Suggestions/words of comfort for new Angel Mommies

foxxy1 · June 2012

Hi Ladies,

We've had a few new Angel Moms this week. I know most (if not all) have individually responded to their posts but I was hoping if we can have just one thread where they come and get advice, words of comfort? Rainbow Mamas, please feel free to participate.

I'll start:

The first few days/weeks/possibly months are going to be a very challenging time. You'll be very emotional from crying a lot to being angry at anyone and everything to questioning your religious beliefs (if you have any). If you don't want to talk about what happened quite yet, don't force yourself. Please know that how you feel is normal and know that it's okay to laugh and smile. I also recommend if you're on any social networking sites such as Facebook, to maybe take a small break from it.

There is no textbook on how to grieve and no right way to do it. There is also no timeline. But please, if you feel you want to harm yourself, seek professional help.

You'll have a new 'normal' of life now and it does get a little easier. You'll find eventually you'll smile more than you cry and you can think about your angel without breaking down first. Try not to feel guilty about what happened. You now have a really strong support group right here and we all support each other through it all: good, funny, wonderful, bad, ugly. You will never be alone here and you're among friends.

Petunia844 · June 2012

This is a great idea Foxy. I think the most important thing I could say is just be patient with what you've been through. Have patience with yourself and with your significant other. Don't expect yourself to cry, don't expect yourself to stop crying, don't expect yourself to laugh, don't expect yourself not to laugh... the hardest thing when you're grieving such a devastating loss is worrying about how you "should" be acting. If you have a moment of happiness, embrace it as a gift from your angel, know that he or she would want you to have that moment. If you don't have any moments of happiness, that's ok too... there is no right or wrong place to be.

You and your significant other will grieve differently. He loves your baby, but he did not carry him or her, he had a very different relationship with your baby. If you need something from him he's not giving you, tell him, but with kindness and patience.

Just know that it's true, it seems like there's no way out of the fog right now...and yes, your life has changed forever... but you will find your new normal. You will learn to embrace the time you had with your angel. Just big hugs to you all, and always know that when it feels like nobody understands, we do. We always will.

Heatherhah · June 2012

Great idea Foxxy-

My suggestion is to make sure that you eat. I didn't for over 2 weeks and it made life so much harder. The loss of your daughter was really the first and only tragic thing to happen to my family in terms of being a baby and not an elderly person.

I also learned that people may not be able to talk toy ou at all after your loss and thats okay because honestly we scare the normal people out there since our reality is so unreal they just don't get it and again in my mind its okay I don't want them to know what we feel becasuse what we all feel sucks and I wish this one no one.

I also suggest grief counseling and that might not be for everyone but I tell you for me my counselor helped me more than anyone else I know. She saved me from my own mind.

I wish i could hug all the new moms because I know in the beginning hugs kept me going!!!

Heather

lhakers · June 2012

This is a great idea...

I agree with PPosters... there is not set way to grieve. You may be angry, sad, frustrated, or not have any emotion at all... and if you find yourself laughing or smiling...don't feel guilty... it is ok to still find happiness in things. Our babies want us to be happy...to smile... to laugh... If you snap at someone... it's ok... you are allowed to be angry. It is normal to feel lost...or to just feel helpless... people may tell you things that hurt...like "At least you can have more babies..." or "there is always next time..." or "They are in a better place..." and you will think...Yes there is always next time...yes I may be able to have more babies... but they will never replace THIS baby... and when they say that your baby may be in a better place...you may wonder 'Was my home not good enough?' All of these things are OK. Know that we are here for you...for whatever you need....if you need to scream...cry...share a fond memory...anything...we are here.

And to answer the very common question "Will this get any easier?" For me...no... it does not get easier... it just becomes more managable. You will always remember.

pottermommy · June 2012

Remember that this is your baby. You need to focus on you, not everyone around you. They will be there and it doesn't matter if they see you in a fog or sobbing. Your grief is what matters. Yes they are all sad too but in your head you need to make sure that everything you do is centered around what will help you get through.

Do whatever makes you feel like you are remember your LO and makes you feel happy, good, productive, better. You aren't going to feel like you used to and you never will but the smallest guesture that helps you feel not so depressed those are the steps to follow. Eventually they are what will lead you to your new normal.

You are a mommy. You will always and forever be a mommy. Nothing NOTHING negates that. Take your time to love every memory and every moment spent with your baby. The more you remember the less you will be afraid to forget. (Not that you will, but you will be afraid you are going to)

Don't listen to the stupid crap people say. They don't know, they likely never will and they just want to help, they just don't know how so they fail miserably in most instances. Don't get angry with them for it, they can't help it, but when their feet have not been down the same road yo uare on they tend to fit very well inside that persons mouth.

