Just emailed my MIL to politely ask her not to touch my stomach...

Befuel · July 2012

We had a few of my husband's family members here this weekend, including my MIL, and they all took it upon themselves to rub my stomach like they were trying to get to the genie in the lamp. At first they would ask but after a while they just started reaching for my bump. My MIL kept saying she wanted to feel her move and would just keep her hands on my stomach. I tried to let it go because I know everyone is excited, but I confessed to my husband that I felt like a zoo animal with the constant petting. It didn't help that every time we tried to hold a conversation she would bring it back to the baby - I think she thinks of me as a vessel for her grandchild and little else.

Anyway, I sent her an email this morning basically saying that I know everyone's excited but that it made me uncomfortable for anyone other than DH to rub on me and I hope she understood. I know most people don't want strangers touching them, but I'm at the point where I don't want ANYONE touching me, even family members. I'm just curious if anyone else feels this way and if so, how did you handle it without hurting people's feelings?

iadanza · July 2012

I totally feel this way. I HATE when people touch my bump. I have to bite my tongue to not tell them, um excuse me, it's not ok to touch my stomach without a baby in it and it's still not right now. You are braver than I, it comes up a lot in conversations wherein people will ask about how I like it when people touch my stomach without asking and I tell them the truth, that I hate it, but I can never get the balls to say it otherwise. I have a friend that will just sit there really close to me with her hands on my belly, like just waiting for him to kick, and it drives be BSC because I know he's not going to start kicking, and I just want to tell her this but I know it will hurt her feelings. I swear our bumps have like a magnet in them or something. I really hate it.

brandyleighxx · July 2012

Wow, good for you.

disneydiva34345 · July 2012

Wow... BALLS. That's all I gotta say! LOL

JennDave+1 · July 2012

Befuel:

We had a few of my husband's family members here this weekend, including my MIL, and they all took it upon themselves to rub my stomach like they were trying to get to the genie in the lamp. At first they would ask but after a while they just started reaching for my bump. My MIL kept saying she wanted to feel her move and would just keep her hands on my stomach. I tried to let it go because I know everyone is excited, but I confessed to my husband that I felt like a zoo animal with the constant petting. It didn't help that every time we tried to hold a conversation she would bring it back to the baby - I think she thinks of me as a vessel for her grandchild and little else.

Anyway, I sent her an email this morning basically saying that I know everyone's excited but that it made me uncomfortable for anyone other than DH to rub on me and I hope she understood. I know most people don't want strangers touching them, but I'm at the point where I don't want ANYONE touching me, even family members. I'm just curious if anyone else feels this way and if so, how did you handle it without hurting people's feelings?

I would have to say that you prob did hurt her feelings. I just let it go they are just excited. Not really a big deal. But if that is they way you feel then maybe she can spread the word not to touch your belly.

HeiferBaby · July 2012

Hmmm, So they asked and got permission and now your bothered by it so you sent an email. I would expect some negative feed back. Why didnt you just say something to her then or inperson the next time you see her? Sending an email is not the way to go, your tone and feelings really cant be understood, it very impersonal and kinda rude, imo. I honestly feel if you spoke with her in person she would be a lot more understanding and compasionate. How would you feel getting an email correcting your behavior?

byrne15 · July 2012

JennDave+1:
Befuel:

We had a few of my husband's family members here this weekend, including my MIL, and they all took it upon themselves to rub my stomach like they were trying to get to the genie in the lamp. At first they would ask but after a while they just started reaching for my bump. My MIL kept saying she wanted to feel her move and would just keep her hands on my stomach. I tried to let it go because I know everyone is excited, but I confessed to my husband that I felt like a zoo animal with the constant petting. It didn't help that every time we tried to hold a conversation she would bring it back to the baby - I think she thinks of me as a vessel for her grandchild and little else.

Anyway, I sent her an email this morning basically saying that I know everyone's excited but that it made me uncomfortable for anyone other than DH to rub on me and I hope she understood. I know most people don't want strangers touching them, but I'm at the point where I don't want ANYONE touching me, even family members. I'm just curious if anyone else feels this way and if so, how did you handle it without hurting people's feelings?

