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Blended Families
Please....someone tell me how to deal. (Long)
Hi,
I never come to this board. For some reason I am in a bit of denial that I have a blended family. I think that it is because it is such a negative situation for me.
How do you deal with a psycho ex? I am nearly 30 and so is she. I try not to ever deal with her directly. Unfortunatley my husband has a wierd work schedule so I sometime have to pick up and drop off his kids as well as watch them for most of thier stay.
His ex talks poorly about me and my husband to the kids. She also tries to set rules in our house for them. She believes everything the kids say no matter how insane it sounds.
One instance her kids told her I locked them out of the house. When I went to pick them up, she had brought her sister for backup and proceeded to confront me about it. I had no problem talking with her about it as it was not true. She got in my face and threatened me while her sister screamed how "I fu*ked her husband" all while her children were standing there and my baby was in the car. Then she threatened me that if I didnt take her kids after this altercation that I would be violating the court orders.
I am so tired of this woman. She recently threatened me that we were going to have another "talk" the next time she saw me because I told her kids when they asked about her applying at my place of employment.
She says that all she does is for her children yet they are often unsupervised while she is drinking with her 18 year old boyfriend.
I am obviously pregnant again. When my husband let her know as a courtesy that we would be going back to the court to modify child support when this baby came, she told him she couldnt believe he would take from their kids to give to ours. As you all know, that is not the case.
I could literally go on and on about this...in fact, at this point, I am sure I am just rambling to get it all out.
What do I do? How do I handle this? I am starting to feel like a crazy person and that I am out of control of my own life when it comes to this whole situation.
Any advise or words would be much appreciated.
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Re: Please....someone tell me how to deal. (Long)
He is not trying to get out of paying. It is called modifying. When there is a substantial change (child care, birth, child turning 18) the agreement you had based on numbers no longer is accurate. Us modifying is about being fair. This next month as we are having a baby, she will no longer have ANY child care. These are huge changes.
firstly, I would look into modifying your visitation so that the children are at your home when your DH is there, they are HIS kids and it is HIS visitation. once in a while/ emergencies are different than YOU spending most of HIS visitation with HIS kids while he works, kwim?
also, ditto PP. I'm pretty sure an additional child does NOT mean a reduction in CS to BM, but it does vary by state, so look into that before you pay all the money to go back to court.
thirdly, you need to either figure out ways for DH to do the pickup/ drop off, bring a "witness" yourself, or meet at a police station/ fire dept etc to exchange the kids, especially if these confrontations are consistent, and are happening in front of the children.
Not sure how old the kids are, but is it possible for you to just let them out of the car, and stay in the car until they are safely in the house. or sit outside and beep or something when you are ready to pick them up in order to avoid confrontation? BM and I do NOT get along, on the few instances that I need to do pickup/ drop off SD is sent outside where I'm waiting in the car in the driveway etc.
Hi, I'm not going to question the modification because I know in my state that the father having more children is considered a change worthy of modification according to our attny, the thought process being that it's not fair to any of the other children the father may have in the future.
I do second PP about having a witness there at pick ups and drop offs. In my town we can ask an off duty constable, or other law enforcement to do this. When we first started to blend our family we had to do this often. It really helped keep the peace in our situation until BM and I were able to form some type of relationship.
I also think that YH needs to try to modify the time he has with his kids do that you are not having to watch them most of the times, especially if they are lying to their mother about what's going on at your house.
id check with your state to see if another child qualifies for a modification, in our state it does but he would have to pay child support to both moms, its not taking away its taking his other children into account, but as we know every state varies.
i totally agree with PP saying he needs to be there with pick ups/drop offs and try to do them in a public place to avoid confrontation. im really sorry this is going on, she needs to me thinking of how this is affecting her kids so best thing to do is go through courts to make sure she cant keep doing things like making a scene.
The kids are 8 and 5. We have kept all documentation of her threats. I have even had to have a civil standby when exchanging the children as she acts like that. Its so hard to deal with though as she goes to the police officer and gives her sob story and of course leaves out everything she does. And again, I am made out to look bad....idk.
I compare it because in our state it is part of reasons listed to modify. I am all about being fair and making sure his kids are well taken care of. However, if her expenses for them go down and ours go up, isn't it fair to adjust accordingly? I think it is completely selfish when parents talk about how unfair it is to adjust money based on new children. ALL children have just as much right to be taken care of equally. What may be an expense for a child at 1 is not going to be the same when they are 12.
We talked about him modifying his time to when he is there. I think that is what we are going to do. It is just such a long process in this state, especially as she is going to fight it the whole way.
BM is getting MORE than enough money for the children. She has lied on numerous occasions about her expenses for them just so "her money wouldn't get taken away". Believe me, if the money was only about the kids, I would have no problem, but it isn't. She actually doesn't even send them to our house with anything besides the shirts on their backs.
