Have you or anyone you know had an abortion?

AquaFlowers · July 2012

My friend had an abortion and now she's doing great. She's enrolled in college, happily married, and bought a lovely house. Abortion may not be the road for some, but for others it's a great option. Good luck with whatever you choose.

starchai920 · July 2012

Like PPs have said, it's entirely your decision and whatever you decide is what's best for you. Don't let anyone guilt you into doing something you have reserves about. I became unexpectedly pregnant after a BC flub as well, and had several people imply that abortion was what's best in cases like mine; but my situation was different, and in the end I chose to keep my unplanned pregnancy and ended up having my son.

kelle017 · July 2012

easjer05:
BlueEyes313:
OP:

Have you considered that this post is in poor taste considering the title of the board alone is Babies on the Brain? While I don't envy your situation there has to be a forum where your question would be more appropriate.
It's not the Loss board or the MC board or the IF board, FFS. It's a perfectly valid, legitimate question.

This. I'm not at all offended by the question.

Excitedtostart · July 2012

Hi sweets.

I'm very sorry you're in the position to have to make this decision. It's very difficult, but I hope you can come to something that you will feel at peace over.

It would be very easy for me to tell you about a 'friend' who had an abortion, but that would do a disservice to your very honest question.

I was 19, unmarried, in a relationship that was never abusive, but completely dysfunctional. I was on birth control at the time, I took it responsibly, I don't know what happened. But pregnant I was.

I had talked to the guy when we first started dating and talked about the What IF. We both always said termination. When the time came, it took me a few days to take a pregnancy test, I was young and scared. Test, after test, after test. Positive. It's the only positive tests I've ever seen.

I told BF I planned to have an abortion. I sought out a clinic that could take care of me - I was afraid to use my health insurance, I didn't want my parents to know. BF was initially supportive, but as the date grew closer he became increasingly vocal about questioning my decision. Things got nasty, words were said, and I had a termination with a friend at my side instead of my BF.

The procedure itself was painless. I was given some pills beforehand - Valium? Percocet? I don't know. I remember paying in cash, which was weird, but I guess the norm in the industry. I talked with the Dr about why I was there, what my intentions were, how I had come to that conclusion, and what my plan was going forward. He was kind, he took good care of me, there was no shame. I was a patient seeking medical treatment. I did have to discuss birth control with him at length, and he switched me to a different BCP as a precaution. My friend drove me home after, and after a nap at home, I felt myself. I took antibiotics for 2 weeks, and had no side effects or complications (fever, infection).

I did not then, nor have I ever, questioned my decision. I had very mixed emotions when I first found out I was pregnant - joy, elation, etc - but also such feelings of sadness. My life had taken a pretty huge derailment a few years earlier, and I was finally back on track. I saw myself having the baby, and leading one life. And then I saw myself terminating the pregnancy and having another life. I chose the different life.

I didn't respect my BFs wishes about not terminating, because he wasn't making a choice to become a parent, he just didn't want to make any decisions. He wanted everything to go away and for it to have never happened. Which, of course, can't be. Had he felt strongly about actually having our child, whether we kept it or put it up for adoption, I would have strongly considered his opinion, and very likely changed my decision. But not because I regretted my decision.

Since that time I have led a very full life. I've travelled, I've done things. I have a fantastic career. I'm married to a wonderful man who knows about the termination and is fine with it. And we are currently battling infertility. It breaks my heart to not be pregnant now, to not be able to give my husband a child. But not one second of one day do I regret terminating my pregnancy. My current infertility has nothing to do with my choice to have an abortion. My Drs know of my past history and have assured me of the same.

There are so many things to consider. You could keep the baby and raise it as your own. You could keep the baby and give it up for adoption. I couldn't do that because in my heart, I don't think I could ever give up a child once I had carried it to term. It would be mine at that point. That's why I didn't choose adoption - and I applaud women who give up their children to adoption. It is a sacrifice I was unable to make. Adoption is an amazing, beautiful thing, and several of my family members are in my family because of the gift of adoption.

Or, you can terminate the pregnancy.

The choice is yours.

I am also a deeply spiritual woman. I believe in God. I know God exists. I feel it in my bones and in my soul and in my heart. And I don't believe God has a problem with my actions. It's my philosophy, it's what I truly believe. I know I am in the severe minority on this, but I don't really care. It's my relationship with God, and we're both cool with it.

I could have sent this in a PM, or I could have said that this all happened to a friend of mine. But you deserved a real answer, and I'm sure there are other women out there who have wanted to ask this question and felt unable to. I made the decision to end my pregnancy, and I have never regretted it. If that pregnancy had happened under different circumstances, I may have made a different decision. But it didn't, and I don't regret my choice.

I never suffered from depression as a result of it, I never suffered from medical, emotional or sexual problems as a result of it. My life is pretty fabulous today. I've met up with my old BF, and he doesn't have any regrets either.

That's my story. Other women will have different stories, but I wanted to share mine. I wish you good luck in your decision.

One last thing; I'm very careful about my words when talking about pregnancy and infertility and having kids. Occasionally someone will find out that I've terminated, and they feel that I've lied to them. I haven't, I always tell people I don't have any children. I don't say I've never been pregnant. Just in case anyone reading this feels that I've been less than honest.

LollipopsAndCrisps · July 2012

Excitedtostart:

::applauds::

ETS, that was incredibly poignant and brave. Thank you for sharing your story.

Puppylove*85 · July 2012

My friend had an abortion. She felt very strongly that it was the right decision for her at that time. It was still a difficult decision and she grieved for weeks afterwards. But she has never regretted her decision. She is also not religious, is staunchly pro-choice, and had a lot of family support during and after her decision.

