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Blended Families
CFjo2010
member
UPDATE: And now the attorney is involved
CFjo2010
member
UPDATE: My attorney just called me and informed me that XH's cell phone number is disconnected as is his wife's cell phone. He tried calling my son's phone and it's going straight to voicemail. He has attempted to call XH's mother but her phone appears to be disconnected as well. The cell phone number for XH worked last night, something is not right here.
After my daughter's phone call yesterday, I received an angry text from XH saying that I'm not to be talking to the kids while they're with him because it "disrupts" his parenting time. I was already pretty heated after finding out my 9 year old got bitten by the 4 year for the 4th time this visit so I was not in the mood for his crap. I told him to show me in the CO where it says the kids aren't allowed to contact me. Because truthfully, I've waited for them to call me, I haven't called them at all. My son called me last night and said that XH got angry with my daughter for telling me about the 4 year-old kicking her in the face and mad at my son for taking pictures of the black eye my daughter sustained from the kick as well as all the bite marks. While talking to my son I could hear his father in the background telling my son to get off the phone and that, "what happens at this house stays in this house."
XH ended up taking my son's cell phone away. The cell phone that my husband and I pay for. Oh. Hell. No. Now I'm really concerned about what might be going on out there. He's not parenting his 4 year-old and my daughter has bruises and bite marks from him after being there for only a week, He's angry with my daughter for calling me and telling me what's happening, he's not allowing the kids to talk to me and went as far to take my son's cell phone. Something's just not right out there. I already called my attorney this morning and he's calling my XH. He's also calling Children's Services in TN for a safety check. We may be going in on Friday morning for an Ex Parte to have the kids returned home immediately and possibly revoke visitation.
I keep trying to tell myself that I'm overreacting, but if everything at XH's house is on the up and up then why is he so upset that the kids are calling me? I'm actually kind of scared for the kids right now.
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Re: UPDATE: And now the attorney is involved
I think you are seriously overreacting.
Have you thought about hiring a Parenting Coordinator to help out in your situation? It sounds like things escalate VERY quickly and it might help to have a neutral third party to make decisions.
I agree that your XH shouldn't withhold contact, but calling for a welfare check seems over the top.
I also think you are overreacting. I also think your kids are playing you.
1. He's not the greatest father in the world but you procreated twice with him. He's entitled to squander his parenting time.
2. You can't make him parent any of his children.
Don't be this BM. You are better than this.
I agree! I have a 9 yo SS and a 3 yo daughter. Sometimes the 3 yo sits on the 9 yo to play and sometimes she throws a toy and it hits him - that doesn't mean that SS should be removed - it means that they are siblings and sometimes stuff happens.
Also - even though we have 50% custody - at 1 point BM was calling every single day - and I have to say it does interfere with the other persons time. It can get really frustrating when you only see your kids for a few days a year that they are on the phone every damn day with the other parent. And you can say what you want - all kids tell a parent what they want to hear and they know what you want to hear! I used to tell my Mom how much I hated being with my Dad - how much I hated my steps - and it wasn't true! My SS goes to counsleing because he does this too! He tells Dad what he wants to hear and tells Mom what she wants to hear!
Personally - I think you need to back off! Their brother is 4 - he is going to do things that may not be right and it is not your job to parent him! And if my SS came to my house with a cell phone - we would not allow him to have it! We do not believe that children should have phones. In our house - we have the right to make rules!
I thought I was, except once I told the attorney what was going on he insisted on doing the safety check. XH has a history of domestic violence (I had a restraining order against him several years ago when we first separated) and my attorney is uncomfortable with XH taking the cell phone away and XH's statement about what happens in that house stays in that house. This is also the same person that moved and didn't provide the new address while he had my children for 2 weeks last summer. We had to file an Ex Parte to get that information from him because he refused to disclose it. He has changed his phone number in the past and has deliberately made it so he's difficult to find when the kids are with him.
And truthfully, if you have nothing to hide then why do you care if the kids talk about what happens at your home? I've never told the kids they can't tell their father things that happen at our house because we don't do anything that I'm concerned with people finding out about.
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We don't have Parenting Coordinators in my State unfortunately. I wish we had something similar, but unless there's a pending Court date, you can't really even get in to see a mediator. Even when we have had mediation, XH refused to participate so the mediator made recommendations which resulted in the current visitation schedule.
My call to the attorney was regarding the cell phone being taken away. After hearing what else has been going on, and XH's history of domestic violence and "hiding" when he has the kids, the attorney decided to call for the welfare check. Right now I'm just waiting to hear back from my attorney and see if he's been able to get a hold of XH.
