Sheesh, I'm a PW lately... (long)

CFjo2010 · July 2012

Kids are home, and I'm a happy camper. Enter issue with BM: It's her responsibility to take K to karate on Tuesdays and Thursdays during the summer because we don't pick up from school right now. Karate starts at 4:30, and we pick her up at 5:30 from karate. Today at the girls' school is a Pumpkin Planting event that I already told my daughter as well as my MIL that we are going to go to. It's from 3:30 to 6 pm, but we'll leave at 5 pm to go get K from karate. My daughter is excited to go and see kids she'll be going to school with next year and MIL is excited to visit the girls' school.

I just got a text from my husband saying that BM's work schedule got changed and now she has to be at work at 4:20 (what a weird start time) and wants to leave K with me at the Pumpkin Planting event so that I can take her to karate. Wait, what? That means I have the leave the school at 4 pm since karate is 1/2 an hour away. So my daughter would only get to be at the event for 1/2 an hour. I told my husband that K can be dropped off at karate as early as 4 pm for her class. Apparently this doesn't get BM to work in time and is insisting that I take her.

I said no. I'm prepared to flamed for my response. But first of all, in all the years that I managed in retail stores if I changed an associate's schedule to have them start earlier I couldn't gripe at them or write them up if they couldn't be there earlier than originally scheduled. Secondly, I already made plans around the Summer schedule. Why do I need to change plans with my daughter just because BM's plans changed? Thirdly, why can't she have Gma take her to karate? She has no problem having Gma do everything else for her, why can't she take K to karate? Lastly, just last week BM was complaining about "how far" K's karate class is and how it's inconvenient for her to take her each Tuesday and Thursday. It was offered that I would just pick up K at 4 pm and take her to karate so BM wouldn't have to from now on and she said no and that she'll "make it work". I'm inclined to think this is more about BM not wanting to drive to karate and less about her work schedule.

My husband is grumpy that I won't change my plans and has said he'll just take K to a make up class on Friday. But I'm pretty grumpy that he expects me to drop everything and change plans around to accommodate BM. Especially considering that she's supposed to provide him a copy of her work schedule each week pursuant to the CO and we've yet to see a single schedule in the past year. If it were my son's schedule that suddenly got changed and interfered with one of the girls' activities, I'd have to tell him "too bad". That's just what happens when 3 kids have 3 different activities: sometimes one kid has to miss out.

I really just wanted to enjoy having my kids home. This is "welcome home" is not off to a great start.

kali55 · July 2012

I think you are totally in the right. Unfortunately you already had plans, you had something set up and now you are expected to drop it all because BM couldn't do what she said she was going to do?

Ginlyn0 · July 2012

Why does K need to go to karate tonight? Can't she just stay at the pumpkin planting w/ you? That's what I would do if I were in a similar position.

CFjo2010 · July 2012

gin9874:
Why does K need to go to karate tonight? Can't she just stay at the pumpkin planting w/ you? That's what I would do if I were in a similar position.

Ok, I'm glad you said this. When my husband got grumpy with me and said he'll just take K on Friday for the make-up class I made a comment about K getting to show MIL around school and how much she'll like that. According to him, BM is going to just drop K off with Gma when she goes to work (so K will only be at the event for 1/2 an hour) and I have to go pick her up at 5 pm. Seriously. If this whole issue was just about work, then why wouldn't BM just leave K with me at the Pumpkin Planting event when she has to leave for work?

CFjo2010 · July 2012

MelRC117:

kali55:
I think you are totally in the right. Unfortunately you already had plans, you had something set up and now you are expected to drop it all because BM couldn't do what she said she was going to do?

I absolutely would not change my plans, as petty as they would seem to DH or to BM because BM says so. It seems DH just goes along with what she is saying to make it easier for him to just agree to it so he won't have to hear about it from BM. You know what? You are his wife. And what about your daughter's feelings? So when does K's extracurriculars become more important that hers? Its not like it seems its a constant conflict and you continually choose your daughter's over K's. Who signed her up for karate in the first place? We don't sign up SS unless we can commit to him getting there so for summer were good, but fall we do a weekend football league and not during the week because BM has him during the work week and we have him every weekend.