She has occasional "what if" thoughts about if she had not terminated. But ultimately she believes her life would have turned out entirely different, mostly in a negative way, if she had not terminated. She has since had two healthy pregnancies and has always conceived quickly.

I strongly urge you to seek counseling from a neutral mental health professional (not from a crisis pregnancy clinic, religious organization, adoption agency, etc.) to work through your decision. The counselor should be able to help you sort through all of your options and mention any available resources. Looking at all the options with a counselor may also make you feel less helpless. It's also important that, regardless of your decision, you are taking good care of yourself. It sounds like you feel overwhelmed right now and could use someone non-judgmental to talk to.

I wish you all the best with whatever you decide.

Puppylove*85 · July 2012

Excitedtostart:
Hi sweets.

I'm very sorry you're in the position to have to make this decision. It's very difficult, but I hope you can come to something that you will feel at peace over.

It would be very easy for me to tell you about a 'friend' who had an abortion, but that would do a disservice to your very honest question...

Thank you for your courage in sharing your story. It would've been safer to give your story in the third person. But I am convinced that your candor will help other young women. Thank you, thank you.

cowgirltu · July 2012

ILY ETS

ateal2490 · July 2012

BlueEyes313:
OP:

Have you considered that this post is in poor taste considering the title of the board alone is Babies on the Brain? While I don't envy your situation there has to be a forum where your question would be more appropriate.

I think you should go ahead and pour yourself a glass of shutthefuckup....then, while you're sipping on that, you should Google the word "empathy" and give that definition a try.

The title of this board is "Babies on the Brain." Now, please, explain to me how OP's question is irrelevant? Oh, don't worry. I'll wait.

OP, I am so sorry that you have to go through this. No one can tell you how well your mind, body, and soul will react to something as serious as this. The pros and cons will vary between each individual, as we all have different lives, responsibilities, goals, ect. but I can share my version and hope it helps.

(I was going for a "pro/con" list, but I didn't feel right listing something so serious as a "pro"..... so "outcome" it is.

Outcome #1

having the procedure done

Favorable outcomes:

No connection to the asshat one-stand man and no need for further correspondence with him.

More time to spend with your first child

No additional expenses (baby gear, maternity leave, ect)

Unfavorable outcomes:

Risk of physical damage (infertility)

Potential for the onset of psychological damage and instability (PTSD, depression, anxiety, guilt, shame, regret, ect.)

Feeling the need to conceal it for fear of being shunned by youe church/parents/ect.

Outcome #2

Keep the baby

Favorable Outcomes:

A baby!! and a sibling for your other LO!

Being able to choose adoption if need be.

The other bajillion joyful /feelings/moments that generally come hand in hand with babies.

Unfavorable Outcomes:

Having to maintain contact/share custody with the biological father

Potential for financial strain

An overwhelming amount of baby related duties (which are even harder as a single mom, I'm sure.

Well. There's my 2cents. Take your time and think long and hard about this. Make sure that you are 100% committed to your decision, regardless of which path you choose..

Good luck!

MsCraftsy · July 2012

Op, first of all thank you for trying to sort out your feelings. Talking it out can help you resolve some conflicts or come up with solutions that you might find helpful to make the best decision for you.

When I got pregnant (unplanned) before my m/c, my husband and I, strongly considered getting an abortion. So, I understand where you are coming from. It's a hard decision and you need to make the best decision that you will feel comfortable with. We decided that we would keep the baby but a few weeks later we ended up having a m/c. We were faced with a whole barrage of emotions. Guilt, relief, anger, sadness and happiness all at the same time. I think you just need to talk to someone at planned parenthood or a women's clinic and talk out your beliefs, your reasons, your possible guilt. No reason to hide anything from them because it will just hinder your progress. They will not judge you. unlike my experience with my general pcp.

I talked to my pcp, and that was a mistake. She was "very disappointed" that we were even considering an abortion and said we were married, had stable employment and a place to live. Why did we want to do this? I told her we had debt, bills, no child care lined up,no family around to help, no savings, no ability to pay for my time off of work, and we weren't emotionally ready to have children. She said if you wait for all those things you will never have a child. O.o Needless to say, I never went back to her! Instead I sought out a planned parenthood and discussed my feelings with them.

But to your abortions concerns.

I know several people who have been faced with situations similar to yours and all of them had an abortion. Some are ok with their decisions and lead very productive and healthy lives. The other two experienced extreme guilt. I don't know if they were forced into having an abortion or if they really thought it out. Two of the girls who were doing ok with their decisions have gone on to have babies and have healthy relationships with their current husbands / partners. Also edited to add: My mom and aunt had one as well. My mom had 2 children after hers and that was in the late 70's. She has a small twinge of guilt but she was in a situation EXACTLY like yours. She told me she would do it again if she had to make the choice all over again. Aunt had 5 children after hers.

I think that ( if there is an almighty all loving GOD) he knows what is in your heart and knows that you are doing the best you can with the situation you are in. I do not think that if GOD is forgiving / all loving / all knowing that he could ever hold something such as this decision against you. So please don't think you are going to hell. Man passes these judgements and we pass these judgements on ourselves, while I think he would be forgiving of our trespasses that we make on earth because he supposedly created us in his image.

So, ultimately what I'm saying, is do what you think is best for you and your family. Don't let anyone try and push you or disway you form your decision. You can only do the best with what you have been given. Good luck op!

And ETS: I just want to give you a giant hug. You are an amazing woman and thank you for your post. I wholly agree everything you said even your view points on GOD. Thank you for your sharing your story.

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