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I may be the only one who feels this way but good for you! You need to look out for your children they are your number 1 priority and if you think something is not right and you are not getting the answer that you need to give you reassurance and he has a history of violence then you needed to get someone to intervene. There are too many stories out there about parents who harm there own children and you can never be too careful. I think you did the right thing and I would be concerned about this 4 year old who in my opinion is showing very disturbing behavior. Yes I get it his life has just turned upside down for these 2 weeks but that does not make his violent behavior acceptable. A 4 year old should not be biting people and I am pretty sure this just isn't something he picked up as soon as your DD and DS arrived. I will be keeping my fingers crossed and praying for you that you get this resovled quickly before anything else happens!
He's upset that the kids are calling you because it is his visitation time. Yes you should be able to contact them but not constantly. On top of the fact that your's and your children's actions regarding the bruise are most likely throwing him on the defensive feeling like you are setting him up as endangering your child. That's what it looks like in his mind I'm sure. DD gets a bruise, you confront him about it (and a bruise is really no big deal), then DS takes a pic of the bruise and sends it to you, then DS calls you tell you the Ex is mad. Can you see why he is defensive and feels like he is being railroaded? I can.
On the other hand though, even though I feel like maybe you have created this situation, I do think I would be concerned about him cutting all contact like that. I think your contact with the kids should have only been maybe once every other day or something but with his past and everything else you have said about him I can see why your attorney is taking the steps he is.
Good luck and I'm sorry this has escalated like it has, no good for anyone involved at this point.
I agree that my contact with the kids shouldn't be multiple times each day. That's why since they left last Monday I haven't called them at all. My son has been texting me pretty consistently and between him and my daughter they call me every day. Each time they call, I try and tell them to go enjoy their time with their father. Unfortunately, he's so uninvolved with them during the year that they are uncomfortable out there with him. It's not an ideal visitation schedule, but he chose to move across the country and chose not to contact them during the year between visits. The reason we sent my son with his cell phone is because when the kids are visiting XH refuses to let them call when they ask to.
As for the bruises and bite marks, we tell people on this board all the time to document these things. By the time the kids get home, the bruises and bitemarks may not be visible enough for me to photograph. I tried asking my XH what happened, by saying that "R told me she got a bruise playing, but wasn't clear what happened. Can you fill in some blanks for me?" and he refused to say anything other than "mind your business". When a parent is completely unwilling to discuss how a kid got hurt, it causes concern. K has gone home with a bruise and when BM called us screaming and cursing, we calmly informed her that K fell off her bike (or whatever had happened in that instance). Kids bruise and get hurt, I completely understand that. But refusing to shed some light on what happened comes across as the other parent trying to hide something.
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My issue with how you went about documenting this bruise though is that you already had your daughter tell you what happened and it seemed like an honest story from her. I think you should only be documenting bruises when you suspect actual abuse or endangerment which I don't think a 4yo on a 9yo counts. If you told BM what happened to K and then you witnessed her taking a pic of it as an obvious documentation against you, wouldn't that frustrate you? In this case I don't think the documentation was needed plus it was done practically in front of your Ex.
Your daughter is 9, but I'm sorry I don't remember how old your son is.
1st I'll say that I don't judge whether you are overreacting or not. I'm sure with your own personal history with DV with your ex, you may have a heightened sense of awareness.However, I think your kids are old enough to tell you what caused bruises, etc. and therefore questioning the ex, I can see how that might come off a little accusatory in his mind. If the kids were younger that would be different you would need ex to "fill in the blanks".
I'm not taking his side, I'm just giving you another perspective.
One idea might be to help the kids communicate with their father about how they are feeling. Coming from you, he will discount it, but coming from them it may mean more.
Good Luck and I'm sorry you are all going through this.
THIS! I think you are misinterpreting "Documenting." Document a bruise that can be construed as abuse. a kick from a 4 year old is not abuse. It is siblings playing rough. I agree that some things need to be documented, but i do not advocate documenting a skinned knee because the kid fell off their bike. There is a fine line between really documenting for abuse purposes and being petty IMO.
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Apparently. My attorney called me and said XH's cell phone number as well as his wife's are disconnected. He tried calling my son's phone and it went straight to voicemail. XH's mother's phone is also disconnected. XH's cell phone worked last night, something is not ok over there.
