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Blended Families
The Relationship Between a BM & SM's Bio-Children
Inspired by a post below, I'm curious how the SMs out there feel about having their children have contact with BM (your H/SO's ex). Do you allow your kids to speak to/be around BM? Do you encourage a relationship between your children and BM?
Do you feel differently about the relationship between BM and your kids based on whether the children are from your previous relaltionship (i.e. no blood relation to your SKs; step-sibs) versus children you have with your H/SO (i.e. children who would be half-siblings to the SKs)?
As a childless SM, I can't speak to the first scenario, but I know that I would not be comfortable with my hypothetical children being around BM at all, much less having a relationship with BM. BM and I do not get along, and we all (BM and her H; DH and myself) rarely speak face-to-face but often find ourselves in public settings together (school/sporting events for SSs). However, I know she is also the type of woman who has no boundaries, and if SSs ever got a new sibling, she would feel she is entitled to "meet" my child - SSs half-sib (again, totally hypothetical) - because "that child impacts SSs." I do not think that entitlement exists (my kids, my rules) and would do whatever I could to keep my children away from her.
For BMs dealing with a SM, I'm curious about your perspective here as well... How do you feel about the relationship between yourself and SM's children (previous relationship vs. your kids half-sibs)? Do you feel entitled to know her children? Why/why not?
I'm not trying to be snarky/rude here, just genuinely interested in the opinions of the women on this board.
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Re: The Relationship Between a BM & SM's Bio-Children
I'm going to make a sweeping generalization and say that I think a lot of people who post here sometimes seem to confuse entitlement with a desire to try and do what's best for the kid(s).
I'm a BM, not a SM. If DS had a SM, no, I would not feel "entitled" to know her kids. I don't like most kids (I like mine--most of the time, and some of my nieces & nephews), so believe me when I say that I wouldn't care one way or the other. But since that child would be a sibling to my child, I would make an effort to make things pleasant for my DS. So while I would not seek out a relationship, I would try to support DS's relationship by being friendly.
If the SM tried to snub my efforts to be friendly because she didn't think I was "entitled" to know her kid, I would think pretty damn poorly of the SM.
Back to this whole entitlement thing. I comes up a lot when there's this "do I have to tell BM I'm pregnant" stuff. No, of course she is not ENTITLED to know. But that's different than courtesy/doing what's best for all the kids/etc.
BM has never recognized or acknowledged DS in the few times we have been in a setting together. (DS and SD are half sibs) BM keeps her 22 month old pretty sheltered from us (puts her in a crib/ pack n play/ jumperoo or something when we come to pick up/ drop off SD) this is also SD's half sib on her moms side. so DH (or myself on the limited times I have done pick up/ drop off) has very limited interaction with the baby. BM has never invited us in her house (even when dropping off/ picking up in the dead of winter) and BM never does drop off/ pick up to even be offered the opportunity to come in our house.
I get along with BM. She doesn't dislike me, I don't dislike her - I just side-eye her choices. She has told MANY people she's glad SS has me in his life and DH couldn't have married anyone better for 'her' son. Keep in mind, she has seen him a total of MAYBE 10 hours in 12 months. She is excited I'm having a baby girl because she wants a girl. She's frequently asking DH about me, the baby, SS's reaction to having a sister coming, etc. When we go home at Christmas, we'll bring the baby to meet her. I wouldn't ever stop her from interacting with LO when we bring SS to see BM, but I wouldn't leave her in her care.
I've played with/talked to her other two children when we were supervising visits with SS. They've approached me and wanted me to see their room, their coloring books, etc. She's never stepped in to stop them from talking to me or vice versa. She usually seems appreciative of the break.
I have a great relationship with BM, so that impacts this quite a bit. I don't mind at all and am happy to encourage a relationship. BM was invited to DD's birthday party and her baby dedication at our church. BM holds her and talks to her, etc, and I have held her new baby as well. I'm sure that our kids will grow up as "siblings" even though they aren't related.
My mom always treated my stepsis (SM's daughter) as an honorary child.
ETA: BM babysat DD once when I was in a bind. So obviously I trust her enough to let her care for my child.
