Does this letter sound okay...? (loss mentioned)

birdiecat · July 2012

We have a close group of friends we will be telling soon about our pregnancy. One of my girlfriends in this groups suffered a loss in March at 12 wks. We have always been each others support system when it has come to pregnancy because I struggled so long to get pregnant (3 years), and she tried for a year and then of course went through this loss. All of the other women in this group have multiple kids and we sort of clung together in the non-mom group. So, now I struggle how to tell her about my pregnancy. Last NYE we were all together and I had to hear in the course of one meal that both she and our other friend were expecting and I have to admit that I plastered the happy smile on my face and said a forced congratulations. Which meant I spent NYE with FOUR pregnant women talking non-stop about babies. It wasn't that I wasn't happy for them- it just came as a shock and yes, my first instinct was to be slightly jealous. I don't want to do the same thing to her when we all go to eat soon. Here is the letter I plan on emailing her... what do you think?

Hey (friend's name),

I wanted to write you to give you a head's up about some news that (DH) and I will be sharing with everyone when we go to dinner this weekend. Last month we found out that I'm expecting a baby and will be due in February. We know how everyone in our group likes to speculate when someone isn't drinking so we figured it would be better to just come straight out with the news. I wanted to tell you first because if it were me and I had a recent loss, I would appreciate an email giving me a chance to soak the news in. I'm not meaning to imply you won't be happy for us because you are an amazing person and friend and I will never doubt for a minute your joy for us, but just in case the news stings even a little bit, I wanted you to find out via email first so you could react privately. I love you lots and I can't wait to see you this weekend, let me know if you want to chat beforehand.

I'm open to suggestions! Thanks!

EDIT- I put my name at the end so had to take it out.

Ccjones85 · July 2012

I think that you are a great friend for giving her a heads up and being respectful of her loss. I think its a kind letter and leaves her the space the react in any way she needs in the privacy of her home. Way to be supportive of her

ajgoergen · July 2012

I think it sounds really nice and thoughtful. I'm in a similar situation and I can't figure out how to tell my friend. She didn't suffer a loss but has tried to get pregnant for 3+ years. Just out of curiosity, how did you appreciate being told before you got your BFP?

jmlind · July 2012

I think it sounds really good and thoughtful. I wonder (and this is a question rather than a suggestion) - it does sound a little like you're tiptoeing around the issue because she may get upset - will she be very upset? I think you can express a teeeeny bit more enthusiasm so that it doesn't sound like you think she'll be really upset - does that make sense? Reading it as if I'm her - the impression I get is that you care a lot about me, don't want me to be hurt, and don't think I'll be very happy for you. But only a slight impression.

That was kind of a ramble - Maybe put in - we're excited to announce blah blah, and I understand that when I was trying and failing, I felt xyz - so wanted to give you a heads up if you feel the same way at all.

Sorry if that's unclear!

Moniemonstar · July 2012

Its such a hard thing to gauge without knowing your friend. The letter itself seems fine, its just a hard thing to balance the fact that the letter lets her have time to react to the news without anyone watching vs the distance that a letter/email places as opposed to the emotional connection that can come with a phone call.

i hope it all goes well and no one ends up hurt!

birdiecat · July 2012

I was worried about sounding too enthusiastic because I didn't want it to be a slap in the face- I understand what you are saying though and now I'm wondering if I shouldn't add a little something in about being excited. I think she will be happy for us, and I definitely don't want her to feel that I'm tip toeing around her.

As for calling- we have never been phone chatters. We are close and in person have great conversation- but I'm not much of a talk on the phone person and I think it would be really awkward on the phone because it is unfamiliar territory for us. I only talk on the phone to my DH, Mom, Grandma, and best friend. Everyone else I fb message, email, or text. So part of it is my own awkwardness of calling and screwing up what I want to say.

CocoR04 · July 2012

I think that's a great letter! If I got that letter from a friend, I would feel really happy for them and thankful that I was given the news ahead of time. You are a very considerate, thoughtful friend for thinking about her feelings. I hope the dinner goes well!

Spartan0627 · July 2012

I agree with PPs, this is so very thoughtful of you. The only thing that I might change is the phrase "heads up." Maybe just saying, "I wanted to let you know..." instead. I don't know why "heads up" made me cringe a little bit.

