New Father Help (From a Wife)

starswinger · July 2012

My husband of 8 years has been amazing at being a husband. Neither of us wanted to have a child until just last year when we started trying to get pregnant. My previous miscarriage was devastating to DH as well as myself. Then DH was amazing throughout my entire pregnancy and birth.

Since then, I have changed my job to work at home to raise our son. DH would come home and I thought the evenings would be quality time together him and his son. However, DH has decided that he does not like being a father. The only way he interacts with out son is when I ask him to look after him for a few minutes so I can do a few things - like shower or clean bottles. I feel like it is pulling teeth to get him to help. I just stop asking him for help anymore because of the "attitude".

Anyone else have this issue? Is it just a guy thing in the beginning? How can we fix this?

DavidStamps · July 2012

That's a tough one...

Sounds like you need to get a sitter and take your husband out for dinner and try to have a conversation about how he is feeling. But remember, no baby and let him vent, talk or what ever else he needs to do. He could have a multitude of reasons for his behavior...feeling left out, stressed at work, worried about being a good father, wanting to be home more, missing his non parent lifestyle, etc. Let him talk, ask what he needs to feel better and take if from there.

Good luck.

ladyjenna13 · July 2012

See, this is what I mean. This is a perfect example of what makes a lot of us men just want to put a hammer to our temple.

You have been married for EIGHT YEARS!!!

Talk. Pretty simple actually. I understand that people have different personalities when it comes to communicating, but you guys are a married couple for nearly a decade. At some point you guys could communicate, so go for it!!!

See, all I know is my relationship and how we communicate. I am not in any other marriage, so all I have is my own, singular experience. My wife and I talk...about everything. And my wife certainly never just stops asking me to do things because of my attitude!

I know that at times my wife will do things because she just wants it done on her schedule, her way. When she does that, I let her know that I too also want to do chores, but I am doing them on my schedule, not hers. I think that is a common thing in a relationship, and the only way to get past it is COMMUNICATION!!!

starswinger · July 2012

ladyjenna13:
See, this is what I mean. This is a perfect example of what makes a lot of us men just want to put a hammer to our temple.

You have been married for EIGHT YEARS!!!

Talk. Pretty simple actually. I understand that people have different personalities when it comes to communicating, but you guys are a married couple for nearly a decade. At some point you guys could communicate, so go for it!!!

See, all I know is my relationship and how we communicate. I am not in any other marriage, so all I have is my own, singular experience. My wife and I talk...about everything. And my wife certainly never just stops asking me to do things because of my attitude!

I know that at times my wife will do things because she just wants it done on her schedule, her way. When she does that, I let her know that I too also want to do chores, but I am doing them on my schedule, not hers. I think that is a common thing in a relationship, and the only way to get past it is COMMUNICATION!!!

My DH and I talk about EVERYTHING (including this) we've been a couple for 13 years and have amazing talking skills. We have talked this issue to death and we just do not know what else to do about it. He is just having a hard time wanting to be a father. We think he has some paternal depression and he is talking through it with others, but we just do not know how to get though this. He is trying but having a hard time with it.

geofforyk · July 2012

It's really hard in the first few months. Men are better with "kids" than babies, as we are all kind of just big kids. So once your little one starts crawling, standing, running, climbing, etc., Dad will have things to share and teach. I have a blast teaching my 20 month old how to summersault. He still doesn't really get it, but it's fun nonetheless. Give it some time, he should come around.

There is something odd about "not wanting to be a father," though. That's something you can feel pre-conception, but it kind of leaves the game as pregnancy. He kind of has to be a father now. I'm probably reading too far into that statement though.

Good luck, and I hope this helps.

starswinger · July 2012

polooo26:
It sounds like your husband got used to the married without kids lifestyle and is having trouble adjusting. Is he overwhelmed by everything? Has he read any books? Maybe if he knew what was coming he would get more excited about it.
My wife and I had our son right away so we didn't really have an adjustment period. I'll tell you the first 6 months are the hardest and it's a struggle to just survive. Once our son hit 6 months (sitting up) he's been a lot of fun. You can't really do much with a 3 month old yet and your husband may just not know what to do.
Have you asked him if he thinks he'll be more help once your son can do more? If he says yes then focus on getting to that point. Or just pick one responsibility that he can do right now and that can be his thing. I did bath time. If he does good at that one thing and wants to do more then add something else. It's just an idea and maybe you've even tried it already.
Those were just some of my ramblings. Hope some of it helps.

