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2nd Trimester
Boyfriend doesn't like my gun...
Boyfriend and I just bought a house, so we're moving. While we were packing at my house, he saw my gun for the first time. I've mentioned having a gun to him, so it's not like it came out of nowhere, but I think he may not have believed me, because seeing it seemed to freak him out.
Now he's getting weird about me bringing it, and he's being weird about it being around the baby. I always keep my gun in a locked safe. I have it for legitimate safety reasons (it takes only one murder attempt for you to become a big fan of the right to bear arms). My safety (and the safety of my child) is not something I will compromise on. I repeat: it is kept in a locked safe, unloaded. But just being around the gun seemed to really freak him out and he really did not want me to bring it.
I don't want him to be uncomfortable, but this is one of the things I can't bend on. He should understand why I am so concerned with my safety, as I've explained my situation to him before. If I move into that house with him, my gun comes with me. I'm actually really anxious about the situation now. I don't know if this is a dealbreaker or not.
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Re: Boyfriend doesn't like my gun...
Guns make some people uncomfortable, of you were never around them growing up than its scary. Try to make him see that if you're home alone with the baby and something were to happen, you want to protect yourself and your child. You can't always count on police getting there in time.
We live on a 27,000 acre ranch, no sheriff is going to get to our house faster than it takes me to get my gun from the safe.
? Voted Cool Cat ~ 2012 Sweetpea Mom Awards ?
My suggestion would be to help him become better informed. Take him to a gun safety class, let him shoot a few rounds at the range, etc. guns are scary to those who've never been around them. Help him see a different viewpoint.
Goodluck!
This is a great idea. First I would talk to him about his fears and see what would make him more comfortable.
Ultimately the two of you are going to need to learn to compromise if you want to make things last.
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Exactly this. Take him to the range to make him feel more comfortable.
On a side note, you should make sure that your magazine is loaded with hollow points so that you can ensure that only an intruder would be harmed if you were to fire the gun in the house.
I had never been around a gun until I met my hubby. Eventually after 3 years of dating he brought me shooting while we were down in PA. I was really scared but actually handling a gun and shooting one gave me a respect for a firearm. You need to respect a firearm, not fear it. I thought I was going to absolutely hate shooting guns but now I actually enjoy it. (for spot of course and safety)
I suggest what PP said, take him to a gun safety course and the range to shoot off a few rounds. It may just change his mind about them. Good luck!
This.
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This. We have one that is kept unloaded, in a safe, on the highest shelf in our closet. It made me nervous at first (and I grew up with a father that hunts, so I've been around guns my whole life). DH did eventually take me to go shoot it, and though I don't love it, I am not afraid of it. I know how to use it if I ever needed to and it's stored safely, so it's not an issue.
This exactly.
I've been around them and I've been to the range many times but I still get uncomfortable thinking about my toddler and a gun in the same home, even if it's unloaded. But, I also haven't had the experience that I assume you have when you mentioned "it only takes one murder attempt." I'm not judging, but I can see both sides.
It isn't all about the boyfriend either. If she feels as strongly as he does they need to compromise, not just get rid of the gun...
I think the PP had great ideas of actually discussing the issue and trying to resolve it rather than just going with what he wants...
This is also what I was thinking, and another reason why I wouldn't have a gun in the house--- because if I'm going to have a gun, it's going to be loaded (with the safety) and it's going to be within arms reach.
I'm also just curious, OP.
It's all good. It is nice to know I'm not the only one who doesn't get it.
I guess I don't see why the BF is the only one that has to compromise. If he agrees to go to a shooting range, I think OP should also agree to looking into an alarm system/dog/mace, etc. as alternatives to the gun.
12/1/11 BFP, missed m/c diagnosed @ 9w2d
I agree with everyone who says take him to a gun safety class and also perhaps to a shooting range. People who have never been around guns are normally not very comfortable around them.
As to all those wondering how having the gun would help, it's not as though everything is about you waking up with someone standing over you. You might hear someone trying to break in and if the gun safe is nearby you may very well have to time to get the gun, load it and be ready when the person makes it into your house.
Whether it will really help her or not isn't so much the issue as it makes her feel more secure which is something her boyfriend should respect, especially given that she apparently has a history of something bad happening to her. I'm not going to question what the victim of a violent crimes needs to do to feel more comfortable if she's not endangering her child in the process.
Kelly, Mom to Christopher Shannon 9.27.06, Catherine Quinn 2.24.09, Trey Barton lost on 12.28.09, Therese Barton lost on 6.10.10, Joseph Sullivan 7.23.11, and our latest, Victoria Maren 11.15.12
Secondary infertility success with IVF, then two losses, one at 14 weeks and one at 10 weeks, then success with IUI and then just pure, crazy luck. Expecting our fifth in May as the result of a FET.
This Cluttered Life
Have your boyfriend take a gun safety course and read up on gun laws. Also, have him learn to shoot your gun. Fear stems from the unknown.
I was adamantly against guns growing up in CT, but having moved to WI, where guns are a part of life, my tune has changed. Now that I know the safety precautions and laws, I feel much better about having a gun in my home with my children. My kids will be taking gun safety classes as soon as they're old enough.
