"So when are you starting a family?" - what do you say?

pkaren · July 2012

I've been asked this question ALOT lately. I'm over 30 and have been married for over a year, so I guess it's time for all these questions to start. I used to get really annoyed by them and didn't know what to say. I've decided to be completely honest to people. Saying something like "oh we're trying" or something like that opens the door to more innapropriate questions and it also feels like I'm lying.

I've started telling people "I had a miscarriage and now I've dealing with some issues, but hopefully we'll be trying again soon." I found that they either just say "oh, so sorry" and move on, or they share there own miscarriage history. I'm actually surprised how many people I say this to have had at least one, or even more. If miscarriage is so common, why are we afraid to talk aboit it? I hate that miscarriage is such a taboo. I don't mind talking about it of people ask.

What do you say when people ask you these questions? What's worked best for for you?

jenn0021 · July 2012

I usually just stutter out a reply along the lines of "someday" or "eventually". I wish I were braver and actually said something with more meaning but I get all tongue-tied and stressed out.

I love your response. And it's true, when you open up about m/c you discover a lot of people have had at least one. At least that's been my experience.

Bizzy80 · July 2012

I'm pretty open about us ttc so when somebody asks I usually just tell them we have been trying for almost 2 years now. It usually shuts them up pretty quickly.

HopingforChange · July 2012

I find that question SO rude. Depending on my mood, I evade the question, or, I just tell people, bluntly, that we've had a miscarriage (two now, but no one has asked lately), and that we would love kids as soon as we're blessed with them. Usually, people are uncomfortable, but they are making me uncomfortable and sad by asking the question, so I don't feel too badly about it. DH is much more diplomatic and just says that we will have kids when we are blessed with them. He is a sweet person and much, much more patient than me. People should never, never, never ask someone else about why they are or are not reproducing, IMO.

Laurakat81 · July 2012

jenn0021:
I usually just stutter out a reply along the lines of "someday" or "eventually". I wish I were braver and actually said something with more meaning but I get all tongue-tied and stressed out.

This is me. There have been times where I've had good comebacks but it seems to depend on the way the question was phrased and who is asking as to how I'll respond.

I guess I haven't had good luck sharing my story because almost no one I know IRL has had a loss before and the tiny few who have honestly didn't seemed phased by it and act like I'm a freak for being upset even after all this time. And therefore I just feel like a freak.

kread8 · July 2012

pkaren:

I've been asked this question ALOT lately. I'm over 30 and have been married for over a year, so I guess it's time for all these questions to start. I used to get really annoyed by them and didn't know what to say. I've decided to be completely honest to people. Saying something like "oh we're trying" or something like that opens the door to more innapropriate questions and it also feels like I'm lying.

I've started telling people "I had a miscarriage and now I've dealing with some issues, but hopefully we'll be trying again soon." I found that they either just say "oh, so sorry" and move on, or they share there own miscarriage history. I'm actually surprised how many people I say this to have had at least one, or even more. If miscarriage is so common, why are we afraid to talk aboit it? I hate that miscarriage is such a taboo. I don't mind talking about it of people ask.

What do you say when people ask you these questions? What's worked best for for you?

I don't get mad when people ask me something like this, but I have definitely been guilty of asking it of other people pre-m/c. I have started to take the same approach as you - just being honest. I am not the type of person to keep things to myself and pretty open with people. And like you said - the more people I tell about our loss, the more others tell me they had a loss or know of someone who had a loss. In a weird way, it makes me feel better that it's so common - I feel like less of a "freak" or something. And it also helps to hear of people who have had a loss, or multiple losses, who also went on to have healthy babies - that gives me hope.

I also think that in being honest and letting people know that we have had a miscarriage, it enables me to "pay it forward". I have gotten so much support from a few friends that have also had a loss(es) and it has really helped to talk to someone who has been through the same pain. I want to be able to pay that forward and be there for anyone else I know who might have a loss in the future. And if they know that I have had one, then they know I will be there for them to support them.

pkaren · July 2012

jenn0021:

I usually just stutter out a reply along the lines of "someday" or "eventually". I wish I were braver and actually said something with more meaning but I get all tongue-tied and stressed out.

I used to do this too. I have to credit DH for me being so open. he has absolutely no filter, so when people ask, he blurts out the WHOLE story and I was surprised people's reactions to it! It's made me feel more comfortable being open. I haven't really found that people get embarrassed or awkward, as it's not meant for them to "shut up" about it.

pkaren · July 2012

jenn0021:

I usually just stutter out a reply along the lines of "someday" or "eventually". I wish I were braver and actually said something with more meaning but I get all tongue-tied and stressed out.

I used to do this too. I have to credit DH for me being so open. he has absolutely no filter, so when people ask, he blurts out the WHOLE story and I was surprised people's reactions to it! It's made me feel more comfortable being open. I haven't really found that people get embarrassed or awkward, as it's not meant for them to "shut up" about it.

ravenclaw1 · July 2012

depends on how feisty I'm feeling and who's asking

I've been known to say "That's a rude and intrusive question", "not your business", "hopefully soon", "we're working on it", and a whole bunch of other stuff.