As a BM and SM, I think it's important to always say "hello" and be polite to any and all children involved. If my HX were to ever bring his son to my State and I were to be in the same vicinity as him, I of course would say "hello" to him and acknowledge him. BM in my situation blatantly ignores my children anytime she is around them, even after they have said "hello" to her. It has made K feel really uncomfortable that her mother acts like that, especially at school when other people are around. She frequently tells me that it makes her sad when her mother ignores her siblings, and she has said it makes her feel like she's "not allowed to love them" when her mother is around. How sad is that?
Would I allow my children to be alone with BM? Absolutely not. Do I think she's "entitled" to know my kids? I think as K's mother she has a right to know some info about the kids her daughter spends a significant amount of time with, just as I would want to know info about the kids my children play with at school, but I don't think "entitled" is the right word. I don't feel "entitled" to know or have a relationship with my XH's son, but knowing his name and birthday and other tidbits makes it easier for the kids to talk about him with me. As for her wanting to hold my baby when he/she is born: if our relationship were more civil and BM wasn't constantly blaming us for her unhappiness then maybe it wouldn't bother me. But for right now my answer would be: absolutely not.
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We have a pretty good relationship with BM, and DD knows who she is, knows her name, and is happy/polite during pickups and drop offs (which is really the only contact she has with BM). BM has talked about the possibility of having DD come over for a sleepover with SD and SS but so far we haven't done it, since DD is still only 2 yrs old and I don't think she'd do well with a "sleepover".
I think it's a good idea for DD to have a good relationship with BM. We see BM and her husband as a part of our "extended family" in a way, and it's important to us that we all get along and have a good family relationship.
BM is so toxic that H and I have agreed that if we ever run into BM out in public and she chooses to interact with H, that me and S will leave the area.
The relationship between BM and I is so bad that I truly hope that she never evens sees S. When H sees his children, LO and I are not involved.
In regards to BM and my DD & DS. DD is 12 and has been around BM a zillion times in the 7 years since DH and I have been together due to games, practices, ect. DD has gone and sat w/ SD near BM once or twice and had conversations with her. BM has also been around DS a signficant amount of time since his birth. In May, we couldn't go to something for one of my SKs because DS was in the hospital for RAD and she expressed concern for him. BM cannot have anymore kids but she has a 9 yo SD that she and her DH choose not to see anymore but when they used to have visitation with her, she was brought around us.
In terms of my DD's sister on her BD's side, I have rarely seen her. Maybe 3 times since her birth (she's 3). When/if they come to something for DD they bolt as soon as the event is over and never stick around. I do wish for DD's sake they would allow her a minute with her brother and sister together. SM hid herself from us for nearly 5 years though and has just in the past 2 years started coming around, emailing, texting & calling me. So I sort of expected her child to be "hidden" from us as well at least for a few years.
And another point of view, I grew up in a blended family and all my siblings are halfs and I am the youngest. I know both my brother's BM and my oldest sister's BM (my other sister never met her BD). I was around my brother's BM more as a child. I am friend's with both BM's on FB. I have been alone with both BM's. My brother's BM was at the hospital while I was in labor with DS and her mother made both of my kids quilts. I had jury duty with my sister's BM and we both ended up in the juror pool and spend the day chatting since we never got pulled into a case.
So being in a blended family is normal for me and pretty much the only thing I know. I think all adults should try to be civil and keep the kids in mind. I don't just mean THEIR kids because their attitudes and "issues" can affect other innocent children (their kids' siblings, cousins, step-whatever) and it's not that child's fault that adults have issues with each other and that child might not understand why they can't see or speak to another child and they shouldn't be put in that position.
We also have a fairly decent relationship with BM. Her kids are my SDs siblings. DH and I try to encourage that relationship as much as we do her relationship with BM. SDs sister has spent the night with us. I've baby-sat BMs kids more than once.
That said, I wouldn't call BM if I needed a sitter. My kids probably won't ever spend the night with her. It sounds like a double standard I know, but I have some serious issues with the way BM chooses to live, and it would make me too anxious.
But as I tell SD, her family are her family and they are welcome here. And I feel that we would be welcome in BMs family's home also.