I also agree with PP about sharing a little bit of your excitement so this letter isn't all doom and gloom.

HTH! Good luck

kelly321 · July 2012

I think it's great as is. Hearing via e-mail is better than over the phone anyway. If it hurts and she wants to cry, she would still have to first get out "congratulations" over the phone, and e-mail gives her a chance to cry first and then congratulate. And I think it's fine that you sound cautious and not overly enthusiastic. She'll know you're happy.

steph1628 · July 2012

I give you a lot of credit for putting your friend's feelings first. Unfortunately I have been in your friend's shoes (where you were not to long ago) so many times that I cannot even count and I would have appreciated the thought behind it!

Strawberry9 · July 2012

I think your e-mail is great, it will give her the chance to react in privacy.

vero2013 · July 2012

I agree that it is nice of you to consider your friend's feelings but knowing from personal experience (I lost my first); I never liked it when people were being over protective or treated me differently. It made worse when people speculated on how I would react.

You giving her the notice first should be fine. Don?t add what you think she?ll feel ? just let her feel. I would suggest just letting her know and then add something like, BTW will be sharing the news to everyone else at dinner. Hope this makes sense.

MrsTwiddy · July 2012

As someone who had to be on the receiving end of what seemed like DOZENS of pregnancy announcements during the 2 years I dealt with IF, I think your letter is perfect. Very respectful--well done.

Spartan0627 · July 2012

vero2013:
I agree that it is nice of you to consider your friend's feelings but knowing from personal experience (I lost my first); I never liked it when people were being over protective or treated me differently. It made worse when people speculated on how I would react.

You giving her the notice first should be fine. Don?t add what you think she?ll feel ? just let her feel. I would suggest just letting her know and then add something like, BTW will be sharing the news to everyone else at dinner. Hope this makes sense.

Great tip, love the last part.

Spartan0627 · July 2012

vero2013:
I agree that it is nice of you to consider your friend's feelings but knowing from personal experience (I lost my first); I never liked it when people were being over protective or treated me differently. It made worse when people speculated on how I would react.

You giving her the notice first should be fine. Don?t add what you think she?ll feel ? just let her feel. I would suggest just letting her know and then add something like, BTW will be sharing the news to everyone else at dinner. Hope this makes sense.

Great tip, love the last part.

birdiecat · July 2012

vero2013:
I agree that it is nice of you to consider your friend's feelings but knowing from personal experience (I lost my first); I never liked it when people were being over protective or treated me differently. It made worse when people speculated on how I would react.

You giving her the notice first should be fine. Don?t add what you think she?ll feel ? just let her feel. I would suggest just letting her know and then add something like, BTW will be sharing the news to everyone else at dinner. Hope this makes sense.

I really worry about this because she is the type of person who would probably feel the same way. She's a lawyer and a very independent/strong type of person, I don't want her to feel like I'm treating her differently or babying her. We all sent her flowers after her loss and she commented that it really wasn't necessary. So now I am second guessing. Maybe I should just send a mass email out to all the girls letting them know I am pg and that I didn't want it to be a big deal at dinner when I don't drink but I'm still only 10 weeks and kind of want to keep it mum???

phdwyfe2013 · July 2012

I agree with other posters that the letter is very respectful and that it is hard for us to know, because we don't know your friend. At first glance, I would take out the lines that say:

" I wanted to tell you first because if it were me and I had a recent loss, I would appreciate an email giving me a chance to soak the news in. I'm not meaning to imply you won't be happy for us because you are an amazing person and friend and I will never doubt for a minute your joy for us, but just in case the news stings even a little bit, I wanted you to find out via email first so you could react privately. "

I like the first bit, but perhaps reword it as: "I wanted to tell you first to give you the chance to soak the news in while reacting privately"

This implies that you know that her loss was very difficult while not directly mentioning the loss (she may not want to be reminded so bluntly) and recognizing that you'd rather she come into your dinner date aware of the news and ready to see you.

I'm sure she'll be happy for you and I like how you're giving her the heads up.

heather.mike · July 2012

birdiecat:
vero2013:
I agree that it is nice of you to consider your friend's feelings but knowing from personal experience (I lost my first); I never liked it when people were being over protective or treated me differently. It made worse when people speculated on how I would react.

