Would you judge me?

sroszc · July 2012

So I'm currently staying at home with C and due in November with #2. Carson is so fun but he's a handful, always on the move and always busy as I'm sure most of you can relate to.

Obviously the first few months of having a newborn in the house are really, really hard. DH runs his own business and a staff of 10 women (really makes him just not want to have to deal with drama when he gets home). He has been a big proponent of getting a nanny for when #2 is born. He mentioned a year or two the other day and I was originally thinking 3 to 6 months. Regardless, I guess I'll be hiring a nanny. I'll probably do 3 or 4 weekdays, 7 am until Carson goes down for his nap. I feel like that might allow me a nap some days and just time to really enjoy one on one time with my new baby. I also like that Carson will have someone there to spend some great one one one time with him. It will also alleviate both of our fear of DH coming home and me just throwing 2 kids at him while I lock myself in the bathroom to shower. He works really hard and really needs to decompress when he gets home, and that is so important to him he's willing to get me whatever help I need to allow him that.

I know some of my friends will roll their eyes that I SAH and have a nanny. Would you judge? Just curious.

[Deleted User] · July 2012

I'll sit on the bench with you - I'm planning on sending P to DC still. It's good for her to get out & be active. With a newborn, that's just not going to happen. You need to do what is best for your family, regardless of what other people think.

kj07 · July 2012

I'll be honest - I might roll my eyes a little bit, but (again with the honesty) it'd be motivated by jealousy.

Lots of people continue to send child #1 to daycare while home on maternity leave with child #2. Or they send the older child to a MDO program while they stay with the younger child. In the grand scheme of things I don't see how this is all that different.

You guys should do what's right for your family!

TripMomma · July 2012

I have 4 kids 4 and under and wish I could hire a mother's helper

I am sure you will get some eye rolls, but what ever makes mom and dad happy makes babies happy too.

lrn327 · July 2012

If you can afford it, it would be nice to have a bit of help during the day so you could spend some individual time with each child. I think that is important, so I definitely don't judge. Carson would start pre-school around 3 maybe right so perhaps it would make sense up until that time. It sounds like it would be a really good thing for your family!

TMNTgirl · July 2012

No judgement from me here.

I work part-time and my MIL/mom trade off days watching DS when I'm at work 3x a week. Now that I'm on maternity leave they are sticking to the normal routine with him and plan on keeping it up once I have the baby as well.

DS LOVES spending time with his grandma's and they obviously love it too. I don't want him to get out of his routines with them when I am home and want to keep things as "normal" as possible for him with all the changes going on in our family.

I'm sure people might judge me - but oh well. I'm enjoying having some time to myself to catch up on things around the house while DS is at my mom's house today. And I am hoping that once the baby is here it'll give me some time to bond with #2 and help with the guilt that DS1 isn't getting enough attention.

My mom/MIL have also mentioned that when I'm home on leave they could come over in the mornings and watch #2 for a few hours while I get out of the house to spend some one-on-one time with DS1.

After "trying to do it all myself" a little too much last time with a newborn, I'm taking all the help I can get this time around and won't judge any other mama for doing the same.

GrayGhost13 · July 2012

If you can afford it and it helps you find the balance you need, then good for you. I don't care how other people manage their households as long as it works for them. No eyerolls from me.

H and I were just talking about what we'd do if I had a more demanding job (with travel and overtime and such...just theoretical, not planning this soon), and we were thinking we'd first spend the money on reducing the housekeeping load (getting someone to clean & do laundry for us, getting groceries delivered, more healthy convenience food, etc.) before we'd hire childcare ... but in some situations having a part time nanny or pre-school setting might also make sense, so I guess it's hard to say until you're in that situation.

Five Months to Plan · July 2012

If you can afford it and it helps keep your family sane and happy do it. You need to think of the health of your whole family, and if this keep you and your marriage healthy do it.

sroszc · July 2012

lrn327:
If you can afford it, it would be nice to have a bit of help during the day so you could spend some individual time with each child. I think that is important, so I definitely don't judge. Carson would start pre-school around 3 maybe right so perhaps it would make sense up until that time. It sounds like it would be a really good thing for your family!