Growing up in this situation my dad and SM were around my little brother. My parents got along (at least in front of us) and my dad even took my little brother with us to town to eat sometimes. If he bought us a gift from somewere ( he is a truck driver who goes everywhere) he would also bring my little brother something.
But I wil say I think it really depends on what type of person they are. I really can't see my future children being around my ex at all.
I"m a SM. BM wanted to meet myDD when she was born. We were not on good terms, we were all in the middle of a custody thing in court and BM hadn't so much as come to our door to get ss in months. She would text DH and say 'I'm here' and we would send him out. BM and her H came to the door the week we had brought DD home. She asked if she could come in and see her.
Honestly? Even with all teh hostility and all the crap she and her now ExH put us through, I thought it took a lot for her to come to the door and ask. And my respect level for her went up a little. I gladly let them in the house and they watched her swing in her swing for 5 minutes. They asked few questions, and that was it. It really wasn't a big deal. I think a lot of SM's have this 'entitled' feeling of 'how DARE BM want to meet/see/touch MY child!'. WTF do they think BM thinks about another woman helping to raise THEIR child(ren)?
BM has picked up DD at times, DD has gone and hugged BM when she picks up SS. She has held DS when my hands have been full of other stuff. I really don't care. It's not like my kids are going to catch 'biotch with a side of cra cra' by being around her for a few minutes.
I think some ppl need to simmer down. Unless they think BM is hiding a knife up her sleve waitng to get rid of your precious new little one.
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"Karma1969: If baking someone a birthday pie/cake is romantic, I must be a slut."
So OP, where does 'being a good parent' end and "entitlement' begin?
I am a stepparent and a biological mother - added, my SS lives with me. As a good parent, wanting to know about and even meet my children's siblings isnt a BSC concept.
Basic information about what is happening in the other parent's house helps me parent in MY house. Because what is happening in the other house has an effect on my children's lives and attitudes on a macro and micro scale.
So me asking BM how the new baby is sleeping is threefold:
1) As a mother, I understand the hazards of newborn sleep (or lack there of) and sympathize
2) A tired child is a cranky child and that affects him/her at both homes, at school and out with friends. Knowing that there are normal newborn or teething or potty training issues in the other house helps me deal with any fall out.
3) and it also helps me deal with the child directly. Helping them understand what is going on there. Being supportive of the BM's efforts if necessary. Having a united front so to speak.
So OP, please tell me why I am wrong in wanting some basic information (and I am very happy to provide said information to BM if I think it affects her house) is wrong.
This exactly. DD knows her as SS's mama and as Miss First Name. In turn I've also met her 2 kids from her first marriage (DH's ex stepkids) when they've been in town. They're 22 and 24 so it's only been a handful of times in the 6 years DH and I have been together. To me since everyone is *mostly* a normal and reasonable individual it's important for me that we all at least recognize each other.
I also understand that not everyone has this situation. But I do feel it's important that people honor the relationships their SK's have with all of their family bio and step.
As a SM I would not want the BM to have any contact with my children. She will not know when we are expecting, due, all of the above. I also have no desire to engage contact with her other LO. I view the situation to be that as though these children belong to someone you do know so youre nice to the child if something comes up but you dont truely engage in moments with them.
BM and I do not have a good relationship by her desire. She does seem to impose her LO onto DH when we pick up SS. Her LO's BD is supposedly not in the picture and her exact words were: LO "has no dad". It can be very irritating that she only send pics of SS with LO. Its understandable that they are siblings but BM tries to make DH a part of LO's life.
Edit: All the children in my situation are very young. It will be interesting to see my opinion change as we grow as a family. DH and I have a goal to be able to allow sleep overs and get-togethers amongst the children involved but unfortunately BM is not allowing any sort of civil relationship to exist. We have to also be careful because we dont want her LO to think DH is that childs father too.
TTC our #1 since '10
DX: Ovulate but not great follicles
DH SA:Normal-Low Count
Aug 2012:Clomid 50MG= BFFN ([1]Fol-17mm/Prog.-17.3)
Sep 2012: Clomid 150MG CD5-9 & TI= ??