You giving her the notice first should be fine. Don?t add what you think she?ll feel ? just let her feel. I would suggest just letting her know and then add something like, BTW will be sharing the news to everyone else at dinner. Hope this makes sense.

I really worry about this because she is the type of person who would probably feel the same way. She's a lawyer and a very independent/strong type of person, I don't want her to feel like I'm treating her differently or babying her. We all sent her flowers after her loss and she commented that it really wasn't necessary. So now I am second guessing. Maybe I should just send a mass email out to all the girls letting them know I am pg and that I didn't want it to be a big deal at dinner when I don't drink but I'm still only 10 weeks and kind of want to keep it mum???

That's tricky cause she might just have been trying to protect her emotions and be strong when the flowers actually meant a lot... Or...?? It's so hard to know. I wonder if discussing it with another girl in your group of friends that knows her really well might help? It's hard for all of us to give you the best advice since we don't know her.

I think your intention is very clear and respectful. And no matter what you choose to do you're obviously a wonderful friend. Props

birdiecat · July 2012

heather.mike:
birdiecat:
vero2013:
I agree that it is nice of you to consider your friend's feelings but knowing from personal experience (I lost my first); I never liked it when people were being over protective or treated me differently. It made worse when people speculated on how I would react.

You giving her the notice first should be fine. Don?t add what you think she?ll feel ? just let her feel. I would suggest just letting her know and then add something like, BTW will be sharing the news to everyone else at dinner. Hope this makes sense.

I really worry about this because she is the type of person who would probably feel the same way. She's a lawyer and a very independent/strong type of person, I don't want her to feel like I'm treating her differently or babying her. We all sent her flowers after her loss and she commented that it really wasn't necessary. So now I am second guessing. Maybe I should just send a mass email out to all the girls letting them know I am pg and that I didn't want it to be a big deal at dinner when I don't drink but I'm still only 10 weeks and kind of want to keep it mum???
That's tricky cause she might just have been trying to protect her emotions and be strong when the flowers actually meant a lot... Or...?? It's so hard to know. I wonder if discussing it with another girl in your group of friends that knows her really well might help? It's hard for all of us to give you the best advice since we don't know her.
I think your intention is very clear and respectful. And no matter what you choose to do you're obviously a wonderful friend. Props

Going to do this- since I am so indecisive and you guys don't know all about my friend it just makes sense to go another route and discuss with one of the girls in the group first.

To everyone though I really appreciate your advice- it helped me a lot even though I'm second guessing everything lol. I love this group and how nice all of you are!!

FutureMrsDrew73110 · July 2012

I can tell you from personal experience that being given a heads up before a pregnancy announcement after a loss is very touching and very much needed. It's very thoughtful of you to do this for your friend.

I would take out the parts where you say I wanted to tell you first because if it were me and I had a recent loss, I would appreciate an email giving me a chance to soak the news in. I'm not meaning to imply you won't be happy for us because you are an amazing person and friend and I will never doubt for a minute your joy for us, but just in case the news stings even a little bit, and we word it to say something similar to: "I wanted to tell you first because of your recent loss and wanted to give you time to take in the news before our upcoming dinner.

For me, after my loss, if someone tried telling me how they'd feel if they were in my shoes, it would make me angry b/c they hadn't and weren't in my shoes. I also wouldn't have liked the fact that someone would tell me that they know I'd be happy for them b/c most of the time, I really wasn't happy for them. I was angry bitter and jealous.

krissywave · July 2012

I think this is a really good idea. I was on the your friend end when my SIL said she was prego. We happend to miss a family event where she decided to tell everyone at the same time. (I was so glad I wasn't there after finding out) My other SIL bf slipped and said she was prego. If I had to be there when she told everyone it would of felt like a gut punch. So for you to address her first before everyone else is a great idea.

samakasrc · July 2012

I would love to recieve a letter like this instead of being thrown in under pressure... My only suggestion is to open it up for discussion? Maybe saying something like "Feel free to call or text me when your ready!" or something similar

Want a personalized experience?

Does this letter sound okay...? (loss mentioned)

Re: Does this letter sound okay...? (loss mentioned)

Choose Another Board

Search Boards