think it's a good idea". Instead people attack the original poster with "You're so tacky!" or "If you do that it's so rude!"
All I'm going to say to that one is that if someone can't afford to buy some basic necessities for a baby, then she shouldn't have gotten pregnant. It's no big secret as to how it happens. I went 32 years, 16 sexually active, without getting pregnant.
Personally, if I was doing something that I didn't realize was rude, I would want people to jump in and tell me so that I wouldn't be offensive to my family and friends, no matter what the topic of the op was.
To Cranang:
The difference between myself and 90% of the people on this board is I really dont give a crap about what people think about me, how I live my life or how I choose to celebrate being a mom or having a baby. I operate by a simple mantra - Im living my life and if it offends you so much you can kick rocks.
To go down your list:
I am extremely comfortable with myself and my beliefs. If I were to throw my own shower I would say to my friends/family: "Hey Im having a baby and I probably wont see you for a few years so come party with me". End of story. In my world gifts are optional. No one is obligated to bring me a gift just because Im having a baby and I will let them know that. In a few months I am having a shower and guess what - gifts are still optional (SHOCKER!!!!). And to be honest the only reason I am having a shower is because everyone me to have one, not because I need or want anything from them other than love and support.
Personally (no offense to anyone truly) I think baby showers and registries are manipulative bc most of the time the mom/family put together this super long list of WANTS not NEEDS and then they *** about what they got... whats classy about that? Dont get me wrong - some moms/families hearts are in the right place and they really do need help buying stuff/setting up for baby but lets be honest most of the people are in it for the free stuff. I think waiting around for someone to give you gifts because you did something that has been done every hour of every single day by billions of women all around the world without the promise presents or because someone feels you should be praised for being so special for bringing a new life into this world (again done by billions without a party and not monumental at all) is dumb! However if thats your cup of tea do you. You know your audience and you will do whats right for you. I'll send you a gift and I'll probably eat some cake because your choice thats what make you happy. Who the heck am I to tell you you are wrong or tacky or classless???
Regarding subsequent showers - I didnt say not to ask for big things I said be mindful of your registry. Do you need another crib and stroller - probably not but you may need onsies and some other clothing items. Or it may be the opposite - you may have a lot of clothes and no crib or decent carseat. If people ask what you need tell them but dont go overboard bc (to your point) this is not your first child. And once again people dont have to give you anything if they dont want to but most of the families I know they are as concerned with baby number 100 as they are with number 1 and dont mind celebrating or doing something to help out no matter what number the child is.
That phrase bugs me - gift grabby. Again someone can say showers are gift grabby bc most people can afford to buy at least some of the stuff themselves but they prefer someone else to get it for them.
Life stories absolutley do have a bearing on the showers because everyones life and circumstances are different. One size (or belief system) does not fit all. If I dont have a best friend Im not going to make one just so she can throw a shower to make people like you feel better. Just like im not going to refuse peoples generosity if they want to give me things if I choose to host my own shower. If money were no object I would have no problem saying come by my house and have fun w/o the pressure of having to give me anything other than a smile.
Im not going to touch on your last comment because I am sorry you had to go thru that but what I will say is you keep using the phrase "hitting people up" and that is not what I am saying at all. What I am saying is life is too short to follow some dead ladies rules that were written over 100 years ago. If throwing your own shower (or having ur mom/sis do it) makes you happy then go fo it. Why should I let peoples thought sabout that concern me? If they dont like it they have an option to not come - easy solution. The same way you throw a birthday party without the expectation of gifts why cant a shower be that way? Why is it so different when your best friend does it (throws the shower)? Isnt that the same thing with a different face - having a party to help you to get started on your new journey in life? Who cares who's name is in the host position??? There is no princess complex here its the opposite - I am telling everyone make their shower whatever they want it to be regardless of what all of the Judge Judy's think. Chances are they are talking about you anyway so might as well keep living your life and do what makes you happy
this - i have noticed too. i don't recall ever going to a shower (outside of work of course) that was not hosted by a family member, SIL, aunt, cousin, etc...
God, you are long winded.
Did you really just play that tired old card? You and your little coterie of girls may use this as your personal etiquette board, but it is not an etiquette board.
You're right, wanting to be polite and treat friends and family with respect is a tired old card. Times, they are a-changin...
And before you start banging on about how it's rude to call others tacky, because i have a feeling that's what you are going to say next, I have never called anybody tacky or gift grabby.
What we will say directly to you, your friends are saying behind your back. Wouldn't you rather my little "coterie of girls" warn you before you make a fool of yourself. Yes, I know, "my circle is fine with it", just because someone pats you on the head and tells you you are the smartest person ever and they want to spend oodles of money on you doesn't mean they are being honest, it means they have manners.
The vast majority of questions involve etiquette.
The ones that don't still involve etiquette. For instance, if someone comes on here and says "OMG I'm so excited to be throwing myself a shower for my 4th baby!!! What should I serve for snacks?", yeah, someone is going to write back that she shouldn't be worrying about snacks and she should examining her rude behavior. That's how message boards work.
These boards are full of it. There was a post on the 6-9 month board, and a woman was just stating that CIO had worked so well for her and that she had gotten some sleep and that her LO had slept well. She got eviscerated by a lot of women who are anti-CIO. Same thing happens with circumcision, FF/BF, etc. So if they don't want other people to tell you what they really think, then they shouldn't post online. I know, you're going to say that everyone is different, different groups, "it's the way it's said", blah, blah, blah. But the reality is, this is decent advice. And if someone on here finds the behavior rude, then chances are that someone in that "group" will too. At least when they get advice here, they have the chance to avoid snickers and gossip.
Oh, and PLEASE don't bother with "these aren't hard and fast rules" or anything like that. There are certain things that ARE rude. Asking people to buy you gifts is rude. Not sending a thank you note is rude. Requesting additional or specific gifts=rude. Just because something is more widely accepted than it used to be, that doesn't make it OK.