I would have to say that you prob did hurt her feelings. I just let it go they are just excited. Not really a big deal. But if that is they way you feel then maybe she can spread the word not to touch your belly.

Although I would never rub my daughter-in-laws belly, I would be so sad if I received an email like that honestly.

Kie310 · July 2012

With my first I made it VERY clear every time I was with people, family or not, that they weren't allowed to touch me. I don't like to be touched, I don't want to be touched - if you ask nicely I might say yes, most likely not, and you have to deal because it's my body. I'm not saying people didn't express their upset about it but I had no issues! I will do the same this time.

Faith 21 · July 2012

I like to call this pregnancy courage. lol I get it all the time and have to tell how i feel. I hate anyone besides my SO touching it. sometimes I let my mom but she never does it without me telling me if its okay.

Ladiebug710 · July 2012

Good for you!

mindymaske · July 2012

I agree with Laura, you shoulda just asked your hubby to address it with his mom

pixieprincss · July 2012

Setting healthy boundaries--even tough ones-- in a respectful way always earns two thumbs up in my book. That said, I rarely find email to be the best medium for any sort of tough discussion. Talking in-person is almost always best because you get the benefit of body language and voice tone to soften things.

LittleApple · July 2012

disneydiva34345:
Wow... BALLS. That's all I gotta say! LOL

Yeah seriously. I think maybe a face to face convo might have been the better route here. Sometimes emails can come off as being very bitchy.

MarisaKathleen · July 2012

Maybe it's my pregnancy hormones, but I think it was sort of a jerk move.

If I were your MIL I'd be ticked off, or my feelings would be hurt. I'm sure she'll respond politely, depending on your relationship, but you might have really hurt her feelings.

cbj09 · July 2012

Bold!

My MIL would probably cry, but she also doesn't touch my belly. (Though I know she totally wanted to... but she never asked.)

I had a friend come in for a shower from across the country. I was excited to see her at first, but after about half a day I felt like ALL she could do was touch my belly. I didn't say anything at the time because there was so many people around the entire weekend and I didn't want to hurt her feelings. I don't mind the occasional rub, but constantly is exactly as you said - a zoo.

That said, I probably hurt her feelings more by border-line avoiding her at times than I would have if I had just said something to her directly.

AnotherPreggo · July 2012

HeiferBaby:
Hmmm, So they asked and got permission and now your bothered by it so you sent an email. I would expect some negative feed back. Why didnt you just say something to her then or inperson the next time you see her? Sending an email is not the way to go, your tone and feelings really cant be understood, it very impersonal and kinda rude, imo. I honestly feel if you spoke with her in person she would be a lot more understanding and compasionate. How would you feel getting an email correcting your behavior?

This.

tinyhumantoe · July 2012

Indifferent whoa.

I'm not confrontational, so there's that, but I'm sure the email hurt her feelings whether you intended for that to happen or not. If you have the balls to stand up for yourself, then kudos to you (I do not). I think it should have been said when it was happening instead of in an email, which seems cowardly and cruel. For me, it wouldn't be worth the permanent damage to our relationship..... I hope you don't regret it! I'm sure she will hold it against you for the next 30 years!

That said, I can't stand being touched. I figure if I can't say no to people, then I just have to deal with it. I am such a coward about sticking up for myself that I have developed ways to keep people away from me. I keep my distance from people who are obvious tummy rubbers. If I get rubbed, I make an excuse to turn away or go "grab something from the kitchen." I keep my own arms on my stomach while they try to rub, leaving them very little room to molest me and usually getting my point across. When I sit down, I turn my body so my belly faces the side of the couch. In your situation, I probably would have just avoided close contact with MIL.

ETA: Faking gassy stomach pains will usually keep people away too. Seriously!

