Losing connection to older child? with new baby
Hi ladies,
I don't post here usually, mostly on April 2012 since I have the newb... but I wanted to ask you all: 2+ mums with babies around, have you felt disconnected to your toddler since you've had the baby?
My older DS was my "baby" for so long and we had such a great bond. Now I feel annoyed at him a lot of the time (he's a bit.. ahem.. challenging lately! defiance, saying no, arguing, normal 3yr old things, plus the new brother) and it makes me sad. I love him of course, but I don't LIKE him a lot of the time. I almost feel closer to the baby right now since he's happy and smiles and doesn't talk back. And I feel a bit sorry for DS2 because he's so happy but gets totally overlooked most of the time due to DS1's acting out/general neediness.
This is normal right?! When will I start to feel close to DS1 again? He spends a lot of time with Grandma & Daddy (for 1-on-1 attention) so he seems closer to them than me lately. I have to beg for hugs:((
Pls help. thanks ladies.
Re: Losing connection to older child? with new baby
This is normal! And, actually, learning to separate from you a bit and allow himself to be cared for by Grandma and Daddy is probably healthy for your older child.
My kids are almost 4 years apart. Until #2 was born, DC#1 was totally fixated on Mommy. No one could do stuff for her except for Mommy. Not that we gave in to her insistence that Mommy do everything, it was just a constant source of friction. Also, DD believed that the adults around her existed to serve her and only her. She had little ability to entertain herself. That's not a good way to go into the elementary school years. She needed to learn how to be more flexible, more independent, and more giving. As much as it pained me to weaken that special one-on-one bond she and I had formed by bringing another child into the family, I knew it would be good for my oldest.
When her brother was born, she REALLY resisted these changes... for quite a while. She was angry with me, disgusted with the baby, frustrated with life! She retreated from me and became "Daddy's girl" for a while. Also, she became very busy with school and friends for the first time in her life. Previously, she had not been interested in playdates. Why play with a 3 y/o who is as unpredictable and selfish as yourself when you can be Mommy's sidekick? Her increased independence at this time allowed me to relate to her in a new way, by praising and appreciating her accomplishments from the sidelines.
When we reconnected (which took several months) she was more confident and self-assured. Even though she was still not interested in the baby very much, she was relishing the new role of "big kid in the family" with all the rights and responsibilities that came along with it!
So hang in there and try not to feel guilty about the change you've brought into your older child's life! It'll eventually be better for everyone!
It's totally normal, and totally understandable! When you have your first child, you have time to bond with JUST that baby. But when you have your second child, there isn't that intimate bonding with just one baby, you are taking care of another child at the same time, and it's much more stressful.
In my experience (DD is 3.5, DS is 7 months) you need to just give yourself time, and your DS time, to adjust to the new family dynamic. It took my family a good 4 months to get into a groove. DD was acting out, and DH and I were pretty much just in survival mode. Then it kind of clicked. As your older child gets used to the baby, and you get used to being a mom of two, everyone will kind of find their place again, and things won't see as extreme.
You are emotionally vested in your baby because he needs you and that doesn't leave a lot of time or patience with #1. Normal.
Your no peach to him either---because he now has to share you.
Try to find time where the baby can be with grandma and dad, and do one-on-ones with #1 where he does not have to share you at all. Go the park-do things that were fun for the both of you before baby.
I do this every other week with each child separately(they get an entire day) and it is a great joy for each of us. They get to choose where we go, where we eat.... they anticipate and look forward to it. That day also gives me the opportunity to reevaluate our bond and what I/we need to work on.