I am struggling at being a step-mom

Army~Wife · July 2012

My SS lives very far away from us but is staying with us this summer. I have only met him 3 times (very short visits) since DH and I have been together so this is pretty new for all of us. I love that DH and his X were able to work together (finally) to make this happen. I love that SS is finally able to meet and get to know his sisters. I knew that this would be part of the deal when marrying DH and I would NEVER stand in the way of SS and DH's relationship. I also come from a divorced family so I know how important it is for everyone to work together.

That all being said....I am unsure what to do or how to deal with an 11 y/o boy. I was so busy thinking about how great it would be that he was finally going to be coming to visit that I didn't stop to think about all of the "boy things" that he would do. We have caught him lying on numerous times, his hygiene is horrible (nasty), he doesn't clean up after himself, he talks back, he is lazy, doesn't help us do anything, he walks into our room without knocking....I know this all sounds typical for a pre-teen boy but it's all new for me.

DH is a doing a great job at backing me on these issues but his bad habits are already set in. Don't know what the point of this post is other than to admit that I'm struggling and get it off my chest. If you got this far, thank you!

[Deleted User] · July 2012

Not quite the same, but we've struggled a bit when our niece stays with us. Her home life is very different from ours. What we've found to work is having clear goals/expectations set out, and helping her deal with them. She never does chores at home, but I expect her to contribute to the house when she's here. There's cooking vs. doing the dishes at dinner for example. You do have to eat, and then clean up. Sometimes I'd help her cook her favorite meal so she's involved that way. If not, then we'll do the dishes together.

Also, earning things is a big deal. We had her do extra chores (which we did together) to earn money for a new swimsuit. She had one, but wanted a different one. She had to do $30 worth of chores, then we all went to the water park.

Bottom line though, he is only there a short period of time. Do try to just get to know him & enjoy his company too. If you spend all your time focusing on the downsides or what's wrong (i.e. hygiene) then it's going to be a very tense summer.

JenniferMatos · July 2012

I think you can still get to know him and still set limits on whats expected of him when he is with you. You don't have to be a drill sargent but you can show him how to be respectful (knocking before entering). We always had cousins come and stay with us during the summers and my parents always had expectations for them when they were staying with us even if they acted differently at home.

Maybe have DH and you sit down with him and explain some rules and consequences. Explain that you want his visit to be a good time for everyone and that means he will have to do a little more on his part as you all get to know each other better.

Was he talked to about wanting to come visit at your place during his Summer break? Maybe he is pushing buttons to get sent back?

I'm all about enjoying his time there etc etc but you also don't want to set his mind to think if he continues to visit it's going to be a free for all for him.

Army~Wife · July 2012

anna karenina:
You are probably not going to instill life long habits in the few weeks you have them so I recommend focusing on the positive rather than the negative. Make the most of the vacation you have left and show him you love him. I can't imagine how hard this is on him.

While you are completely right in this opinion, my DH does want to make sure that SS is respecting us while he is here but also that he is respecting his mom when he returns. The lying and back talking are the main issues, I guess. He is never nasty with us but he always has something to say....It can't ever just be "yes" or "no".

I have stopped to think about how tough and confusing this all must be to him. He is starting to open up to me. He has started giving me hugs and talking to me more. Which feels really good.

Army~Wife · July 2012

sofamonkey:

Not quite the same, but we've struggled a bit when our niece stays with us. Her home life is very different from ours. What we've found to work is having clear goals/expectations set out, and helping her deal with them. She never does chores at home, but I expect her to contribute to the house when she's here. There's cooking vs. doing the dishes at dinner for example. You do have to eat, and then clean up. Sometimes I'd help her cook her favorite meal so she's involved that way. If not, then we'll do the dishes together.

Also, earning things is a big deal. We had her do extra chores (which we did together) to earn money for a new swimsuit. She had one, but wanted a different one. She had to do $30 worth of chores, then we all went to the water park.