That's a good idea. I am definitely considering sending him to some sort of preschool next fall (2013).

sroszc · July 2012

TMNTgirl:
After "trying to do it all myself" a little too much last time with a newborn, I'm taking all the help I can get this time around and won't judge any other mama for doing the same.

I did this the first time (tried to do it all myself with no help) and it really took a toll on me. Guess that's why I'm having a hard time accepting the help this time, I think I'm Superwoman

JoJoMama730 · July 2012

Like an OP said, I kinda think a learning center/daycare might be beneficial in some ways - interacting with kids, working on his immune system (ha ha), making friends, and learning too (not that those things won't happy with a nanny too, but a center is different). You also might like that he's out of the house. In the nanny situation, I wonder if it will cause problems if he sees you at home but is supposed to be hanging with the nanny? Anyway, who cares what anybody else thinks. If you can afford it, and it will cause less stress in the marriage when #2 comes, go for it.

missmuffin87 · July 2012

I really can't relate so this might not make sense for you guys, but since you can afford it, why not send him to daycare so that he can get social interaction and experience a group learning environment. I think that sounds better than having a nanny watch him at home.

ChicagoBroad26 · July 2012

No judgement here. If we got pg today, Ava would be almost 2.5 years when baby #2 came. I will either get a helper the first few months or enroll her in a toddler program for socialization. Do what you need to do for your sanity!!

sokmonkee3517 · July 2012

Judge? No. Jealous? Yes! I have been working for 25 years and would give anything for us to be able to afford just to be a SAHM. (Stupid choices when I believed that I would be young forever.)

It sounds like you have the right attitude about it and are doing it for all the right reasons so if you can afford it - Good for you!!! And to hell with anyone that might judge...they are just sorry they didn't think of it.

desertlady86 · July 2012

I think it's crazy but it's your money so spend it the way you want.

smithpaint · July 2012

I wouldn't want another person in my home helping me take care of my kids. That's just me. I would look into a preschool/daycare for your oldest child which would give you some down time even with a newborn at home to rest, have quite time for youself, catch up on laundry, clean, etc.

If you can afford it and are comfortable with getting a nanny then go for it, but I have a hard time understanding why you would need one. I know this sounds extremely judgmental but I don't understand why people have kids if they can't handle taking care of them. It's rough at times, but 2 kids for a stay at home mom - I think most days you'd be fine on your own! On rough days isn't there someone you could call to help out - a friend, family, etc. that way you don't have to throw that much money to a nanny?

janneann1127 · July 2012

ChicagoBroad26:
No judgement here. If we got pg today, Ava would be almost 2.5 years when baby #2 came. I will either get a helper the first few months or enroll her in a toddler program for socialization. Do what you need to do for your sanity!!

This! We all do what we have to do. We've gone so far as to think maybe we wouldn't have a second child because we are afraid of all the demands of having another. (We are in a similar situation as you, OP. DH works a demanding job with a lot of hours, and needs to come home and decompress a little.) I have a cousin who has 7 kids, no nanny, and she would think we were nuts. To each his own!

desertlady86 · July 2012

smithpaint:
I wouldn't want another person in my home helping me take care of my kids. That's just me. I would look into a preschool/daycare for your oldest child which would give you some down time even with a newborn at home to rest, have quite time for youself, catch up on laundry, clean, etc.

If you can afford it and are comfortable with getting a nanny then go for it, but I have a hard time understanding why you would need one. I know this sounds extremely judgmental but I don't understand why people have kids if they can't handle taking care of them. It's rough at times, but 2 kids for a stay at home mom - I think most days you'd be fine on your own! On rough days isn't there someone you could call to help out - a friend, family, etc. that way you don't have to throw that much money to a nanny?

I was wanting to say what you just said. Well Said!

GrayGhost13 · July 2012

smithpaint:
I know this sounds extremely judgmental but I don't understand why people have kids if they can't handle taking care of them.

It sounds judgmental because it is judgmental.

:: sigh :: The mommy wars will never, ever end, will they?

bosha711 · July 2012

JoJoMama730:
Like an OP said, I kinda think a learning center/daycare might be beneficial in some ways - interacting with kids, working on his immune system (ha ha), making friends, and learning too (not that those things won't happy with a nanny too, but a center is different). You also might like that he's out of the house. In the nanny situation, I wonder if it will cause problems if he sees you at home but is supposed to be hanging with the nanny? Anyway, who cares what anybody else thinks. If you can afford it, and it will cause less stress in the marriage when #2 comes, go for it.