DH keeps wishing this stage away so dS will be older already. I think it is a big adjustment for both of us and he gets frustrated too easily.

starswinger · July 2012

geofforyk:

There is something odd about "not wanting to be a father," though. That's something you can feel pre-conception, but it kind of leaves the game as pregnancy. He kind of has to be a father now. I'm probably reading too far into that statement though.

DH istrying physically be there but emotionally he is really struggling.

ladyjenna13 · July 2012

I tihnk a lot of new dad's have a vision in thier mind of wrestling with their little boys and doing all those fun things once they get a little older. When the baby arrives, it is nothing like that, as has been noted here, and guys flip out a little bit because they did not prepare for the boring, day in, day out activity that is associated with a newborn. They eat, sleep and poop, and outside of those moments where there is a smile or a look, those early days do not stack up to raised expectations prior to the birth. I catch myself talking about playing catch with my son, not even thinking that to get to that point he will have to go through that period where he just eats, poops, and sleeps.

It is hard to gt that fantasy out of our minds, so that is why I am preparing for the first six months and remaining very aware of how it will really be in those first months. Pretty boring and not a lot of father/son activity as we had envisioned it.

starswinger · July 2012

ladyjenna13:

It is hard to gt that fantasy out of our minds, so that is why I am preparing for the first six months and remaining very aware of how it will really be in those first months. Pretty boring and not a lot of father/son activity as we had envisioned it.

This seems to be the issue at it's core. He is always telling me he cannot wait for him to start talking so he can tell us what he wants and all the activities they can do together. It seems right now he is waiting for the fun to start. He tries to be helpful but gets so frustrated and he does not know how to fix it.

ladyjenna13 · July 2012

starswinger:

However, DH has decided that he does not like being a father.

Here is where your entire statement loses all value. Has he said this? I mean, that is a pretty strong statement right there, and if my wife ever said that to anyone, be it a forum or anywhere else, I would be beyond angry.

Perhaps the attitude is two-ways, and you both should evaluate exactly what each of you expect from one another, with one another.

Some of you women come in here thinking we will blindly take your side when you present an issue to us. But this is a fairly one-sided environment if both parties are not positng, when it comes to conflicts such as these.

starswinger · July 2012

ladyjenna13:
starswinger:

However, DH has decided that he does not like being a father.

Here is where your entire statement loses all value. Has he said this? I mean, that is a pretty strong statement right there, and if my wife ever said that to anyone, be it a forum or anywhere else, I would be beyond angry.

Perhaps the attitude is two-ways, and you both should evaluate exactly what each of you expect from one another, with one another.

Some of you women come in here thinking we will blindly take your side when you present an issue to us. But this is a fairly one-sided environment if both parties are not positng, when it comes to conflicts such as these.

He said those words exactly. I was very upset and we talked a long time about it when he said that. He wants to be past this early stage and wants him to be more interactive.

jk4ever · July 2012

starswinger:
ladyjenna13:
starswinger:

However, DH has decided that he does not like being a father.

Here is where your entire statement loses all value. Has he said this? I mean, that is a pretty strong statement right there, and if my wife ever said that to anyone, be it a forum or anywhere else, I would be beyond angry.

Perhaps the attitude is two-ways, and you both should evaluate exactly what each of you expect from one another, with one another.

Some of you women come in here thinking we will blindly take your side when you present an issue to us. But this is a fairly one-sided environment if both parties are not positng, when it comes to conflicts such as these.

He said those words exactly. I was very upset and we talked a long time about it when he said that. He wants to be past this early stage and wants him to be more interactive.

Totally high jacking, but I just can't help myself. It sounds like your DH needs to put his big boy pants on and step up to the plate. Umm...you ALREADY have the child, so it's a little late in the game to decide he doesn't want to do it. And the fact that he doesn't like it really doesn't matter either. He has a responsibility to his son, now and In a couple of years when DS is 'more fun'. I'm sorry you are having this issue. But it sounds like your DH needs a 'come to Jesus talk' about the responsibilities of parenthood.

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