Judgement About Age?

Courtneyluff · July 2012

Wow... I write a lot of posts. You all just seem so smart, and I love having your input.

If you have seen my other posts, my husband and I are in the process of becoming foster parents. We have decided to take children of any age.

My concern comes from the fact that we are fairly young (I am 21, he is 24). I am concerned about what people may say if we have a child young enough to feasibly be ours, but old enough that we would have been extremely young. Let me say this: My mother was a teenager, and I have nothing against very young mothers if that is the path their life took. It also is not going to affect my decision because I feel this is the right thing to do for our family, and I can let the judgement slide off my back. I understand that people ask questions, and most do not mean to be hurtful even when they are.

I am just curious if there is a tactful way to handle the questions that may arise. The flip side is what about children too old to even have possibly been ours? Teenagers and such. Will there be respect issues? Will they be able to bond with us and fit into our family?

I know this is a while down the road, I just like to try to foresee issues that may arise.

lilmufish · July 2012

Most agencies have policies, check to see what your county or agency's polices are. I know one agency near us has the policy that you cannot foster 13 and over, until you're 30 and over (or something like that).

Dear husband and I are around 30 years old. When we started fostering we made the decision that we would start with younger kiddos, and as we got older, we would increase our ages that we accept (if we hadn't adopted yet). We didn't want to draw attention to ourselves, but also because we didn't have the life experiences quiet yet. FWIW, I look like I'm a teenager. I'm small framed and have good genetics. So, that doesn't help either.

When people comment about my age, I always tell them I'm blessed with fantastic genetics, and that I'm not as young as I look. They don't need to know my age

As far as your question with respect and bonding issues - those will be issues with most foster teenagers regardless of your age. Your age might be an issue with biological families though - they will look for any reason to dislike you.

e had a 17 yr old biological mom try to tell us that we're too young to foster her children. Really, we're over 10 years older than you... Oh well.

Good luck, keep us updated

IRR · July 2012

lilmufish:

e had a 17 yr old biological mom try to tell us that we're too young to foster her children. Really, we're over 10 years older than you... Oh well.

silliestbunny · July 2012

Get used to ridiculous questions.... regardless of age It comes with the territory.

Seriously, though.... figure out a few tactful remarks so your kids never feel akward.
For example, if someone says "wow, you look so good for having a 12 year old", I think it would be okay to say "thanks" or "my kids keep me young" or if they probe more "we have a happy family and that's all that matters".

If you ahve some stashed away, you'll be ready to deal with the crazy questions.

Courtneyluff · July 2012

Thank you all. I don't think there will be any rules about age difference because we are going through CPS.

Some of those were great!

jillianmb · July 2012

When we were ttc and people would ask us about kids I found the best response was, "Why do you ask?" Most of the time the person would realize that they were asking a way too private question but sometimes they had a good reason for asking.

Maybe you could take that same approach. ie) "wow you are so young!" answered with, "What do you say that?" or "Wow how old are you!?" with "Why do you ask?" And then you can continue to redirect the conversation with questions until the person backs off.

Courtneyluff · July 2012

jillianmb:
When we were ttc and people would ask us about kids I found the best response was, "Why do you ask?" Most of the time the person would realize that they were asking a way too private question but sometimes they had a good reason for asking.
Maybe you could take that same approach. ie) "wow you are so young!" answered with, "What do you say that?" or "Wow how old are you!?" with "Why do you ask?" And then you can continue to redirect the conversation with questions until the person backs off.

Oh I love the redirection! Thank you!

alohagirl59 · July 2012

If an inappropriate question is asked (and it is ALWAYS inappropriate to ask or insinuate about a woman's age! ), just say, "Why do you ask?" then walk away. It's no one's business!

Good for you for fostering!

Proud adoptive mom 6.11.09 · July 2012

Courtneyluff:

Wow... I write a lot of posts. You all just seem so smart, and I love having your input.

If you have seen my other posts, my husband and I are in the process of becoming foster parents. We have decided to take children of any age.

My concern comes from the fact that we are fairly young (I am 21, he is 24). I am concerned about what people may say if we have a child young enough to feasibly be ours, but old enough that we would have been extremely young. Let me say this: My mother was a teenager, and I have nothing against very young mothers if that is the path their life took. It also is not going to affect my decision because I feel this is the right thing to do for our family, and I can let the judgement slide off my back. I understand that people ask questions, and most do not mean to be hurtful even when they are.

I am just curious if there is a tactful way to handle the questions that may arise. The flip side is what about children too old to even have possibly been ours? Teenagers and such. Will there be respect issues? Will they be able to bond with us and fit into our family?

I know this is a while down the road, I just like to try to foresee issues that may arise.

Well I find this post very interesting because I can relate to this post 100%. I just turned 26 yesterday and my husband is 29. We have a son who is soon to be 18 who we adopted just over three years ago. Yes there is times when we go out were people think he is my little brother. If we go out just the two of us without my husband people think he is my date, Yes there are times when it was hard and still is because of the age. We had some problems in the begining with respect because he tried to think just because we were not technically old enough to be his parents that he did not have to listen to us. Things have worked out great he is a freshman in college and graduated a year early from high school. Yes I get stares and questions when I say my son is almost 18 but at the end of the day age is just a number and no matter what I am his mother.

Proud adoptive mom.

Courtneyluff · July 2012

Proud adoptive mom 6.11.09:
Courtneyluff:

Wow... I write a lot of posts. You all just seem so smart, and I love having your input.

If you have seen my other posts, my husband and I are in the process of becoming foster parents. We have decided to take children of any age.

My concern comes from the fact that we are fairly young (I am 21, he is 24). I am concerned about what people may say if we have a child young enough to feasibly be ours, but old enough that we would have been extremely young. Let me say this: My mother was a teenager, and I have nothing against very young mothers if that is the path their life took. It also is not going to affect my decision because I feel this is the right thing to do for our family, and I can let the judgement slide off my back. I understand that people ask questions, and most do not mean to be hurtful even when they are.

I am just curious if there is a tactful way to handle the questions that may arise. The flip side is what about children too old to even have possibly been ours? Teenagers and such. Will there be respect issues? Will they be able to bond with us and fit into our family?

I know this is a while down the road, I just like to try to foresee issues that may arise.

Well I find this post very interesting because I can relate to this post 100%. I just turned 26 yesterday and my husband is 29. We have a son who is soon to be 18 who we adopted just over three years ago. Yes there is times when we go out were people think he is my little brother. If we go out just the two of us without my husband people think he is my date, Yes there are times when it was hard and still is because of the age. We had some problems in the begining with respect because he tried to think just because we were not technically old enough to be his parents that he did not have to listen to us. Things have worked out great he is a freshman in college and graduated a year early from high school. Yes I get stares and questions when I say my son is almost 18 but at the end of the day age is just a number and no matter what I am his mother.

Proud adoptive mom.

Thank you so much for this answer. It is sweet and perfect. That's so amazing that you have had the opportunity to raise what sounds like a great young man.

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