My husband and I signed K up for karate. The standard CO says that we pick her up from school every Tuesday and Thursday, so normally taking her is never a problem. In fact, it's worked into my schedule with my son's and daughter's football and cheer practice. However, BM didn't want us getting K so early during the Summer and demanded that on days when K doesn't have school, we pick her up at 5 pm. My husband and I were diligent to make sure that K's karate doesn't land during BM's time with her, but during the Summer she has to get her there because this is how she wanted the CO written.

I'm relieved that people are actually agreeing with my response. I really expected to get flamed for not rearranging things.

Holly_1007 · July 2012

no flames from me! especially after your kids have been traveling all day, the last thing I would do would be to stick them in the car that much as well! your DH is being unreasonable and your BM is a looney

MarSamWhitney · July 2012

No flames here! You had prior plans, and its not like you are trying to be spiteful about it, KWIM?

nurrieum · July 2012

When it rains it pours- because apparently you haven't suffered enough stress yet.

I think BM should simply have to suck it up, especially since her "solutions" to this problem seem to be more complex and inconvenient for her supposed reason. You aren't required to accommodate her especially when a simply solution could be found and she's just not accepting it. Especially considering K can attend a make-up class on Friday, why can't K simply attend pumpkin planting- it sounds like a fun activity and not one that can be made up. Except that it isn't working out that way because BM is making convoluted plans. Sorry

it sounds like you could really use a break from the headaches.

bebe11 · July 2012

I would not of changed my plans either. Changing your plans not only effects you, but your kids would miss out on something they have been looking forward to.. nope, I wouldn't do it either!

webercor · July 2012

I'm glad you didn't change your plans.It wouldn't be fair to your kids when you made specific plans with them. If she didn't want to (or couldn't) take to karate then BM should have to deal with the consequences, not you.

BM does this regularly over here... and it drives me nuts. Especially because she doesn't work, go to school, etc. Why should we have to re-arrange our whole lives around her nap?

Tasheystar · July 2012

Yay Jo! I'm so glad you said no. I agree with pretty much everything that was said by PPs. She's just trying to be a b!tch. Why couldn't she drop her off at the Pumpkin thing? Well, that's because she doesn't want you to have extra time with HER daughter. I'm seriously liking your BM less and less the more I hear about her.

CFjo2010 · July 2012

Thanks everyone. It's nice knowing that sometimes I do in fact make the right decision!

An update: BM showed up to the event with K's karate stuff. She apparently was under the impression that I was taking K to karate. BM shows up wearing shorts and a tank top and flip flips, definitely not work clothes. When the time came for when I would need to leave for karate she looks at me and says, "shouldn't you be going?". I informed her that my husband was taking K to a make up class Friday and that I wasn't changing my plans around. She got pretty miffed. Finally at 4:15 she left the school to "go home and get ready". So much for starting work at 4:20....

On the plus side, she went ahead and left K with me (thanks to my MIL's snarky comment about K having to miss everything just to help someone's ego). The girls had a blast planting the pumpkin plants together and I got some GREAT photos of them hard at work

Phantomgirl · July 2012

Have you ever had counselling to deal with the DV or break down of your last marriage?

You should incredibly damaged to me.

Second guessing yourself, needing reassurance that you said the right thing and statements like 'its good to know that sometimes I do the right thing'.

Its makes me sad to read your posts.

If you need to write a dramatic post about saying no because you already have plans then I think a little bit of counselling would really help you out.

It would also help you cope better and respond better to situations in your life.

CFjo2010 · July 2012

Phantomgirl:
Have you ever had counselling to deal with the DV or break down of your last marriage?

You should incredibly damaged to me.

Second guessing yourself, needing reassurance that you said the right thing and statements like 'its good to know that sometimes I do the right thing'.

Its makes me sad to read your posts.

If you need to write a dramatic post about saying no because you already have plans then I think a little bit of counselling would really help you out.