Bottom line though, he is only there a short period of time. Do try to just get to know him & enjoy his company too. If you spend all your time focusing on the downsides or what's wrong (i.e. hygiene) then it's going to be a very tense summer.

I think this is where we slipped up. Like I said, this is our first lengthy visit so it didn't even occur to me to set all that up in advance. DH and I did decide that he should do some chores while he is here. We sat down and asking him which ones he thought would be fair to do. He was a little hesitant but did come up with a fair list. He will do them when I ask but, as with most kids, it's all on his time table.

I think the main reason the hygiene part bothers me is because he shares a bathroom with my girls. If he pisses all of the toilet and/or floor there is the possibility that his sisters will end up with it on them. Other than that, I can bite my tongue on the rest of his personal hygiene issues.

I'm sure this all sounds awful and I hate admitting it but I can't help but feel slightly overwhelmed at the moment.

[Deleted User] · July 2012

Army~Wife:
sofamonkey:

Not quite the same, but we've struggled a bit when our niece stays with us. Her home life is very different from ours. What we've found to work is having clear goals/expectations set out, and helping her deal with them. She never does chores at home, but I expect her to contribute to the house when she's here. There's cooking vs. doing the dishes at dinner for example. You do have to eat, and then clean up. Sometimes I'd help her cook her favorite meal so she's involved that way. If not, then we'll do the dishes together.

Also, earning things is a big deal. We had her do extra chores (which we did together) to earn money for a new swimsuit. She had one, but wanted a different one. She had to do $30 worth of chores, then we all went to the water park.

Bottom line though, he is only there a short period of time. Do try to just get to know him & enjoy his company too. If you spend all your time focusing on the downsides or what's wrong (i.e. hygiene) then it's going to be a very tense summer.

I think this is where we slipped up. Like I said, this is our first lengthy visit so it didn't even occur to me to set all that up in advance. DH and I did decide that he should do some chores while he is here. We sat down and asking him which ones he thought would be fair to do. He was a little hesitant but did come up with a fair list. He will do them when I ask but, as with most kids, it's all on his time table.

I think the main reason the hygiene part bothers me is because he shares a bathroom with my girls. If he pisses all of the toilet and/or floor there is the possibility that his sisters will end up with it on them. Other than that, I can bite my tongue on the rest of his personal hygiene issues.

I'm sure this all sounds awful and I hate admitting it but I can't help but feel slightly overwhelmed at the moment.

There is nothing wrong with being/feeling overwhelmed. That's also normal. Cut yourself some slack, please. You are trying, he is trying. You will get it worked out eventually I swear!

As for the toilet aim issues, tell him he needs to aim better or clean it up. Put a tub of clorox clean-ups out for him in the bathroom. Because ew & that's not personal hygiene, that's way past that.

Just do your best, be respectful & expect the same. Also, take some time to just be ridiculously silly together. It really sounds like you guys are off to a rocky but good start. It's a big change for him too. Big hugs to you!

Army~Wife · July 2012

JenniferMatos:

I think you can still get to know him and still set limits on whats expected of him when he is with you. You don't have to be a drill sargent but you can show him how to be respectful (knocking before entering). We always had cousins come and stay with us during the summers and my parents always had expectations for them when they were staying with us even if they acted differently at home. This is what I am aiming for....respect. I don't expect him to go back an entirely different person but I also don't want him trampling all over us while he is here.

Maybe have DH and you sit down with him and explain some rules and consequences. Explain that you want his visit to be a good time for everyone and that means he will have to do a little more on his part as you all get to know each other better. I like this suggestion. This is something that I will bring up to DH. He is very militant (with all the kids) so maybe talking all together constructively can help this be a more pleasant visit for all of us.

Was he talked to about wanting to come visit at your place during his Summer break? Maybe he is pushing buttons to get sent back? No, I don't think so. He very much wanted to come. He has not once mentioned wanting to go back. I have also made it known to him that any time that he wants to talk to his mom he can call her. There are no limits to his communication with her.