I think this is a great point. Like I said I would have no problem with BM being around DS as long as she can act in a way that is appropriate for children (Which is not always the case). I don`t understand the whole hiding the children thing. As a child of a blended family, I really loved the fact that my mom always referred to my dad`s children as my brothers and sister. Two of them have slept over my house frequently growing up. They are now like part of my mom`s family as well. For my dad`s 50th birthday this year, we all went to dinner including my mom. I`m so lucky and I would love for SD to feel that way as well.
This is DH and I's dream relationship***
Im glad your family is able to do it!
TTC our #1 since '10
DX: Ovulate but not great follicles
DH SA:Normal-Low Count
Aug 2012:Clomid 50MG= BFFN ([1]Fol-17mm/Prog.-17.3)
Sep 2012: Clomid 150MG CD5-9 & TI= ??
I'm rolling my eyes pretty hard at the idea that a SM who parents my child thinks that I shouldn't be concerned with anything that goes on in her home.
NCPs on this board want to know how BMs spend their money, they judge the clothes we put on the kids, they question the purchase of new TVs/cars/etc, but I don't need to know anything that happens in your home?
That's complete hypocrisy. There are few things about blended families that irritate me more than the expected transparency of the CP while NCPs insist that BM isn't "entitled" to know anything that happens in their home. NCPs constantly complain about how the have to ask for any piece of information they get about the kids, BMs don't send home report cards, they don't share info about doctor's appointments.
Why is it a one-way street??
ETA: Half an hour later, and I'm still flabbergasted that a sibling doesn't "directly impact" my child. Almost nothing that's happened in DS's life has "directly impacted" him as much as having a sister.
We have an excellent relationship with BM. Hang out all the time with her and her husband and their other kids. Zane loves all of them. BM has often babysat for me. We'd have to have something really major happen to break this friendship. BM did our wedding photos and all of Zane's professional pictures too.
I don't feel "entitled" to know her children. I just know them because we see them all the time. It's NBD at all. Zane loves his big brother (SS), as well as SS's half-sister and step-siblings. In fact, we have let SS's half-sister come stay the night/weekend with us when we have SS if her dead-beat BD doesn't take his visitation like he promised.
I would go so far as to call BM my best friend.
I am a BM and a SM. We aren't buddies with BM, but we all get along. BM has held my DD. It isn't a big deal.
When DH went to SD's house to help her change a guitar string (she is 10 and learning the guitar), our DD played with BM's other 2 kids who are 2 and 3. Again, not a big deal, and I think it is best for all of the kids to see adults get along and try to make the best environment for all of them.
I don't think this is a great point because that is MY child. BM had a baby with someone who she wasn't married to and the relationship wasn't great to begin with. It didn't work out and now she has to share her child. I don't have to share my son with anyone and in my DD's case her dad is out of the picture so I don't have to share her either. I make the rules with MY children. She makes the rules with her other children she has with her H. But SS is shared. That sucks for BM but life isn't fair. If I split with DH tomorrow I would have to share DS I wouldn't be happy to share but it's what I would have to do.
But I'm not crazy so I don't have any problem with BM and my kids being around each other. I don't want to hang out and have a party but everyone saying hello is the "right" thing to do and I want to teach my kids that we are friendly (not rude) to everyone. My SM was CRAZY and would pick up my little sister and run to the other room every time my mom came to get me like she was going to kidnap her or something.
Again, IMO, a sibling impacts your child, but the sibling has nothing to do directly with your child. The sibling doesn't have anything to do with your child's health, education, etc.
I'm all for transparency both ways as it pertains to the shared children's health, education, etc., but I guess that's where I draw the line. The BM has no rights to information or contact as it pertains to the SM's children, even though it does impact BM's children. BM can be "concerned" about what happens at the NCP's home, but don't expect information that doesn't directly pertain to your child or say that you have a right to it.
And that right there is EXACTLY where you are wrong. A siblings health does have to do with the "shared" child as you put it. If your child has something that can be genetic (h*ll even communicable) BM has a RIGHT to know. BM's need to know the medical history of all siblings of their child or their child's medical history is not complete.
Actually you do have to share your child with someone, your SC, because that is their brother. No one is asking you to let BM babysit your child but if they happen to be in the same space, a little introduction or interaction is not the end of the world as long as there are proper boundaries. And you treating SC`s mother like she has the plague is not going to do anything besides cause hurt feelings with SC and possibly resentment towards you.