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The CO says all contact information must be updated immediately upon modification. Since we had the problem last summer where he moved without telling me and changed phone numbers, the Judge ordered that he inform me within 1 hour of changing phone numbers. Changing your cell phone number only takes 10 minutes, max. I'm getting erally worried.
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I was thinking the same thing. Maybe the bill didn't get paid. And I'm sorry but I think it's fine that he took away SS's phone in his home. Well I don't think it was the right thing to do but I really don't think it's something for you to make a big deal about. His house his rules.
I really hope everything turns out just fine.
I think both you and your XH need a liaison. It's painfully obvious that you both have different parenting styles. For the sake of your kids, you both should attempt to reach an agreement.
1. Your kids only have a limited time with him, and I fear you are being played like the other bumpie stated. They're older - they should figure out how to get along with the other kids. Yes being the visiting kids sucks but I really think you need to get a grip. Did it ever occur to you that your kids may just be overacting because they might be jealous of the other kid(s)? Which is perfectly understandable.
2. It's HIS visiting time. Yes he sounds like a douche but you're Police-ing his parenting. Let him deal with HIS kids. They're his children too. He is THEIR father.
3. "what happens at this house stays in this house." Hello yea to this. I would be LIVED if my children were doing this. You're teaching your kids to disrespect HIS rules during HIS time, in HIS HOUSE.
FWIW - I have a SS that I helped raise for 10 years, and he accused me of a lot of things which were untrue. His family was up in arms, he even played his dad against me. We almost divorced numerous times over these manipulations. His family NEVER could imagine it was him over exhaggerating or lying. His grandmother would constantly call and harrass us about what we were feeding him, what we were allowing him to do. One summer she even tried to buy him a hamster but the catch was, he would keep it in our house.
I honestly think you're CRAZY for getting CPS involved. This is VERY serious and I personally would be hard pressed to play nice with you. I have a feeling this entire situation is going to be difficult to get over. Don't be surprised if relations with your EX get worse instead of better.
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"Karma1969: If baking someone a birthday pie/cake is romantic, I must be a slut."
I'm hoping it's just a bill not being paid, but XH's mother's number is the landline, not a cell phone. Either way the whole situation seems fishy. How huge of a coincidence is it that the day after he tells me he's taking away my son's phone, all the numbers are suddenly disconnected?
Had my XH not said "what happens in this house stays in this house" while I was talking to my son, I wouldn't be as worried. But anytime a parent tells a kid not to tell the other parent what happens during their visits, I find it suspicious. I've never told my kids they can't tell their father things, and I've never told K she can't tell BM things. I have nothing to hide so it doesn't bother me if the kids talk.
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They probably disconnected the phones to piss her off because SHE KEEPS CALLING and the kids KEEP calling her. No it's not a smart move at all but he's probably really upset at this point.
Like I just wrote: NOTHING is going to be resolved going on as they keep going on. They're both adults but it's CLEAR they aren't thinking CLEARLY.
Again for the record, I haven't called XH or the kids. Please read my responses before making assumptions. In fact, it's in our CO that each parent shall make the children readily available for phone calls while the children are in their care. Just because XH chooses to not call the kids all year long doesn't mean the kids aren't allowed to call me. Also, I hope your post means you missed the part about XH's history of domestic violence and habit of "hiding" when he has the children. His history of moving without disclosing his new address and changing phone numbers without providing them to me has been well documented with the Court, and violates the CO. And now that he has changed his numbers yet again, and now his mother's phone number is disconnected causes great concern. He lives across the country, so it's not as though I can just have someone drive by and make sure everything is ok.
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I don't know why you seem to be blamed by so many people here. He isn't following the CO. It's probable that things are fine but you don't know that because he isn't allowing contact. IF a man has a history of violence I would also be worried.
I don't know your history so I don't know if everyone else here knows things about you I don't but from this post alone I would say it's unfair to keep insisting you have been calling and that it's ok for him to be angry. (even though he is the one not listening to the CO) Hopefully things are sorted out soon.
EDIT I don't think the kids should be giving a play by play of what's going on so I can see being annoyed at that. But it also depends on what's going on that make the kids do this. Is one parent questioning everything or are the kids feeling threatened and nervous about where they are?
