Is anyone else's Dh different too?

liveitloveitdone · July 2012

Dh changed shifts and is training with an older (well older to us woman). Yesterday I asked how the drive went and they were talking about children and trying and such. He told her what we were going through and then started talking about her and her DH, I guess they have tried for a long while but she has never gone to a doctor and when she thought she could be pregnant she ended up just getting her period. Dh said she stopped and got embaressed as if she thought she went too far into TTC conversation and Dh just laughed because he's kinda heard it all, seen it all and have done a lot more than I thought a man would do. He actually started talking to her about maybe going to doctor and sharing our experience.

It got me thinking how many others DH's aren't the same anymore? My husband now makes jokes and tries to make me laugh when were shopping for pads or tampons because he knows its hard. He knows all about ovulating and the "right" timing. He's seen me get an exam from doctor while holding my hand while Im crying. After my surgery he helping me put my clothes on and a new pad in my underwear because I was so out of it.

Anyone else notice changes in DH? He also is open to talking about TTC now and always wants to learn and never misses an appointment.

behapy2day · July 2012

My DH sounds a lot like yours. He's seen and heard it all at this point. I also know that he has had several conversations with his clients and a few employees that are older than us who had gone through situations like ours. It helps him to talk about it and that makes me happy.

I got over my embarrassment of all things period related when I had my first natural m/c at home. I think he's seen it all at this point.

liveitloveitdone · July 2012

Im glad there is others out there : ). He is really supportive and Im surprised by speaking out how many other woman there are out there that have had similar problems to me and my DH. DH's work was really understanding and I was surprised how many men stepped up and said they had gone through it too and gave some words of wisdom and their success stories.

weaslewam · July 2012

OMG your DH sounds like a saint. Changing your pad for you... I can't imagine my DH doing so.

My DH is open to talking about stuff but unfortunately he's not open to learning things on his own which is what I wish he would do (like go to websites and message boards like I do!)

We both have been dealing with this in different ways I guess.

larivierek · July 2012

I don't know. My H swings on some kind of crazy pendulum from being super supportive and compassionate to being totally selfish and forgetting that this is still affecting me. Maybe it's too soon, and he will eventually be more steady.

He has definitely seen me at my worst. And he is compassionate in those times. But he tends to forget I could still be affected by this (and will be forever) when he thinks I'm doing ok.

HoolahZinger · July 2012

My DH has been incredibly supportive as well. It must be weird and hard to be in their shoes. They also had a loss but it was a completely different experience. DH bought me flowers yesterday because he knew Sunday was particularly hard for me. He's not usually a flower kind of guy. He doesn't ever really mention what he is going through though, unless I ask. I wonder if he's trying to stay strong for me or if the healing is just different for him. Anyhow, I am so thankful my best friend is so incredible.

HoolahZinger · July 2012

ncchnat:
Mine is different, but not. It's really hard to explain. He's been to all of my appointments, except for the one where I found out our baby's heart had stopped and subsequently delivered so he hasn't seen me at my worst. (He was out of town on business and couldn't get back so I didn't tell him. I didn't want him sitting in an airport alone and devastated. I told him the next day when he got home.) He was there for the good appointments and he was there for the follow up, where I was a mess, but it wasn't my worst.

Gosh, that is so heartbreaking. I am so sorry you had to be alone for that.

arishia · July 2012

DH has been great overall, but he keeps all his feelings bottled up until way later. I wish he'd talk more about what we're going through instead of just letting me ramble every day. :P But he's been to every appointment, buys me flowers, etc.

Ana0927 · July 2012

My DH has been supportive overall been to all my appointments, does things to cheer me up, etc. But, there are times when I feel he doesn't get how depressed I get sometimes over the whole situation. Its almost like he thinks "ok its been 7 months can we get over this already" I feel like we both have moved on from the shock of having a m/c but we are still in seperate places when it comes to healing.

hungryhippo · July 2012

We giggle at the word "ovulation" now. I don't think ovulation was in my DH's vocabulary before TTC.

Related to loss - In the middle of the horrible night where it became very apparent that we were going to lose/had lost our first, DH asked to see the bleeding that I told him about.

I paused and kinda made a joke while he was standing at the bathroom door saying, "Ugh. Once we do this, there is no unseeing what you are about to see. All the mystery will be gone. Are you sure you want to?" as if that was the worst thing about/trying to make light of the situation we were in. Honestly, I had imagined that the first time he saw anything that gory would be during childbirth. It was a poignant moment for me, but I don't think it was a big deal to him.

He was there during my anesthesia-free D&C and he mentioned that it was almost impossible to watch that happening to me, though I can't think of any examples of that stuff having changed him in any obvious way.

hopefulreturn · July 2012

Ana0927:
My DH has been supportive overall been to all my appointments, does things to cheer me up, etc. But, there are times when I feel he doesn't get how depressed I get sometimes over the whole situation. Its almost like he thinks "ok its been 7 months can we get over this already" I feel like we both have moved on from the shock of having a m/c but we are still in seperate places when it comes to healing.