How does a sibling not have anything to do with my child's health and education? A sibling can absolutely affect both my child's health and mine!
In terms of education, do you know how much crap my child says when he comes from XH's? Stuff he picks up from his cousins? Your position is that I'm out of line by asking whether DS picked it up from them?
What if a child's sibling is abused? Do you think a BM doesn't have any business knowing that either?
Look, sometimes there's a good reason for having a "need to know" only type relationship. But I don't think that's true the majority of the time. And when a BM makes an effort for the sake of the kids, I think it's really immature to throw it back in her face.
If DS has a SM one day, and I politely say hello to her kid or have my son bring the child a birthday present or something, and her response is whisking her kid away like I have leprosy, who gains anything from that??
We do not have a good relationship with BM at all. I don't necessarily have a problem with my DS or DD being around her, but would never leave them alone with her. As far as our DD is concerned, BM does talk to her on the rare occassion that she sees her. It bothers me a little because she said some insulting things about her name while we were still pregnant with her, and told the boys that she isn't their 'real" sister, so I just feel that she is being very phony, but I try to put on a smiley face for the boys. We try to ask about their little brother (who coincidentally is their "real" brother, even though he is also a half-sibling) EW when we see them, and are polite when we do see him. We really have very little interaction with BM outside of pick up/drop off so our contact with eachother's children is very limited.
I agree that transparency should be a two way street. I would tell BM anything she wanted to know if she asked. She tells us nothing, and we usually get our info from SS1. It is usually not good news (ie - cops came to the house & moms boyfriend almost got arrested), which just pisses DH off, and the relationship never gets any better. I generally don't ask my ex about his personal business unless I feel it is directly affecting DS in some way. We have a much better relationship with my ex though, so there is a great deal of transparency there and a much better co-parenting system.
This. Just as what SD is exposed to at her mom`s house can effect both the health of myself and my son, anything DS has can absolutely affect the health of both SD and BM. Therefore she does have a right to certain information.
Healthwise, I do believe that the other family has a right to know no matter which child is sick. But I also think that is common courtesy and being a decent person. On the other hand, I as the BM have no right to demand information on topics rearding DS's step-sister such as how she is doing in school, or extracurricular activities. That is not my business. If the SM and BM have a good relationship and that is the norm between them then great, but I don't think the BM is required to give any and all information that SM asks for.
Both DH's children with his EW are showing signs of the same toxicity and dysfunction as BM. DH asked for counseling to be mandated for both of them (which our insurance covers and DH is mandated to have both kids on our insurance) and was told "NO"
Statements made about me and DS by my husband's children and their BM have made it so that DH and I feel it is in the best interest and safety of DS if he doesn't have contact with them at this point
The way I see it, there are certain things that definitely should be shared between the households, and other things that are not necessary to share, but in good relationships could be shared, and a third list of things that just don't need to be shared.
List A (Things that should be shared):
A new sibling
A new job for either the parent or step parent (this could change scheduling, add stress to the child's life, etc.)
Vacation and Travel Plans
Anyone new moving into the household (like, my BIL just moved in because his wife cheated on him and they are divorcing, we obviously shared this with BM because his being here affects the kids.)
Anyone moving OUT of the household.
Illness and communicable disease info. Your kid has pink eye? I wanna know, because if your kid had it, and my Skid gets it and brings it home and my kid gets it...it affects our household. And vice versa, if my kid gets something I'll let you know.
Getting a pet.
List B, Things that COULD be shared but aren't necessary.
Minor plans for during parenting time. Like, if we are going to a B-day party or something, we might share with BM that's what's on the agenda for the weekend so that a) she can make sure the kids bring appropriate clothes with them, or b) she can see if they want to make cards for whoever it is, or c) whatever, it's just nice to be aware of things your kids are doing that they may come home talking about.
Funny stories about what the kids have been up to with one parent or the other. Casual, anecdotes so the parents feel like they know about the things their kids have been doing/been involved in.
Family photos. We gave the Skids each a copy of our family photo for in their rooms. BM is 100% okay with having them hung on the wall.
List C, things NOT to share
Income. How much I make is not BM's business.
Financials of any kind, other than CS.
Sex life details.