She said she hasn't called the kids. The kids are calling her. Her ex is uninvolved in their lives yet wants to be a dad 2 weeks out of the yr, and he expects the kids, who he has no other contact with the other 351 days out of the year, to be okay without speaking to their only caregiver??!! Um, no. Sorry. Not ok. If they went EOW, or even a few times a yr, or had ANY kind of relationship with their father, they would probably be more comfortable and not feel the need to call mom 3 times a day. And for everyone saying a younger sibling cannot 'abuse' the 9 yr old I call a crock of sh*t. SS's BM had a roommate w a child 2 yrs younger than SS. He was coming here w bites and bruises all over his body. After 3 times my H talked to BM and said that the kid was doing it. He called CPS. Documented it all. She moved shortly after so nothing else happened, but the caseworker said that it IS a cause for concern. If these things happen over and over and nothing is being done, the parents are guilty of abuse by letting it continue to happen. It's NOT ok. I know accidents happen, I get that. Kids do things all the time when they are taught totally opposite of their actions. But this is clearly a pattern and the parents are definitely guilty of neglect I'd nothing else. Just bc the kid is 4 doesn't mean it's ok. I'd be coming unglued.
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"Karma1969: If baking someone a birthday pie/cake is romantic, I must be a slut."
When it's your children and your history I don't feel comfortable judging "over-reacting or not" because their your kids and when you have concerns for their welfare you shouldn't have to justify it. It could be something that's very easily cleared up (which is exactly what you're hoping for). Also you're following the advice of your attorney which in general is the best option.
When it comes to how often your kids contact you, I don't think you have to take "blame" for "creating" this situation. It may be annoying and difficult for your BF true, but that's something that he as an adult could discuss with you- verses playing some sort of nasty game that has you worried for your kids. If you're not calling them and you're encouraging them to find positives and cope with being at their Dad's- well that's what your supposed to do. I think it's a good idea to encourage your kids to communicate their frustrations with their Dad. I would suggest discussing with Dad- a more designated time that the kids can talk to you so they can still communicate with you, but BF doesn't feel defensive about it. However at this point that might be too little too late.
I would say to try and be as calm as you can. It's hard if your hormones are going (and I think I recall you saying you're expecting). I think you try your level best not to feed into your kids about their Dad, some of it kids just pick up on and that happens. You're not required to be perfect.
Perhaps through this your ex and you can work on better communication between the two of you. It's a long shot but it's trying to look at the positive- I don't know all your background and he sounds like a douche- you can always try.
This. We just had issues with my SD texting her mom that we weren't doing anything, she hates it here, we don't feed her, etc. - all untrue. They may just miss you and feel uncomfortable there so they are making it out to be worse than it is.
That beig said, the fact that EH has a history of violence and changed ther numbers is concerning. I think you are taking the right steps in your situation. Good luck.
I'm sure they feel nervous and uncomfortable there. They only see him 2 weeks out of the year, and the remainder of the time he basically ignores them: doesn't call, send letters, email, etc. The kids aren't giving me a play-by-play per se, it's more like my 9 year old calling to say she misses me and then starts crying and explaining that the 4 year-old bit/kicked/hit her again and that her father still makes her play with him. I try and get her to focus on the positive things so I ask if they have anything exciting planned. It's not an attempt to pump info, more an effort to get her to stop crying and try and cheer up. As for my son calling, he called last night so that I would hear how XH yells at them for calling me and telling me what they're doing out there. My son (who's 13 now) was old enough when the DV occured to remember it, so he still gets really frightened when XH yells.
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I agree.
It doesn't matter what the ages are, especially since BF was overheard on the phone telling DD she "has to entertain the four year old"- who hits and bites her. She's 9, she's not a parent, she probably doesn't know how to react to that other than being upset and feeling helpless. She can't hit him back, she knows it's wrong. No freaking wonder she's calling her mom a lot.
I wasn't meaning that comment to suggest that was going on, only to state there is a difference in play by play and a child being frightened.
In your situation I would be afraid of what was going on as well. I think it's unfair that this man does nothing all year and expects the kids to have the same relationship with him as though he were there all the time. He is their father but there is a difference between a father who has a 2-week per year relationship with his kids by choice and a father who is actually involved. I feel bad for this situation.
I know you didn't mean it that way, and if my response came across as defensive I apologize. I'm a bit of a wreck right now waiting to hear back from my attorney.
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Personally, I'd be flipping my sh!t as I drove to Tennessee.
Sounds like things aren't going well, and he's feeling judged and pissed off. Absolutely no excuse for what he's done, though.
As for the original issues, kicking and biting is not totally outside the realm of normal for a 4-yo. DS still hit some at that age. But I also think you're allowed to be worried and express concern when your kid is being hurt.
Please keep us updated on what's going on. I hope you get to talk to your kiddos soon.
I hope the kids are ok! Please update when you can. BTW, I would be losing my sh!t too!