This is basically what I was going to say.

Currently, I WFH & DS is cared for in our home part time. We have been discussing finding a DCP outside the home for when DD is born so that DS can have fun with other kids. I don't think it's fair to have him here amongst all the chaos of a NB! Our house is small, so there'd really be no escaping it, lol. I get overwhelmed thinking of trying to care for DS & a NB at the same time all day long, which others may roll their eyes at as well.

[Deleted User] · July 2012

GrayGhost13:
smithpaint:
I know this sounds extremely judgmental but I don't understand why people have kids if they can't handle taking care of them.
It sounds judgmental because it is judgmental.
:: sigh :: The mommy wars will never, ever end, will they?

Hrm. Me wanting my child to have a good routine, lots of playtime, socialization with her friends, etc. =/= can't handle taking care of my child. When I send P to daycare, I am providing stability, a creative environment to do projects & learn skills for my older child. I also am able to focus on the needs of my newborn for the precious little time I have before I return to work. I don't see why my older child needs to sit around & play by herself while I bf, diaper, rock, & soothe my infant.

I gave P my full attention when she was born. I think it's fair to do the same for my next LO. I shouldn't have to choose between my kids' needs.

sroszc · July 2012

smithpaint:
I wouldn't want another person in my home helping me take care of my kids. That's just me. I would look into a preschool/daycare for your oldest child which would give you some down time even with a newborn at home to rest, have quite time for youself, catch up on laundry, clean, etc.

If you can afford it and are comfortable with getting a nanny then go for it, but I have a hard time understanding why you would need one. I know this sounds extremely judgmental but I don't understand why people have kids if they can't handle taking care of them. It's rough at times, but 2 kids for a stay at home mom - I think most days you'd be fine on your own! On rough days isn't there someone you could call to help out - a friend, family, etc. that way you don't have to throw that much money to a nanny?

As much as a control freak as I am, and my husband is even more, we honestly wouldn't trust sending him off to daycare or a learning center. It might be hard to have someone in my home while I'm there but I also will expect this person to help out with cleaning, organizing, cooking, etc. so it frees me up to enjoy my kids. That's worth it to me.

Can I handle 2 kids on my own? Yep. Will will it be a hardship on me, my H and my marriage for a while? Of course. And if I can afford to avoid that issue then why not do it? My mom still works midnights so she sleeps during the day after she works (labor and delivery nurse) and my mother-in-law goes to Mexico for the first 3 months of the year. It is actually hard for me to call someone at the drop of a hat if I need help on short notice.

Sorry if that came off as defensive but, well, I was feeling a bit defensive after that post.

kj07 · July 2012

smithpaint:
I wouldn't want another person in my home helping me take care of my kids. That's just me. I would look into a preschool/daycare for your oldest child which would give you some down time even with a newborn at home to rest, have quite time for youself, catch up on laundry, clean, etc.

If you can afford it and are comfortable with getting a nanny then go for it, but I have a hard time understanding why you would need one. I know this sounds extremely judgmental but I don't understand why people have kids if they can't handle taking care of them. It's rough at times, but 2 kids for a stay at home mom - I think most days you'd be fine on your own! On rough days isn't there someone you could call to help out - a friend, family, etc. that way you don't have to throw that much money to a nanny?

For many of us, there isn't someone we can call. My MIL works. My SIL works. My FIL is ill. My mom is retired, but she lives nearly 2000 miles away. My father works and lives nearly 2000 miles away. My sister works and lives nearly 2000 miles away. My friends work. My husband's friends work.

In an emergency, sure I've called on some of these people. When my H was traveling for work one time I fell down the stairs and had vomiting and diarrhea. I had to take off work myself, but I couldn't pick up B because I hurt my back in the fall. H was able to cut his work trip short, but until he could get back to town my SIL and best friend both took emergency vacation time to stay with me and help with B.

lrn327 · July 2012

sroszc:
smithpaint:
I wouldn't want another person in my home helping me take care of my kids. That's just me. I would look into a preschool/daycare for your oldest child which would give you some down time even with a newborn at home to rest, have quite time for youself, catch up on laundry, clean, etc.