MrsRidge2005 · July 2012

I think you're being overly sensitive here. I don't see what the big deal was; they're excited and wanting to feel the baby. It's not like they felt you up or anything, they just rubbed your belly. I also agree with PPs that if you had an issue with it at the time you should have found a way to say something at the time in a non confrontational way, by sending the email they're definitely going to see you having a chip on your shoulder. It does seem cowardly too to send something over email and not say something in person. If I got an email after the fact about something like this it would piss me off frankly and I would think you're just over thinking this.

brideandbreve · July 2012

Kittery16:
HeiferBaby:
Hmmm, So they asked and got permission and now your bothered by it so you sent an email. I would expect some negative feed back. Why didnt you just say something to her then or inperson the next time you see her? Sending an email is not the way to go, your tone and feelings really cant be understood, it very impersonal and kinda rude, imo. I honestly feel if you spoke with her in person she would be a lot more understanding and compasionate. How would you feel getting an email correcting your behavior?
This.

Yes

ilovelife · July 2012

mindymaske:
I agree with Laura, you shoulda just asked your hubby to address it with his mom

This. I can't imagine getting an email from someone about a problem they had with me. I'd feel horrible! Hopefully you can call mil tonight and explain yourself better. Emails are just stinky in terms of communicating feelings.

MomiJerz · July 2012

Wow that was an a$$ move, I am very outspoken but I pick and choose my battles and certain ones aren't worth it....

downwardsunshine · July 2012

JennDave+1:
I would have to say that you prob did hurt her feelings. I just let it go they are just excited. Not really a big deal. But if that is they way you feel then maybe she can spread the word not to touch your belly.

This. It is totally not a big deal to me and I certainly would not make an issue out of it with my MIL via E-mail. What is it with people saying things they wouldn't say to someone's face in an e-mail?

[Deleted User] · July 2012

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drubie · July 2012

Ok, yes, the email was probably not the best way to approach the situation, but I do think it's one thing for someone to touch your belly for a moment, and another thing to hold their hand there for a long period of time to feel kicks, etc. To me, that behavior (esp. if it's repeated over and over again) crosses a line. I would only ever be ok with that if I invited someone to feel the baby kick, and showed them where to feel, etc. It might have been cute at first, but for the entire day, it was definitely too much. You might want to follow up with your mother in law, and let her know that you hope your previous email didn't come off the wrong way, just that you would like to be the one to invite people to touch your belly with the baby's kicking.

mlf625 · July 2012

LOL. You're ridiculous.

Eastie156 · July 2012

But it's your MIL! I could see if it were a perfect stranger! I don't get what the big deal is.

[Deleted User] · July 2012

The user and all related content has been deleted.

Rmoslen225 · July 2012

I told everyone in the beginning that i didnt want my belly rubbed all of the time. i really dont like being touched so constant belly rubs would have made me feel very uncomfortable. BUT since saying i dont want my belly touched, everytime i see my MIL the first thing out of her mouth is " Im not touching your belly!" which is funny the first time but since she says it everytime i see her now its getting old... she also told people in husbands family that since i dont want her touching my stomach ( which it just isnt her.its everyone) that I am keeping her away from her baby... she has taken it way too far just because it makes me uncomfortable with all kinds of people touching me.

Mrs.S-S · July 2012

You really thought email was the best possible way to handle this situation? Really?

Rachelilly23 · July 2012

All I have to say is don't be surprised if your relationship with your MIL is now trashed. That's not really something you ask someone through email... if it were me and I was really that uncomfortable, I'd ask DH to address it with her.

kcalpin · July 2012

Most of the people that know me know that I have personal space issues and don't like being touched. However, when someone close to me (relative or close friend) asks to touch, I suck it up and deal. They just want to show love to my son. I wouldn't have written that email. I'm sure it was very polite, but she's your child's grandmother and she's excited.

blindvictory · July 2012

LoveLossHopeRepeat:
The title of this thread is misleading, 'cause there's nothing "polite" about what you did.
I'm not suggesting that you have to consent to being touched if you're uncomfortable with it. I can't relate to that, since it doesn't bother me, but we all have our own levels of comfort. You're entitled. But your post makes it sound like you DID give permission, but somewhere along the line it became too much. And instead of speaking up, quietly and politely so as not to embarrass your MIL, you emailed her later about it. That's not ballsy. That's biitchy.