We have recently started staying in the car as they are a little older and can walk to her on their own. I just dont do well with confrontation. I understand people don't have to like eachother, but what happened to being civil for the children?
You know what the sick thing is? Is it wasn't even a full hour after they were dropped off to her that she was texting that I need to keep my mouth shut. It's like they jump in the car and unload all of this crap so they please her.
This very same weekend my H and her were talking about having the older of the children come live with us as she is getting out of control at her house. If you really felt that your children were not being taken care of, or you were really concerned about what was happening at our house, why would you even be the one to bring something up like that and consider it?
I feel really bad for the children as they now act like they have to come to our house and bad mouth her. WE ARE NOT OK WITH THAT. We tell them not to come and speak poorly about their mom and it doesn't make us feel better about the whole thing. THIS is how we know that is how they make her happy. Jump in and put them down so you feel superior.
Like others have said, we also try to always go together to get my husbands children. This past January I stayed home one night to get dinner ready and he went by himself and turns out, he was bitten before he could get back in the vehicle and get the kids back to our house. its crazy how some moms can act and in front of their children. and the craziest part is my husband is a police officer!
So...again since that isntance we ALWAYS make sure nobody is alone and it is done in a public place now so nobody is forcing their way into the other vehicle again and no biting takes place. also it has kept from any disagreements that were always brought up in person with children present instead of through emails/phone calls. If you are by yourself because of his work schedule, just try to bring a friend or family member with you. i have done this in the past with my own mother, an in law or a friend. and like i said, a public place is always a good option.
as far as handling things though, you learn to only be supportive and give your suggestions and help as much as possible to make things easier for your hsuband. We have gone through some pretty bad arguments because as a woman we become so emotionally involved and even though they aren't our kids we treat them as they are and feel as they are but in all reality, you still have to step back and let them handle those problems. Don't let his ex pull you into her drama she's wanting to create. Always smile and be the bigger person. the kids will appreciate it too even if they don't notice it right now.
Honestly, this response just made me cry. I think you are right about women getting emotionally involved. I just want everything to work out for everyone. It is so hard when you are apart of something, but not really. Thanks.
We allowed this schedule to happen as I was trying to be mature about her wanting her weekends. I think you are 100% right that this will have to be changed.
As a BM, I am wondering how your CS is calculated, and why you think the BM gets more CS than the children "need". In my state, CS is based on both birth parent's income. So the state assumes that I am also paying CS, they jsut don't take it out of my check. It's not a magical number that the courts just pick. My XH pays his half, and I pay mine.
I am confused why a modification doesn't take away from his current child? I TOTALLY get revisiting the daycare amount, if she no longer uses daycare, no reason to pay something the child isn't getting. But other than that, how is lowering CS for the current child NOT taking away from them? The kid doesn't magically cost less because a new baby is born. I see you requiring the BM to now start paying more for her portion of CS, as you would be removing part of the BF's portion.
I am NOT being snarky, I am honestly curious. As for drop-offs, I am so sorry you are dealing with that. I am more sorry the kids have to deal with that. That sucks a lot.
She doesn't spend the money on them. I know this. We come from a small area so what she says about all of that gets back to us. She feels so comfortable with the amount she gets that she went as far as purchasing a home and then deciding to work part time for no reason. How is it ok for her to decide she doesn't need to work full time, not have her kids as they are in school and still demand an amount that was based on full time child care and 3 children being factored in. In my state, they factor the amount of children my husband cares for. If they had more child care then ours, that would be a factor. If we have more child care then they do, that becomes a factor.
I am not coming on here stating blind information. Believe me, I have done my homework. I know these are not numbers just made up by the court.
I have heard this before from BM`s on this board but this statement makes me angry. Why should I not be able to have a child with my husband simply because he had a child before we met. He is not trying to stop paying support, just requesting a modification based on the fact that now his money has to stretch further. This happens in intact families as well. When you are an only child you may get a bit spoiled and when another child comes along parents may need to scale back a bit.
THANK YOU!!!!
yeah...b*tch be trippin.... : )
She was mad that we weren't sending SD to gymnastics that evening because she asked to stay home to help me with my plans to help get things ready for my nieces 2nd birthday party which indluded cupcakes and things that any little girl wants to help with. she was 6 years old and gymnastics is just a cheap passtime she does during the winter twice a week. She freaked on him and he told her she can't tell him what to do with the kids when they're with him and she kept forcing herself into our vehicle, had the kids crying, yelling at them to unbuckle and get out and when he put his arm over the cardoor to keep her from entering the second time she leaned down and bit him. he had the bite marks up until about midnight that night still and it happened at 5pm. I was absolutely livid when i saw the actual marks on his arm!!! all because of 1 missed gymnastics. come to find out, SD has told me in the past she has missed with mom to do other nonsense things. and we really don't care. as long as the child is where they want to be and not being forced out of it or into it.