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Blended Families
nurrieum
member
My heart's just broken for my SIL
nurrieum
member
I recently posted about my SIL who is 17 and pregnant. She messaged me a few nights ago saying she was having some spotting- I explained when this is normal (ie after sex) and if she starts passing clots or bleeding heavily to seek medical attention immediately.
So this past 4th of July she was at my in laws for a get together. B started to pass a lot of clots and bleeding heavily. So she told my MIL and asked for a ride to the hospital. My MIL convinced her she was fine.
So finally she's able to go the doctor- my MIL got there just as the doctor was telling B there's a 98% chance she's miscarried. The doctor explained that possibly had they gotten there sooner they may have been able to do something (though I'm not sure that's true) my MIL ensured that didn't happen. My MIL just said "good" and walked out and left. She then later texted B and told her she knew she was miscarrying and did nothing- on purpose- because this is for the better- and she best not get pregnant again.
B has just been devastated so is her boyfriend. We could not believe the callousness of my MIL. I was completely shocked (it's not that she's oh so loving- she's not- however this was pretty extreme). My DH didn't exactly believe it until he saw the text messages from MIL. Needless to say he was utterly livid.
We've directed B to some places for free counseling (we have a pregnancy center in our area that has available free counseling and has support groups etc for miscarriage). We've been talking to her and she's slowly coping and is obviously still moving out. At this point we're pretty much done with my in laws as well. We hardly speak to them as is but at this point these aren't people I'd want my children around and my DH feels the same. We're just trying to surround B with a lot of love so thoughts and prayers for her as she continues to cope with this.
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Re: My heart's just broken for my SIL
so sorry for your SIL
has she had an ultrasound to confirm the miscarriage? that is truly heartbreaking, but all in all, may be for the best until her and the BF can get off their feet. (not justifying it by any means, it is definitely a tragedy)
Glad you are putting some distance between you and your IL's, I can't believe your MIL did that to her own daughter!
TTC 10/11. IUI 2/12. BFP 3/8/12. 4/26/12 missed mc. RE consult 5/17/12. IVF #1 ER 7/13/12 53R, 41M ICSIed, 32F, 8 5d, 6 6d blasts - all PGD/frozen. PGD results 1 normal M and 1 normal F, 1 maybe M. FET 9/6, transferred 1 F embie. Beta 9/15 BFN. FET#2 planned for 11/2012 put off until 2013. Surprise BFP 11/21/12!! My son was born on 7/24/13!
Even with the given circumstances, you're MIL was VERY insensitive and out of line. Make sure your SIL knows that there was absolutely NOTHING she could have done to save the pregnancy that early in the game. For a dr or nurse to say if she had gotten their a little earlier maybe they could have done something is Bull sh-t. There is no sense beating herself up over it or thinking MIL caused it by stalling a trip to the ER. And I'm saying this as a woman who has had 3 m/c's.
I'll let her know. I thought it was pretty odd for the doc to have said that- however I wonder if that was exaggerated. I think knowing that there's nothing she could have done either way may help a little- right now she's just feeling raw.
I believe that's what they went in for yes- however my DH mentioned something about total confirmation on Monday- so perhaps they haven't yet. She's trying to look at the positives. Thankfully she knows DH and I will continue to support her and we're hoping that this will bring her closer to her sisters- they have hardly spoken in months but I think after the callousness of their mother they will be more open hearted.
My in laws are just I don't even know. I sometimes can't believe they actually behave the way they do- it seems surreal to me. My DH is starting to think that there are further substance abuse problems outside of just the pot (which we already have a huge problem with- there's a reason SS does not go to their house). I'm starting to wonder myself, drugs change the person you are.
Thanks. My MIL has a history of driving her children away and being weird but this was pretty unexpected. We're starting to think there could be some heavy substance abuse- it would explain a lot which is just in itself terribly sad.
I did not read all the replies but even thought I think it is for the best (I would NEVER) say that to someone that m/c bc I hated that) but I am sorry that at 17 she had to go through this. Make sure she either has her levels checked so they go back to zero or she takes PG tests to make sure they go all the way down (explaining that until the levels go down she will test positive). And once she stops bleeding talk to her about how devastating this is but the best thing she can do for herself and future child is to wait until she is out of college and her situation is stAble and that many many women are more fertile after having a baby or mc so she really needs to practice safe sex or she likely will still be a teen mom and that she needs to talk to someone so she will not see this as a good idea.
And please do not take this as an insult but Tif pointed out the other day that you are "still a kid", yes you seem vERY mature for 21 and you are married and work full time but 21 is very young, you might not see it now but I promise you will eventually (and I realize this sounds condescending but is not meant to). 21 with a baby is not the ideal situation for 99.9% of people, i urge you to make sure she realizes this and has some people that are not so close to the teen years to talk to bc I would hate for her to think that you "have it all" at 21 and she is almost an adult and can do it too. Please dont take this as an insult.
Thank you- I believe she is having her levels checked on monday, there's been some mix up as to if she's already had the ultrasound. I believe that she in fact has and this is what her Monday appointment is. She is living with her BF's family and his mom and I have communicated- she's explaining the fertility thing to them (I would however I am 40 weeks pregnant and we feel that's kind of just rubbing her face in it- she and I have talked over the phone).
I'm not offended- I got rubbed the wrong way at the original comment because I have my own issues with being called a kid. I'll just need to get over that and I do think I'm a naive 21, no matter the amount of responsibly I have assumed.I just have some pride issues with it being pointed out.
Being a young mother isn't something I would preach to anyone and I understand your point about her thinking "well, Hannah's only 21 and she's got this neat little family and they're all happy etc etc". My situation is a unique and is the exception rather than the rule. I able to be a stay at home mom and am in a situation though certainly with it's own stresses is not what most young mothers face. It just doesn't work out that way, I am incredibly lucky. I see it on social networking all the time, girls from my high school class with children in very unstable relationships, trying to juggle a job, a baby, school, simply being young people- it's incredibly hard for them. I also see a lot of them unable to juggle that and then their children end up suffering. I think no matter what you age is, being a parent is a high stress and difficult thing and trying to do this before you are able to process all of that stress is beyond less than ideal. I am certainly not perfect at it because I lack a lot life experience. I'm again very lucky in who I have as a mother- because she's taught me a lot on managing those stresses.
Thankfully her BF's family is very involved with her life and his mother is able to provide a lot of "motherly wisdom" as well. Sadly other than that- she really lacks having strong adult woman in her life. This is why we're hoping she will choose to get counseling at the pregnancy center. It's filled with wonderful (I'll just say "mature" lol) woman who can provide her with added wisdom.
Yeah I said in a PP I wondered if she exaggerated that part, with how emotional she's been I can understand.
DH and I have agreed to simply cut our ties with his parents. Seriously, I could go on for forever about my in laws but the point is they are toxic people and should be avoided.
Your MIL should go straight to hell. Plain and simple.
Sounds like the doctors probably told her that she should have come in sooner (m/c can have complications and make you seriously ill) and she thought they meant something could have been done. =(
I hope she recovers, and soon.
Pretty much.
Thank you. I didn't know that- we're going to be talking after her appt. on Monday.
I'm very sorry for your SIL. Even if it was an unexpected pregnancy, as soon as you see that positive on the test, i feel like you are connected with that baby. Maybe you could direct her to the Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss board here. I found a lot of support here when going through my own loss last year.