I do hate that question, though. I've NEVER been one to ask that, but going through this experience makes me really cautious of mentioning anything baby related

lindsayanne14 · July 2012

At times I have tried to side-step telling people about my MC because I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings or making someone feel bad for bringing up babies. Since people bring this up so much I found myself in this scenerio often, I just got tired of being the one who felt bad duing these conversations. Now I normally just tell the person I've had a MC and that we hope to be blessed with a child when the time is right. Good luck to you....people can be so rude and intrusive!

Roxycc55 · July 2012

pkaren:

I've started telling people "I had a miscarriage and now I've dealing with some issues, but hopefully we'll be trying again soon." I found that they either just say "oh, so sorry" and move on, or they share there own miscarriage history. I'm actually surprised how many people I say this to have had at least one, or even more. If miscarriage is so common, why are we afraid to talk aboit it? I hate that miscarriage is such a taboo. I don't mind talking about it of people ask.

This. This is what I do. I say something like "Oh our baby passed away in gestation and we are waiting a little while to try for our second." And exactly as you said, people will either just say sorry and not really get it, or share their own stories. It's rare that something stupid will be said, (although it occasionally does happen.)

pkaren · July 2012

Laurakat81:
jenn0021:

I usually just stutter out a reply along the lines of "someday" or "eventually". I wish I were braver and actually said something with more meaning but I get all tongue-tied and stressed out.

This is me. There have been times where I've had good comebacks but it seems to depend on the way the question was phrased and who is asking as to how I'll respond.

I guess I haven't had good luck sharing my story because almost no one I know IRL has had a loss before and the tiny few who have honestly didn't seemed phased by it and act like I'm a freak for being upset even after all this time. And therefore I just feel like a freak.

I hate that you feel like a freak. I think it's normal to feel sad....having a miscarriage is alot like losing any other loved one. You're never going to forget that little person inside of you, and you would never forget a person who passed away. For someone who's never had a miscarriage, they would just never understand it. I know I didn't before mine. Don't let people's ignorance make you feel like a freak. I'm pretty sure you're way awesome and sucks for them that they can't see that!

twotexans · July 2012

We've been married 5 years and are in our mid/late 30s, so we get this a lot. Initially, I would say hopefully soon. Now, I'm very open. I will say we've had some trouble and a loss, but we are hopeful our time will come very soon. We are fast approaching the 2 year mark of TTC, so I try not to sugar coat it.

pkaren · July 2012

kread8:
pkaren:

I've been asked this question ALOT lately. I'm over 30 and have been married for over a year, so I guess it's time for all these questions to start. I used to get really annoyed by them and didn't know what to say. I've decided to be completely honest to people. Saying something like "oh we're trying" or something like that opens the door to more innapropriate questions and it also feels like I'm lying.

I've started telling people "I had a miscarriage and now I've dealing with some issues, but hopefully we'll be trying again soon." I found that they either just say "oh, so sorry" and move on, or they share there own miscarriage history. I'm actually surprised how many people I say this to have had at least one, or even more. If miscarriage is so common, why are we afraid to talk aboit it? I hate that miscarriage is such a taboo. I don't mind talking about it of people ask.

What do you say when people ask you these questions? What's worked best for for you?

I don't get mad when people ask me something like this, but I have definitely been guilty of asking it of other people pre-m/c. I have started to take the same approach as you - just being honest. I am not the type of person to keep things to myself and pretty open with people. And like you said - the more people I tell about our loss, the more others tell me they had a loss or know of someone who had a loss. In a weird way, it makes me feel better that it's so common - I feel like less of a "freak" or something. And it also helps to hear of people who have had a loss, or multiple losses, who also went on to have healthy babies - that gives me hope.

I also think that in being honest and letting people know that we have had a miscarriage, it enables me to "pay it forward". I have gotten so much support from a few friends that have also had a loss(es) and it has really helped to talk to someone who has been through the same pain. I want to be able to pay that forward and be there for anyone else I know who might have a loss in the future. And if they know that I have had one, then they know I will be there for them to support them.

YES! This is how I feel. Hearing someone else say "Oh I had one too before my kids" or one lady said "I had three" and also has 3 healthy children gives me hope for sure! I also want people to know they can talk to me about it. A woman I work with had one shortly after me, and we've been able to support each other, which is nice!

funny bunny · July 2012

I usually just answer "One day"

I don't really feel like divulging my life story to every person that feels like it's their business..

weaslewam · July 2012

I usually just say something like, "hopefully soon" or something like that. That gets them to stop talking about it or pressuring me.

If I really know them and they don't know that I've had a mc then I'll tell them. Although I have been extremely open by coming out on facebook about it and talking about it relatively openly at times when I can gather the strength.

pkaren · July 2012

weaslewam:

I usually just say something like, "hopefully soon" or something like that. That gets them to stop talking about it or pressuring me.

If I really know them and they don't know that I've had a mc then I'll tell them. Although I have been extremely open by coming out on facebook about it and talking about it relatively openly at times when I can gather the strength.

