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Working Moms
workingmama
member
We love you baby - m/c - 09/10/2011
Travel for work (you or DH)
workingmama
member
in Working Moms
I made a decision when PG with DS#1 that I was going to leave my prestigious, fast-paced job for something with more predictable and easier hours. It was completely my decision and something DH let me decide all on my own. About a year later, DH's job picked up because he is really good at what he does and he started to have longer hours. Though he can work the extra hours from home after DS#1 is asleep, we do see some stress from it, especially when it affects our weekends as a family.
I fully accept (as it was 100% my decision) that now is the time I am putting my career on the backburner. I will not say there are not days I miss the faster, more exciting job, but overall I am really happy to have a family-friendly position that still pays the bills.
DH has recently been faced with the decision of whether to accept a position that will require some travel. Neither of us has ever really had travel be a part of our job description. (I have traveled twice in the last three years; DH once.) I want to continue to support him and cheer him on and the job is good for him (and us) in so many ways, but I am nervous about the travel aspect. Especially when an infant is going to enter the picture here very soon. Talk to me, mommas. How do you and your husband handle work travel? Is it as awful, overwhelming, and stressful as it seems?
We love you baby - m/c - 09/10/2011
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Travel for work (you or DH)
Neither DH or I travel, so I can't speak from experience- although DH does work very long days so I am frequently on my own with the kids until bedtime. I think it would depend on how much travel- how many days at a time, how many times per month? I could definitely deal with a couple of days maybe twice a month. If it was every single week I think I would get lonely and burnt out pretty quick. Also would it affect your weekends? If DH has to leave on a Sunday to travel, and it happens more than once every few months I would have a problem with that.
It sounds like you have a family friendly job so as long as you can handle DC dropoff/ pickup by yourself and can manage if the kids get sick or something, I'm sure you'll be okay with your husband travelling occassionally.
What % travel are we talking? I think traveling here &tehre is very doable but I admit I would be hesitant about having a new baby & a toddler at home and having him traveling like 50% of the time or whatever. MH travels a few days a month and it is really no big deal and he actually moved to where we live now 4 months before I did so I was on my own Sun night-Fri night for those months and it was fine but my kids were 2 yrs old... the newborn thing would be hard w/ the night wakings & things if the travel were a lot. But if 25% or less, totally doable. GL!
(also if you have family nearby to help that is a big plus)
My DH travel averages to about a week every few months. I don't mind it so much. I have a few "easy" dinners that I plan for those weeks and sometimes treat myself and DS to something special like chick-fil-a for dinner. I would rather deal with occasional travel than him regularly working late.
It would all depend on the amount of travel. EVery week, all week (meaning like M-TH or even F)? No, I wouldn't be on board with that. My DH presently works a job where he's 2 weeks on/ 2 off. The 2 he's on, he does get home throughout that time, but it's totally unplanned and we can't rely on it. Like last night was from 6:30 - 9. I won't know until around 4 if he'll get a chance to come home tonight or not.
During these 2 weeks, I have to plan on being a single mom. And it's exhausting. We do go some weeks where he isn't at home at all when DS is up - at night or in the morning. Those weeks are LONG when it's all on me all the time.
But if it's occasional travel here and there - even up to 2 work weeks a month. Eh.... I could roll with it.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I travelled a lot in my last job 60% with a quarter of that being international. (I went to Paris for 10 days when my baby was only 9 wks). It was too much. I was very fortunate that a new job fell in my lap and it only requires 25% travel and mostly back and forth to our HQ. I would not be able to do it if my husband was not supportive and an extremely hands-on dad. And maybe more important, having family close that help out A LOT! Even with family help there are days/trips that just kill my husband.
Do you have pets? If yes, factor that in. When it's raining, snowing, freezing or roasting the pups still need to go out. We live in the city which means everyone has to go together, baby and all. We eventually got a dog walker to help because it was just too much.