I am in a very similar situation. I finally got DH to admit that he is frustrated with our TTCAL journey just this past weekend. He is so supportive when I do get upset, but he often seems surprised when someone's pregnancy announcement makes me cry. He has been by my side for internal ultrasounds and pelvic exams, so he is much more familiar with a ob/gyn office!

pkaren · July 2012

You're DH sounds awesome! My DH has definately changed in some ways. He knows now that he definately wants kids and he's always very supportive of me.

We were watching an episode of How I Met Your Mother one night and Marshall and Lily go to an OB appt after she's KU and Marshall says "I can't believe how LITTLE I know about vagina's!" That's pretty much how my DH is. He gives me a funny look when I tell him about what's going on, so I just don't tell him the TMI stuff. Every once in a while he asks if I got my period yet. I just tell him, "Oh, you'll know when it happens, we will be having a period celebration when it does!" lol

larivierek · July 2012

MrsErinH:
larivierek:
I don't know. My H swings on some kind of crazy pendulum from being super supportive and compassionate to being totally selfish and forgetting that this is still affecting me. Maybe it's too soon, and he will eventually be more steady.
He has definitely seen me at my worst. And he is compassionate in those times. But he tends to forget I could still be affected by this (and will be forever) when he thinks I'm doing ok.
This is how I would describe my DH too. He is super sweet and supportive but sometimes it just feels like he wishes I could get over it and he wants things to go back to the way they used to be. I don't think he realizes that it is impossible.

Yes. Even though I think this effects me in a much more palpable way, I imagine that the painful thing for him is that he has pretty much lost the wife he used to know. I feel like I'm so different now, and I'm sure he has noticed. He has asked me if I'm going to be like this forever. I told him this will always be present for me, and he didn't react well. I think, while I'm mourning the loss of our baby and my "innocence," he's also mourning the loss of his wife.

Incidentally, he just texted me, telling me "smile, because I love you. so there!"

So yep...it's a swinging pendulum.

NJMom050911 · July 2012

Totally different. Before I got pregnant he wasn't sure if he wanted another. We knew there was a chance that we would get pregnant because I was pretty aware of my cycles and told him that I was ovulating that weekend. I prayed hard for this baby, he was taken a bit by surprise but was so very excited and told everyone immediately. He was hoping for twin girls and would joke about it since I started showing so early. When we lost it he just couldn't believe that this has happened to us. He said it had humbled him and now he wants two more children. He cannot wait for me to be pregnant and even calculated when we would need to get pregnant (in his world that is when to TRY harder lol) because he would like a June baby. Of course any month would do because he would just like me to be pregnant right now. It's sweet that he bonded with our baby that was here for such a short time.

AnoraStar · July 2012

I would say mine is used to everything TTC related and is way more encouraging now than before our loss. I almost feel like he didn't take TTC seriously in the fact that he thought we could just have sex and get pregnant without really having to try. Now that it's been over a year and I'm 99% sure I'll be taking Clomid (as long as b/w and u/s come back as expected), he's aware of how hard this is on not only me, but us as a couple. We both really, really want a family and his is willing to do whatever it takes now, post loss. Before he kept saying the irritating 'don't worry, it will happen'.

HopingforChange · July 2012

MrsErinH:
larivierek:
MrsErinH:
larivierek:
I don't know. My H swings on some kind of crazy pendulum from being super supportive and compassionate to being totally selfish and forgetting that this is still affecting me. Maybe it's too soon, and he will eventually be more steady.
He has definitely seen me at my worst. And he is compassionate in those times. But he tends to forget I could still be affected by this (and will be forever) when he thinks I'm doing ok.
This is how I would describe my DH too. He is super sweet and supportive but sometimes it just feels like he wishes I could get over it and he wants things to go back to the way they used to be. I don't think he realizes that it is impossible.
Yes. Even though I think this effects me in a much more palpable way, I imagine that the painful thing for him is that he has pretty much lost the wife he used to know. I feel like I'm so different now, and I'm sure he has noticed. He has asked me if I'm going to be like this forever. I told him this will always be present for me, and he didn't react well. I think, while I'm mourning the loss of our baby and my "innocence," he's also mourning the loss of his wife.
Incidentally, he just texted me, telling me "smile, because I love you. so there!"
So yep...it's a swinging pendulum.
he's also mourning the loss of his wife - you hit the nail on the head completely. That's exactly how my DH feels. I'm doing my best to enjoy our time alone together but we both know that I'll never be the same as before.

Yes. I think my DH had to go through this too. I was depressed and just not myself at all for months after my first loss. I don't think I will ever be exactly the same as I was before that miscarriage, but I do have hope that I will get close, in time. I think it was really, really hard for DH, but he was patient and let me grieve. He supported me for months, when I gave him nothing in return, and I will be forever grateful. A lot of men wouldn't have stuck that out.

Is anyone else's Dh different too?

Re: Is anyone else's Dh different too?

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