If you can afford it and are comfortable with getting a nanny then go for it, but I have a hard time understanding why you would need one. I know this sounds extremely judgmental but I don't understand why people have kids if they can't handle taking care of them. It's rough at times, but 2 kids for a stay at home mom - I think most days you'd be fine on your own! On rough days isn't there someone you could call to help out - a friend, family, etc. that way you don't have to throw that much money to a nanny?
As much as a control freak as I am, and my husband is even more, we honestly wouldn't trust sending him off to daycare or a learning center. It might be hard to have someone in my home while I'm there but I also will expect this person to help out with cleaning, organizing, cooking, etc. so it frees me up to enjoy my kids. That's worth it to me.
Can I handle 2 kids on my own? Yep. Will will it be a hardship on me, my H and my marriage for a while? Of course. And if I can afford to avoid that issue then why not do it? My mom still works midnights so she sleeps during the day after she works (labor and delivery nurse) and my mother-in-law goes to Mexico for the first 3 months of the year. It is actually hard for me to call someone at the drop of a hat if I need help on short notice.
Sorry if that came off as defensive but, well, I was feeling a bit defensive after that post.

I don't think you need to justify yourself at all, but I would also want to respond if I was you! It would be very hard for me to call in someone short notice too so I totally get where you are coming from. I love that my DS goes to DC for all of the reasons that Sofa mentioned but I understand that change could be an overwhelming thought esp given that you have a new LO coming so soon. If you give yourself the flexibility that a nanny allows then you can make sure you take care of C, your new baby, and yourself just like you should. I think giving yourself the chance to make those memories with your new baby like you did with C will be priceless. You can always start looking into outside programs for C as you feel comfortable. (It definitely is a great experience for them!) And FWIW, on rare occasions, I have an hour or even a day off from work and I still send C to DC b/c he loves it and I can get cleaning, cooking, errands done that I cannot do with my rambunctious toddler! I am a better mom and 100% there for him b/c I give myself an hour to clean my house in peace.

bosha711 · July 2012

smithpaint:
I wouldn't want another person in my home helping me take care of my kids. That's just me. I would look into a preschool/daycare for your oldest child which would give you some down time even with a newborn at home to rest, have quite time for youself, catch up on laundry, clean, etc.

If you can afford it and are comfortable with getting a nanny then go for it, but I have a hard time understanding why you would need one. I know this sounds extremely judgmental but I don't understand why people have kids if they can't handle taking care of them. It's rough at times, but 2 kids for a stay at home mom - I think most days you'd be fine on your own! On rough days isn't there someone you could call to help out - a friend, family, etc. that way you don't have to throw that much money to a nanny?

I think the OP did state that the nanny would be P/T, so technically it IS having someone to call to help out...whether it be a nanny, friend, or family member is just a matter of semantics.

The cost of the nanny really shouldn't have a bearing on anything b/c people spend money on all different things. She may cut costs on other things & it all evens out in the end.

And to insinuate that getting help means you can't take care of your kids doesn't make sense to me. If she's making a decision that will benefit her whole family, then to me, that IS taking care of your kids.

Cheekers2010 · July 2012

I would love to have a nanny if I had a #2.

JoJoMama730 · July 2012

Sroszc, you know I work FT, but you can always call/text me if you're in a pinch and I'll see what I can do. Big Smile

Weekends are no prob, of course. The kids could play together!

sroszc · July 2012

JoJoMama730:
Sroszc, you know I work FT, but you can always call/text me if you're in a pinch and I'll see what I can do. Weekends are no prob, of course. The kids could play together!

That's really sweet, thank you! Honestly I do have a hard time asking for help from friends and relatives. We still need to do a play date soon

jillybean800 · July 2012

I personally would prefer to hire a housekeeper rather than a maid, so that I wouldn't have to do the housework, but could hang out with the kids you know? And I also agree with some of the PP's that I would prefer a daycare setting rather than a nanny so he would be getting something he kinda can't get from me. But if you feel the nanny works better for you, then that's what you do! It's hard for moms to judge other people's exact situation, because we don't know it!

ThePolishHammer · July 2012

I wouldn't judge you for this.

Cheekers2010 · July 2012

ThePolishHammer:
I wouldn't judge you for this.