I'm all about enjoying his time there etc etc but you also don't want to set his mind to think if he continues to visit it's going to be a free for all for him. Couldn't agree more!!!

Army~Wife · July 2012

sofamonkey:
Army~Wife:
sofamonkey:

Not quite the same, but we've struggled a bit when our niece stays with us. Her home life is very different from ours. What we've found to work is having clear goals/expectations set out, and helping her deal with them. She never does chores at home, but I expect her to contribute to the house when she's here. There's cooking vs. doing the dishes at dinner for example. You do have to eat, and then clean up. Sometimes I'd help her cook her favorite meal so she's involved that way. If not, then we'll do the dishes together.

Also, earning things is a big deal. We had her do extra chores (which we did together) to earn money for a new swimsuit. She had one, but wanted a different one. She had to do $30 worth of chores, then we all went to the water park.

Bottom line though, he is only there a short period of time. Do try to just get to know him & enjoy his company too. If you spend all your time focusing on the downsides or what's wrong (i.e. hygiene) then it's going to be a very tense summer.

I think this is where we slipped up. Like I said, this is our first lengthy visit so it didn't even occur to me to set all that up in advance. DH and I did decide that he should do some chores while he is here. We sat down and asking him which ones he thought would be fair to do. He was a little hesitant but did come up with a fair list. He will do them when I ask but, as with most kids, it's all on his time table.

I think the main reason the hygiene part bothers me is because he shares a bathroom with my girls. If he pisses all of the toilet and/or floor there is the possibility that his sisters will end up with it on them. Other than that, I can bite my tongue on the rest of his personal hygiene issues.

I'm sure this all sounds awful and I hate admitting it but I can't help but feel slightly overwhelmed at the moment.

There is nothing wrong with being/feeling overwhelmed. That's also normal. Cut yourself some slack, please. You are trying, he is trying. You will get it worked out eventually I swear! Thank you! He's only been here a week and half so we are still at the beginning.
As for the toilet aim issues, tell him he needs to aim better or clean it up. Put a tub of clorox clean-ups out for him in the bathroom. Because ew & that's not personal hygiene, that's way past that. Yes, this is horrible. I mostly let DH deal with correcting him but I have told him this is unacceptable. Nobody wants to sit/step in his piss. He has been getting better at this....slightly

Just do your best, be respectful & expect the same. Also, take some time to just be ridiculously silly together. It really sounds like you guys are off to a rocky but good start. It's a big change for him too. Big hugs to you! DH did step out for a little yesterday so I was here with just him and the girls. We did cut up a little and that was nice. We all played and the tension was down.

CupcakeKaper · July 2012

JenniferMatos:
I think you can still get to know him and still set limits on whats expected of him when he is with you. You don't have to be a drill sargent but you can show him how to be respectful (knocking before entering). We always had cousins come and stay with us during the summers and my parents always had expectations for them when they were staying with us even if they acted differently at home.
Maybe have DH and you sit down with him and explain some rules and consequences. Explain that you want his visit to be a good time for everyone and that means he will have to do a little more on his part as you all get to know each other better.
Was he talked to about wanting to come visit at your place during his Summer break? Maybe he is pushing buttons to get sent back?
I'm all about enjoying his time there etc etc but you also don't want to set his mind to think if he continues to visit it's going to be a free for all for him.

I agree with this. My boys are pretty good most of the time. They spend the summer with their dad, and when they return, they are monsters and it takes a couple of weeks to knock it out of them. They know and understand that there are different rules and expectations at our house than at their dads. It's always a rough transition, but they know I am not about to put up with the crap they can do at their dad's.

Explain that while that sh!t may fly at their mom's, you have rules at your house. Not only does he need to respect you as a parent, but he needs to set an example for his sisters. And even though he's only there for a short time, he can still have consequences. If he talks back, you can still take something away from him. If he doesn't clean something up, you can still take something away from him. I'm glad your H is backing you. I know it's easier said than done...good luck to you!

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