It would also help you cope better and respond better to situations in your life.

I was second guessing in this instance because I was previously flamed for telling my husband no additional extracurricular activities for K (in addition to her karate) unless he and BM were going to start doing some of the transportation. BM had wanted to put K in soccer and I when I asked for input on this board regarding the issue I was basically told to make it work. So yes, in instances when I refuse to do something that could be interpreted as me "slighting" K I want to get input to see if I should have handled things differently.

As for getting therapy after my divorce, I did. And my husband and I currently use a counselor to help navigate blending the family. This past week has been exceptionally stressful for me and my family, and as I said previously, I wanted input to see if I was being unreasonable in my decision.

kali55 · July 2012

jobalchak:
Phantomgirl:
Have you ever had counselling to deal with the DV or break down of your last marriage?

You should incredibly damaged to me.

Second guessing yourself, needing reassurance that you said the right thing and statements like 'its good to know that sometimes I do the right thing'.

Its makes me sad to read your posts.

If you need to write a dramatic post about saying no because you already have plans then I think a little bit of counselling would really help you out.

It would also help you cope better and respond better to situations in your life.
I was second guessing in this instance because I was previously flamed for telling my husband no additional extracurricular activities for K (in addition to her karate) unless he and BM were going to start doing some of the transportation. BM had wanted to put K in soccer and I when I asked for input on this board regarding the issue I was basically told to make it work. So yes, in instances when I refuse to do something that could be interpreted as me "slighting" K I want to get input to see if I should have handled things differently.
As for getting therapy after my divorce, I did. And my husband and I currently use a counselor to help navigate blending the family. This past week has been exceptionally stressful for me and my family, and as I said previously, I wanted input to see if I was being unreasonable in my decision.

I have never personally experienced any DV in my relationships, however, I still sometimes need reassurance that I am doing the right thing. I think as a parent you are always questioning if you are doing enough.

nurrieum · July 2012

kali55:
jobalchak:
Phantomgirl:
Have you ever had counselling to deal with the DV or break down of your last marriage?

You should incredibly damaged to me.

Second guessing yourself, needing reassurance that you said the right thing and statements like 'its good to know that sometimes I do the right thing'.

Its makes me sad to read your posts.

If you need to write a dramatic post about saying no because you already have plans then I think a little bit of counselling would really help you out.

It would also help you cope better and respond better to situations in your life.
I was second guessing in this instance because I was previously flamed for telling my husband no additional extracurricular activities for K (in addition to her karate) unless he and BM were going to start doing some of the transportation. BM had wanted to put K in soccer and I when I asked for input on this board regarding the issue I was basically told to make it work. So yes, in instances when I refuse to do something that could be interpreted as me "slighting" K I want to get input to see if I should have handled things differently.
As for getting therapy after my divorce, I did. And my husband and I currently use a counselor to help navigate blending the family. This past week has been exceptionally stressful for me and my family, and as I said previously, I wanted input to see if I was being unreasonable in my decision.
I have never personally experienced any DV in my relationships, however, I still sometimes need reassurance that I am doing the right thing. I think as a parent you are always questioning if you are doing enough.

I agree and personally don't think that the DV issue was pertinent to this post at all. I think especially as a step-parent it can very easy to second guess yourself not matter what your background is. I don't think the post was particularly dramatic either. She responded assertively to the situation presented- that doesn't really say "damaged". She asked for input because of a previous post and again, being a step-parent that situation can be tricky.

SueBear · July 2012

I think it's great that you said "no" both the BM and your H. Maybe now that DH has to work around the changes, he will realize what a PITA BM can be! And BM will realize that just because SHE wants something one way, doesn't mean you will jump and be her lapdog.

You were being perfectly reasonable in not sacrificing your DD's pumpkin event just b/c BM changed her mind. It is always perfectly reasonable to say "if these plans effect me, then I want a say in making them." True, SD is not "your" daughter, but if you are being asked to play the role of driver, BM and your H better take your schedule into consideration!

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