When did you get your new name?!

EarsToYou · July 2012

sofamonkey:
I'll sit on the bench with you - I'm planning on sending P to DC still. It's good for her to get out & be active. With a newborn, that's just not going to happen. You need to do what is best for your family, regardless of what other people think.

. Me too!

EarsToYou · July 2012

JoJoMama730:
Sroszc, you know I work FT, but you can always call/text me if you're in a pinch and I'll see what I can do. Weekends are no prob, of course. The kids could play together!

And I'm usually off on Thur and Fri so don't hesitate to get a hold of me either!

sroszc · July 2012

EarsToYou:
JoJoMama730:
Sroszc, you know I work FT, but you can always call/text me if you're in a pinch and I'll see what I can do. Weekends are no prob, of course. The kids could play together!
And I'm usually off on Thur and Fri so don't hesitate to get a hold of me either!

Seriously, thank you!

enjoylife · July 2012

No judging at all. I actually was a mommy's helper for a few years for a sahm mom. She had a 2 year old and newborn twins. I was hired to mainly play and interact with her 2 year old but soon became her extra set of hands with the twins as well. Loved that time I spent with the family and I was glad to help her out.

That being said I *wish* we could do the same when #2 comes along. But my maternity leave is unpaid and we just found out I have to cover my own benefits 100% which they estimated between 600-800 per paycheck.... I almost gave dh a mini heart attack this week with that info. If A was in daycare we def would have tried keeping him in part time in order to keep up his routine and to give me some 1:1 time with #2 but since we just use sitters I have told them I may call on them from time to time to give A a break from the house and newborn monotony but we will see. One of my sitters has a 9 year old that has been coming over this summer and he loves playing with her so it would prob be a nice break for him. You gotta do what will keep you and your family happy. Forget the side eyes they are just jealous haters

smithpaint · July 2012

sofamonkey:
GrayGhost13:

smithpaint:
I know this sounds extremely judgmental but I don't understand why people have kids if they can't handle taking care of them.

It sounds judgmental because it is judgmental.

:: sigh :: The mommy wars will never, ever end, will they?

Hrm. Me wanting my child to have a good routine, lots of playtime, socialization with her friends, etc. =/= can't handle taking care of my child. When I send P to daycare, I am providing stability, a creative environment to do projects & learn skills for my older child. I also am able to focus on the needs of my newborn for the precious little time I have before I return to work. I don't see why my older child needs to sit around & play by herself while I bf, diaper, rock, & soothe my infant.
I gave P my full attention when she was born. I think it's fair to do the same for my next LO. I shouldn't have to choose between my kids' needs.

I put at the top that I would recommend daycare/preschool over a nanny. I sent my kids to preschool because of the social interaction. I don't think there is a problem with that.

Sorry I came across the way I did. I just sometimes forget that 2 kids can be rough for people - It's been a while since I had 2. If you want a nanny and can afford it - go for it. But some people will side eye you just as I am side eyed for having 5 kids or for working while I have 5 kids.

I do understand that some people do not have family close by that can watch their kids. I do have family that watches my kids when I work(6-12 hours a week), but besides that my husband and I watch our children. I'm not against preschool, daycare or whatever. I'm just surprised that people need so much help raising their children. My sister is a stay at home mom and is constantly asking people to watch her kids. I guess that has me annoyed, and I took it out on you.

So please nobody be pissed at me - even if I may deserve it. I'm somewhat of a brat today - PMSing like crazy and I ran my mouth. I guess now I have to pay for it!

JoJoMama730 · July 2012

sroszc:
EarsToYou:
JoJoMama730:
Sroszc, you know I work FT, but you can always call/text me if you're in a pinch and I'll see what I can do. Weekends are no prob, of course. The kids could play together!
And I'm usually off on Thur and Fri so don't hesitate to get a hold of me either!
Seriously, thank you!

I know it's hard to ask for help, believe me. But truly, who is going to understand better than other mom friends? We all could use a helping hand now and again.

[Deleted User] · July 2012

smithpaint:
sofamonkey:
GrayGhost13:

smithpaint:
I know this sounds extremely judgmental but I don't understand why people have kids if they can't handle taking care of them.

It sounds judgmental because it is judgmental.