If you don't think you can handle it, you likely can't so don't force it. Time will not heal so much but it will change you and make you see though the pain and then you will be able to live and do things that you think you "should" be doing. Don't push yourself, take the time to grieve, be sad, be devestated, fall down, get up, fall down, crawl, get back up slip and slide your way down the road and grow with your grief. You will learn it, it jsut takes time and patience.

You do not have to be strong!

Your baby loves you and always will. No one will replace that.

If someone offers to do something tp help, ie cook, clean, drive....LET THEM!

ANd be nice to yourself. No one knows you bettter than you do.

careyalis · June 2012

I've been MIA for awhile, but I will offer my 2 cents too I'm so incredibly sorry for all of the new moms who have found themselves here.

My number one piece of advice is to worry about yourself first. Don't feel guilty for making other people unconfortable--do what you have to do to heal. If you want an open casket, to show pictures, or to simple acknowledge your baby in everyday conversation-do it. Other people are scared of the unkown. Many will be afraid to talk to you at all. 5 minutes of uncomfortableness for someone is is NOTHING compared to having to live life without your child--they will be fine.

Nothing about this is normal and everyone will grieve differently. I have always considered myself to be a pretty sane and level headed individual, but there have been times through this journey where I have felt like a crazy person. It is okay to feel crazy--this doesn't mean you are really a nutcase.

Your husband and you will most likely cling to each other in the very beginning, but there will come a time when your emotions start to change. Men typically "move on" a lot faster than women. It doesn't mean that they are not hurting just as much as you are, but it is their defense mechanism for dealing with the sadness. Learn to be gentle with your spouse. Tell him how you are feeling and let him know of your needs. Encourage him to talk about his feelings as well and let him know that he does not always have to appear strong for you.

Your milk will come in and it will be awful. It will be painful both mentally and physically. Have breast pads ready to stick in your bra and put cabbage leaves on your boobs to dry them up. Wear a couple of really tight sports bras all the time to help them dry.

It doesn't matter what you wear to your baby's funeral. Just throw on a maternity shirt and some pants--please do not subject yourself to a shopping trip straight out of the hospital. Nothing will fit for awhile--be gentle with yourself.

No matter what you decide to do, about anything on this journey, it will be the right decision. Take care of yourself and do whatever it takes to make you feel better. It is hard to imagine now, but it will get easier. The pain will never go away, but you will learn to deal with it better over time. Hang in there!

JessicaRobb · June 2012

1. You will smile again.

2. You will look back on your pregnancy with love. Of course you would choose a different outcome if you could, but you will be happy you got to know your little one.

3. You will learn about yourself and you will look at others differently. You will never assume you know what anyone is going through.

4. Your baby only ever knew love.

**Hugs to all our mamas, this new life is hard**

Gizu92708 · June 2012

This is a great idea. I've been only lurking because I've been in the dumps a few weeks but I really wanted to post here because only we know what each is going through: 1. Think about yourself and Dh. Don't worry about any one else right now. Sounds harsh, but you 2 are the ones hurting the most right now. 2. Like Heather said, EAT. I did the same. I wouldn't eat and in the end only felt worse. 3. If you want to cry, cry. If you want to laugh or smile, do that too.anything is ok. 4. People talk so much garbage it's ridiculous. Ignore it. Your baby is irreplaceable. No other future baby that may come along or any that you already have will replace the one you lost. 5. If you have any thoughts of harming yourself please tell someone so they can help. Your baby does not want you to hurt yourself. They want you to be happy. 6. It's ok if you can't visit your babies if they are at the cemetery. I remember the first 3 months I couldn't go. I would cry so hard it was not good for me. Now I go almost every Sunday with Dh and I love to bring my baby things to put in his grave. I know his soul is with God but I still like to put things there for him and that's ok too. I pray for each and every one of the new angel mammas and the ones that also have been here for longer. This is the worst thing anyone can go through. I'm so deeply sorry about your losses.

nuttycoconut · June 2012

I haven't been around that much either so I am so sorry to the new moms on here for your devastating losses.

