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Blended Families
Intro (LONG)
Hey Ladies:
My SO and I are getting married soon and I am going to become an SM. He has 4 kids with two different BM's. BM #1 has SS, DS #1 and DS #2. BM #2 has DS #3. The thing is that BM #2 is very easy to get along with and he has a great relationship with DS#3.
BM #1 is the definition of BSC. We will soon have to go to court since they have no official visitation agreement and she is refusing to let SO have contact with the kids. He pays all his child support and tries to contact them but she doesn't answer the phone or gets her number changed. He is AD Army and is stationed in another state from them so it gets hard and even her parents don't agree with how she is acting in the whole situation and feel bad for him.
The reason she started refusing to let him see or speak to the kids is because he told her that we planned to get married. Apparently she thought that after they got divorced and she cheated on him numerous times (DS#2 is not biologically his but he considers her his) he would come running back to her eventually. She met me and the kids met me. I love all the kids and I think they really like me (at least that is what her parents tell us ). I guess she felt I was a fling or something and after a yr of dating was shocked to find out he planned to marry me.
But the real problem is that I'm SO's high school sweetheart ( 15 yrs ago) and apparently she has always hated me since everyone always mentioned me since we had the same circle of friends in college. I didn't even speak to SO until after they were separated and were 2 months away from making the divorce official. We literally had a 15 yr break where we didn't speak and he dated and got married and I dated someone else.
Anyway, now BM#1 has decided she doesn't need anyone and her kids don't need anyone cause she has a new man and is going to church. When SO told me this yesterday, my reply was well if she doesn't need anything is she gonna give back the child support? I just don't understand BM #1. She lies all the time, refuses to work, lied about DS #2 and had SO's name put on birth certificate even though he was in IRAQ when she was conceived, keeps the kids from family, claims SO is a horrible father but then wants to get him back and gets mad that he is moving on with his life?
We plan to go to court over visitation and are looking into lawyers. I'm just wondering what the long term effects of this will be on the kids. I have no idea how BSC she will get when she finds out we plan to have kids and will be TTC in the next year.
I come from a Blended Family and am closer to my SM than BM. My BM is BSC and refused to see me when I was younger since I reminded her of my dad so our relationship fell apart and then got mad that SM wanted to have a relationship with me.
I feel so bad for the kids.
We use to send them care packages with books and pics and letters and all sorts of things depending on the kid (science stuff for SS, art stuff for DS#1 and Fancy Nancy stuff for DS#2) but now she refuses to pick up the packages from her parents house since its too much trouble to drive 15 minutes to get it and she won't give us her address.
She also use to call me (NOT SO) and have the kids talk to me but since she found out we planned to get married that stopped too.
I am glad I found this board. I will let you know how things go.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Intro (LONG)
Not that her behavior is acceptable, it clearly isn't, but maybe it's just the shock of it, and she will come to her senses. Regardless going to court and getting an order is of the utmost importance.
So BM #1 is the crazy one. Are her kids older than BM#2's? Which one came first?
If she was married to your SO at the time, he is considered the legal father of the child and would have been put on the b/c even if the Mom listed somone else as the father (in most states anyway)
Why are you marrying into a situation that is already problematic? Plus, you are planning to have kids with somone who already has kids with two other women? This relationship doesn't seem to be off it a good start.
Paris - he told her in November. Its been over 5 months now and the last time we heard from the kids and were able to talk to them is Christmas. BM #1 came first. They started divorce proceedings five yrs into marriage and he met BM #2. He and BM #2 were dating and she got pregnant. SD#3 beat the birth control. Their relationship didn't work out. BM #1 said she wanted to try and work it out so he stayed for the kids. He really loves his kids and has tried to do what was best for the kids and make the best of a bad situation.
He is a good man and very loving. He is responsible for his kids and his actions.
My SM married my dad and had to deal with my BSC mom and two teens that disliked her and they have had a happy marriage for almost 20 yrs.
I love children. I know there will be issues but I also love this man and he is very special. He has a lot of integrity and is honest. He has been honest with me about everything from the start and he makes me feel like no other man has ever made me feel.
We both always wanted to have a large family and I love his kids. I treat them as they are my own. Families come in all sorts of shapes and sizes and I don't think that I should just give up on a relationship just because he is divorced and has kids. My parents both came form large families. My dad is the youngest of 7 and mom is the youngest of 8 kids.
I don't doubt that you can't have a happy marriage. I would have second thoughts about having kids with him, but that is just me.
So, he wasn't divorced from BM#1 when he got BM#2 KU? And you came into the picture while BM#2 was pregnant and 2 months before the divorce was finalized (not that that is a big deal) just trying to get the timeline down here, because I do that it probably seriously contributes to her BSCness, and I would seriously worry about the timing on his part. That is a whole lot to deal with at the same time that you are starting a relationship that is leading to marriage. Sounds like he never had a second to decompress.
Hang out a little before you make that assumption...you'd be surprised what some of the BMs girls here deal with have to offer!
Nope.
He wasn't divorced from BM #1 when BM #2 became KU. They were separated and getting a divorce and they both had started dating other people. His relationship with BM #2 didn't work out and BM #1 decided she wanted to try again and work things out for the sake of the kids so he went back to BM #1 (this was around yr 5 of their marriage). They stayed married another 6 yrs in which BM #1 became pregnant while he was in IRAQ by someone else. He came home and stayed with her through the pregnancy and a little after that but things didn't work out and they were separated 2.5 yrs before the divorce was finalized. I met him again about 2 months before his divorce was finalized and we became friends and started dating after the divorce was finalized. We have been dating 1.5 yrs so far.
When we started dating he hadn't dated anyone in 2.5 yrs. He had figured with his background and BM#1 no woman would want to date him. He thought he might be single for the rest of his life. Plus he knew if he dated anyone, they would have to accept his kids. Its not like he hadn't met anyone else but no one he considered dating cause a lot of the women he met were not keen on the kids.
When we started dating, he was upfront with me and told me he wasn't looking for someone to be a mother to his kids. He wanted someone to share his life with and a open, honest trusting relationship with someone who shared his interests and would be accepting of his kids and his past.
Hey someone close to my situation. DH has 4 kids (3 girls & 1 boy) with two BM's. Luckily we have always lived 30 minutes from each other so we don't have that stress. I can say after 3 years of dating and 4 years of marriage the relationship with the BM's and the kids gets better every year. Give BM #1 sometime to get used to the idea. Your SO has a right to see his children so GL with setting up visitation and make sure it is the best situation for the kids.
A few tips from my experience:
1. Her family may agree with you now but don't trust them to if they have to come to court.
2. Never talk badly about BM or share the details of what is going on with the kids. This is an adult issue and none of there worry.
3. Kids are smart and they will see if you and SO have there best interest in mind and want to be a part of there lives.
GL! I have never seen someone with a BF like mine. Welcome!!
Welcome!
I also deal with two BMs. And my boyfriend also went back to BM1 "trying to make things work" but then had broken up about 3-4 years prior to meeting me.
Hey EmileeKaye:
Your fur babies are so cute.