Anyone else deal with prenatal depression without being depressed before pregnancy?

(Sorry this is so long!)

After I finally snapped yesterday I realized I've been dealing with a lot of serious depression during my pregnancy (I'll be 31 weeks tomorrow and it is something that has gotten progressively worse as time has gone on). 

I had some depression as a preteen dealing with stuff from childhood, doing drugs, and developing eating disorders, but I have worked through all of that and long since recovered from all of it. Occasionally in my life I'll have a depressing day when I am feeling overwhelmed (like about work, bills/money, a fight with a friend, etc) but I am able to work through it pretty easily. And I know my aunt (among a few other family members who aren't as closely related) has always struggled with depression and anxiety disorder. But I don't know anyone who has just struggled with it during pregnancy or after pregnancy. 

 Here's some of the things that I think triggered it (aside from just hormones) - As my pregnancy has progressed I have lost a lot of life long friends (I'm better off without most of these selfish people, but it's been hurtful and lonesome with it happening to multiple friends at once to the point where I go through my phone when I'm feeling down and I have no idea who I can call), my relationship with my boyfriend turned into a really hurtful relationship about a month after we announced we were pregnant (I try to remind myself that he might be overwhelmed too and that maybe things will change when he meets his son but the only time we communicate anymore is when I am balling my eyes out to the point of hyperventilating. He really hasn't been there for me emotionally, even though financially he's had to take over some of my stuff and he gets angry and says some really hurtful things, like that I'm worthless. And he's constantly going out with his friends and never spends any time with me or puts any effort into our relationship. He used to be really sweet and thoughtful - always with compliments and surprises. I didn't even get a happy birthday this year. He apologizes but of course I'm so hurt that it doesn't mean much. He's even started hiding things from me and quit inviting me when he goes to see his friends. And of course most of the people who have been supportive of this baby is his family and I don't feel right discussing my depression with them since a lot of it involves him and I don't think bashing him to his family is a good outlet but I feel like there's enough wrong with our relationship that it's not just me over reacting or making it up), I've had some issues with some of my family (like my step grandmother dying and not even being told about the funeral and other family members lashing out at me after that), I had to quit my job because it was unsafe for pregnancy (and I got a job a few months later nannying but aside from trips to the park that doesn't get me out of the house and I am making less than a third of what I was before), and I've had every issue possible wrong with my pregnancy (kidney problems, birth defects on the baby, gestational diabetes, and now depression) even though I followed every single rule (which makes me scared for more issues in the next month and a half and feels like the world is out to get me. At the risk of sounding childish - it's just unfair). I'm even having nightmares about the stuff from my childhood that I long since dealt with and a lot of nightmares about people trying to kill me and hurt me or the baby. And to top it off - being so obsessive about food/the times I eat/the amounts I eat reminds me of the eating disorders I got over long ago (I don't worry about being fat or ugly, obviously I'm pregnant and it's normal and I actually haven't gained more than 25 lbs, but just the whole controlling aspect and my entire day revolving around food that makes it feel like the walls are closing in again). 

With the hormones once I get upset I can't seem to calm myself down and sleeping it off doesn't help because of the constant nightmares. I'm able to hold it in all day while I'm nannying and even sometimes for a few days at a time. It doesn't take much to set me off (it's usually something like feeling ignored by my boyfriend or someone bailing on our baby shower for next weekend or not figuring out what I can eat with the gd before the heartburn kicks in). 

 I finally broke down yesterday/last night (I probably had a freak out that lasted a total of 12 hours). I ended up smoking a half a cigarette (which I haven't done since the day I found out I was pregnant) when I found out my boyfriend had slipped up and bought a pack the day before and drinking probably a half a shot of rum (which I know neither of which was actually enough to hurt the baby but I was really proud of myself for abstaining from those things for all this time and I finally felt like I was the only one making any changes for this baby to come as everyone else has been drinking in front of me and screw it, I should get to be an idiot too. I just wanted a break from feeling pregnant - which scares me that I actually stooped to that level). I skipped meals and skipped checking my blood sugar. I cried pretty much all day yesterday and got angrier and angrier with my boyfriend until the middle of the night when I just couldn't deal with him ignoring my feelings anymore. I threatened to kill myself and said if I don't we need to put the baby up for adoption. I've never been a suicidal person and I had no idea how I planned to do this - but I don't think I was bluffing. I didn't expect it to come out of my mouth but I really was feeling done. I just didn't want to be responsible for this life inside me anymore. It got to the point where I was throwing things (which is not like me at all). I tried to get a taxi to take a greyhound to my cousin's three states away when he took the car keys from me. All of these things are completely out of the ordinary for me. I just finally felt like I had nothing left (between family, friends, my boyfriend, my job, my body). I'm feeling a little more in control today and know I won't actually hurt the baby but I don't feel any less sad.

I'm so sick of feeling so alone. I'm one of those people who has always been there for everyone, day or night, and it's overwhelming to me that now that I need someone nobody is here. It's hurtful, which starts my sad feelings all over again. This has progressed the past couple months from feeling sad and a bit overwhelmed and hormonal or roller coaster to full blown depressed and hopeless. I would love to go to counseling but unfortunately with all the specialists I'm already seeing being in a high risk pregnancy and my lower income I'm already going to collections for all the bills left over from insurance so I'm really scared to add another bill. I've tried to reach out to so many people and all I get back (even from my boyfriend) is that I should "just get over it, I'm being a whiner/weak" or "it's just hormones, it'll go away when the baby comes which is so soon" or
"I'm overreacting" or they just don't understand and change the subject. I even mentioned to my OB nurse (who usually is a great resource for me) that I really hate being pregnant and feel really miserable and crazy and she said "oh yeah, it's normal unfortunately. Some women just don't feel good during pregnancy and you've got a lot going on so I'm not surprised. I can tell you the baby is worth it at the end though". I feel scared to tell new people because everyone just belittles it. I am worried about the increased risk of pre-term labor because of my depression (I was already at risk for this) and all the stress hormones that are going into the placenta. And I feel really scared that I am really going to start resenting my son and will develop postpartum depression and not be able to take care of him. I'm scared to talk to the doctor and just get put on meds (Obviously there's so much going on with the baby as far as birth defects already and I already have so much to deal with as far as my diet and gd meds, I'm really feeling hesitant to add in an antidepressant). But, that all said - a month and a half is a long time to go when you feel like every day is overwhelming and never ending. I'm so glad to see there's an entire bump board for this - makes me a feel a bit less crazy and guilty and weak. But unfortunately most of the posts I've seen women have dealt with depression before and already know some things that work for them where as with me it is completely new and overwhelming. Any one out there been through depression just with pregnancy? Anyone have any suggestions for how to deal with this? Anyone in the western Washington area know of somewhere I can get some mental help that doesn't cost a fortune? I have a doctors appointment tomorrow and I am going to bring up to him that I really am struggling and really want to avoid anti depressants but I'm worried the next best solution is counseling, which of course like I said money is another big stress factor right now.