Busy's First Trip to Ireland May 2011
This is all so helpful. Thanks, mommas (and keep it coming!). It has been so important to me (DH likes it too) to have family dinner just about every night that it is hard to imagine letting things like that go. I am also scared out of my mind to manage two children alone on a frequent, recurring basis. That was not the plan going into this, so ... Perhaps I just need to get over myself a bit!
I think it is the timing that is bad. A PP had a great idea re: the 5 month mark. It is not unreasonable to ask the potential employer for a break from travel until then. We will see how it goes. I do not know how much travel to even expect. DH is waiting for the final, official offer to ask (which I agree he should do).
THANKS again! More responses welcome, please!
We love you baby - m/c - 09/10/2011
My DH travels a lot (well, it is a lot to me; he would say it's not that much). When he goes, it is overseas and he is gone for a couple of weeks at a time. He typically goes on one trip per quarter, except in the summer when he will go at least twice. Sometimes more. And, of course....summer is my busiest season at work as well.
With one kid it was annoying but manageable, but I will be honest, right now with two it is kicking my butt and I am not happy at all with the situation. I expect it will get better as the kids get older and I get better at managing the two of them. DH is in China right now and has been gone for two weeks (returns tomorrow - thank goodness) and this trip overall went 1,000x better for me than the last one he took at the end of May/beginning of June. However, it is still HARD. I won't lie.
Part of my problem is that we moved here a few years ago from the other side of the country, so I am really, really far from family and close friends. I have friends around here, but not the same kind of friends I had back home. I feel alone when he is gone, and that is hard.
Things that help when he is gone are to establish a good routine and stick to a schedule during the week. With my job I am able to work from home some, which spares me some stress and gives me back some extra time (I have a long commute and can't be in the office a full day if I'm picking up and dropping off). And, let's be honest, working from home allows me to run to the store or throw in a load of laundry kid-free here and there. We keep meals super simple while DH is gone and I try to plan something each day on the weekend to get DD out of the house, preferably some kind of get-together with one of her friends. She gets bored with just me and the baby and boredom = acting out.
So, this is a long reply and I could go on forever, but my point is that it is not impossible, but it can definitely be hard. You should be honest with yourself and your DH about the impact it is likely to have and talk through how you will make it work before he accepts the job. Good luck!
I travel extensively for my job (3-4 weeks a month) and plan to continue once baby is born and back from LOA. I am 34 weeks with my first. I have an amazing husband who knew when we got together that I am very career focused and do not intend to change that (at least not now). I have no idea how it will work once baby is here - but I am going to darn sure try! I love my job and I am compensated very well (I make near triple what my DH makes and he does pretty well himself as an engineer...) He knows (though I am not sure he FULLY realizes) that he will have to be the one to make compromises like if baby is sick, he calls in to work, and that he will be a single parent during the week etc.
One thing I would caution you on (I am an HR exec...) is - you indicated you feel it is reasonable to ask for your DH to tell his employer he will be unable to travel for 5 months. I disagree. Especially as he will be a brand new employee. They are hiring him into a job which requires travel. To expect them to change the essential function of the job is not reasonable. Hopefully, he has some flexibility, but I would not at all count on that.
Good luck!
Oh, and I second the person who said you should consider if the pay is enough to hire on some help for your household. I definitely couldn't do this without someone cleaning my houes, doing the landscaping, etc etc...
And, I don't remember if you said you will continue to work or not...If not - totally doable! If so - still doable, but just tougher.
You also didn't mention how often he will travel. If it isn't all that much (like only a couple days a month) then I wouldn't worry about it.
DH and I both travel for work. Mine is generally pretty predictable, a week every other month, sometimes I travel in the off months as well. DH's is unpredictable, and can come up with no warning. We do our very best to not have conflicting trips and are fortunate that we both have supervisors that understand that the other travels and that we have a young child that comes first. When trips do overlap, we plan to not overlap by more than a day, so that one of us can do the daycare drop off and the other does pick up. We're also lucky that my parents live nearby and are always willing to fill in if we need.