Note: I still am majorly opposed to AK-47s and the like being available to the public! My FIL shot bear with a black powder rifle. Even he considered the NRA a bunch of nuts, lol.
Not trying to be snarky, but if the issue is OPs psychological comfort, counseling may not hurt. I agree that having someone make an attempt on your life is a traumatic event, so maybe having a gun (especially if it is not particularly effective) isn't addressing the whole problem.
12/1/11 BFP, missed m/c diagnosed @ 9w2d
This exactly. DH grew up hunting and is comfortable around guns. I was opposed to guns in the house at first because I was really uncomfortable around them. I took several classes and am now glad we own them (hunting rifles and one hand gun). Although we live in a safe area and have an alarm system, there have been cases of people robbing homes when one person is at home or they think no one is there. DH often works late hours and it makes me feel better knowing I can fend for myself and my kids in the 15-20 minutes it would take cops to show up. I would suggest classes. They really help increase the comfort level and IMO are a must for any gun owner.
DD 12/20/99, DS 12/14/12, M/C 9/2014, M/C 1/2015
I am not saying he should be the one to back down. PP suggested the OP get rid of the gun, end of discussion. I don't feel that is compromising and discussion is needed regardless of the topic.
Pressuring is not a good way to handle any disagreement in any relationship. Discussion and compromise is much better, IMO.
I think that if the OP feel strongly and her BF does well, one should not have to just "give in" without discussion of the topic.
The BF expecting the OP to compromise in his favor could be considered "particularly shitty" as you stated.
DD 12/20/99, DS 12/14/12, M/C 9/2014, M/C 1/2015
Thank you! You worded what I was trying to say much better than my pregnancy brain would allow me to!
Really? So he's the only one who has a say? My relationship certainly doesn't work like that.
OP, so if there is an intruder, will your boyfriend strangle him with his bare hands? And is he there all of the time, just in case, to protect you? What might he suggest you do if you're home alone and someone tries to break in? Wait patiently for the police? No way in hell will I put myself in a position in which I cannot defend myself and/or my child. Tell him to man-up and take a class or something. I'd love to know what alternative solutions he's bringing to the table.
While I don't, personally, see the purpose of an unloaded, locked away gun. I was focused on the idea of compromise, regardless of the topic.
To suggest the OP needs counseling is a bit rash, maybe they both need counseling to figure out why the OP feels the need for a gun and her BF is opposed to guns.
So people who have guns are not rational? Hum. Interesting assumption.
To each their own. I see no reason to make assumptions about people's logic based on their decisions to have or not have a gun.
I believe the PP means that making a decision without knowing anything about the topic is not wise.
You have "been educated" in the sense that you have experienced a gun and "given it a chance" before you made a decision.
So because some people would rather have protection in the just in case event, it makes them an irrational person with moral issues? I don't knock people for being against guns but I am against comments like this from either side of the issue. Gun ownership is a personal decision one makes that is our right to own and bear arms. If my neighbor was against guns, I would respect their opinion but NOT using my gun to protect them from either a robbery or saving their life, unless they have a suddeen change of heart, I would just call the cops for them.
I agree that there are more issues that will arise and this couple needs to discuss a lot!
Agreed. I have moral and ethical issues with people trying to take away my firearms, that doesn't mean that I can't talk to my spouse like an adult about the situation and try to come up with a compromise if he was uncomfortable with them. I certainly wouldn't be pressured into giving them up. That would be a sh!tty thing to do.
I feel much safer with mine in the house and I don't think that that warrants counseling. Some people see terrible things in their lives and it makes the dangers of the world a little more real, it doesn't mean they can't cope with their fears, it means they would like to be prepared if they were ever in that situation again.
No matter how "remote" the possibility, I'd hate to experience the feeling of helplessness while someone tried to break in to my home at night knowing I had no way to defend myself. Do you not watch the news? There are sick, crazy, fvccked up people out there who aren't in their right minds. There are people on drugs eating people's faces off. Women are attacked/sexually assaulted in their homes all of the time. That's reality, not paranoia. Of course I don't give a crap about my TV.
LOL!
And I am truly dumbfounded that people really believe that if someone breaks into your home when you're home, even if they are just looking for "stuff" that they don't have a gun themselves and don't hesitate to use it in a situation where they feel threatened (i.e, not expecting someone to be home, but someone is home anyway)
As for the "off chance"? Burglaries occur, per the FBI calculations, 2,222,196 times a year, annually. 70.3% of those are residential homes, and the most frequent burglary time is during the day. (10 am - 3 pm) Burglaries happen in the shittiest of neighbors, and the nicest of neighborhoods. So there's not really an "off chance" that a burglary is going to happen. It's actually a fairly high statistic.
Personally, I'd just get a security system and not display what security system that I have infront of my house. I'm not totally anti-gun, but I am not a fan of having a gun around my toddler and soon, another baby. It's too much of a risk for me, and I'd probably refrain from being in a committed relationship with someone who was hell bent on having a gun. Just like I wouldn't stay with someone who said they didn't want children, only hoping that they'd change their mind. It sounds like this is something that should have been discussed, in depth, between her boyfriend and OP, but please don't act like home burglaries, and violent home burglaries at that, do not occur on the regular.