Yes I have had my conflicts with my MIL, but I would never email her to tell her not to try and feel her grandchild move. That seems incredibly selfish.

JessAndTrav · July 2012

I can't imagine emailing my MIL and asking her to stop touching my stomach.

I understand being uncomfortable with the strangers touching you, but it's your MIL, and I feel that if it bothers you that she was touching you so frequently, an email is NOT the way to solve the problem.

I have a good relationship with my MIL and I feel like if she was doing something that bothered me, I would just talk with her about it, not hide behind an email.

lildevil968 · July 2012

HeiferBaby:
Hmmm, So they asked and got permission and now your bothered by it so you sent an email. I would expect some negative feed back. Why didnt you just say something to her then or inperson the next time you see her? Sending an email is not the way to go, your tone and feelings really cant be understood, it very impersonal and kinda rude, imo. I honestly feel if you spoke with her in person she would be a lot more understanding and compasionate. How would you feel getting an email correcting your behavior?

All of this.

libra31 · July 2012

LauraT25:
I know it can be hard to speak up, but it really is better to say something in the moment. I think that letting someone touch/rub your belly, especially to that extent, and then sending an e-mail asking her not to do it again is just kind of odd.

This exactly. Either have the courage to tell someone to their face or say no when they ask or let it go. After the fact is a little petty imo!

landosmommy · July 2012

Yeah, I think you could have gone about it in a better way, like in person.

lynn3yb00 · July 2012

I found a shirt that DH has promised to buy once my bump is showing. It says "Unless you are the one who put this baby in here or the one who is taking this baby out don't touch the belly." I am big on not having people come up and touch me, even on the shoulder in the store or something, and I can only see it getting worse.

Hyaline · July 2012

"How to handle it without hurting people's feelings"?

Well, anytime you correct someone's innocent behavior because of a personal preference, chances are you're going to hurt feelings. Sorry, but I'd be prepared for some backlash or avoidance from MIL.

Have you considered when she kept bringing the convo back to the baby and wanting to touch the bump that she's just really excited? I know it can be annoying (I'd rather not be pawed and have the entire focus of the convo be my expanding belly) but still--it's also temporary. And in this case sounds really temporary--they were here for the weekend, but how often do you really see them?

This is one of those things that my advice would have been "just let it go" and since you brought it up...I'd say to anyone else, "just let it go." And if you have to say something, say it in person, preferably keeping it light ("Hey now, if this is going to be a petting zoo, I expect to get a snack like the animals do!")

blindvictory · July 2012

lynn3yb00:
I found a shirt that DH has promised to buy once my bump is showing. It says "Unless you are the one who put this baby in here or the one who is taking this baby out don't touch the belly." I am big on not having people come up and touch me, even on the shoulder in the store or something, and I can only see it getting worse.

And you're going to wear this shirt every single time you leave the house for the duration of your pregnancy? Riiiiight. Honestly, I do not see the big deal with letting family members touch your belly. If you have that bad of a relationship with your MIL, you might want to look into some family therapy sessions.

AKWinterBride · July 2012

I'm with the main poster here, I don't want anyone but my husband and my Mom to touch me. No MIL, no SIL, no anyone other than the people I feel comfortable with. This is going to be a huge issue the further we get into our pregnancy, but I don't really care - why should I have to feel uncomfortable just because they are excited?

mrs.kapow · July 2012

AKWinterBride:
I'm with the main poster here, I don't want anyone but my husband and my Mom to touch me. No MIL, no SIL, no anyone other than the people I feel comfortable with. This is going to be a huge issue the further we get into our pregnancy, but I don't really care - why should I have to feel uncomfortable just because they are excited?

And good luck saying, 'Oh, mom, it's ok, but MIL can't touch." She is YH's mother and it's still her grandchild. I'm not saying it has to be all the time, but she is allowed to be excited and want to feel the baby move.

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