As far as when one or the other of us is actually OOT, things just go the way they normally do. The routine is the same, it's just one of us doing it instead of two. Some things, like housework, tend to move to the back burner, but whatever. We have similar jobs with similar hours, so normally the responsibilities and chores at home are split 50/50. I'd say we each still do 50% when the other is OOT, it's just the most important 50%.
I did not travel for a year after DD was born, and hope to be able to do the same after this one is born. DH didn't travel for about three months after she was born, and will try to do the same again.
What it comes down to for us is that we both have work environments that are family friendly, and understand that our kids are going to be the first priority, as well as extremely supportive family nearby.
I think it comes down to personalities honestly. I have never been one who needs to be glued to someone 24/7. For us, distance absolutely makes the heart grow fonder and we appreciate each other more now. I would prefer to have him be 100% gone, then 100% here than have him working long hours, coming home just to kiss the kids good night and sleep and be distracted all the time, KWIM? It works for us.
My DH has some travel with his job and it's usually 1-2 overnights about once a month. To me, it's pretty manageable. Now if he was traveling weekly or every other week for more than 2 nights, it would be a little harder on me. Our normal routine is for me to do drop-off around 8 and DH to pick up by 4:30. Daycare stays open until 5:30, which gives me time to get her.
The nice thing about DH traveling is that he generally gets home early in the afternoon, so he goes right to daycare and picks up DD to spend the rest of the afternoon with her. So he does get a lot of extra time with her.
You and your H really need to find a routine that works for you and be sure that you can pick up the slack when he's on the road. Once your LO gets older, it's fun being able to help daddy unpack and get the little gifts he'll bring. My dad traveled a lot when I was little and I never felt like he missed out on things. He even spent 6 months living 3 states away for a work assignment and only came home every other weekend. It can be done. Lots of families have traveling parents and you'll just need to find the right balance for you both.
We only have one kiddo, but we make it work. I rarely travel. When I do, I bring LO (to nurse) and my mom to babysitt. My company is very cool about that.
My DH travels a few weeks at a time. It is hard and I was concerned before the first time, but it is doable. A good routine and DC that you love and trust is a must. He didn't leave until she was about 2+ months. Right now she I so active and not a good sleeper. That means it is hard for me to get stuff done(laundry,dishes) but so what. We are happy. Sometimes I think it is harder for my DH because he has to miss being with her.
I will say that I don't know if this much travel will work for us long term. My friends DH travels ALOT and their 4 year old thinks that dad lives at the airport! At the end of the day, you can make anything work. Military moms do it and I think of them if I feel like whining.
DH used to travel 1-2 days a week maybe 2 weeks a month. That was absolutely do-able for me, especially with only one kid. For the last few months, he's been gone more than 3 weeks a month. It's wearing on me.
We just found out we're having #2, and we had a long talk. He asked me to give him 6 months to figure out a way to cut back on travel. If he can't make it work, he's agreed to look for another job.
So, like everyone else, I think it depends on how much travel. It help me to make plans for the times he's away - maybe see my mom one night, or invite friends (with or without kids) over for dinner or a playdate. I try to be organized about meals, etc.
This discussion has been really helpful for me too! We have one LO, DD is 18 months. DH has sporadic travel, but is often for 1.5-3 weeks at a time. We were lucky that for DD's first 6 months or so he had no travel and worked from home. Now, he is off & on the road every month or 2 (but it could dry up at any time for 6 months). We are contemplating TTC for #2, next week! This has been a major point of discussion for us, whether I could handle weeks by myself with 2 LOs. Many great points have been made in this thread, my take homes 1) many people do it! Military, single moms, etc. 2) Make time at home/weekends count, and 3) this just may be what is best for our family.
Dh travels for work all the time. He was gone for 3 weeks while I was on maternity leave. I just don't find it a big deal at all. I was very comfortable with DS though.
I also travel 1 week per quarter and DH does fine with DS.
It's not overwhelming, stressful, or awful at all. I think DH definitely doesn't find it as painless as I do, but it's not bad at all. There are women whose husbands are in the military and are single parenting for MONTHS on end. There are mothers out there with no spousal support, period. A week or 3 is no big deal at all, IMO.