:: sigh :: The mommy wars will never, ever end, will they?

Hrm. Me wanting my child to have a good routine, lots of playtime, socialization with her friends, etc. =/= can't handle taking care of my child. When I send P to daycare, I am providing stability, a creative environment to do projects & learn skills for my older child. I also am able to focus on the needs of my newborn for the precious little time I have before I return to work. I don't see why my older child needs to sit around & play by herself while I bf, diaper, rock, & soothe my infant.
I gave P my full attention when she was born. I think it's fair to do the same for my next LO. I shouldn't have to choose between my kids' needs.

I put at the top that I would recommend daycare/preschool over a nanny. I sent my kids to preschool because of the social interaction. I don't think there is a problem with that.

Sorry I came across the way I did. I just sometimes forget that 2 kids can be rough for people - It's been a while since I had 2. If you want a nanny and can afford it - go for it. But some people will side eye you just as I am side eyed for having 5 kids or for working while I have 5 kids.

I do understand that some people do not have family close by that can watch their kids. I do have family that watches my kids when I work(6-12 hours a week), but besides that my husband and I watch our children. I'm not against preschool, daycare or whatever. I'm just surprised that people need so much help raising their children. My sister is a stay at home mom and is constantly asking people to watch her kids. I guess that has me annoyed, and I took it out on you.

So please nobody be pissed at me - even if I may deserve it. I'm somewhat of a brat today - PMSing like crazy and I ran my mouth. I guess now I have to pay for it!

I'm not pissed, I just thought I'd lay out my reasoning plainly. Smile

Sorry you're having a rough time. PMS sucks!

nursedevivo · July 2012

smithpaint:
sofamonkey:
GrayGhost13:

smithpaint:
I know this sounds extremely judgmental but I don't understand why people have kids if they can't handle taking care of them.

It sounds judgmental because it is judgmental.

:: sigh :: The mommy wars will never, ever end, will they?

Hrm. Me wanting my child to have a good routine, lots of playtime, socialization with her friends, etc. =/= can't handle taking care of my child. When I send P to daycare, I am providing stability, a creative environment to do projects & learn skills for my older child. I also am able to focus on the needs of my newborn for the precious little time I have before I return to work. I don't see why my older child needs to sit around & play by herself while I bf, diaper, rock, & soothe my infant.
I gave P my full attention when she was born. I think it's fair to do the same for my next LO. I shouldn't have to choose between my kids' needs.

I put at the top that I would recommend daycare/preschool over a nanny. I sent my kids to preschool because of the social interaction. I don't think there is a problem with that.

Sorry I came across the way I did. I just sometimes forget that 2 kids can be rough for people - It's been a while since I had 2. If you want a nanny and can afford it - go for it. But some people will side eye you just as I am side eyed for having 5 kids or for working while I have 5 kids.

I do understand that some people do not have family close by that can watch their kids. I do have family that watches my kids when I work(6-12 hours a week), but besides that my husband and I watch our children. I'm not against preschool, daycare or whatever. I'm just surprised that people need so much help raising their children. My sister is a stay at home mom and is constantly asking people to watch her kids. I guess that has me annoyed, and I took it out on you.

So please nobody be pissed at me - even if I may deserve it. I'm somewhat of a brat today - PMSing like crazy and I ran my mouth. I guess now I have to pay for it!

You have no reason to apologize. She asked the question and you answered.

OhSewCrafty · July 2012

sofamonkey:
I'll sit on the bench with you - I'm planning on sending P to DC still. It's good for her to get out & be active. With a newborn, that's just not going to happen. You need to do what is best for your family, regardless of what other people think.

Same and agreed. If/when we get PG with #2, I fully plan on using DC when I'm on maternity leave.

tiffanyp · July 2012

I have an acquaintance who has one child who she stays at home with, and she has a nanny 20 hours/week. I judge her a little, but her husband works crazy hours (so does mine) and I understand why she would need a break sometimes. With two kids I wouldn't judge a part time nanny, although like some PP I would rather put my toddler in some kind of daycare (or perhaps a nanny share) so that she'd get some socialization out of it. Another thought is to use the nanny for the newborn sometimes so that you can still spend some one-on-one time with the older child, who might be jealous of being displaced by the baby.

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