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Late Term and Child Loss
lrichmond86
member
the big talk with my mom... advice needed
lrichmond86
member
Hey all... I posted a while back about the issues I was having with my mom and how they all came to a head about 2 weeks ago. She is insisting that we have a big sit down discussion today to "figure it out". I wanted to put some of my thoughts down in writing because when I get emotional I often forget what I mean to say and leave things out or say things I don't mean. I listed some of the points that I want to make to her regarding our loss below. I know it's REALLY long, but I would be so grateful to hear your thoughts on this. First, does it sound logical enough? And second, am I saying anything that is going to be offensive? I want to make things better, after all, not worse. Thanks so much for any input!
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Normal 0 false false false EN-US X-NONE X-NONE MicrosoftInternetExplorer4 /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0in; mso-para-margin-right:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0in; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;}? When you say ?We? lost the baby? ?I? lost the baby. You?ve never lost a child and when you say ?we? it implies that you understand how I feel, and you really can't.
? When you discredit the things that I?m doing to move forward, like going to therapy. Being sarcastic about what I work on in counseling is hurtful because I?m working really hard to better myself and I?m proud of the work I?ve put in and how far I?ve come.
? When you called me to tell me the puppy might be sick. I lost the baby and six weeks later we lost our puppy. Hearing you crying about your puppy when you didn?t even have all of the facts yet was a big trigger for the feelings I had regarding the baby and it was hurtful that you didn?t consider that before calling me.
? Suggesting books to read (like that little boy who was revived) or to see a medium to help with the healing process. While you might think that you?re suggesting things that will be helpful, I don?t believe in those things and I feel that for me to do that would cheapen how I honor my son?s life. I want you to do whatever you feel you need to for you to move forward, but not expect me to do those things too.
? When dad tells me that you don?t visit the cemetery or bring flowers because it?s something that makes you feel good, but so that when I go I feel like someone else cares. Again, I know that this is something you think is helpful, but it assumes that I don?t think that anyone else cares, while I know that there are many people in our life who do.
? When I feel like I have to support you in your healing process over my own. I don?t necessarily need you to be overly supportive of me, but it?s hard for me to keep pushing myself forward in my own healing process when I feel like I have to help in others. While I spend most of my life taking care of other people, now is a time when I need to spend some time focusing on myself.
?
When
you complain about A (her best friend) and her bad attitude, when she?s going through a
really difficult time with her son. This
impacts me because, while very different situations, I know that there were
many times when I was so unhappy with the way my life was going in general that
I was an unpleasant person to be around.
I imagine A is feeling the same way. I would hope that my friends would be more
understanding of my behavior during a very difficult time and I would expect
you to be more understanding of A.
Instead you criticized me for not being more supportive of you because
you best friend wasn?t treating you the way you would want her to. Then you got upset with me when I told you that maybe she was just unhappy and needed more of your support.
? When I got pregnant I felt like our relationship improved because for once we had something in common. Then when I lost the baby I felt like any progress we made in our relationship over those eight months was lost. It's unbearably hard to lose your child, but to feel like you're also losing your mother makes it even worse.
I'm super nervous about this. Hoping it goes well 
This discussion has been closed.
Re: the big talk with my mom... advice needed
I know this is hard for you. I think you are doing the right thing by writing your thoughts down. You make really great points, and to me, everything seems really clear, and not offensive at all.
The only thing I would say to keep in mind is something that a family member pointed out to me; not only did I loose my daughter, my mom also lost her first granddaughter. And our parents are still grieving this loss in a way. It's just a different loss for them. Of course the can never understand how we are feeling, and we can't be expected to help anyone with their grief, but we have to try to recognize it.
I hope nothing but good things will come from your talk with your mom.
What a great idea to write it all down! Nothing in there seemed offensive to me but I do agree that sometimes we need to remember that they lost a grandchild too. Of course that doesn't mean they know how we are feeling or that we should have to comfort and console them; we need to focus on ourselves right now.
Good luck and it sounds like you are doing the right thing.
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I hope that your conversation goes well and I think having your thoughts written down is a very good idea. All of your thoughts & things you want to discuss are all very good things to talk about. Hope your mom understands and this is the first step in improving your relationship. I know it is not easy! You are very strong!
I will probably be facing a similar conversation in the near future with my parents as I have not really talked to them in 3 weeks. I will be anxious to hear how it goes! I will be thinking of you!
- Leslie
*****SIGGGY WARNING*****
Do we have the same mom? I am so serious it isn't even funny. My mother acts just like her and I conceived Gavin together. She has never said when "You" lost him it is always "We". I actually am screaming mad at some comments she made the last week and I didn't talk to her for a bit. She never even realized what I was mad about or maybe even noticed. To her those comments are fine. I think the way you are approaching it is great and please, please let me know how it went. I would really appreciate it. My mother and I have a wonderful relationship but she is very sensitive whenever you approach her about anything. Even when done very cautiously. I am afraid if I tell her how I really feel things between us will be very bad for a long time. I am not one of those people that hates that she calls my kids "My baby". I know she means that in the most loving of ways. However Gavin really is my baby, I carried him, I birthed him, I held him as he died twice, and she does not hurt as bad as I do. I am not saying her heart isn't broken it just isn't as broken as mine. When it comes to the loss of Gavin sometimes if I bring it up she tells me I need help but if she brings it up then it's o.k. to grieve. Other family members get it and agree but do not want to get involved.
Sorry to ramble on. I have actually been wanting to post something similar to this for a while. Good luck to you, huge HUGS and I hope it went well. I know it had to be a really hard thing and you are very brave.
Oh no! I'm so sorry! I didn't see your first post until I thought you'd have already talked to her...but have been waiting for an update. I can't believe she canceled on you. Big ((hugs))
Married the love of my life 7/11/09 - Our first baby, Peyton Mark, was born sleeping 10/25/11 at 33 weeks - Our second baby, BFP 2/4/12, welcome to the world Raylan! Holy Moly, BPF 2/4/14, please be safe and sound little one!
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