I agree with all of the above! Those wonderful loss mommas really know what they are talking about

1. Try to find a support group. I go to support group and I'm in therapy.I thought I didn't need it, but after 3 months I needed it more than ever. 2. Take as much time off of work as you need/can. I took 9 weeks off from work and needed every moment. I could have used more time off. 3. You have friends who will amaze you and friends who will disappoint you. Same with family members and strangers. I try not to take it personally because they really just don't know what to do or say. But don't cut them too much slack. I think weddedwife said that it takes 2 seconds to google "what to say when a person loses their baby." She's right. I did that 3 years ago when my friend lost her baby. 4. I found it handy to have a list of things to say to people who say really stupid $hit. "Don't worry, you'll have more kids" "I know I will have more kids, however, Max and Molly were irreplaceable." Each time you have a retort back to the stupid comments, you feel a little bit stronger. 5. My husband and I grieved similarly in the beginning and then we alternated. When I would break down, he was my rock. Then I was strong and he would break down. My therapist actually said that was good. He needs quiet to help him grieve and I need to talk about the babies. So you'll have to work through what you both need and compromise. 6. One day you will feel a few minutes of peace. Then another day you'll feel a few hours of peace. Then a whole day! Then a few days and maybe a week. But then you might have a really horrible day or week. Or month. It's all normal. 7. If there is someone in your life who is repeatedly (unknowingly) saying hurtful things, say something. You have already been through enough pain to last a lifetime. Don't let people cause you more pain. I had to have some frank discussions with my mom and some of my girlfriends. It was uncomfortable at first but then it was worth it! 8. Take your due date off from work. You might need it. 9. Take care of yourself. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. 10. You don't have to put away the baby things right away. It's been almost 6 months and I still have the baby room set up. As long as you're comfortable, it doesn't matter. Plus, you will need it again someday.

whiteroses05 · June 2012

****Siggy Warning****

Love this idea!! I will try to add as much as I can!! You all have said some really good things already!!

This path you are now taking is not one we all want for yourselves but I promise you will get through this!! The best way it was described to me is that you are on a rollercoaster of emotions. You will have a good day, moments, week, and also not so good day, moments, weeks. It doesn't make you weak or not strong for your baby. Your lo is with you every step of the way cheering you on!! The worst thing you can do is try to be strong for everyone around you and not deal with your emotions. If you feel like you need to walk away and let go then by all means.

Try to live for you and your lo not to the what you think others expect of you. Only you know what you can handle.

I also agree with PP. One of the hardest things for me was dealing with my H way of grieving. He tends to deal with it seperately without talking about it. I, on the other hand, NEED to talk about it. Just know that no matter were you and your siginficant other is, you both need to be supportive towards each other. Also everything you are feeling is in no way wrong.

Also talk to someone outside your significant other. You can always talk us, but it is good to have someone who is close to you. I really hope you find comfort on this board. Know this is a place where you can come without judgement and have support. These ladies are wonderful!! I am so sorry for your loss and that you have to be here!!

cherrycobbler · June 2012

This is such a great idea, and I can't think of anything that really hasn't been said.

I will say that your relationships will change, with your family, your friends and your spouse. A lot of people don't know how to react when a baby dies, it's not supposed to happen and they may say things you find hurtful. Don't feel like you shouldn't tell them how their words hurt. Your husband might grieve differently. He might not cry or want to talk about it, it does not mean he does not care-he does love his baby.

This is an emotional roller coaster ride. You might be angry, then sad, then laughing, then irritable, then back to sad. It's all normal.

It's ok to talk about your baby to others and to display or show photos and mementos of your baby, even if yours passed before birth. They were your baby and you can talk about them if you want to.

If you feel like you just are not coping well, you are unable to sleep, eat, have terrible anxiety or want to harm yourself; there is no shame in seeking professional help. It does not mean you are "crazy".

Try to be kind to yourself. If you are having a good day, don't feel guilty. Embrace it, your baby would want you to be happy.

Know that you are not alone. We may not have the exact same situation as you, but we all know the pain of losing a child, and you are free to talk about them all you need to here. And we all love you.

eroplane · July 2012

Big, big hugs to you. I am so sorry you have found yourself here.

All our babies knew was love. They were loved the minute we found out we were pregnant and we continue to love them to this day.

You are a mom. Just because you don't have your baby to hold does not make you any less of a mother.

It's okay to not be religious. There are many loss momma's who identify as spiritual but not religious. Atheist or agnostic. If this is you, you are not alone. I felt much more alone because I did/do not believe my babies are floating around in the clouds. It's just not for me. The term angel-babies weirds me out because I picture them with tiny wings on their tiny bodies. Sorry, if this offends but I would have liked to see more non-religious blogs/posts/readings when I was fresh into my losses.

You will get all kinds of responses from people. People that you thought were friends may distance themselves. Others that you haven't been close with may be a big source of support. It hurt me the most when people said stupid things or when they ignored them all together. When I pointed out people's behavior I was often met with the comment "people just don't know how to act". Well I am sorry but I just lost my babies and I don't know how to act! Show some respect people and balls up!!

It has helped me immensely to talk about my babies and show off their pictures. I have made several books on Shutterfly, some fancy and some to keep with me at all times. I love, love, love showing off their pictures. Even if it makes me cry.

So sorry for your loss(es). Big, big hugs.

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