I haven't come out on FB....sometimes I think I should, but then I chicken out. I don't mind telling people who are in my life now, but the girl I went to high school with and people like that don't really need to know, I don't think!

raashton · July 2012

My response depends on my mood. Usually if it is no one I will ever see again, I just say, "When God decides to send us a baby." or something thereabouts.

I guess the good thing about everyone close to me knowing I wanted children and that we were going to start trying as soon as we got married, they don't ask that question very often- they either know about the m/c and current struggles or (I guess) they assume we are having trouble.

It's strange-I don't get this question that often. I figure that I will start getting it more now that we have been married for a year.

Roxycc55 · July 2012

nola78:

I hate that miscarriage and loss are such taboo subjects! I don't understand the stigma that surrounds them. But I'm also 100% guilty of perpetuating it because I didn't announce my last pregnancy until after the NT scan. Why? I was afraid of a loss (and rightfully so, just with a different timetable).

I only get asked this question now from strangers. And I answer honestly -- that I have a son but that he is not with us. I also answer that way if someone asks me if I have kids. I promised myself after my loss that I would never deny having my son, even if it was to spare someone else's feelings. Other people can just deal.

Before I got pregnant the first time around, I would always answer with a joke because I didn't want there to be any expectations put on us or any unwanted questions. I usually liked to tell people that we would have kids when the research finally endorsed heavy drinking during pregnancy.

EXACTLY. That is me 100%.

P.S. I love your pre-baby response Big Smile

raashton · July 2012

jenek0213:

I've started smiling very sweetly (evilly sweet) saying "when God gives us a baby instead of miscarriages." Usually there is then a polite "I'm so sorry." followed by some kind of 'upbeat' comment like "I'm sure it will be soon." or "There's always adoption." I just continue to smile in this creepy overly sweet manner until they change subjects.

Is it like this??

pkaren · July 2012

raashton:
jenek0213:

I've started smiling very sweetly (evilly sweet) saying "when God gives us a baby instead of miscarriages." Usually there is then a polite "I'm so sorry." followed by some kind of 'upbeat' comment like "I'm sure it will be soon." or "There's always adoption." I just continue to smile in this creepy overly sweet manner until they change subjects.

Is it like this??

Love it! lol.....I hate when people make those stupid comments! Especially "It's nature's way ..... blah blah blah"

Loveniz · July 2012

pkaren:

I've started telling people "I had a miscarriage and now I've dealing with some issues, but hopefully we'll be trying again soon." I found that they either just say "oh, so sorry" and move on, or they share there own miscarriage history. I'm actually surprised how many people I say this to have had at least one, or even more.

I have also been open about my miscarriage. I get asked this question very often, I have been saying "I had a miscarriage and we are now trying again, so hopefully very soon." I find most people say "I'm so sorry," share their story or shut up about it move on.

I also find some people are shocked and not sure how to react when I tell them....somedays this makes he a little happy as I was the one for awhile whom was scared to say anything or the question would make me cringe.

larivierek · July 2012

I also really resent when people make ME feel uncomfortable, or as if I shouldn't acknowledge my baby, just because they will feel awkward about my situation.

I always just say, "We were pg, but our baby passed away. We are still healing emotionally" I'm as honest and upfront as possible, no matter how many prying questions they have. At some point in the conversation, if it gets too rude for me, I'm totally fine with telling them they are being intrusive.

Sometimes, out of bitterness, I perpetuate the conversation. For example, if they say, "Well it will happen before you know it!" I say, "Thanks for that pat answer!"

rlajambe · July 2012

As I lost my daughter so far along, everybody knew I was pregnant. So, in general, I don't really get that question from people.

But I general, I can say there are defineitly alot of women suffering silently with their miscarriages.

BRGregory · August 2012

You're lucky that they waited THAT long to start asking! lol People seriously started asking my husband & I before we were even married. I've always been okay with the thought of not having kids.... however the older I get, and of course since I met my husband, I started having that mommy-urge - kind of. My husband has always wanted a kid and I find it cruel to expect him to give that up just to be married to me, plus I guess its just that feeling of what you do when you're in love. Used to, when people would ask (which is inappropriate in my book anytime) I would always tells them that wasn't going to happen. Now, even though we are trying, I still reply that we're happy with our dog (which is true). We don't want to let the cat out of the bag and open up that door to even more inappropriate questions. The friends we have told rarely bring it up, only on occasion does a couple of my friends bring it up - usually to offer advice, support, or encouragement. It took my best friend something like 6 or 7 months to get pregnant with her first one so shes really been helpful... and happy for us.

Mrs.E.07 · August 2012

I usually say "probably someday, we'll see." Often people respond saying something like oh, so I guess you want to wait till you're done school, right? And I usually just say "yeah." I haven't shared my m/c with anyone except immediate family and 2 very close friends, and I don't want to talk about it with anyone else, but I applaud the courage that those of you have who talk openly about it! And it's great if it can help the subject become less taboo.

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